names have been omitted in this post
"So how have things been?" My therapist smiled at me,
wearing pretty summer hues of white and yellow.
I smiled back "It's been good."
"So… are you seeing anyone?" She asked, her eyes twinkling.
"No, I'm not… the guy I was seeing… the one who lived an hour away?… He is a sweetheart. I really can't say enough great things." I told her and she nodded to prompt me to continue, "He made me a casserole… from scratch, a breakfast casserole, a recipe that had been in his family for generations. Just really thoughtful. Probably the sweetest thing a guy has done for me. He offered to help me build a fire pit in the backyard, something I've wanted to do but we never got to it. Things were going well but it turned out his divorce wasn't finalized and it was just too complicated. I decided to let him get things in order." I told her, "And then…someone else came along but um, no… it didn't work out."
She tilted her head "How so? What happened?" She asked.
I took a deep breath and exhaled, "You know… I always thought men liked solving problems and they liked helping. Well, at least if they're interested in a woman and wanting to pursue her I guess they do." I clarified. "He said he was interested and said all the right things yet didn't want to help. I really needed some help. I had a lot on my plate with my job and getting something new launched with the blog… plus the yard desperately needed attention. I broke down and asked for help which isn't easy for me to do." I grimaced and she nodded with a knowing look. "I had discontinued the yard service and bought a mower. I've never mowed before. I don't mind doing it," I emphasized… "I just wanted some direction on getting started. So he tells me no because he has his child. Which baffled me. Because it wouldn't have been an issue, the child is five. And he was off work the day I asked, we'd actually gone to lunch. Yet it was okay for me to watch his child so he could go on an appointment. I don't mind doing nice things, I enjoy it but I began to feel like I was the only one doing the giving." I explained.
She nodded "Hmmmm, I see. Yes, he certainly could have taken the time to show you what to do. And not that you needed him to but many men would have offered to do it for you. Part of a man being interested in you is being an active partner and helping. And if he's not doing that now… he certainly won't do it when married." She pointed out. "Did you say something to him about it?"
"I told him I was disappointed by it." I admitted "He wasn't understanding… instead in so many words he said I was being irrational. Um, no… I've been on that crazy train and I'm very familiar with the routine. I guess he thought I was expecting too much. Then he said he wasn't going to get into an argument with me. I guess for him that means shut it down and wait for me to come to my senses." I smirked… "I came to my senses alright… I won't be bothering him again."
She shook her head "Well… you had a right to be disappointed. I'm sorry that happened and there is nothing wrong with wanting an active partner." She sighed… "Did you get everything for the yard that you need?" She asked with concern.
I nodded and smiled "Oh yeah, I bought a push mower. I got a great deal, it was on clearance and it's a good workout. It was a piece of cake to do the yard. The guys at Home Depot and the gas station helped me on my questions. It all turned out fine."
If someone is making you believe (or at least attempting) that what you're asking for is irrational when in a normal and sane world what you're asking for is perfectly normal and rational… you have the makings of a toxic relationship on your hands… and you may be linked to a narcissist or sociopath.
Nothing a narcissist
does is normal when
it comes to relationships.
And trying to hold them (man or woman) accountable for their actions or lack thereof
will quite possibly send you over the edge into complete and utter frustration,
maybe even despair.
If you're an empath… a person who is often preyed upon by a personality disordered individual you are likely also an extremely conscientious person… always if not almost always doing the "right thing" and adhering to the basic laws of moral decency. More than likely you're the one who dutifully puts their shopping cart back where it goes in the parking lot corral, more than likely you're the one who uses their pleases and thank you's and lets the one who didn't realize that three traffic lanes are now downgrading to one extremely long and slow lane to cut in front of you because, hey, you've been there and know what that's like. More than likely you're the one who can put themselves into someone else's shoes and feel what they are going through… or at least imagine it. More than likely you are someone who tears up at the sentimental and sweet, maybe you are especially touched by the kindness of others and want to be a blessing to them simply because one would like to think were all in this together.
But not so fast… you may live your life that way… but not everyone does.
So while you're living life as you see fit… as humans should behave…
You meet someone and suddenly find yourself having to EXPLAIN very simple and basic human kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, empathy etc to them. You find yourself reeling in shock that you are actually having this conversation with them(!)… that yes, you are having to explain to them like a kindergartner how to behave with kindness and thoughtfulness… how to give and how to behave in a relationship. You scratch your head wondering what kind of twilight zone you have just entered because who behaves this way? And yet amazingly they have the ability to make it out like you're high maintenance, asking for too much and being "irrational" or that you must be on your period, or that they will call you after you've "calmed down" and come to your senses. Um, no, no, no.
You didn't ask for anything out of the ordinary.
You asked for them to behave like a normal human being.
You asked for basic decency and a giving spirit.
You asked for kindness and simply a reciprocity of
how you live your life… and not in the sense of
keeping score but just desiring what you offer
to others… because you know a relationship
to be successful
is made up of two givers…
that if one person is taking it will never work…
someone who has a selfish heart can never love
the one with a generous one… and the one who
gives will continue to do so like putting
deposits into a bank account that
always, always comes up short.
www.gracepowerstrength.com - 2016