names have been omitted or changed in this post
My daughter and I exchanged our I love you's and goodbyes and then I ended the FaceTime call. I walked into the den where my mother was seated on the taupe couch watching Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines on HGTV.
"Oh, I love this show…"I told her, curling up on the couch and reaching for my favorite mug to take a sip of cranberry juice. "Joanna is so talented… everything she does turns out beautifully."
My mother agreed and grinned at me "And he knows how to fix stuff."
"I know, and they are so down to earth." I smiled.
"So how was your phone call? How is she doing?" She asked me, referring to my daughter who was about to end her week at her dad's and return to me.
"It was good… she seemed okay."I told her. "She said he asked Georgina to marry him on Valentine's Day. She said yes." I told my mother referring to my ex and his girlfriend who traveled back and forth from London and the states.
She looked at me. "Well, I'm not surprised. We kinda figured it was coming. Good. Maybe it will keep him busy. But it won't last." She told me.
I nodded. "I know, my thoughts exactly. I know it won't as well. We really haven't been divorced that long considering the length of our marriage and there he goes jumping into another one ready to make the same mistakes. He has to have someone so badly. It's unreal. Can't be on his own for five minutes. And I question her decision making. She's leaving her own young daughter back in London to come over here and marry him… flying back and forth to see her child… who does that? They don't have single eligible men in London?" I questioned.
My mother shook her head with a grimace. "I agree. It's a ridiculous set up. Eventually it will all fall apart. " She remarked.
"I was actually thinking about picking up a cake and bottle of wine… I'm just so glad it's not me marrying him… can I get an AMEN? That's reason enough to celebrate." I smiled.
When the ex narcissistic sociopath re-marries it's typically quick; on the speedy heels of their divorce. It has to be… because supply is dwindling fast and needs to be replaced(!)… when they became separated or their divorce was finalized their ego took a hard hit… let's face it, their ego hit the floor like a busted watermelon splitting into a million pieces and they had to find a way to pick themselves back up and look good in the mirror and world once again.
When we think about it, it's so bizarre that a narcissistic sociopath wants to rush into marriage… that they hurry to tie down the next one and make it legal… because in reality they suck at marriage. They don't really want a loving, healthy marriage where two people come together to share their love for one another, their feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. Instead it's about a one sided selfish agenda of:
How does this person make me look?
How does this person enhance my likability?
How does this person boost my image to the outside world?
Is he or she attractive, wealthy, smart, talented, educated, etc?
And that's what is so mind boggling… again, they suck at marriage because first, it's really all about them and secondly, there's this new person they've suckered into loving them. All the while they plan to screw them over in various ways… by cheating, manipulating, stone-walling, gas-lighting, etc.
It's all about them.
You Are Bought Like Cattle…
The narcissistic sociopath views marriage as a business deal… you are purchased after he has deemed you worthy of supply for the short term (because longterm doesn't exist with a personality disordered individual; eventually he will grow bored, you will age or begin to rebel as you realize the manipulation you have endured, gaining strength to finally leave). Realizing you deserve better, you take the first step to disentangle yourself from the narc while he's off hunting for the next supply or already enmeshed with one or even several; juggling them like pearls trying to choose the best one, the one that will bring the best return on his "investment".
That's why when someone who has been with a narcissistic sociopath begins to dip their toes into the dating pool again they are highly suspicious of anyone trying to get close too quickly… the one who begins voicing admiration and affection (love-bombing) for us makes us uncomfortable at best… maybe even nervous and downright panicked… looking for an exit to flee to, we may hurriedly put the brakes on any romantic relationship beginning to bud. Even if we are feeling a connection and see potential in a relationship everything in us screams that we are about to be trapped like an unsuspecting ladybug and that at any moment we could be indefinitely detained from flying away. Some might say that's paranoia talking, some might say we need to relax, some might say we will never find love if we keep flying away… but someone who has good intentions realizes that forming a friendship first and foremost is vital and any romantic aspect can wait… that true love is slow to form and not instantaneous or rushed.
We just want real love.
We won't settle for anything less.
The narcissistic sociopath may say sweet things, may do nice things, may seemingly love you with all his or her (empty) little heart… but it's all a facade… it's what's required to get the job done… like a business deal when you marry them you sign a contract to assist them, to cater to them, to help them feel good about themselves… and then one day you get your pink slip and are sent packing… you're dismissed(!) sent on your way back out into the wild…
But it's ironic… because out there you fight tooth and nail to stand on your own again and you do just that… with fists of determination you channel your inner Scarlett O'Hara; you rise, you stand tall and strong and curl your lip with satisfaction that you made it… maybe you're a wee bruised, maybe you're a little tired, maybe you're a bit jaded… but bit by bit you overcame and are just so grateful… so very incredibly thankful when you hear they are re-marrying that it's not you signing up for the orchestrator of chaos… because you've lived that crazy channel and there's nothing new to watch.
