Thursday, May 24th, 2018
​some names have been omitted in this post
​this post contains language

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​They say the human body can withstand going without water for three days. They say it can withstand going without food for at least a week. The thing about humans is we usually do whatever is necessary to survive even taking drastic measures and risks if need be. In extreme negative life circumstances not everyone may make it out of the darkness and that's a horrible shame... whether it's war, disease, personal battles of demons and long term depression, financial debts and ruin, job loss or the death and loss of a child. Some human beings either out of long term dire situations or poor choices made in how to survive those situations end up meeting their death. But even in the worst possible of times life is NOT meant to be lived in survival mode forever... only an interim to get through point A to point B. Eventually escaping exhaustion and long term stress; functioning on adrenaline for so long we will eventually reach the destination of burnout. The question is how long do we have before that happens? And how long can a human being survive after heartbreak? How long can a mother or father fight for custody of their children and or go without them? These are all questions I'm sorry for anyone to have to grapple with and ask themselves... man or woman.

Survival it seems they say is only for the fittest... but at what point do we say I'm just not going to accept only surviving anymore? At what point do we say enough to the insanity? At what point do we know that a sip of water, a stale cracker or mercy from the person we procreated with or the family court system is never going to give us what we need to survive... so our only choice is to toss our empty cup at them.... scream from our parched lips and kick at the dust that was once our lives and turn to walk away... at what point do we say "I cannot continue living like this" and "my heart cannot take another heartbreak" because I'm going to have a breakdown or blow my brains out? At what point do we stand on the edge of a cliff... dying a little more each day or walking away to thriving? Out of self preservation? To save our sanity? At what point do we say "I didn't become a parent so I could be abused every day the rest of my life.... " So we stand there on the edge... wavering in the wind between prison and freedom.... dust circling our feet and hair whipping in the outer expanse.... our stomach feeling like it was kicked in, our body and mind numb and eyes no longer able to produce tears.... emotions just out of grasp.... except for maybe white rage.... our heart feeling like a drinking glass busted into a million jagged pieces... let me tell you... it's no way to live. And on that note... no ex spouse, ex relationship or yes, even child is worth taking your life. Let me be clear: There is so much good to be found in life beyond this mess... as parents we may wrap our whole identity into being a mom or dad... but there is YOU. There is you that is a whole and worthy human being on their own.... worthy of so much more than what you're living... and if you're going through this hell that is also known as co-parenting with a sociopath and enduring aggressive child custody litigation through the family court system.... not one of them is worth a hill of beans.... they can all jump on the express train to hell.... because they are the devil and one day when it's hot they will be the one gasping for water... parched and without a fountain of freedom in sight.

*****************

​"Could I jump in with some stuff from last time?" The reunification therapist asked me and my son as we all three sat circling the long glossy conference table.

​I nodded "That's fine. I have some stuff I need to clarify too." I replied.

​"Your son said the conversation may be more open if it's just the two of you... so dad is waiting in the waiting room today. Is that a fair statement? I think that takes a lot of insight on his part." She informed me. I nodded and she continued, "So I think part of why what were doing here is difficult is because there's been so much time pass. The thing with the recording was something he remembered that was troublesome to him. So talk about what that was like for you." She said.

I spoke "I didn't record the phone conversations the kids had with their dad. I recorded the conversations I was having with them when they'd come back over to my house from their dads. They were telling me things about dad. At the loft apartment he had during the divorce process he had a druggie he picked up at a bar on 7th street that he took back to the apartment. He had her around the children. Incidents like that. Later after the divorce was final and he moved back into the marital home he was having women into the house at all hours of the day and night and he was letting them in through the garage. So there were a lot of things going on over there at the house that I was concerned about and as a mom I had a right to know about them. So when the kids would come back over to my house and they'd tell me about these incidents I recorded them. With a hand held recorder. So yes, I did." I relayed to the therapist. I didn't feel one bit of guilt for doing it either. If a parent isn't going to do the right thing you do what you have to document their poor parenting and morally ill ways.

​"Okay... " The therapist nodded, "So she's acknowledging recording." She told my son. He failed to understand I was the parent and I could record anything I wanted to. For some reason he thought he was in charge.... kind of like his father. I didn't need his reprimanding.

​"So why didn't you mention the recording at the appointment last week?' He asked me.

​"I didn't feel comfortable at the time. It was too adversarial with your dad in the room." I replied.

​"And I think that's understandable..." The therapist nodded "and challenging too." She affirmed. "And I'm going to accept responsibility for having dad in the room last time."

​"I feel like when you were recording us you were using us like little birds to know what was going on. I get it's normal to ask what's going on but to ask about every single event and person in the house I think it ridiculous." My son informed me.

​"So let's sit with that for a moment... "The therapist nodded "What term would you use for how you felt?" She asked him.

​"A messenger." He replied.

​"I don't know if that was your intent or not." She asked me.

​"That wasn't my intent at all. My daughter was coming to me and telling me that their dad was pulling her brother into the upstairs master bedroom and having 'private talks' with him and how he was slowly turning him against me. So I'm over there of the thinking I've got to fight this somehow, find out what is going on over there." I told her.

​"Like you weren't trying to tell us what to believe!" He yelled at me, slamming his hand down on the conference table.

​"Okay... I need you to use a calm tone of voice please." The therapist advised him after jumping in her seat.

