names have been changed and or omitted in this post
"So I'm at work and sitting in the employee cafeteria with a co-worker having lunch. She has her back to the window that looks out into the hallway but I'm facing it. We're chatting and I'm eating lasagna. I glance up because I see someone through the window stop in the hallway and point toward me like 'Oh, found her'... " I explained and taking a bite of my quesadilla paused "So I'm like all confused looking up at him with this puzzled look like 'why is he pointing at me? Am I in trouble? What did I do?' "
He nods and laughs prompting me to continue.
"Then the door opens and two more managers are standing there laughing because apparently they've been looking for me and of course found me where else... eating!" I giggled.
He roared with laughter and threw his head back appreciatively "I would imagine they are wondering how you are always eating! They probably think you have a tapeworm!"
I laughed "Well... it was my lunch time but I'm hungry! I can't help that I'm hungry all the time!" I smiled.
He laughed and shook his head "Don't worry about it... they obviously have a sense of humor... I think it's hilarious."
"Some people keep files in their desk. I keep treats. You never know when you might need a snack." I grinned.
"How was your birthday?" He asked with a smile.
"It was good.... my mom took us all out to lunch. It was really sweet of her. My sister had cookies delivered at work for me." I grinned.
He studied me intently "But no guy?" He asked with twinkling eyes.
I shrugged my shoulders "Nah... no guy. I'm on the dating sites but not using them much... I missed a couple possible connections because I'm busy... I’m married to work right now.” I trailed off as I picked at my pico de gallo with a fork “I have a very specific type and if he doesn't match it I'm not attracted to them." I murmured.
He laughed "Oh, I know! " He emphasized with exaggeration and teasing. Yet I knew deep down he likely still felt the sting. I somewhat internally winced. Ugh. We had been down this road before... all I wanted was friendship... he had wanted more.
"I think I scare men." I smiled.
"Hah!" He chuckled "What are they? Scared of a great woman?" He asked.
"Probably my ex and all his psycho court drama." I replied "Or maybe they're afraid of being written about... go on a date at your own risk.” I grinned.
"Well, then they aren't for you." He pointed out... "A guy that really cares about you isn't going to be scared off by him. In fact, he'll protect you all he can."
We sat in semi awkward silence until he broke it "How's the blog these days?" He asked curiously steering the conversation to a new subject.
"Good. Eventually I'm going to hang up the blog. Then write my book and finish it with however all this craziness ends in a few years. Get it published." I told him... "Plus, I want to branch out. Maybe write a book of love poetry or something."
"You should." He affirmed with encouragement "Speaking of him.... how is he?" He asked referring to my ex.
I took a sip of my ice water and grimaced “Well, burnt really. Apparently he had an issue starting the gas grill a couple weeks ago and caught fire... “ I shook my head and clicked my tongue with a tsk tsk sound “He was all wrapped up like a mummy my daughter said. She said his wife did nothing while he danced around all lit up like a bonfire.”
He stared at me “You’re kidding, right?” He demanded.
I shook my head and grinned “I couldn’t make this poo up. It’s for real. Oh heck, it’s something new every week. Apparently he and his wife Georgina took the kids to Tennessee for Thanksgiving. My daughter said they fought during the whole trip and made it miserable. Guess it was like a wagon on a bumpy road...” I grimaced.
“Man... “ He shook his head and threw back the last gulp of his iced tea and chewed on some ice.
“He told our daughter to stop sharing what goes on at his house. I found that interesting... what does he have to hide?” I murmured.
A narcissist will go to any length to make his or her new relationship work... or more accurately APPEAR to work. The truth is... the new relationship usually has a quicker demise behind closed doors than the relationship they had with you. They are now dealing with the added stress of a blended family which is no easy task on a couple, even a healthy one... probably why the divorce rate is high amongst second marriages... the couple could maybe survive even thrive sans children but throw in the blended kids, conflicting parenting in divided loyalties that are often at play creating issues and you have a receipt for disaster.
