For Men & Women: 10 Lessons From Divorce

Divorce.
A Family Divided. 
Lessons & Pain.
Growth & Healing.
Life & Thriving.

Unless you've been through a divorce it can be quite hard to relate to what others have experienced. I can say there is much to be learned from the divorce process and though the lessons can be painful they are worth sharing with others so their path is a little easier to navigate.


Here are 10 things I've learned about divorce…

1. It takes a whole heck of a lot longer to get one complete than what one might think. In Texas we have a 60 day waiting period before a divorce can be completed at it's earliest. I only wish that was all the time it took. For many it takes a year, for some even longer, two years. It seems so backward… we can say "I do" on a whim but trying to undo that knot takes oh so much longer.

2. It takes longer than you expect to get your life put back together. If you've been a stay at home mother you might find yourself scrambling to find a job, a sitter or some form of daycare and keep the lights on. It can seem overwhelming at first now that everything rests on your shoulders but deep breaths… take it one day at a time and try not to look at the big picture if all it does is serve to stress you out. It truly does get better in small steps and one day you will look back in awe at how far you've come with God's grace, power and strength.

3. We may go through our divorce process regarding the kids with the mental outlook of: "Okay, we have a plan in place. Done, let's move on." And really… if it's working why shouldn't that be expected? But often times our ex can have other ideas… constantly changing ideas and chronically wanting to change up the parenting schedule, possession, etc. It will mean being served with papers, attorneys being served on your behalf and having to re-write what you have in place, often with negotiations that are not what I'd really call negotiations but more like the other side bullying his (or her) way into what he (or she) wants.

4. Mediation can be a lifesaver or an absolute waste of time and money. The mediators job is to get both parties to agree and they could care less about whether you like the results as you will be who lives with them. I would never pay for an attorney to be present at mediation again. The fee for a mediator is a grand give or take so paying an attorney to simply sit and hold your hand seems pointless. The process can be undeniably intimidating if you've never done it before but really having been through it twice now… I can safely say that it's not that big a deal. You know what issues you're willing to agree on or not. If you can reach an agreement, great. If not, reply "no" to everything and head to court, it's pretty simple. Mediation may be used by your ex as a tactic to find out what you're willing to agree to and not… so then they can then be better prepared for a court battle.

5. Divorce won't "fix" your spouse. Your ex-spouse is likely still cheap, still stubborn, still conniving, still making poor choices, late, disorganized, super punctual, anal, abusive, ocd, insensitive, inept, lacking parenting skills, etc… guess what? Just because you're divorcing them doesn't equate to all their ways now changing. You will realize (if you hadn't already) you cannot change your ex. You will realize that your attorney can't change your ex. And then you may realize that the therapist can't change your ex into the parent they need to be. That is why sometimes judges have to get involved and change the possession schedule accordingly. Because unless folks want to change often times it's the children who end up suffering.

6. The person you divorce…  divorce tends to reveal their true character… whether it's for better or for worse.

7. You will cross paths with people who you don't even know personally but that think they know you… that believe they know who you are based purely on what your ex has said about you… and they dismiss your existence or even sneer at you in public. Keep your chin up, a smile on your face and move on… they are not worth your time or energy (read that again if needed). It's a lesson you've learned from the receiving end… never base your view of someone on a third person's opinion… get to know them yourself.

8. Folks will naturally be curious as to why your marriage ended… they may attempt to ask in a roundabout way or outright. It's up to you how you handle it… it's your call. You can either be direct or just gloss over it as "there were unresolvable issues"… it's about whatever you're comfortable with.

9. Your ex may try to bribe your children with gifts and freedom. He or she may even be bad mouthing you and causing alienation between you and your children. Your ex spouse has zero right to speak negatively about you or your home to the kids. Recently my daughter told me that her Dad told her: "Well, if Mommy would ever allow you to have a phone in her house I'd buy you one." The fact is, it's your house and your rules; you have every right to decide what comes in your home. He is overstepping boundaries and is in fact dismissing your choices to your child. Document, document, document.

10. He or she who has the house typically has more control. If the photo albums and scrapbooks (that you lovingly made by hand) are important to you… either get control of the house and have your soon to be ex kicked out or stash those valuables at a relatives for safe keeping. People can often be misinformed that everything is "frozen" when a divorce begins… when in fact for many divorces it's really more comparable to a free for all. The morning my ex was served I was at the bank removing half our funds in the savings account. That money came in handy to pay the attorneys more fees. If I hadn't taken my half would he have been so generous and left me anything? Once it was gone would the attorneys have been able to successfully retrieve half those funds that were rightfully mine? Highly doubtful. The smartest thing anyone can do is have a nest egg your spouse knows nothing about. Be smart. Be prepared and don't think just because your marriage is fine right now it always will be.

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