​"Basically what we have ... this is the situation in a nutshell... Dad was alienating and I was doing what I could to fight it." I replied, "Maybe my tactics weren't wise but I was doing what I was trying to do to fight it. And it obviously didn't work as you can see because we now have this situation we have today and we're here." I told her and she nodded. I continued, "I mean, any mom... or dad for that matter if that was the situation... if they are seeing that they're slowly losing their child emotionally and I guess that connection... their going to do what they can to fight it." I added.

​"So let me ask you this... then why is it you kicked me out? You clearly didn't care." He retorted at me.

​"Let's come to back to that...." She replied, addressing my son, "You said something I think is the root of a lot of difficulty for you. It's that you believed mom was telling negative things about dad." She told him yet then turned to me, "What I'm hearing is that you were desperately trying..." She trailed off.

"I was desperate. I felt like I was losing my child." I admitted.

"Well, good." My son told me with a hateful tone. He acted so nasty. It's amazing to me how people can easily dish it out but never accept any responsibility for their horrible actions and ugly words.

"Well, hang on a second because I think the other part of it is hearing your mom's tactics were wrong." She said.

"Yeah. She's a stupid idiot!" He snapped, glaring at me.

​"I don't need to be called names." I told him sternly glaring right back.

​"That is pretty rude..." The therapist told him seemingly aghast at his behavior. His behavior was a reflection of his father. This "therapy session" was merely a continuation of his father's verbal and emotional abuse toward me.

​"I don't care what you have to say!!!!" He screamed at me suddenly.

​"Then why are you here?" I demanded.

​"I'm forced to be here because of YOU!!!" He screamed back at me, slamming his hand down on the table once again. "But YOU chose to do this!!!" He yelled, "I told her I didn't want to!"

​"Well, you can choose to sign off and pull out..." I told him.

​"I tried!!!" He yelled.

​"Slow down, slow down!" The therapist scolded him softly trying to regain control of the therapy session.

​"Some of the things I said to him is I want him to have the opportunity to see things differently." She told me, "And for him to talk about what it's been like to be in his shoes. He's said very clearly that he doesn't want to be here. He's doing it because he kinda has to." She said.

​"I don't get a choice!" He snapped.

​Dear God I sure didn't get a choice when I got sucked into this hell by your father, I thought to myself.

​"I was pulled into this because of YOU!!!!" He screamed at me with hatred In his eyes. I would have no idea until almost a month from this appointment date that he'd been asssesed for homicidal ideation toward me and my mother. There was seemingly no fixing this mother son relationship and quite frankly as abusive as he was I was seeing less and less ability for it to happen.

​"No, you were pulled into this because of your father!" I replied right back.

​"Hang on...." The therapist tried to interject but she was steamrolled by my son who spoke over her.

​"No, the judge and Gina Galloway (his personal therapist) told me and so did she, " He replied pointing to the therapist sitting between us, "It was your choice to do this. So don't bullshit me!" He yelled at me again.

​"The judge said 'I expect you to do this...' " I told him, "I think the papers said.... "I trailed off referring to the final order signed by the judge.

​" 'I think??!!" 'I think??!!' " He exploded at me, "Are you going to bullshit us?!" He asked.

​She spoke, "I do think this is your choice.... and yes, you were following a court order but you also wanted to try with your son." She affirmed with me.

​"I wanted to reach out and at least make an attempt, yes." I replied.

​"Well, why didn't you do that several years ago?" He asked me.

​"Because I didn't know that this was an option. I didn't know about reunification therapy. No one told me." I admitted.

​"And I will say... when parents are really stuck, their desperate, they are helpless to make things better because they just don't know.... we expect our parents to know better. And they can't always know everything. So it was a suggestion that mom participate and I don't have the rest of the order but the suggestion was that you try." She nodded.

​"I wanted to at least make an attempt;" I affirmed... "The following week when we were to exchange the kids again after I had his grandmother Mimi pick him up that last day he lived with me... back then we were doing fifty fifty and exchanging every Friday. I told him," I said, referring to my son, "If you can behave yourself you can come over here if you won't hit or hurt anyone. And I talked to his dad as well about it. And obviously he chose not to come. I wanted him to come over but I wasn't going to put up with the behaviors." I informed her... "Each time... I think it was the next following week I was able to reach out asking him if he wanted to do this or that, I was calling him on his cell phone, we were chatting and I have photos of text messages that we had on his phone for awhile. But as the months went by I couldn't reach him anymore and finally I found out he'd blocked me. So then I called his dad and he'd put him on the phone but he didn't want to talk or interact. I'd ask him about homework, how his day was and he'd just be like 'yeah, yeah, yeah... okay, bye....' click. And so those were the types of interactions we were having at that point. I wasn't making any progress. It wasn't productive." I explained in detail.

​"Nor were you going to!" My son snapped at me.

​"So does that sound like an accurate picture of what was happening?" She asked him.

"Yeah, I'd definitely agree with that." My son admitted. I was glad I had this recorded.

​"Okay." She affirmed pointedly, "So really your mom WAS making an effort."

​I spoke, turning to him, "So what exactly is your problem with me? Why do you hate me so much? Why do you have so much anger toward me?" I asked him, "When you were little, when Daddy and I were still married we were buddies, we were close. If you want to take your fits aside we had a good relationship." I told him.

"So I think your mom's frustration is reasonable. Why are you so angry?" She asked him.

​“I've told you. I feel like I'm not cared about. I feel mistreated. And I'm not wanted. And I was kicked out." He told me angrily.