The individual who is personality disordered wants to hide a lot... wants to hide what their next move is through the family court system in the seemingly never ending custody battles.... wants to hide their cheating on their new spouse, wants to hide their money troubles, wants to hide their less than stellar parenting, their generally sketchy behaviors and yes, even any issues cropping up in their new marriage. They want you to believe that everything is seamlessly flawless in their new life they've taken up and you are now as discarded and forgotten as last years dirty rotting newspaper. They try so hard to hide any flaws and blemishes and when your child finally goes to their grandmother and says "Daddy and Georgina are fighting all the time..." your child is met with a reply of "All married people fight sometimes. It's normal." You bristle because you don't want your child to believe for a second any of this nonsensical new way of life is "normal" and find your ex mother in law to be at best an enabler but know deep down beneath the surface she's much more toxic than that.
Being married to a narc and divorcing them is much like being strapped to a chair watching a movie that keeps twisting and turning... you know your situation is not going well but you keep going... pumped on adrenaline and fear and yes, even hope thank you Jesus. You keep getting thrown boomerangs like in a carnival show and shudder as the orchestrator of the chaos keeps throwing them as you attempt to catch them one by one... failing miserable and feeling nothing but internal panic that at times shows itself as an almost comical expression on your face because you’re waffling between the urge to scream and cry simultaneously. All the while wondering if you’re really the bad person this person says you are... who swore at one time to have loved you that is now stating you to be pure utter misery they've cut themselves free from. It’s like viewing the movie Gone Girl for the first time and feeling your jaw hit the floor in complete shock watching it all unravel... shock that anyone could behave that way. As you attempt to come to terms with how nonchalant and destructive Nick acts you must later wrestle with how Amy behaves. As you initially watch it you empathize with Amy... if you’ve been pooed on like she's been you don’t blame her one bit as she drives away in her little white car... likely you’re cheering her on. You’re in it with her, in it for Nick to pay and pay bigtime... you sit there on the edge of your seat marveling at the balls she has and how she makes it all appear so easy. Then later you sit in horror as she kills the guy she merely used to help her out and then after all that actually goes back to Nick. If it had ended how we wanted she'd have never lost her money and instead lived happily ever after successfully hidden from the world with a whole new identity and sorry cheating Nick would have been thrown in the clinker for her supposed murder. But that's when the ending is disappointing and we are left wondering what the heck happened for everything to have gone so darn wrong.
We undoubtedly don't want to be left scratching our heads at the end of our story wondering what the hell happened... we know a narc will never give up. We may at times hope and pray our kids hurry up and turn eighteen so we can semi escape this hell already and in that same prayer mid-way feel guilty for wanting to fast forward our child's life, namely childhood because it's just not right. None of what has happened to you or them should have happened... when we meet someone we have no idea that they are hiding who they truly are. We have no idea they are secretly laughing at how gullible and naïve we are to believe those three little words of "I love you" they whisper in our ear. We have no idea that the relationship we are about to enter is going to be oh so temporary like those tiny tattoos that children apply at school carnivals and wash off the next day. We have no idea that when we say "I do" a narc is really silently saying "I don't". We have no clue that the family court system is so corrupt and inept in handling parental alienation cases and suddenly our world is now bombarded with all these new terms like "sociopath", "ad litem", "love-bombing", "post traumatic stress disorder" and more. We never could have imagined ten years ago we would be where we are standing right now... it almost feels surreal and like we need to be pinched awake.
Narcs hold many secrets in their world they live in... we uncover them slowly through this challenging and often dark process of divorce and personal recovery often all the while still being a steady source of support for our children or trying to fight for them in the ongoing custody battle process. I can tell you several things I have learned in this process that are no secret once you've been doing this awhile. First and foremost, take care of yourself. You cannot expect to have the clarity and energy to make it if you're not practicing basic self care. Two, don't give up. It's easy to want to throw in the towel but remain determined to have a good relationship with your child. Just because it's severed right now doesn't mean that it's for forever... it may take time but it's worth the wait. Three, this kind of ties back into one... we all know that sleep, eating right and exercise is important but we can take it one step further with continued healing... finding joy again. Try dabbling in some of your old hobbies or try new ones... journal or start a blog about your experiences... find time for friends and laughter; some of my most important healing that has happened and my combating depression has been found in laughing with friends... those moments and the structure of a job to get up and go to everyday will help keep you on track when everything else seems to be falling apart. Four, don't let yourself feel like you have to be on anyone's timeline but your own.... you don't have to hurry up and meet someone new, you don't have to meet what's their name that a co-worker set you up with, you don't have to sign up for a dating site unless you totally feel okay with it. You can be on one and just peek at it every six months. You don't have to do anything that doesn't sit well with you or doesn't feel to be the right time. It's no secret that getting divorced is like jumping off a cliff.... and hoping to land on your feet... this couldn't be truer with divorcing a narcissistic sociopath.... but along your way you're going to meet some new people... some amazing new folks who will open your eyes to the goodness in people again... you're going to meet those that completely uproot your world in a good way, cast away your cynicism and that make you believe you are truly blessed despite standing in the eye of the storm... that is true grace, power and strength.
