We've all been there at one time or another… attempting to put our head in the sand; subscribing to denial. Maybe we deny that the outfit were wearing is not flattering… adamant that we are going to wear it anyway when our figure might be better suited for something else. Maybe were in denial about the person were marrying... when in reality we are a bad match because our core values don't match up. Perhaps someone denies they are a workaholic… despite plenty of evidence to prove otherwise… their family members know all too well that their loved one is always missing at family functions and always seems to be ready with an excuse for their absence. We may subscribe to denial every so often… not necessarily with intent to cause issues or hurt yet living in our fuzzy perception of reality, we also live in a state of denial... that maybe only those close to us can see quite clearly.
The big issues with denial come into play when someone is KNOWINGLY,MALICIOUSLY denying poor behavior on their part… and causing those who have been hurt by the perpetuator to question their very reality… wondering if they have fallen off their rocker, gone off the deep end, etc because their very sanity has come into question.
That's what a narcissist
or sociopath does.
They deny, deny and deny the things they do.
They will never admit to doing anything wrong.
Healthy functioning adults respect others and they will admit to their mistakes, their poor choices, their regrets. Yes, we may have a difficult time out of guilt, shame and sorrow… maybe even embarrassment. Maybe we stall for awhile to come forth and speak up and admit what we've done… but we eventually do… we swallow our pride, we humble ourselves, we ask God and or others for wise counsel and guidance and try our best to make amends.
Not a narcissist or sociopath.
They believe the one whom they hurt had it coming (punishing nature). Or they believe that the target is trying to manipulate them with some pitiful attempt at tears or is a weak idiot for being so "sensitive".
The narcissist or sociopath will deny what he or she told you last year, last month or even last night. The narcissist or sociopath will deny they pressured you to do x,y,z. The narcissist or sociopath will deny you are sick… deny your symptoms or the severity of them… and will not help you with the medical care you need… we simply cannot count on someone of a narcissistic or sociopathic nature to come to our aid when we are in need of any kind… they will ALWAYS fail us… DENYING AN ISSUE… either saying we are exaggerating our problem and accusing us of being dramatic… calling us crazy or weak… as if we can't "get it together" like he or she.
"BANDAIDS DON'T FIX
- Taylor Swift, Bad Blood
They will say: "I don't know what you're going to do…" essentially letting you take all responsibility for whatever the crises or issue is… you're on your own. With a narcissist or sociopath you're always on your own… they are the most unreliable, unhelpful individuals out there. They throw you in a pool of water and then scream at you that you're drowning…
They scream when they
know you can't swim…
and then walk off denying they ever threw you in the pool.
They treat you terribly, scold you, criticize you, minimize your feelings, invalidate your reality, outright abuse you… and when you finally break and say: "I can't do this anymore" and walk away… they later tell you that you that they love you, you broke their heart and they just don't understand why you're treating them this way.
names have been omitted in this post
"That's not what he told me…" I said, my brows furrowed as I drove to the hotel we were heading to… in the darkness of night I slowly made my way along the inky street… my home was undergoing renovations and my mother and I had made arrangements for us to stay at a Hyatt hotel for a few nights. "He told me that he helped search for me while I was gone… "I told her, referring to when I had left home at seventeen during my junior year of high school… my father had always made it out like he had been an active participant in the search to bring me back home. For almost two decades my mother and I had never spoken of the time when I'd left and now we were finally discussing the incredibly touchy and unspoken time period in our lives for the first time in detail. Fast forward nineteen years to now it appeared I had been fed lies for years on end by him… he obviously never believing that eventually his lies would be found out… however many years later.
"Your father didn't do anything." My mother informed me. We passed fast food restaurants lit up in a bright array of neon colors in the night. Traffic ahead slowed to a halt at the red light and I eased to a stop. I blinked my bleary eyes ready to reach the hotel and get some much needed rest.
"He lied to you. He didn't search for you… "She told me. "Your grandmother and I searched all the local malls looking for you… we handed out fliers with your photo and our contact information on them to anybody we could… a few of them had seen you… your grandmother and I walked the halls of the high school… interrogating kids, we posted fliers and passed them out… trying to get any leads we could… your grandmother went to the police chief and begged for his help… we spoke with private detectives that informed us the Vietnamese gangs were the most dangerous… and that in general the Vietnamese community is close knit, closed off and nearly impossible to try to gain access to… we were doing everything we could think of… our next step was to go to the media and ask for help."
"What was dad doing?" I asked her even though by now deep down I already knew the answer.
"Working." She replied simply. "What he always did."
Silence. I let it all sink in… the harsh reality that he hadn't been out there looking for me… for years he had fed me one lie after another… that he was the one searching the malls, searching the school, that he had gone to the police chief, that he had paid the private detective the money to search for me… finding out my mother had actually paid for it. If I confronted him about the truth… he would deny it. He would never ever admit the truth. It wasn't worth my time or effort. That I knew without any hesitation or doubt.