​"Sometimes we care a whole lot but we mentally, our capacity is just filled and we can't manage. I didn't know what to do. I'm not a bouncer. No one gives you a guidebook. I was at a loss and while were on the subject my calling the police on your fits... I was told to do that by Mark Rhodes who was his therapist through Cook Children's up in Cityview." I informed her.

​"Oh, wow.... " She gasped.

​"I told him, 'I don't know what to do about this'." I added.

​"If I'm in mom's shoes I don't know what to do or try for help. And you didn't come with a manual." She pointed out to him.

​"It started derailing the very first night of the divorce." I spoke. "When his dad was served papers for infidelities he started twisting the truth to get their allegiance. At that point our son was coming to me saying 'there's all this stuff going on at dad's that shouldn't be going on...' He knew because he's a smart kid so he was telling me. But later it became a thing where I was asking and he did not want to share anything with me. That was later... it was a process." I shared with her. My ex had initially tried to alienate our daughter but when he wasn't successful with turning her, he'd turned to our son and began working on him.

​"She kicked my dad out that first night." My son lied. Oh, how the truth was twisted. Yes, his dad was to leave the martial home that first night; that's how divorce papers via the court worked... you were served and expected to leave the house. Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't be a loser. Then you won't get kicked out.

​"The court stated for him to leave the marital home due to the suit of divorce." I stated again. For some reason this was rocket science for some folks. If you cheat and screw up your family you shouldn't get anything. Throw them out on their ass without their stuff and their kids... maybe less people would commit infidelity. I was so done with assholes that thought they could do whatever they wanted and not have any consequences when it came to marriage. I had no patience for them... I should have been a judge... good God we needed some new ones.

"Yeah to this day I'm glad I'm not living with you." He glared at me.

​"You know... you grow up and you have the right and insight to say this person is a cheater and a liar and you get to choose to surround yourself with the type of people you want to be around. You get to choose the character of those you want to be around." I told them.

​"He's having trouble seeing the good in you." She told me.

"There is no good." He sneered at me.

​"If that's the way he feels that's the way he feels." I shrugged sadly but matter of fact.

​*********************

​www.gracepowerstrength.com
​

​More on Parental Alienation and Target Parents:
parentalalienationsupport.com/2011/11/20/letting-go-when-alienated-parents-give-up/

Wednesday, May 16th, 2018
names have been omitted in this post
this post contains language
this post is longer than most
​has been edited for space
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We all took our places at the large conference table that was surrounded with glass windows and a glass door. Getting settled in our seats the reunification therapist began with addressing my son, "I'm sure there are things for you to get off your chest... I think that's important. And we also talked about how I'd like you to share some positive things about you and your mom... but you said you couldn't think of anything." She told my son who was seated at the head of the conference table to my left. Across from me she sat, petite and blonde, with a legal pad and pen for note taking. In the far corner of the room beside my son sat my ex husband in silence. My ex was merely there to keep our son from attacking me if he became enraged during the session.

My son nodded and affirmed that he didn't recall any positive memories with me. I wasn't surprised, as his dad had a done a stellar job at brainwashing him. Anyone familiar with children and psychology knew that that reaction wasn't normal and had been the result of parental alienation. It was good seeing him again... after so much time... he was taller, older and in various moments I caught glimpses of me and his dad in him... it was good and yet weird at the same time to see him. I wanted to hug him yet couldn’t. It was a deep feeling of sorrow and loss within me... so many years lost and for no good or valid reason. I’d been made the bad guy; every story has to have a scapegoat.

"There's been so much pain..." She lamented and I took note of her catering to him; she seemed to be treating him with kid gloves... I was certain she didn't want him going off on her. Then she added "But in speaking with your mom she was able to recall some positive things with you." She told him with a smile "Does that surprise you?" She added, asking him. I cringed at her latter question. What exactly was the purpose of her asking that question? It was so personal; like she was trying to be as cruel as possible toward me. It was bewildering and bizarre.

He nodded that yes, it surprised him and replied "Yeah."

"Mom," She said, "Did you have some positive things you'd like to share?" She asked me.

I nodded and turned to my son "Well, when you were a lot younger we liked to bake together. You always liked vanilla cupcakes and cookies and so we'd make those and I'd make chocolate with your sister." I reminded him.

"So do you remember baking when you were younger?" She asked him with a smile and added, “What were some of your favorite things to bake?" She asked.

"Chocolate chip cookies." He replied and glared at me. I took note of the silent message. He had hated chocolate when he was younger. He'd always been adamant he wouldn't eat chocolate. He'd only wanted vanilla. He was lying. Or he was referring to now present day; to his current preference... not back when he was younger, a toddler or in grade school. It was his way of denying and dismissing our shared moments and the truth.

"So what other things do you remember?" She asked me.

"He was a great helper, that's one of his positive traits... around the house, we would bake together, cook together and at Thanksgiving he would help me make the dressing." I told her. I had photos from previous family Thanksgivings years ago that showed us making the cornbread dressing.

"You're such a volunteer... helping others... does that surprise you to hear your mom say that?" She asked him.

"I thought you would have figured that out a long time ago since we already talked about it." He retorted to her.

I sat back aghast at his attitude and how he was responding to her. This was not the boy I had raised. When I had been in the picture when he was younger he'd had beautiful manners. His father had done a lovely job since then, I noted. I wanted to reprimand my son and tell him he needed to speak nicer but didn't... I didn’t feel like I could after no contact for several years.