names have been omitted in this post
this post contains language
Wind swept through the open sunroof overhead but my bun atop my head was left unruffled, held together by bobby pins. Wearing oversized Jackie O style sunglasses, slim black slacks, a gray pullover and light leather jacket I marveled at how pretty the weather was. The day had started out cold but sunny and as it had progressed the sunshine had warmed everything up. I navigated traffic by the local high school that was vacant and quiet due to it being Thanksgiving weekend and students being out. Pulling into the hilly parking lot I made my way over to Cost Plus World Market. Being off work and enjoying the afternoon I didn't need a thing but planned to browse and if they had any purchase some extra skewers for toasting marshmallows in a fire pit. When I'd been married I had always wanted to spend fall and winter evenings toasting marshmallows and making smore's surrounded by loved ones, music playing and making memories. But that had never come to fruition.... my ex had always vetoed that and shut down the possibility of it happening.
After exiting Cost Plus World Market adorned with all the Christmas sparkle and shine I began my drive toward home... with one last stop to pick up some milk. As I drove with the stereo playing "It Ain't My Fault" by Brothers Osborne I vaguely heard my cell phone make a ping sound in the background. Slowing to a red light ahead I picked up the phone and looked at the screen. It had one sentence. One simple sentence that would deliver instant anger from me.
"You got a thick manila envelope." It stated.
My mother was letting me know that my ex had once again sent something. Some new sack of shit had arrived. I tossed the phone back into the cup holder and pressed the gas at green to go. Once home I walked in and set my shopping bags and Italian leather clutch down "Okay... where is it" I asked, "What the hell does he want now?"
My mother gestured to the dark kitchen bar countertop and I strode over to it taking a pair of scissors to slice one end of it open. Once I retrieved the stack of papers I headed to the couch to begin reading. I skimmed the pages quickly first and then began reading closer from front to back.
"So basically it's the new ruling by the judge that she drew up after trial.... outlining the reunification therapy for my son and I and some of our old decree regarding holiday and birthday child possession. Then a bunch of new crap thrown in as well. They are asking that my entire estate if I was to die while the children are minors go to him to manage if I’m reading this correctly... to cover child support. What does he think he’d get? You can’t squeeze anything out of a turnip." I told her. "And like that would ever happen if I had anything to do with it." I sneered. "It's also stating that he wants the right to leave Tarrant County if he so chooses. What’s he about to do? Have me knocked off and then leave town? I don’t trust him further than I could throw him.”
"What the heck?" She replied "It's not even worth the paper it's on." She retorted.
"I can't believe a tree was wasted for this." I said with astonishment and tossed the packet onto the coffee table like the smut it was. "I have to come up with my reasons I don't agree and send it in before the judge signs off on it. I have ten days. I'd like to put a big ‘F YOU’ on it in black marker and send it back." I snapped. "I'd like him to leave me the hell alone."
"Could he?!" My mother snapped back.
"It's so unbelievable to me... five years. We've been divorced FIVE years. And he never stops filing shit. He just keeps on doing this... for God's sake leave it alone. Go the hell away. " I told her. "It's like having a mosquito that keeps coming back at you... and you can't ever smash it."
"No... no that's not it. It's more like a pustule that's red, angry, painful and oozing...that you can't ignore." She replied with disgust.
"On your ass?" I asked.
"No, on your face... where everyone can see it and see what it's doing.... but you can't do anything to fix the freaking problem." She retorted.
"Yep. Yeah, that's it.” I replied
YOU CAN'T HIDE. YOU CAN'T RUN. YOU CAN'T GET AWAY. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM STOP.