The narcissist or sociopath wants more than anything for their pristine image to remain intact… they want their life to be regarded as one to be envied, to be respected, to be without a smudge or scandal. They will deny any wrong doing, they will deny anything that doesn't place them in a positive light. Denial is self serving as that it always serves the person engaging in it. The narcissists actions or lack thereof always affects others… whether it's engaging in crazy-making (gas-lighting), projection, lies, etc… they have zero regard to how it affects everyone else. At any and all cost they will deny anything that will shed a negative light on themselves… because at the end of the day what they wish to do is keep a pristine image… and they can only do that by denying every truth you tell.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
names have been omitted in this post
this post contains language
It was October… fall was finally here… and cooler temps meant Texas was finally reaching low nineties… even eighties… which was wonderful and welcome. Wearing boots, black jeans, a dark sleeveless top and my apron I thanked the sweet customer I was waiting on and handed her her receipt. I walked around the counter to survey the various pieces of furniture that needed to be dealt with… pieces that needed to be moved to the back holding area. As I did so… something, or someone caught my peripheral vision. I turned and noticed a man standing at the end of the checkout holding a comforter set to purchase. I pleasantly called to him that I could help him if he was ready. He began walking toward me and it was then that I came face to face… with my ex.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she had to walk into mine…" The line Humphrey Bogart said of Ingrid Bergman's character Ilsa in Casablanca went through my head.
There's dozens of stores in this town and you… YOU just HAD to come in here! I steamed to myself silently.
I looked right through him and spoke "Hello. Is this everything for you today?" I asked robotically but not really expecting nor wanting an answer.
He nodded and smiled "Yeah!" and moved, trying to catch my eye and engage me "Hey!.... thanks for helping us!" He said with a overly cheerful tone.
Why don't you take a freaking flying leap… I thought to myself but said nothing and rang up his comforter.
I told him his total and glanced down at our daughter who stared at me in distress as she knew instinctively it wasn't sunshine and rainbows for me to see him. He swiped his credit card on the machine.
"Hey, sweet pea… it's good to see you." I smiled at her "I love you."
I plucked the receipt as it dispensed from the register and handed it to him.
"Thank you." I said looking through him once more.
He took the comforter set in it's bag by the handle and said thank you as well, taking the receipt.
My daughter looked at me like a stricken hostage as she said "Bye, Mommy" and left with him.
They walked away and out the automatic doors. I turned to face the counter behind me and took deep breaths… That sorry so and so… I don't believe it's asking too much for him to go shop somewhere else. I thought. He has dozens of stores to choose from and he comes in here. He could have come in when he KNEW I wasn't working. But… no. What an ass! I sniped to myself in my head. It was like I needed barbed wire between my ex and I… he knew no boundaries… or more accurately did not care about them… he continued to overstep and play a game of forced interaction… forced supply… forced engagement. It was all ridiculous and yet expecting him to be reasonable and stay away was expecting insane to behave sanely.
In a Narc's eyes when they CROSS BOUNDARIES
they seek CONTROL over you
My manager walked up and took one look at me "Hey, Jen… are you okay?" She asked with concern painted across her face peering at me intently.
I nodded and noticed I was shaking. Great. Not that again, I thought. "I am… I just had to wait on my ex. I'm really upset he came in here." I confided in her.
She looked at me with empathy and spoke softy "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. If you need to take a break you can. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She told me. I deeply appreciated her words and comfort.
"Thank you, " I told her "I'll be okay… I just wish it hadn't happened." I admitted ruefully.
Most couples… well… NORMAL and HEALTHY couples, they have a relationship of some kind… they date or they marry and then come to the decision… either mutually or alternatively one or the other decides that this simply isn't working. At that point they sit down and have a discussion as two mature adults and decide to part ways… either just breaking up or filing for divorce.
Despite some hurt and maybe heated moments of emotion… despite perhaps heartfelt feelings uttered… maybe overdue and just plain too late… these people can deal with the pain and move on… they divide everything with the help of attorneys… or trade boxes of t-shirts, DVD's and spatulas… even wishing the other person well. They each realize that the other person isn't a bad person… they just aren't right for them… and they can still see admirable, likable qualities in them despite any difficulties they shared that couldn't be smoothed out for the long haul. This is what mature healthy adults do when handling the disappointing fallout of a relationship however longterm or short lived.
But with a narcissistic sociopath?
It's just not happening. They never go away. They never completely disappear. They never take the hint that moving on is exactly how it's stated… moving on. That means for the mentally insane and inept folks out there: You don't just keep popping back up like a jack in the box and reappearing in your ex's life. You hit the door and don't look back. You go through the grief and pain of the breakup and come out the other side renewed and ready to spring back into life… healed and ready for a new chapter… a new chapter of self and spiritual growth and even possibly love again. You don't continue to engage with your ex and make them… FORCE them to give you face time. Instead, you move on and give them their space.
20 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath
May Do During/ After A Break-Up:
1. Show up at your place of employment or home.
2. Call incessantly.
3. Call at 4 in the morning and hang up.
4. Leave dozens of voicemails… angry, tearful, raging, etc on your phone.
5. Send dozens of text messages that threaten, plea or rage at you.
6. Harass your friends via social media.
7. Stalk your Facebook.
8. Make fake accounts and stalk your Facebook.
9. Change your address for your mail.
10. Intercept your mail.
11. Hide your children from you and or alienate them from you.
12. Threaten to take your children from you.
13. Turn off your utilities, cell phone, water, etc.
14. Key your car.
15. Puncture your tires.
16. Suddenly insist on passports for your children.
17. Have his friends harass you either via phone, text, or showing up at your work or home.
18. Parade his new supply around you to "make you jealous".
19. Send flowers and beg you to stay with him.
20. Bug your phone, hack your email and track your car via GPS.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015