I watched him carefully as he winced, his facial expression one of pain. It was a look I knew well and had known for years. I watched as he reached down to grasp his knee.
"It's going to rain tonight." I said quietly.
He looked over at me "It is?" He asked.
"Yea..." I trailed off. I glanced over at our son, waiting for him, so I could leave and head home. Above us, the evening sky was streaked with colors of salmon and dust blue from the setting sun.
"How do you know?" He asked me with curiosity.
I spoke without hesitation "Because your knee hurts." I told him.
He paused, looking at me first with quiet shock, as if I'd taken him off guard... that I remembered. Then his face broke into a smile... "Yeah..." He nodded, "You remember."
I nodded and briskly moved on.
Of course I remember.
It's hard to forget all the little things about someone you've known since you were nineteen and now thirteen years of (broken) marriage later... considering that means knowing this person nearly half a life... you don't forget it... or all the other little things about them overnight.
There is VALUE in someone knowing everything about you.
I wondered fleetingly if he realized that.
If he knew that.
If he missed that.
At the end of the day that was his buisiness not mine and internally I shrugged knowing regardless it really made zero difference now... it was a mute point. But I realized something... very defining in that moment... that I had noticed I'd been working toward for awhile but now it settled over me like a comforting shawl-like blanket around my shoulders.
I had lost the rage, the anger, the hate... slowly dissipating bit by bit in tiny increments.
It had been diminishing more and more with lots of prayer, reading God's word, His conviction...
I had reached a new destination in my journey of healing. It was freeing.
It was peaceful.
It was detachment.
And maybe a little pity for him.
By no means did this mean I would forget what he did in that I certainly wasn't going to open the door to hand out trust or invite unnecessary crazy in my life.Because unlike that song I don't want crazy calling me maybe. The best part was I didn't feel a need to fight. Fire doesn't need fire, it needs a strong spray of water. And a good exit plan so you don't get burned.
Instead I knew my boundaries. And it was what it was.... I didn't owe any explanations or soft peddling or compromising for the boundaries I chose. It was suddenly simple, so not complicated and all very matter of fact. Later that night as I listened to the thunder rumble... predictably rolling in, becoming closer as my children set up a board game for us to play and soon hearing the rain hitting the roof...
I thought of how much sin hurts families when poor choices are made that reflect a lack of value... appreciation... for the person who knows everything about you... every glance, look, pause and the silence that speaks between you. Some people would give their right arm to have that... to have that with someone because they are unhappily alone. I can think of nearly nothing better than knowing someone so intimately you finish each others sentences, you clasp their hand when you know they are struggling, you know just when to crack a joke to lighten the mood and when feeling beyond exasperated with them you turn the kitchen sink sprayer (true story) on them with a gleeful laugh along with it... only to be wrestled and tackled for it and get soaked back.
One day I will have that.
But better yet someone who appreciates it.
The opposite of love is not hate.
Hate requires as much energy if not more than love. It's a flashing sign of pain within. It's all-consuming. It's real and yet so not pretty. It's undeniably exhausting. It's boiling and acidic and makes you feel... feel awful... you waffle like a red light green light game between feeling justified and feeling convicted... knowing you need God more than ever before.
Peace can be yours...
Peace can be for each of us.
If we don't do but one thing today... one thing at all... let's tell one person who loves us, who we are blessed to know in our life, who knows everything about us...
how much we value them.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013