AND THE WORST THING ABOUT IT ALL IS EVERYTHING THEY DO TO TERRORIZE YOU IS COMPLETELY LEGAL; AIDED BY A FAMILY COURT SYSTEM THAT IS HAPPY TO ENABLE YOUR EX'S AGGRESSIVE AND OVER THE TOP TACTICS TO GAIN POWER OVER YOU. YOU CAN'T STOP THEM. YOU CAN'T HIDE IN A CLOSET LIKE A CHILD. YOU CAN'T DON A MASK AND BECOME INVISIBLE. YOU CAN'T WIGGLE YOUR NOSE OR CLICK YOUR HEELS TO FIX IT. YOU CAN'T CONTINUE TO HIRE ATTORNEYS BECAUSE THEY BLEED YOUR WALLET DRY AND MAKE IT ALL WORSE ANYWAY. YOU CAN'T JUST SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING. YOU COULD LEAVE AND GO TO A COUNTRY WITH NO EXTRADITION BUT THEY'D FIND YOU. YOU'D RISK ALL SORTS OF RAMIFICATIONS WITH THE LAW IF YOU WERE EVER CAUGHT BY DISAPPEARING BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE SEARCHING FOR YOU WITHOUT COSTS INCURRED. AND THE TRUTH IS A SOCIOPATH WON'T JUST GIVE UP. THEY WILL TRACK YOU DOWN ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE THE FINANCIAL MEANS TO TERRORIZE YOU MORE. BASICALLY YOU'RE SCREWED AND FORCED TO PLAY THEIR SICK AND NEVERENDING GAME. YOU SIT THERE, A GOOD PERSON AND BLINK IN BEWILDERMENT THAT SOMEONE SO EVIL, SO RUTHLESS, SO HELL BENT ON CAUSING CONTINUAL CHAOS AND GRIEF CONTINUES TO GET AWAY WITH IT. THEY CONTINUE TO POUR SALT ON AN ALREADY OPEN WOUND AND YOU WONDER WHY THE HECK NOTHING EVER TOUCHES THEM. WHILE MONSTERS LIKE THIS ROAM FREE SOME INNOCENT KID ON A STREET CORNER GETS SHOT. YOU WONDER WHY SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING AND ASSHOLES LIKE THIS CONTINUE TO SKIP AND DANCE THEIR WAY EVER SO SLOWLY TO HELL. YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND SOMETHING SO MIND BOGGLING. THAT PEOPLE OUT THERE BEHAVE THIS WAY AND THINK IT'S PERFECTLY FINE AND CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP AT NIGHT WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD. IT'S MERELY SPORT AND YOU'RE THE GAME THEY DON'T WANT TO QUIT.
You walk along chained to the heartless Tin Man and you, Dorothy are trying to find a Savior in a land of Oz. Someone who will help and yet no one can or will. I can tell you that a narcissistic sociopath will go to any lengths whatsoever they must go to in destroying you. They will spend any amount of money they can get their hands on, lie on the stand as my ex did at trial and become so obsessed with ruining you both emotionally and financially that it's unbelievable to most folks. They cannot fathom it and neither can you. As one of my friends recently said "He's a monster. I don't understand why he hates you and keeps trying to ruin your life."
A NARC DOES WHAT THEY WANT TO CAUSE CHAOS
AND IT'S NEVER THEIR FAULT.
THAT'S THEIR FAVORITE TUNE THEY LIVE TO.
She's as baffled as most are.... he has supporters and yet that's also what he counts on... people that automatically take what he twists and spins to make it appear as though I’m the issue and his bloody hands are clean.
“He couldn’t even wait to send something till after the holidays were over. It’s so unbelievable.” My mother shook her head.
People who continue to show who they are through their actions... don’t doubt what those actions show. They believe they are entitled to treat you poorly. They laugh while you run around stressed and panicked trying to figure it all out and what to do because it’s all fun to them. The next target has no idea she’s signed on with the devil himself. She needs to be in fear. She needs to be making an exit plan. She needs to be watching her back. Because her turn is coming. And who she thought was the greatest person ever will slowly surely turn on her and reveal who he really is.
When he’s leering at other women and she’s not taking it seriously. When he’s espousing frustration and hidden pent up rage and snapping “Will you just LET me?!!” at her because she just wants to voice an opinion or give a helping hand. When he’s driving like a bat out of hell because he’s mad and she sits there in pained silence afraid to address it. When they bicker and fight because he's cheating again and you know he is because you've caught him doing so. When she begins relying on her girlfriends as a sounding board about him because he’s being a jerk again... it will happen... little by little.
