Your relationship has ended and you have now moved into the mourning (or for some of you undoubtedly celebratory) period. After some time has passed since the relationship dissolved more than likely you've had some time to reflect on what was healthy and what was not.
Yet determining what is UNHEALTHY and what you will not choose again is not being picky. That is okay. That is smart. It's making the decision to form boundaries and set healthy limits for any future relationships.
We may at first say yes to little annoyances and endearing quirks but they may be small signs for big deal breakers that will later balloon and affect our daily life in a toxic manner.
Deciding what is healthy versus unhealthy is up to you and your personal preferences. This is not about saying "Oh, he leaves dirty clothes on the floor", or "The way he loads the dish washer really doesn't line up with my way... so he's not an prospective mate". This is not about picking someone apart and nit picking every little thing they do or don't do or that they do things differently than you. What this IS about is choosing a person with healthy qualities versus someone with unhealthy or even toxic qualities. Not everyone will have the same preferences because everyone is different. That's okay.
For me, high maintenance is a deal breaker. Neediness. (Sometimes masked as control) For me, it's highly unattractive and unhealthy for a man to come across as needy. It screams of insecurity. Yes, we all have needs. But when his needs continually push, demand (and DEMAND is the word I stress here because it's a form of extremeness) more of us than we can give we have a serious problem. It leads to the one whose demanding needs aren't being met becoming resentful. Always needing more. Never satisfied. It leads to the one who can't meet their unyielding needs to feel an enormous strain and pressure and continually depleted.
Ugh. Deal breaker.
I want him to feel fulfilled. Through God. Without that constant demanding need from me. That constant tug. That constant pull. That constant pressure. Neediness also often masks itself as control. If they are exhibiting needy behavior they may very likely be controlling which is unhealthy. We have to determine if that's the case. We have to follow our instincts and look at the behaviors… actions of others.
I will not go back to that.
It made me want to toss the phone out the window most days.
Almost nothing will chase me off faster and it's on my radar continually.
I will not do anything that remotely resembles high maintenance, control, neediness, insecurity or likewise a man in an egocentric three year old girl's body calling and whining "What about ME?!" We can stand firm in what we choose for ourselves. For me, a confident and secure man in God is a must.
When we are mulling over the relationship and realize what was at best completely dysfunctional and toxic we can make a list of what we desire in a man and future relationship. We can list the things we are searching for, the HEALTHY qualities. Likewise, we can write down what the qualities were that wrecked havoc and dysfunction in the relationship and are our deal breakers.
This gives us something concrete. It helps us in our discernment to choose wiser the next time and choose a closer reflection of what we regard as healthy for ourselves.
Here is a list of qualities I came up with that are important to me but taking time to make your own may offer valuable insight into what you are truly looking for in a man.
10 QUALITIES A HEALTHY MAN HAS:
1. Reads, studies and applies God's word to his life.
2. Makes God number one.
3. Lives a calm demeanor & has self control. Is respectful to others.
4. Puts family and love before materialism, image, and ego.
5. Is confident & secure. Not needy.
6. Is humble.
7. Mentally Healthy. Does not have any issues that involve control and abuse such as a personality/mood disorder, narcissism, etc. It's okay for you to say "I know this behavior is not healthy for me."
8. Empathy toward others.
9. Does things with love. Does not view his deeds done as debts that must be paid. There are no "deals" made.
10. Is passionate about love and life in general; enthusiastic.
Once you have your list of the positive qualities that are important to you, (the deal breakers may be pretty obvious by then) at that time you can begin to picture his overall character. This should help in keeping your focus tuned into what you truly want so as not to sway on your desires for your life.
As women, we hold infinite power in who we choose to allow into our life that we wish to intimately share with someone. We don't have to be complacent. We can choose to take an active role.
When making a list of Godly attributes we desire in a man, we can pray and ask God to guide us, to give us discernment and insight into what's healthy.
You are loved and you have a path of healthy new beginnings stretched out in front of you....
For I know the plans I have for you,
declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil,
to give you a future and hope.
- Jeremiah 29:11
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013
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