"And a helping spirit is a proud thing to have." She nodded.

"An act of service is a good positive trait to have." I affirmed.

"So you can go for broke and share what you're mad about regarding mom, from what I gather there is a laundry list of things." She added and I cringed once again at how she seemed to be egging him on. This "therapy" was a joke. He begins speaking but she cuts him off and says "Look at me or your mom but not at your dad... he's an ant on the wall during this." She informed him.

{discussion ensues regarding his childhood items and baby stuff
I have been storing for him and that he wants it immediately}

"I have some things that I found," I told the therapist "I already took a bunch of his stuff to him a few years ago to his dad's and left it outside the garage like his dad asked in bags." I pointed out.

"What additional things have you found?" She asked me.

"I found his moo cow that mooed, blankets, quilts his great grandmother's made, the white turtleneck from when he was three or four with the trains on it... his hat from Old Navy that he wore to the zoo during the summers... his Bear In The Big Blue House fork, it was his favorite when he little." I shared, listing several of the top items that came to mind.

"So these sound like your things?" She asked my son for confirmation

He nodded, "I want my stuff back. I don't want excuses, I want results." He retorted toward me.

​"I wanted you to know that she's making an effort." She affirmed to him giving me credit that I had been searching for his things and trying to smooth things over.

​I spoke, wanting to make a point "I should also point out that it's not uncommon for parents to hold onto their children's things until they are older."

​"It's not yours! So give it back!" My son snapped at me. I had never heard of a fifteen year old teen boy so adamantly wanting his baby and childhood things. It was odd to me. I had always thought most children didn't take a big interest in their baby things until after college graduation and maybe even later; after marrying and having children of their own. I was fine with him having the stuff; it was his after all... and yet in that I also believed it was really my ex who was behind all this... this wasn't about sentimentality... this was about control, punishment and him erasing what little I had left of my son's childhood other than a handful of photos and years ago fleeting memories.

​Through gritted teeth I spoke "I hear that. I hear that." I replied, holding back a litany of what I wanted to say.

​"Oh you're going to hear it!" He snapped at me nastily.

​"Okay, so you have two months to find the remaining things and then you'll get your things back." The therapist stated. Changing gears and the topic she then spoke again... "We talked how your mom abandoned you." She told my son. Oh this was going to be really something, I grimaced to myself. Buckle up.

​"I was wrote off." He nodded, "Mimi was waiting outside in her car and my shoes go flying past me into the yard." He told her, referring to his dad’s mother.

​"And what did you do?" She asked him.

​"I didn't know what to do." He shrugged, and gestured to his dad sitting in the corner "He was in China. I was kicked out of my own home and the police had been called on me three times before that." He added. I found it interesting how there was no taking personal responsibility by him. He'd had the police called on him three times because he'd attacked me three times previously before that final day he was under my roof. No one had been up in arms I had been hit, kicked, bitten and threatened to be peed on by him.... no one had been up in arms that I was covered in bruises up and down my legs trying to fend him off and wrestled with him for well over twenty minutes drenched in sweat and my heart pounding from exertion... no one had been up in arms that I'd been called every ugly word in the book by him. The court, the amicus, no one had been up in arms. Instead I was a horrible mother because I wasn't going to put up with myself or my home being annihilated by him. Instead of being seen as the abuser; he was now the victim... kind of like his father... the irony didn't escape me. I didn't know what the hell the issue with these fits had been... Asperger's or just psychopathy... I didn't give a shit honestly... I wasn't dealing with it if it was abusive no matter what you want to call it.

​"What were your feelings?" She asked him gently. I practically rolled my eyes. Oh, please.

​"Helpless. Didn't know what to do." He replied. I looked over at my ex who was covering his face and shaking his shoulders like he was silently sobbing. Oh, please. What an actor. Grandstanding.

​"Scared... and helpless." She nodded and affirmed then turned to me "Do you understand why?" She asked me.

​I sat there choosing my words very carefully "I understand him feeling overwhelmed." I replied cautiously.

​"You had no contact?" She asked him referring to he and I afterward that final day together.

​"I was fine with that." He nodded. Lies. He was lying. There had been contact. For months I'd tried to reach out. I called him the following Thursday or Friday and asked him if he wanted to come back to my home on the condition that he didn't hurt me again. I'd also called his cell phone and asked him many, many times to go get ice cream, grab dinner or go bowling, etc with me. But he'd always turn me down. Then he blocked me. I then began calling his dad's phone and asking to speak to him. Those conversations entailed me asking about school, his day, what he'd had for dinner, about his friends and hobbies and him just grunting and finally saying he had to go. I actually asked his dad to please get on the phone as well and make our son converse with me; encourage the relationship yet my ex refused and said "I'm not going to sit there with him! I'm not going to make him do that!" He had instead delighted in our relationship deteriorating after his alienation and now here we were many years later with a mess bigger than us.

​"What would have made that moment better?" She asked him, "Would you have wanted her to call you?"

​"I was happy when she didn't call. I don't want her on my mind." He replied, lying once again.

"You felt neglected, left out and left behind. Do you realize how he felt?" She asked me like a child who had to be reprimanded.

​He interjected and spoke "Think about your actions. Because you clearly didn't." He scolded me.

​"Can you accept that you reacted emotionally?" She asked me.