Along with the tiny bursts of good to make her fleetingly think it’s all wonderful again... until one day she will look up and realize she’s sitting, sinking in a dark dirty ugly pit of a mess... and when she looks up there he will be shoving her down further when she reaches out to him for help. She will learn that the one who she relies on in life will one day be very happy for her to lose everything ***HE***gave her... because in his mind it wasn’t for forever... it was merely temporary.
names have been omitted or changed in this post
It was a crisp November day... pumpkins adorned porches, fall wreaths graced doors and I was excited about making homemade cornbread dressing in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. I sat at the red light waiting for it to turn green... traffic was clogged and every main thoroughfare seemed to be chronically backed up in this town. The influx of people moving here had caused a huge spurt of over-population and the roads weren't able to support it.
"When the light turns green this person better go..." I murmured referring to the burgundy four door sedan in front of me. The light turned to green and the person sat there not moving. I sighed. For the love of God.... I glanced in my side mirror for traffic to my right. I had to wait for two approaching cars and then it would be clear.
"Where is this person going?" My mother asked quizzically as we began to finally move at a snails pace.
"The funeral home if they don't move." I replied with a grimace. "We're all going to get rear ended if they don't move along. This is how wrecks happen." I added as I switched lanes and made my way around them. "I wonder if there have been any studies done on people who have been through trauma and have a heightened reflex reaction. Because there are a lot of folks who drive like they've never had a fuse ignited under them.They act like they have all day to go.." I pointed out. Efficiency was keeping it moving and getting as many people through the light as possible.
"Yeah, I go through it every day. The traffic has become almost unbearable here." She remarked resignedly.
I adjusted the volume on the radio lowering it and as we passed over the bridge that loomed over the railroad yard she spoke "So did she tell you what the latest is with him?" My mother asked referring to my daughter and her dad; my ex.
I eased on the brake and slowed to the next red light, coming to a stop behind a black SUV. "No." I told her. I didn't ask my daughter much anymore... instead keeping my questions to mostly just school and her friends. The family court was a such a barrage of contradictions and traps to deal with. If you told the court you never asked your child how things were at their other parents home you could be pegged as an issue by not being open to hearing about their other parent. Yet if you asked your child how things were going at the other parents home you could be pegged as nosy and seeking information and an issue. If your child tried to tell you something about their parent and you waved it away with "I don't want to hear about it" you could be pegged as alienating. If you simply told them to "go write it down" and journal whatever they were dealing with so as to seemingly keep you out of it (as I'd done previously) you could be pegged as coaching them when you weren't. Like maneuvering the traffic ; life post-divorce with a narc was a landmine of sorts to navigate and deal with. It really didn't matter what you did, what you said or didn't.... I could guarantee you the narc, others and the family court system would manage to find some way to make you out to be the problem. It was the way of backward people and the system.
"He and Georgina are going on a cruise for their honeymoon." She informed me referring to my ex and his new wife as of July of last year.
"Oh." I replied. Some people loved cruises. I'd never been on one and hadn't really felt like I'd missed anything. It was kinda like Disneyland or Disneyworld. It wasn't something on my must do list. If I was going to travel I wanted to go see something amazing like Norway or Spain.
"Guess when they are going." My mother replied with an odd tone to her voice.
I sat there waiting for the light sensing her odd tone "Let me guess... "I said "November sixth. What would have been our wedding anniversary." Ding, ding, ding... I had guessed accurately. Intuition-win once again.
"Yep. Can you believe that? I wonder if Georgina knows that." She surmised aloud.
I smiled with utter amusement "Is this for real? That's hilarious. Is this supposed to hurt me? I laughed "Because it doesn't. I mean, the date means nothing.... the marriage was a joke and a nightmare. He can have it. They got married in July of last year and are going on a belated honeymoon in November." I eased on the gas when the light turned green. Thankfully the person in front of me knew their colors and hit the gas. They'd paid attention in kindergarten.
"I know... I thought it was funny as well." My mother smiled "Jamaica is one of the stops.... I don't remember where else she said they are going." She replied.
"You should do a survey before you get married to check for travel destination compatibility." I giggled.
My mother laughed and spoke "Yeah, that would help. She also said that she had to get up and leave the house at four thirty one morning before school and ride along so they could take Georgina to the airport. "
I frowned at that as I made my way toward our destination "Why were they going to the airport so early?" I asked.