It's the same show.
every. darn. time.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016
When our eyes are opened to God's goodness, to His kindness poured out to us despite all of our ugly wretched sin… when that day comes and we realize the enormity of His love… we are overwhelmed. We are thankful, oh so incredibly humbly grateful for Him and the mercy he has shown us. We realize looking back at all of our ugly sins…. our gossip, our hate, our filthy tongues, our poor choices stemming from selfishness that we are still here. God has not called us to him and stood us before him at the throne to answer for our unrighteousness.
CHANCE AFTER CHANCE GIVEN….
Instead we have continually received his kindness and chances…. yes, chance after chance after merciful chance to change our ways. Chance after chance to turn from our sins that we commit like adultery, pre-martial sex, materialism, financial greed, abuse, abortion, etc. We are merrily living our life either oblivious to God's continual love and chances given to us or we hear him but choose to ignore. "Tomorrow…" we may tell ourselves, "I'll turn from this sin tomorrow and repent." But then tomorrow comes. And the next day. And the next. Turning from disobedience and repenting never comes. Sadly, one day it will be too late.
Ezekiel 18:21-23 ESV
“But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live. Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?
Not one person is good enough to enter Heaven and although it's the typical human nature of us all to compare ourselves and our sins to Johnny or Susie's next door much like ego-fuled kindergartners on the playground… we are all sinners. Some of us will go to Heaven. Some of us will go to Hell. So what's the difference? Some care and some don't. Some admit they need a Savior and some won't.
The Christian who knows they have committed atrocious acts in their life will see the light and go to God… admitting their ugliness… and their unfitness for Heaven. They will admit they aren't good enough and never can be… that they need God and Christ as their Savior. They will recognize their sins and repent, asking Him for mercy and forgiveness. They will turn from the sins they have committed and if they are struggling with the same sins over and over again… whether it be sex outside of marriage or cussing they will admit these struggles to Him and ask for help. We all fall short of God's glory and when we discard the haughty attitude that we are above seeking him we will repent.
THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH…
But not so with the narcissistic sociopath. Can we really expect to go through lifepurposely living sin after sin of transgressions and superiorly quipping: "I believe in God so I'm saved! I'm going to Heaven!" That appears to be the narcissistic sociopaths mindset. They don't seem to realize that even the devil believes in God.
They are in for a rude awakening.
We can't use God's sweet grace, mercy and kindness as a free ticket to just sin our pants off… that's not the way it works. Yes, it's true the devil tries his hardest to entice us, to set us up to sin… first he whispers in our ear: "Oh, come on, it's just alittle sin", then after the fact he screams with shame: "You can't be forgiven for thatHUGE sin! WHAT A MESS YOU ARE! God won't forgive you! He doesn't love you that much! You're toast! You might as well throw in the towel and keep sinning!" As Christians we feel terror in our hearts, we feel convicted, a "What have I done?!?" and immediately flee to God in sorrow, embarrassment and repentance.
1 John 1:19 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins
and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Acts 3:19 ESV
Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out,
But in the narcissistic sociopaths mind sin is totally permissible… they figure Christ died for their sins…. done! They believe they are free to parade around like immoral animals without consequence. They adhere to the worldly philosophy of "YOLO… or You Only Live Once" and one of their favorite phrases which is: "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission." What they fail to realize is the bible outlines very clearly what they shouldn't be doing… the very idea of "permission" is null and void… God sees their actions as blatant disobedience in what he deems holy and best for us.
We may sit back and wonder why the narcissistic sociopath seems to go through life without issues… that they seem to sail through life without any bumps or bruises… no earthly consequences to their bad behavior, right? We often hear that saying "The good die young". But the truth is… the individual who is narcissistic is on borrowed time. They just won't see it or admit it. They don't realize nor want to admit that God has continually doled out chance after loving chance to them to change their ways… that when they finally stand before him they won't have any excuse as to why they haven't mended their ways and accepted his long waiting patience toward them.
2 Peter 3:9 ESV
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
He has withheld punishment toward he or she and yet it's been disregarded time and time again. Because the narcissistic sociopath is eternally unthankful, ungrateful for what he or she has… they instead feel entitled to whatever comes their way… they feel no reason to thank God. They don't believe the blessings they've received have come from anyone above themselves… after all, they are in control and wouldn't dream of stamping His name on anything "they've" accomplished. So the narc or sociopath lives a life of expecting good things to happen not from an optimistic viewpoint but because they "deserve them" and why wouldn't they get the best? If married, they have made "your life possible" so from their viewpoint their spouse should be gracious and kiss their feet, the very ground they walk on. If they have a position that allows them to have opened opportunities to others, given them jobs, etc, they feel powerful. It's others who should be thankful to them.
The reason we are here on earth is for us to become holy… molded, chiseled what have you, in God's eyes. Narcissistic sociopaths don't realize they are not the whole universe, that it doesn't revolve around them. The earth and it's people were made by God and he wants us to extend good and care to others. He wants us to share his word with the world… to be helpers, to be givers, encouragers, to be representatives of him. Unlike the narcissistic sociopath who lives in a world where life is a game, they are in charge, they make up the rules as they go along, change them at whim and everyone else seemingly loses.