​Again I spoke choosing my words very carefully " I can say that emotions were high all around that day." I conceded, "It was a highly charged day all the way around."

​"Are there things you would have done differently?' She asked me.

​"Yes, I believe so..." I replied not stating what those things were. How far back did she want me to go? To the day I said "I do"?

​"What else could you have done?' The therapist queried me.

​"I could have called his grandmother Mimi to come to the house and merely sit with him and talk to him." I replied.

​"I would have left anyway." My son replied callously.

​"But then that would have been your choice, correct?" She pressed.

​"Yeah, I would have gladly left." He shot back. I was continually amazed and shocked at how nasty his tone was. His father had done a bang up job alright.

​"Did you feel you could leave?" She asked him.

​"Yeah." He nodded.

​"And yet you don't feel as though it would have helped if your mom had had Mimi come help with you?" She affirmed to him then turned to me "You had a desperation and you didn't know what to do."

​"I was at a loss." I affirmed.

​"Yet kids believe that their parents will know how to handle stuff." She pointed out.

​Yes, please share with us boys and girls once again how I've failed as a mother, I thought sarcastically to myself. I spoke "I've learned that parents don't always know how to handle things. We look up to our parents and then think they know everything but they don't." I told her.

​"So you weren't really trying to hurt him?" She asked me. Was she for real? I thought to myself. No one asked my ex any questions about why he was such a terrible parent... and that question would be a valid one based on the results.

​"It's not malicious. You just want the situation to calm, you don't know what to do. We don't get a manual." I replied to her. Note to self: When you have kids in your next lifetime and perhaps get beat up you need to have taken krav maga. Geez.

​"Did it feel as though your mom was purposefully trying to hurt you?" She asked him.

​He nodded "Yeah."

​"I remember telling him as I was trying to keep from getting beat up that 'you're not going to keep kicking, hitting and biting me... 'and.." I added "I probably said 'this shit is going to stop...'" I told her.

​"That's painful to admit, "She admitted "Parents don't like admitting they messed up." She laughed. Wow, I thought to myself. Just wow. They really broke the mold when they made this therapist... I had never experienced therapy like this. This was all ridiculous, "After he went to his dad's I texted and called him over several months."

​"I never received anything." He shook his head.

​"That's because you blocked me." I replied back, "There were attempts."

​"I cut that off!' He snapped.

​"You were in charge of that..." She quipped almost with a proud tone.

​"Yeah, I had the judge stop that." He nodded.

​"So your mom was trying to communicate with you." She pointed out.

​"I didn't care what she had to say. I'm done. I'm still done. I don't want to be here! I didn't get a choice!" He practically yelled.

​"That has to be hurtful." She affirmed to me then added, "But maybe that's him being hurtful on purpose." She ventured.

"Did you know anyone in school who had a mother who kicked them out of the house?" He asked.

​"We're both victims. We're both in the pit." I replied quietly, "I felt abused by my kid. I felt abused by my ex. His abuse was him being used by his father to abuse me." I explained.

​"NO!!!" My son yelled at me with a dark glare.

​"You've felt pushed away..." She affirmed looking at me, "Was there a benefit to yanking one of his parents out of his life?" She asked me.

​"I don't feel comfortable answering that question." I said quietly, eyeing my ex in the corner, trying to make a subtle point.

​"But you've felt pushed away." She stated.

​"Yes, I've felt pushed away." I said, "I'd also like to point out that I should have been able to contact my son and gotten something in return." I pointed out.

​"Why do you think I keep so busy all the time?!” He responded in ugliness, “It helps keep things off my mind like this crud!" He retorted angrily then he rose from his chair "I'm going to the restroom. I'll be back." He departs from the room and I glare openly at my ex sitting in the corner...

​"Wow, you've really worked him over, haven't you?!" I exclaimed to him.

​"Go fuck yourself!" He snapped back nastily.

**********************

www.gracepowerstrength.com
​


Thursday, May 10th, 2018
names have been omitted in this post
​this post contains language
​this post is longer than most
​and has been edited for space

*************************


​We sat in the conference room surrounded by glass windows that looked out into the long narrow hallway on the sixth floor of the building. It was the court appointed reunification therapist who was to do the therapy to bridge my estranged relationship with my now teenage son. I hadn't seen him since he was twelve in March 2014. The therapist sat at the head of the conference table with myself to her right and across from me sat my ex. We were there to discuss the upcoming appointment the following week where I was to see my son for the first time in years ... the therapist stated she wanted to discuss how to navigate the upcoming appointment and what needed to be addressed. But unfortunately as we can see this current appointment didn't go smoothly and instead created more upset.

​"I would like to ask that you not take notes." My ex started with saying as we took our seats and I pulled a notebook and pen from my black leather bag.

​"Yes, I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from taking notes." The therapist nodded toward me.

I paused, raised an eyebrow and spoke "You told me originally I could take notes." I reminded her.

​She nodded "I did. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't and don't write about these sessions." She told me referring to my blog.

​"I don't care if you agree with it or not, there's nothing wrong with me stating the truth." I replied.

​"The truth? But that's your perception." She told me with a smile.

​I cringed and spoke "In the blog post I wrote verbatim what was said in the session. If you don't believe me you can go back and check your notes to see that I did."

​She nodded "I checked and you did." She affirmed.

”So we've confirmed that I wasn't making anything up. So what’s the issue then?” I asked with irritation feeling I had just made my point. I had stated the truth in the post and she had just admitted it.

