names have been changed or omitted in this post
It was a friday night in February and my daughter was back from her week at her dad's. With that came the usual updating of news and what she'd been up to. I had made us a tray of turkey, cheese and fruit to share and we sat at the kitchen table with my mother catching up.
My daughter plucked a slice of cheese
from the tray and spoke
"Daddy and Georgina have been fighting." She told me.
"They've been married what? Roughly six months.
Is she going to get a job?" I asked.
I knew he expected her to get a job.
But if she worked she wouldn't be available
to join him on his business trips.
"Yes, but not yet… He just had her walk-in closet remodeled and he bought her a new purse for her birthday… I think Chanel and she just got all that new furniture for the main floor of the house. Plus he's flying her back and forth to London to see her kid." My daughter pointed out. "Georgina is always with him. She goes on Daddy's business trips with him. I don't think she trusts him. I think he can tell too…. because she wanted to go on the end of school year field trip as a chaperone with him and he told her no that she didn't need to go. And like... when she goes somewhere she has him go too. You remember, Mommy… when you and Aunt Danielle took that trip to Miami Florida? Daddy sent us to Grammy's house while you were gone. So he was probably cheating on you then." She informed me.
I nodded and murmured "MmmmHmm" in return and sat listening not at all surprised by this bit of news however many years later. That trip to Miami was in Summer 2011. I'd filed October 2012. Wish I'd known then. I would have left sooner. Of course my ex's mother had protected him and told me nothing… she was a classic enabler to her son. And at the end of the day no one could blame Georgina for keeping tabs on her husband, my ex… he'd cheated. Could he really expect complete trust from any woman?
I was always so amazed by men like him. Men like him (shown by their actions) get married, cheat and then after they divorce quickly remarry and then marital issues begin cropping up again oh so quickly. They never thought that maybe they need to stay single. They think: "If I can just find the RIGHT WOMAN". Men who continue to swing from one relationship or marriage to the next (and sometimes have children with multiple women) can't seem to figure out why their pockets are becomingly increasingly poor due to child support (Blaming the woman of course as one of my ex's biggest gripes is the support he pays to me for our daughter) and now add the costs of courting new women which can be exorbitant. These particular men can't figure out why their children are angry at them, why they can't get ahead financially and why they go from woman to woman; their personal lives are a circus act… they don't have a solid foundation because they choose to feed their ego through another "hot" woman they must have to secure more supply instead of choosing one woman for a lifetime and being faithful…
and which is also cheaper in the long-run.
Note: Likewise there are men who marry manipulative man-haters and personality disordered women who are sucking their bank accounts dry, brainwashing their children against them and making their life miserable. Yes, it happens to men as well. These men suffer just as the women who married misogynists and narcissist's.
Misogynist's may try to come across as very pro-woman supporters. But it's not true. Oh yes, they initially come across as "nice guys"… that's the charm of someone who is personality disordered. A narc or sociopath is always a misogynist. But in that "niceness" let's remember there is a big difference between nice and kind. Kindness comes from love, from a good and fruitful place. Nice (charisma) is so often just a mere facade because underneath is a plethora of lies, manipulation, an ugly spiteful heart. Reality is… a man who hates women but acts like he's the nice guy is a misogynist. Misogyny and personality disorder go together like peanut butter and jelly.
12 Signs Of A Misogynistic Man & A Man-Hater:
1. The Misogynist: Can't take a joke/be teased by a woman,
responds in anger; feels she doesn't know her place.
The man-hater: She is generally arrogant
and demeaning toward all men:
"They are all worthless, dogs, etc" and makes cruel jokes.
2. The Misogynist: Is competitive and takes all the credit
for a woman's noteworthy ideas in the workplace;
has zero respect for females.
The Man hater: She rallies with other
women against the men
in her workplace, she gives preference
to females when a male may be just as qualified.
3. The Misogynist: Abhors authority figures and likely
had a contentious relationship with his mother and
or a father who was abusive.
The Man Hater: Has zero male friends and doesn't believe
having them as friends are worth her time.
4. The Misogynist: Sulks and acts like a wounded child when
he doesn't get his way in life; he's unable to apologize or take the blame.
The Man Hater: One minute acts coy and flirty
and the next demanding, blaming, critical;
if her overall general mood is unpredictable beware.
5. The Misogynist: He continually
reminds you that he's "the man".
The Man Hater: She's selfish and controlling;
It's all about her; where she wants to go,
what she wants to do, etc. Expects
to be catered to in life and treated like a princess.
6. The Misogynist: Gives gifts and initially appears to have
a giving spirit but over time you realize his giving is only to
serve his ego and inflate it; and/or he gives
yet demands something in return; the whole
"I bought you dinner, I expect sex" routine.
The Man Hater: Uses you for sex/dinner/gifts/
money/new clothes and jewelry, etc.