They are playing a dangerous game.
One that will allow them to "win" many many times.
But eventually their winning streak will wear out.
And at death it will be game over.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016
Are you doing the choosing?
Or are you allowing yourself to be chosen?
When were dating we can either choose to take charge of our dating life or choose to be a passive passenger in it. Are we in the drivers seat or are we allowing the opposite sex to make the decisions?
Who is in the drivers seat in your life?
Are we allowing ourselves to be chosen?
If so, we may ask what is the reason behind it?
It may go back to our history.
Namely, our father.
As women, when we have fathers who aren't there for us, we tend to yearn (possibly to self-detriment) for what we didn't get. It's completely understandable. We yearn for that emotional nurturing, masculine attention and physical stability that we never received. So then we choose partners who are cut from the same cloth as our fathers and find ourselves in relationships with men who are just as toxic, stunted and unavailable. Inevitably our choices send us right down the same path over and over again until we become cognizant of the type of men we are choosing... and with that awareness then making the necessary changes.
Are we choosing men (or if you're a man choosing a woman) that expect so much yet give us very little to nothing in return? Are we still on some level seeking the love we never received from our emotionally elusive parent? Oftentimes the sad but realistic answer is yes.
Are we choosing partners that make us feel old? More like a parent figure versus an equal?
Are we choosing a man or woman who tries to mold us into someone were not? Or do we hide who we are and become who we believe they want us to be?
There are so many toxic types to avoid when it comes to dating and marriage.
Here are four....
1. The Narcissist:
We may be choosing partners that are narcissistic to the core... classic cases of selfishness that want us to sacrifice all we are for them and the good of the relationship. These folks will expect you to give and give, for you to never expect anything of them, to always apologize even if it's not your fault, to never be sick, feel anxious, angry or sad because that is a time suck on their part and they can't be bothered. And please don't age, because that really screws with their image of perfection they so desperately want to show others. It's a twenty four hour job being with a narcissist and the benefits are nil. The end result is always the same… you being completely emotionally maxed out, physically less healthy and either being discarded for someone new (can we say fresh supply?!) or having to leave on your own accord.
2. Arrested Development:
Or maybe you're attracted to the person who appears at first young, fun and spontaneous. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously. The problem is... it's after dating them awhile that you realize they take nothing in life seriously... because they are stunted when it comes to being a grown up. They don't invest, they find a credit score unimportant, they don't save, they merely want to watch movies and they have zero interest in personal growth… don't even go there regarding counseling because they are still sixteen and perfectly content at remaining there. A man (or woman) who shows arrested development may initially be a draw in the name of fun and then become a huge turn off. They look innocent enough... suit and tie, coffee and briefcase Monday through Friday from eight am to five o'clock. But the truth is... they fail to grow into adults. They fail in relationships because they become "another kid" someone has to look after.
3. The Convincer/Manipulator:
The manipulator is someone who doesn't believe in a mutual coming together when dating… instead of pursuing you in the romantic sense they are about convincing you to be with them. This is a person whose ego is driving the relationship… and typically not for the long haul. Because the non-manipulator soon realizes their values, morals, goals, etc do not align with their romantic interest and instead may be polar opposite. This is when the heat and pressure is turned up for the person to stay with the manipulator. Pick me! Pick me! He or she may try to convince you to stay when you know deep down no matter how much chemistry you have, how much humor is shared, no matter how badly you want it to work… at the end of the day the facts don't lie… you're wrong for each other… he's an atheist, you're a Christian, he lacks empathy and you care, you're a sentimental guy and she rebuffs any sweet gesture you attempt in gift giving. No matter how hard you try it simply won't work… it's best to cut the cord and free yourself for someone who is a good match and woos without a plan to manipulate.
4. Please Change So I Can Love You:
Last, are you finding that you can't be yourself? If you are in a relationship where you are not being genuine it's time to re-assess. Only you know if it's you or them… or both. Maybe a lack of esteem or the person you're with is making you doubt yourself as being lovable. If you're constantly softening your points of view or changing your look, wardrobe, hair, etc because there is some unspoken deep down fear you are not enough… that you can't be loved for who you truly are… that's a sign there is personal work to be done. Perhaps any dating relationship needs to be put on hold until you're in a better place… confident in who you are and not wanting to adapt to what other's want you to be. Or perhaps the person you're with isn't healthy for you and expects you to be someone else. You like your hair short, he likes it long. He likes skirts and you wear pants. Are you staying true to you or changing? Staying together could mean an awful outcome, someone falling in love with who you're not… that's a recipe for disaster for both individuals. If you find yourself dependent upon this person and needing them just to function… if depression is hovering at your door that may be a sign that it's time to get in a healthier place… relationships thrive when both people come together because they want to be together not out of a dependent need.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016