​"But the kids may read the blog and I don't know that that would be a very good thing for them." My ex interjected.

​"The kids may read it." I nodded, "You lied at trial and said that our daughter had read it. Then she tells the judge that she hadn't. You just want to control it." I pointed out to him.

The therapist waved her arms through the air as if to silently say enough with the bickering and that we were moving on.

"We've had concerns about mom's personal safety and I need you at the appointment with him to help manage him." The therapist informed my ex, referring to our teenage son who had Asperger's and a history of fits; physically and verbally acting out when angry. "Because he has said he may hurt her." She admitted, referring to our son.

"The goal here is for you to have a relationship and that requires you both making an effort." My ex informed me.

​"We've already affirmed that I do. That’s why I’m here. The ball is in his court." I replied, referring to our son.

​"I’d like us to step back a moment before we get started and state that there are things that could undermine this process and avoid that relationship coming together." He said, exchanging a pointed look with the therapist then turned to me, "If he reads one of your blogs would he want a relationship with you?" He asked.

​"It might help because he would see all the damage you've orchestrated to prevent our relationship." I replied.

​"I don't believe being negative toward dad is going to help your relationship with your son." The therapist remarked. It was obvious she and my ex had already put their heads together on how this session was going to go; what would be discussed. It could be argued that this therapy process appeared to be a series of appointments in building a case for court in the future against me. If so I was screwed. Again. Just once I'd like to not be screwed. Surely it was his turn at some point.... because quite frankly I was done with it being my perpetual turn.

​"His behavior IS negative." I replied, referring to my ex. "The story is being put out there. Maybe one day when our son is grown and out from his father's influence and he can think for himself he will see the truth. I'm not going to stop writing. " I retorted.

​"You're not listening to me." My ex said in a monotone seemingly calm to most at first glance but I knew from experience he was simmering with fury behind it. "If he reads it his opinion of you will be even lower than it already is." Ouch. What an asshole comment to me.

“His opinion of me is low because of you.” I told him with disgust. “It's in your best interests for me to shut it down." I added, referring to the blog.

​"Well, the thing about kids is when they hear or read about one parent who they don't see speaking or writing negatively about the other parent they tend to not believe it. If he reads it he may just see you as attacking his dad and trying to damage his dad and his reputation." The therapist explained.

​"He alienated him... hopefully one day our son will realize 'oh yes, my dad did brainwash me'." I told her, referring to the damaging alienation my ex had orchestrated toward me using our son since the divorce in 2012.

​She sighed and spoke "Well, your son is upset about the police being called. He thought there was another way to handle that. He's distressed at that and that's not on his dad." Her words were biting and blaming solely me. Her tone made it very clear that my calling the police in the winter of 2013 to help manage and calm my son during some of his previous fits of lashing out were not seen as conducive to a good parent-child relationship. Even though back then he was twelve at the time and was hitting, kicking, biting me and calling me obscenities along with destroying the house and I could not control him. The fits he had were two fold; he would beat you up and also destroy the house, literally picking up chairs, toy bins, lamps, framed photos, whatever he could get his angry hands on to toss and break purposefully. Prior to the divorce my ex had wrangled with him to get these fits to come to a stop (as well as the teachers at school occasionally) but once we had divorced (with me filing due to his cheating and abusive behaviors) I had found myself up a creek without a paddle so to speak; I didn't have any options than get beat up or as my son's counselor Mark Rhodes at the time had suggested to call the police if he was a threat to keep myself, my mom and my daughter safe. Rationally I knew Asperger's or not we cannot(!) coddle our children and enable them to lash out and hurt others; there were consequences to poor behavior, abusive behaviors and even though the court had been horrified to learn I had phoned the police on him at our trial back in August 2017 I stood by the decision; we cannot allow our children to grow up believing anything goes and abuse is okay. Now, present day I was being chastised once again for a decision I had made out of rationality and safety. It was just an incident for the court to use to make me the scapegoat in this process and put my ex on a pedestal as father of the decade despite them ignoring everything negative he’s done. I would ultimately call the police again if I was to go back through it again and send the message I wasn’t going to be a human punching bag. Too bad if he didn’t like it; take personal responsibility for physically lashing out at others. As an adult you won’t be patted on the head and soothed with placating words of “now please don’t do that again...” if you beat somebody up.

​"He's a lot older now so let's move on." I pointed out. I was sick and tired of hearing how traumatized and distressed he had been and was now milking it for everything he had; obviously having learned that tactic from his manipulative father. "He's using that, that the police being called from his dads influence to use that as a reason to not connect." I added. "We keep going back to that. We need to move on to how he and I are going to reconnect." I wanted to cut through the bullshit and get to a strategy of how we were going to make this reunification happen.

​My ex stared at me "Perhaps you need to get some therapy to move on yourself."

​"I've been to therapy and I'm done with therapy and I don't appreciate you continuing to paint that picture." I told him.

​"The whole family needs to be able to move forward. There is obviously no trust between you two." The therapist spoke, glancing back and forth between the two of us. No shit, I thought... I can’t believe she had the nerve to say that to me. I was being reprimanded and abused by the court all over again because she had been court appointed. This woman didn’t have a clue to all the years of hell this man had put me through. I didn’t trust him further than I could throw him.

​"He's a thief and a liar." I retorted hotly.

​"Hold on, don't call names. You cannot tell your son that." The therapist informed me sharply.

