names have been changed
or omitted in this post
It was a Friday night… my daughter and I were in our kitchen making dinner. I took a knife and sliced into the hot rotisserie chicken I had picked up at the grocery store. Serving us each some chicken on our plates along with cheesy broccoli, I heard the microwave ding and went to open it.
"Mmmmm, cheesy goodness." I said as I pulled out the Stouffer's macaroni and cheese setting it on the countertop.
"Soooo… Daddy…" My daughter said, trailing off as she set her steaming plate on the kitchen table alongside her glass of milk. "He asked me something this week."
I stabbed at my chicken with my fork and cut off a piece taking a bite. "Oh really?" I asked and let silence hang between us. Nothing was said. I watched her expression as she carefully cut the florets off her broccoli stalks and separated them on her plate. I sighed.
"You know… it's all edible. Really." I told her giving her a look.
She ignored my comment and bypassing it spoke "Yeah… he wanted to know what you think of him being with Georgina."
Silence. I slipped a forkful of cheesy macaroni in my mouth and chewed with bliss.
I said nothing. She studied me as I went about merely eating my food and finally as I spoke I felt her hazel eyes assessing me.
"So... what did you say?" I finally asked.
"I told him I didn't know." She replied with a shrug. "Because I don't. You haven't said anything." She admitted.
The scent of dinner hung in the air and outside the window I could hear the chirping of crickets as the Texas sun set behind the large established oak trees. I thought of my new life… my wonderful new life I was thoroughly enjoying… a job with co-workers and bosses I liked, the pretty dishes in hues of turquoise I'd bought we were eating on… photos of my daughter and I at the beach on vacation gracing the shelves to my left… seeing my daughter doing well despite the lingering effects of the devastation we had all been through almost three years ago… I sat contently.
"Well… "I trailed off. "I hadn't said anything because there's nothing to say." I told her… "Quite frankly… I don't give a darn."
"Oh…" She replied with arched eyebrows.
"Sweetpea… I have a great life. I don't need to think about them." I told her with a smile.
The truth was… anyone who knew the truth about him and still dated him anyway was a psycho themselves… plotting for their green card or some other benefit of financial means. Either that or an innocently naive lamb on the way to eventual slaughter, I thought to myself.
The narcissistic sociopath will find and secure new supply to fulfill his fragile ego. He (or she) will tell everyone their new love is different… they are beyond perfect… they are the epitome of everything they've wanted… they understand him (or her) like you never did… they dress better, they look better, they woo and coo to everyone how blissfully happy they are to have finally found "the one"… that THIS one accepts him fully despite any bumps or warts (cough, cough) he may have… how wonderful to have finally found such an angel, right?
You hear snippets of how well he (or she) is doing and the picture he tries to paint that is passed to you via messenger is one that he hopes you covet… that he hopes you're emotionally distraught and heart stricken over… hoping that you feel an emptiness inside that it's no longer you… you having been replaced with this new brilliant gem he (or she) has found in a sea of dirty glass… at one time you were the gem… but no longer… now you… in his eyes are missing out on the privileged life he lives… one he has blown up so big in his fantastically delusional mind… and you just smirk to yourself perpetually like Mona Lisa.
We can remember that in the narcissistic sociopath's eyes the new supply serves your ex great purpose… not only do they provide flattering supply to the narc's ego but also serve as sweet revenge toward you… because you see… it's been proven now that your ex isn't the issue… after all, look at how quickly they were able to snag someone new. Here they are moving FORWARD as a COUPLE (a must in their world) madly in LOVE while you… what do you do again? Oh, yeah… while you putter around aimlessly as they imagine wondering when love will find you and likely wishing you had them back.
Ha! They are so incredibly amusing, are they not?
Because as anyone knows who has lived through this craziness we call the aftermath of divorcing a narcissistic sociopath… we know that their new life is one enormously huge sham. They are grasping, they are hurrying, they are all the time WORKING(!) dang it to secure this new person and what's more… KEEP them; like a dog they must be leashed at all times the narc must make sure it works… because God forbid it doesn't… and then they lose face… that they couldn't keep them, couldn't hold it together… that they failed.
So they hustle and they woo and seduce as they only know how to make their newfound supply coo and moan in ecstatic joy at how insanely wonderful they are… all the narc's over the top efforts, words and flattery finding their way… squirming into this new person's heart and mind like the twisted little snake they are… unbeknownst to them that in time… slowly in biding time they will lose their place… they, the new prized supply will topple and fall from the pedestal… one day being discarded...
Just. Like. You. Were.
Because one day… just like her (if she or he is not a psycho themselves) she will come to see him for what he truly is… him claiming to be God himself but behaving like Satan… desiring sexual acts that she will not be willing to relinquish, expecting complete compliance but now receiving resistance, wanting reverence but now getting disdain… it will all turn badly just as it did with you… the same damaging patterns emerging like they have before.
So when people point and act like something is wrong with you because you're unattached…
When people question why you haven't found someone special to spend the rest of your life with…
When so many raise their eyebrows and whisper that maybe you are the one with the issue…
When you get asked the question of "You aren't seeing anyone?"
Just smile and move on.
Because the truth is… you are complete. You are healed, you are new and have peace.
You don't need supply like your ex does.
You are willing to wait for a love that is real and not fabricated.
Because somewhere out there is an empathetic person thinking of someone like you…
Somewhere out there is a person who has been hurt countless times by someone who has confused love with control and domination…
Somewhere a person lies in bed at night wondering what it would be like to love someone like you… and to be loved by someone with a kind and loving heart…
Someday you will meet them…
Two hearts that will whisper "Pinch me" everyday... when they see you, think of you or kiss your forehead… because all the hell they've been through… all the destruction, all the pain… eventually brought you to them… however long it takes and they thank sweet, sweet Jesus everyday to have found you.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015