7. The Misogynist: Believes most women are gold-diggers;
even if he finds one who is not will never trust she truly isn't.
The Man Hater: Has ulterior motives or believes men do
when it comes to financial/material assets.
8. The Misogynist: Bases a woman's worth on her looks;
he tells you: "You better never get fat…. I'll leave you."
(I was told this for years in my marriage).
The Man Hater: Is always trying to change you; makes
you feel not good enough.
9. The Misogynist: Likely believes it's okay
to catcall women; believes any attention
however negative is a good thing;
He wants women to remember their "place" and
shames them by objectifying them.
To that most women just wish they had a bat handy).
The Man Hater: Believing men are only good
for a few things; making money, sperm, sex.
Note: Women never take catcalling as flattery. At minimum they are annoyed. Many women are upset and frightened (rightly so) because they don't know what further intentions the man has. This reaction is heightened in assault/rape victims.Women may feel forced to carry concealed weapons because they are often the lesser physically strong of the two sexes. Because what is the other option? Defend themselves with bad words? Society has made this the woman's problem instead of the portion of men who act like ignorant animals. This conversation has only just begun on social media and we still have a long way to go in terms of actual progress.
10. The Misogynist: Demanding in
his intimate relationships;
You must wear a dress, No,
you cannot wear flats, You give me sex
when I want it, etc. Some men have never recognized the
fact that the majority of women don't dress for men.
They dress for themselves.
The Man Hater: Dresses seductively to lure and
seduce men but secretly loathes them.
11. The Misogynist: Unfaithful, can't commit,
uses women for sex,
openly leers at women.
The Man Hater: Can't commit, avoids
relationships, ghosts on men
12. The Misogynist: Sees women/his wife as a
piece of property and grabs her
inappropriately i.e.; OJ Simpson, Trump.
The Man Hater: She openly checks out other men
in your presence and doesn't have any sensitivity
toward your feelings about it.
For The Man-Hater:
Hating men is the after-effect of having
loved so much and being crushed so badly.
Let go of the hate; it's eating you alive
and stealing your joy.
The misogynist man hates women but they want a woman.
They want many women. They resent you, loathe you for wanting you in the first place. In their distorted minds you have this mind numbing power over them and their appendage through your looks, your body and your ways that they cannot turn away from. They take zero responsibility; they blame you. You, in your dress and heels, you in your cute little jogging shorts and tank top, you in your jeans and boots, you covered head to toe in your snowsuit; they find you hot and sexy.
Hot & Sexy:
Two words I personally loathe and think are the two
most misrepresented and overused words
to describe women since who knows when…
I guess whenever our society's verbiage as a whole sank to stupid.
He wants to date you, have sex with you and maybe even marry you. And if you turn him down all-you-know-what breaks loose. He is the nice guy kissing up to you, slathering you with verbal accolades (termed love-bombing) at how wonderful you are (translation; how wonderful you would make him look) and of course how hot you are. The love bombing is in overdrive to woo and win you over. If online when initial contact happens and he sends you a message on a dating site you may politely reply that you don't believe you are a match and not interested, but thank you… you are then accosted by a heinous tirade and incense at who exactly do you think you are???!! Who do you think you are to reject HIM? You, the LITTLE woman? He continues to rant that he IS a nice guy and you must be a witch with a capital B. The "nice" guy fades away just as quickly as the real guy makes his presence known to you. Eventually as a woman you learn pretty quickly to just not respond to any men on dating sites unless you're interested… I've experienced this first-hand over and over. The block button becomes your new best friend. After being chewed up and spit out multiple times you finally just throw your hands up and not engage out of complete frustration.
A man cannot hate women and expect them to love them. Oh, they may for awhile… maybe even years. But forever? No… a kind man's love is one that lasts a lifetime and her love for him does as well. (Unless she's the one personality disordered) A nice guy's "love" is fleeting, a facade and all roped in with ego, manipulation and a resentful attitude toward her. Eventually his mask will completely crumble and she will see him for all he truly is… she is either discarded or flees… she will be utterly broken and have to begin the tedious process of rebuilding herself and her life piece by piece. (This happens to men as well) While he merely saunters off in the sunset with a new "hot" piece of supply to feed his hungry ego… angry, hateful and vengeful toward the last woman that didn't satisfy him eternally. And so the circus begins and the next act will be like the last and so forth… him having no one but himself to blame for the upheaval his life is in.