​No shit I can't tell him that. I practically rolled my eyes at her irritating way; she gave me an instant headache. I didn’t like her patronizing tone. “I'm not telling our son that. Our son admitted to his personal therapist Gina Galloway himself that his father is a liar. He should be able to figure that out for himself."

​"Okay... wow, that's really harsh!” She scolded me with a horrified expression and sat back in her chair as if to distance herself from me and what she perceived as my horrific personal perception not the truth.

​"I'm here to be a place for our son, that I'm here for. If he doesn't want that it makes me sad but I want to reconnect. I hope to have a relationship but I can't force him to." I explained.

​"You need to be neutral toward dad. Your tone of voice is harsh toward dad..." The therapist said, turning to me "I just feel you need to keep those feelings toward dad to yourself and not around your son when you see him"

​"I will." I nodded.

​"I don't believe dad's behavior has been willful or purposeful to gain your son's allegiance but naive." She told me. I wanted to scream and beat the table with a bat. My ass it wasn't willful or purposeful. Are you fucking kidding me right now??? I thought to myself. That sorry, sorry man has done everything he could willfully and purposefully to destroy everything meaningful to me. She was ignorant when it came to his true character based upon all his actions I'd endured and he was loving it.

​I sat there thinking how much shit I was having to eat. "I don't believe that, but I'm here to do the therapy with our son. You aren't going to convince me his dad is a good person. How is dad going to help with this process?" I asked.

​She nodded "We need to put the past behind us and move forward with your son. Your son needs to covey his feelings to you. That must have been scary for him."

​"Yes, I just didn't know how else to handle the situation." I told her, referring to the last day I called our son's grandmother to come pick him up because he had physically attacked me.

​She nodded "He is not going to take any personal responsibility because he is a kid. He expected YOU to know what to do." Her words were blaming and cutting like I was inept and a bad mother. I didn't appreciate her continued remarks. She continued by saying "I expect him to go after you. But you're here and love him." She added. It felt like she was enjoying this and hoping to goad him into going after me. The signs were on the wall that the next appointment wouldn't be good. "His perception is that you threw him away." She added.

​I was seeing red at her words and it took everything to keep from losing it on her "I'm NOT the wrong one here." I retorted.

{discussion begins about the next appointment date & time}

​"Can I help you in some way in the next appointment?" She asked me with a placating tone like I was some sort of unhinged loony toon. Fuck you, I thought to myself.

​I simmered "He needs to stay silent." I replied to her, gesturing toward my ex. "And I don't believe he will really keep our son from hitting me. He's telling you he will but I don't believe he will."

​"You're not a mind reader. Why are you saying that?" She asked with exasperation and my ex's expression was one of feigned hurt and shock. Oh please... I thought. "I'm concerned about us meeting and you keeping your feelings to yourself." She added toward me.

​"I can't believe he will help based on him using the children as a weapon." I stated.

​"But you've attacked him a lot in here." She replied in a sad tone filled with empathy for him. "He's trying to help your son. I want you to think on some positive memories for the next visit, come prepared with good memories to share with your son. Because it couldn't have been one hundred percent awful or you wouldn't have stayed so long." Her words came hurling at me and I thought what a bunch of bullshit. She was so full of shit. She was not acknowledging about the abuse and history I had with him or didn't believe it from when I had tried to tell her about it in previous one on one sessions. She clearly didn't see him as having manipulative traits. She clearly didn't know the signs of someone with his behavior. "We need to approach this all very matter of fact. Reconnection will be hard, and dad, he will probably take his anger with it out with you." She further explained and my ex nodded.

​"He already has." He replied.

​"You need support for that." She told him kindly. I rolled my eyes to the ceiling... Oh please. Was this bullshit for real??? I asked myself silently. I needed hip boots for this session.

​"I didn't know about reunification therapy years ago or I would have done it years ago." I pointed out.

​"But you didn't." She quipped quite flippantly in tone at me. "It's harder for it to work the longer you wait." She added.

​"That makes sense, I see that." I replied.

​"He's going to spew a lot of stuff, and after all that crappy stuff you'll still love him. He needs a chance to see that you come to the next session. " She told me. I really failed to see how her approach was going to be helpful... I questioned her abilities as a therapist period. Who encouraged a child to verbally let loose on their parent? No one I knew. It was another situation of being set up to fail and until then I was the punching bag. Again.

​I spoke, choosing my words carefully, "It doesn't mean anything when he says hurtful things to me..." I told her referring to my son "And by that I mean when he says them it's not really him saying them. It's really coming from my ex." I explained to her.

​"So you're not going to be a bitch?" My ex asked me.

​I turned to look at him "So that's what you're calling me. That's what you're calling me right now." I stated to him with disgust.

​He stared at me and spoke slowly "That's what you're acting like. I'm sitting here taking all this from her and all her lashing out and I don't have to be here." He said turning to the therapist, his tone becoming close to losing it and barely hiding chortled rage. "You can either stop it or I'll leave and you can deal with it." He snapped at me.

​"That's fine. That's your choice." I replied with a shrug, truly not caring.

​The therapist sighed and spoke to me, "Your anger needs to be dealt with. It doesn't help when you attack him." Then she added, "Can you two please act like adults and remember that this is a business relationship so we need to act like it." She reprimanded us yet looked solely at me. She didn't ever see him in the wrong based on her actions and reactions.

​"I can control myself for our son but not for him without him here." I replied gesturing to my ex.

