this post contains language
We had spent the afternoon strolling around the mall... and we had happened upon a photo booth... him spontaneously turning to me with a wide grin and taking my hand.
“Come, “ he had said to me and I let myself be led by him to the tiny booth.
He fed the machine with some paper money then pulled back the small black curtain to reveal a seat inside. I ducked my head, climbing in and he joined me. It was dark and intimate inside the cozy booth and the sounds of the bustling mall outside it became muffled... children's gleeful laughter on the carousel, the merry music it made as it spun in circles of dizzying delight... the sweet scent of cinnamon pretzels baking for hungry stomachs dissipating once we were behind the dark curtain. Sitting cramped inside the booth beside him, I was keenly aware of our close proximity, his crisply ironed Ralph Lauren dress shirt, his masculinity, his beautiful golden skin like that of caramel and my smallness in size next to him. The scent of his Boss cologne with notes of spice, citrus and suede filled the tiny booth overpowering it and I glanced at his profile, feeling the intimacy of the moment.
He pointed to the camera and we put our heads together, both smiling, waiting for the camera to count down to the final flash. It took our picture and we climbed out waiting for it to print. The black and white photo slowly emerged bit by bit, finally dispensing, he taking it. We both looked at it. There we were smiling together at the top of an eight by eleven crisp sheet of white paper with a tiny calendar printed below it on the bottom half of the page. He smiled quietly and handed it to me. I carefully took it so as not to wrinkle it and we left the mall.
Once back at the apartment I took a clear plastic pushpin and pinned the black and white photo calendar to the bulletin board on the wall next to the dresser mirror. He smiled and slipped his arm around me, looking at the photo. He turned to me and said into my right ear,
“Anh yeu em.”
“What does that mean?” I asked him, not understanding.
“It mean I love you Jen e fur.” He replied, affectionally giving me a hug using the three distinct syllables as he always did for my name, then retreated to the kitchen to prepare lunch while I stood there absorbing this new revelation by him.
Oh, Shit! I thought to myself.
I gripped the edge of the black dresser with my fingers to steady myself from this new jolting news. My breath came out in ragged spurts, my fingers and nail beds turned stark white on the edge of the dresser and I glanced back up at the smiling photo pinned to the cork board. It was our first photographic proof of our time together. I looked intently at the girl in the photo smiling back at me. What the hell was happening? He loved me? No... this can't be. But yet how was it in this sick twisted mess that I had developed feelings for him? Oh God... I thought despairingly. How was that possible after what he'd done? He had committed at that time the seemingly unforgivable yet here I was standing in a quagmire of conflicting emotional hate and affection for him. How had this happened? It wasn't normal... surely it wasn't.... and yet I had no idea what to do or if I could even leave. Leaving... I knew he wouldn't take kindly to that.
Now I had a tie to him however messed up that was.
However it comes about... whether it's your boyfriend, a long term relationship, a one night stand... a rape that turns into some kind of bizarre relationship when you are seventeen and you've left home... regardless of how it manifested... maybe you feel tied to this man, this person whom you've had sex with... and now you feel tied to them however destructive the tie may be... it may resemble anything but love...
You realize it's not a tie of love and what God desires for you but more like zip ties of bondage and subjugation....
that consequently brings a flurry of feelings... of control, helplessness, despair and a confused connection that isn't healthy.
That is not a good thing.
That is a tie that must be broken.
A soul tie is an emotional/ sexual bond developed with a person that we know is not healthy for us but yet we continually feel a pull toward that person. This is can prevent us from moving forward in life and leading us to the good, healthy relationships that God desires us to have. Soul ties can leave us stuck and unable to move past the baggage we need to deal with. It can be in the case of a one night stand, a long term relationship that ended, a divorce, etc. We have to cut these toxic ties to others so that we can go on to live the life God has planned for us... cutting these ties pleases God and living to please Him is much more important than living with the gravitational pull toward another human being that is not in our best interests. God wants us to ask for help in cutting soul ties we may have with someone and praying for His help is one of the wisest things we can do. It will take time... there may be setbacks, but by staying in God's word, admitting to Him you need help and cutting all contact with the person whom you have a soul tie with... will greatly benefit you in moving forward. Eventually over time we will find that we no longer think of this person and finally feel free!
When we run... flee from the ties that bind us in sin....
When we say "no more" and shut that door...
When we obey God and what He desires for us...
We will be incredibly blessed and live in peace....
what great freedom there is in that!
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013
image “His Hands Are In Chains” by patrisyu via FreeDigitalPhotos.net