"I DESERVE" = Entitlement
The fact remains: The world does not owe men a "hot" woman. Unfortunately our world has become so hyper focused on outward appearances. Not all but some boys (for example) grow up watching the Marvel comic movies in which the nerdy guy (think the Superman series) conquers the bad guy, comes to the rescue of the leading lady and then somehow she magically falls in love with him and he whisks her away; his award, trophy what have you, off into the sunset. There are a segment of boys fed this misguided message and swallow it as truth (just like girls are fed Cinderella and the hopes of a prince) into adulthood and may come to believe they too are owed a beautiful woman. Not one man is entitled to such a woman. (No woman is entitled to a prince.) A toxic man who does all the outward self improving he can will only make the outside look good… he can't get a heart transplant of kindness. Yes, we all want someone we find attractive and have chemistry with. Instead of saying "I deserve someone hot or sexy" and focusing on the outside as men and women perhaps our dialogue is better suited to what really matters: "I am worthy of someone kind."
One example of how women are still sometimes viewed as no more than mere pretty objects to be patronized or dismissed and any intelligence is deemed as irrelevant is on the show Shark Tank. As women age their physical beauty fades to some degree no matter how stunning initially (as the bible says beauty is fleeting) which causes many of them to become invisible… only confirming the fact their presence is only notable in their beauty and youth. Each week I notice Barbara and Lori… the two women on Shark Tank get dismissed by some of the male entrepreneurs. These are wealthy, accomplished and very intelligent women who have despite many obstacles in a often male centered world gotten where they are. And yet at times the male entrepreneurs on the show don't blink an eye in their apathy when Barbara or Lori state they are declining taking on their product they've pitched and why. These men never saw the value in partnering with them in the first place so they feel zero loss when told "I'm out." I then watch as these same men then eagerly look to the male sharks for a deal… like they are automatically more competent because they are men… versus looking at which shark would best fit their specific products needs. As women teaching our young girls today… we have to set the expectation of being taken seriously by our male peers.
"Dear men, as women we are not here
to be a feast for your eyes.
We are here to lead, create and inspire."
- Jennifer Gafford, www.gracepowerstrength.com
Today so many songs are empowering young women like Rise by Katy Perry but yet some also send the very opposite message we ladies want to convey. The song by Daya Sit Still Look Pretty has a good message in that women aren't here to be pretty objects ogled at by men, to be independent and not just let a man choose them… yet in that same song she states "Call me HBIC". Women don't have to refer to themselves as what men insult them with; girl's today need to be taught that we can be strong without becoming self demeaning and nasty in how we represent ourselves. We can be a proverbs 31 woman and feminist. A Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of worth and beauty. She has the inner beauty that only comes from Christ. She uses her creativity and sense of style to create beauty in her life and the lives of her loved ones.
Proverbs 31 & Feminist?
I believe the two can co-exist; We can say no to sexism and misogyny. We can be strong and independent. We can earn the bacon and fry it. We can keep our maiden names if we desire when we marry. We can serve God with all our heart. We can stand up for survivors of rape and fight rape culture. We can teach young girls boundaries and the right to say no. We can say no to the absurd idea that "boys will be boys". We can break the glass ceiling and support other women's successes. We can respect our husband and help him as needed. We can teach our children the love of Christ. We can even express our anger in a safe and civilized manner at the injustices women still have to overcome worldwide like sex trafficking, lack of education and beatings for not adhering to their husband's demands… we can choose to be pro-life, choose to be mothers, choose to have careers, choose to stay single, choose to not have children, choose to love God in obedience and as an authority, choose to stay home and run a household, choose to adopt, choose to run companies and STILL expect/want our husbands if we so choose to have one to ante up and lead the home spiritually; treat us as partners with a voice and brain and be the Godly men we desperately need them to be in an otherwise unGodly world. And we want a world where men want this as well.
Last but not least, a classic remark misogynistic men like to make when a female has the right to be frustrated, disappointed, hopping mad, etc is: "Oh, you must be on your period", "It must be that time of the month", "Mother Nature is rearing her head" or "Here, have some Midol and a cupcake". It's their way of negating your emotions, your very real justifiable reasons for being mad as a hen; like that he failed to show for another school performance, he continues to cleave to his parents over you, he bought a sports car without your input, he cheated, he sold your house without asking, he failed to pay the taxes, etc. Instead, he states you are being irrational because Mother Nature has obviously hit you and then he laments how he's suffering because of it. Having a period can be one of the most painful and inconvenient things about being a woman. I can guarantee the one day a month you need to wear a dress or want to wear white pants you'll be on your period. Throw in unexpected cycles, headaches, stomach upset, cramping and nausea… it's miserable to go through. Having a period is no excuse for women to behave ugly nor equally is it an excuse for men to use it to minimize or dismiss a woman's concerns or act like just because she's upset that must be the reason.
If you've been with a misogynistic man or a woman who is a man-hater you know life is a living hell with them and no matter what you say or do nothing can change their attitude toward the opposite sex when their hatred of them is so deep and sometimes sadly rooted early in life. Sometimes the only change one can make is whether or not to continue to tolerate the poor behavior they've been enduring… and that goes for women and men.