​She looked at me sadly "But this is your son's father."

​I know... and I'm so sorry for that. You have no idea how sorry I am for that, I thought. If I'd only known what was coming, what he was and chosen someone decent and kind and good. "I don't know what you want from me!" I exclaimed toward her.

"I want you to not attack his dad." She told me with a scolding tone.

​"I hate him. He ruined my family. He used my kids to punish me." I told her.

​"That's done now. That's in the past." She told me as if nothing he's done matters and yet he keeps creating problems.

​"Oh, yeah it's done! It's done alright! No, it's NOT in the past because he keeps doing it! I don't need to be scolded and reprimanded regarding him!" I retorted to her hotly. She was there to do the reunification therapy NOT try to act as therapist between my ex and I. She wasn't even supposed to be speaking with him according to the court order from the trial in August. Yet she was. She was completely out of line and in contempt of court.

​"You have a lot of anger toward dad... I know it's stressful to be in the same room as him." She remarked to me.

​I spoke, "I get very upset. I don't like seeing him. Physically and psychologically it's not healthy for me to be around him. I have seen a therapist regarding him. I have a ton of anxiety anyway and it gets worse when I'm around him. I don't like any interaction with him because it upsets me."

​She took pause and regarded me a moment. I was physically shaking, my teeth were chattering like I was ice cold and yet the brightly lit conference room was warm. My anxiety was in full gear and I could tell a panic attack was imminent. She was a seasoned psychologist and should have been able to tell I was anxious and recognized that valid symptom and even despite my anger toward my ex that my anxiety was sky high. At times my anxiety presented as anger in some situations... in other circumstances it presented as withdrawing from everyone to cope.

​"To your credit you're here." She acknowledged. "Thank you for sharing with me that you're having anxiety... that makes sense and I see that." She nodded. "If there is anything I can do to help lessen that at the next appointment please let me know." She added.

***************************

​I stepped from the sidewalk and onto the parking lot, the setting sun sending rays of lovely welcoming light across the sky overhead. Crossing the lot to the man sitting in the vehicle parked beside my SUV, I saw him watching me. He rolled his drivers side window down and I walked up to him with a half smile... I was tired and emotionally spent but glad to see him. I had waited in the ladies room while my ex had exited the building after the appointment so I wouldn't have to interact with him or be stuck in the elevator with him. My ex had left ahead of me and was already long gone.

​"Hey..." I said to him and he gazed at me.

​"You okay?" He asked me with concern.

I nodded "Yeah..." I replied although I didn't feel like it as I was still shaking, "It went horribly. She doesn't see his behavior and alienation. Everything is my fault." I told him.

​He looked at me sadly but not surprised. "Well... he came out here and went to leave.... he was parked a couple spaces over from you..." He said referring to my ex, "He opened his drivers side door but just stood there staring at your SUV... just staring at it like he was thinking about doing something to it... then he acted like he was about to move toward it .... I was about to start recording him for you to have a police report and then I was going to confront him when I guess he thought better of it and instead got in his SUV and drove off."

​"I'm not surprised he looked like he was thinking about doing something." I remarked, then gave him a grateful look, "Thank you for being here and watching out for me. I really appreciate it. It means a lot." I told him.


**************************

​If you've been a long time reader of my writing and are familiar with this situation and family law case you can see how everything you do when in this type of situation is used against you. You are angry. You have a right to be. And they use it against you. There is too much loss, hurt and emotion to be a robot and operate without a reaction; to just be a drone and nod and agree to everything they say to you. These are your children after all that you’ve lost... and on top of that your character is attacked. You are emotionally chipped away at a little bit each time these scenarios play out. And if you're one of the people; man or woman who has endured this insanity for years on end probably much of what transpired during this therapy session you can sadly relate to and recognize as the same crazy making you've dealt with via your ex... along with your children. And that is what's sad... is that we go through all this bullshit and then are treated just like criminals by the court, the therapists, the ad litem's, etc, when we have been subjected to countless losses by our ex. My losses have been great... some I've not even written about yet... those are for another post, another time... but in the meantime here we are... and stating once again that with a manipulator we will not be able to think several steps ahead... our minds as empaths don't work that way... personality disordered folks are able to think strategically and without emotion... they wear their mask well and yet we sit there a pile of tears, anger and heartache.

This post if anything will show that yes, others are going through this too... and yes, if you are; I understand and get it. No one should be subjected to these behaviors that are not helpful but actually very traumatizing and hard on us that have already been through emotional abuse by our exes. Man or woman you don’t deserve to continue to be a punching bag by anyone in these situations... where “therapy” appears to be more comparable to a psychological hell and berating for no reason. “Therapy” that does not appear to be therapeutic but that’s actually non productive, harrowing and even helpful to the abuser to further build a case against you for court and aided by the therapist. Denying the truth of the situation to be released publicly, being denied the ability to take notes and no transparency taking place leads to these sessions being kept hidden and swept under the table and stigmas continuing regarding these situations leading those who have been targets of their ex to fall into further despair. So when you’re in the pit I’m there with you... holding your hand... I know what this hell is like... I know the feelings of outrage and horror that no one sees the truth who needs to. I’m standing there beside you, dear warrior... beside you in encouraging words or comforting silence... I’m there... and I may not have all the answers but I do have understanding... and often as we learn through the misery of this... understanding is very often priceless.

www.gracepowerstrength.com
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