"Because apparently Georgina says all the hair salons in Dallas and Fort Worth are not good and she found out the hair salon that she goes to in the UK has a location in LA so she flew out there for a hair appointment." My mother told me.
"What? Are you kidding? Can we say entitled?" I remarked "She needs to come down to earth. This two horse town certainly doesn't require an LA hair salon trip. This is all so ridiculous." I shook my head. "I guess that's where the eight hundred dollars a month child support went I was getting for our daughter that the court did away with." I added.
"Yeah, I know. So they drive her to the airport for her to fly out there for her hair appointment and then later have to go get her... she ended up not going to bed until eleven thirty that night because of Georgina's hair." My mother added referring to my daughter. "Isn't that ridiculous? How is that in her best interest? It was on a school night. And then we wonder why she's so sleep deprived when she comes back over to your house. Then come to find out her school lunch that day was a banana, popcorn and cheese sticks."
I pulled into the parking lot at Central Market and began slowly making my way up and down aisles looking for a space. I loved getting something to eat and relaxing on the patio when they had a band playing. I especially loved their pizza. From afar it appeared they had a beautiful fall display of pumpkins outside the store for the fall season. I couldn't wait to decorate pumpkins with my daughter this year.
"That's not a proper school lunch. Where's the protein? Where's the sandwich? His home is not in her best interest at all.... it's not child friendly. That's the thing... it's all about the adults and what they want." I said.
It appeared that ever since our divorce (and before that) everything had been about what he wanted. Not what mattered in terms of children and family. During our marriage, during our divorce and even post divorce when most people would be concentrating on the well being of their children and self recovery he was dating. While he was screwing around and meeting women in bars, traveling with various women while pawning the children off on his mother to watch, I was busy tending to their feelings, their worries, their stresses that he caused them by having so many new women revolving in and out of their young lives. Someone had to be the stable one, the one who held a steady foundation for them... and I certainly didn't mind as I knew it was what was best for them.
Someone who is personality disordered is an inherently selfish individual. Ultimately they care about their own needs and not others... not even their own children's. A narcissistic wife may spend all the disposable income on herself versus the family's needs and wants. A narcissistic husband may make undesirable and even downright grotesque requests of his wife like ungodly sexual acts, berating her appearance and treating her as an object not a human being with feelings and emotional needs; to be loved and made to feel safe.
Whether you were married to a narcissistic man or woman the results are often the same in the aftermath... you are wrestling and grappling with the horrifying and undeniable reality of the fact that the person you thought you married is not capable of love nor did they ever love you. Navigating an emotional landmine may involve wading through the fallout of what we believed previously and now replacing those thoughts with new as we grow and gain perspective. For quite some time we may deal with rambling thoughts and questions that come from a place of uncertainty and lack of clear conciseness of who we really are. Meaning we think thoughts that are not grounded in reality but instead that pull thoughts from a place that leave us not rooted in truth... meaning that we may temporarily think because we weren't loved therefore we aren't lovable. We may think because we were seen as not worth being loyal to by them that were are not worthy of loyalty ever. We may begin to go down a dark and wretched path of thinking; doubting we can ever be appreciated for our good qualities again.
When in reality as you leave behind your old life and embark on your new one there will be so many good people who cross your path and remind you of that girl (or guy) you were before you ever met what's their name again(?) and yet now the real clincher to all of this is you are so much better than you ever were back then... because now in the moment of walking out of the storm and leaving the rain clouds behind with all the destruction you see a remarkably strong and resilient individual... someone who has lived and not only survived but even thrived despite the obstacle of a person hell bent on making your life miserable. You will go from questioning who on earth will ever want to commit to a lifetime of loving you to knowing it's possible; it's just a matter of finding the right person. You will go from believing everyone is a potential sociopath to seeing the genuine good in others and realizing that you attracted a monster to marry because there are so many beautiful qualities in you not due to something being wrong with you.
You will go from worrying about the what if's of finding the right person to enjoying the time you have left for yourself and embracing singleness... knowing the right person will show up when the time is right. You will go from holding all those doubts that anyone would ever sign up for much needed patience with you after what you've been through to knowing that someone who isn't is not the right person for you. You will go from believing that love once again isn't possible to knowing with all your heart it is... because with your eyes wide open now you realize love didn't ever hurt you. What hurt you wasn't love... it was someone with the inability to.