Fathers and Daughters
Fathers, do you have any idea the amount of power you play in your daughter's life?
Your power for the positive or negative is huge.
Daughters want to view their fathers as protectors, providers, leaders,
competent, trustworthy and moral.
DAUGHTERS SEEK APPROVAL
AND ACCEPTANCE FROM THEIR DADS
It is imperative that fathers are setting the example that their daughters so desperately need in order to thrive in life… in all areas; emotionally and socially. A father is the first man a girl has in her life so it's incredibly important that she is able to connect well with him, to be capable of trusting him and see him as strong in good values and decision making. There is certainly no relationship more vital than the one that sets the foundation between father and daughter… as it sets the tone for her relationship with all other men in her life… future husband included if she marries.
Can she trust her father?
Well, that depends… is he making choices that deem him trustworthy? If he's attending church regularly, if he's actively following Christ, if he's leading the family in prayer, if he's taking the time to connect with his children, if he's balancing work with down time, if he's not speeding, not drinking to excess, not lying, etc… if he's making morally sound decisions on a daily basis… she will come to find with time that yes, his actions match his words and he can be trusted. However, if he's practicing road rage, flying off the handle at his family, drinking, cheating, lying, working all the time, being emotionally, verbally and or physically abusive… he will show his daughter bit by bit that he cannot be trusted… that his words are meaningless… that when he speaks everyone might as well drown him out with deaf ears because anything he utters is a lie.
Eventually if he proves over time he is not capable of leadership, of morally sound actions, his daughter will pull away. She won't feel safe. She won't respect him. She will find herself feeling derision toward him each and every time he proves once again he's merely a sham.
names have been omitted in this post
I set my keys and the warm pizza box on the kitchen counter along with an aluminum foil container.
"Grab a fork and an extra plate and I'll split this Fettuccine Alfredo with you, sweet pea." I told my daughter as I grabbed a stack of white napkins from the wicker basket atop the counter.
"Okay!' She said and scampered to the utensil drawer. I quickly began assembling everything we needed on the wood coffee table in the den including two glasses of water. She pulled up a couple ottomans and after we sat down I opened the pizza box.
"Oh, yum! I want pizza too!" She said and I swiftly set a large cheesy slice of pepperoni pizza on her plate beside her pasta. "Thank you for dinner, Mommy." She said and added "And thank you for having them add chicken to the fettuccine. It's way yummier."
"Yeah, it is!" I replied with a grin "You're welcome. I love Joe's Pasta and Pizza." I smiled at her. It was the perfect cozy night at home with her, eating Italian to go and spending time together.
As we talked she said "So… guess what? Daddy… he told me that God is not my Daddy."
I stopped mid-chew and looked at her "What?"
"Yeah… I told Daddy that he's my dad and that God is too. But Daddy told me that God is not my dad, just he is." She told me.
Silence. I was getting pretty fed up with having to clean up the messes he continued to make.
A FATHER IMPACTS HOW A CHILD SEES GOD
A GODLY MAN IS HUMBLE AND KNOWS THAT ULTIMATELY GOD IS IN CHARGE. HE IS A LEADER IN THE HOME FOR CHRIST. HE IS BOTH SERVANT AND WARRIOR FOR GOOD ON EARTH.
Finally I spoke "That's not true. God is your Daddy… God is our Heavenly Father. If you're a believer you believe God is your dad and he sent his only son Jesus Christ to earth to die for our sins. God was Christ in the flesh. Daddy is your father but he's your earthly father."
She picked the chicken out of her fettuccine eating it first then starting on the pasta. "Oh… so he lied. Again. Why did he tell me that?" She pondered aloud. "I guess if he doesn't think God is my dad then he thinks he isn't his either." She spun fettuccine on her fork "If he doesn't believe God is our father then maybe he doesn't believe in God at all." She said. I watched the pasta swirl on her small fork and I sighed.
"I don't know." I replied then added "But I do know that you have every right to believe in God and what the bible tells you." I told her.
In John 14:9-10 Jesus said, "Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work."
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
Is your EX-Narcissist happy now?
Is he or she now blissfully delirious in their new relationship?
It may certainly seem that way.
But the cold hard truth is… no.
Oh, yes, it might appear that way from the outside looking in that he (or she) is living a life of cozy Starbucks moments, candlelight dinners, closeness and connection, laughs and thrills in the midst of excess on expensive vacations, shopping excursions and gifts. But if we look a little more closely we can see that happiness is actually far from reality for them.
The narcissist is prone to depression. The reason for their depression is much different than a healthy non-personality disordered individual. We tend to be susceptible to depression within a toxic marriage or in the aftermath of divorce due to trying to figure out what exactly we are/were dealing with in regards to the crazy behavior we've been enduring, possibly even years on end. We may be depressed trying to figure out how we are going to financially support ourselves post divorce if we've been stay at home mothers all or the majority of our marriage… I myself dealt with serious depression in the winter of 2013 trying to figure out how I was going to get on my feet financially. Many targets of narcissistic sociopaths have developed health conditions due to the stress of living with a narcissist or sociopath and now are trying to not only build a new life but manage their health… all of this can understandably be the source of depression however fleeting.
But the narcissist's depression? It's due to a lack of supply… narcissistic supply. When we abruptly leave a narc and inflict injury to their oh so delicate ego it not only angers them that they must now go out into the world and find someone new to latch onto to make themselves feel better, hence the quick need to date (if they haven't chosen to discard you yet) but it also irritates them that they lost a longterm reliable source of supply. They are resentful to the one who left, who "caused all this" in their twisted victimized mind, despite years of less than stellar behavior on their part toward their spouse. Hence, the punishment that soon comes. His (or her) pristine bubble of invincibility has been burst, as they believed no one could touch them, no one could get them, no one could crow "gotcha" by walking off and now the narc feels blindsided by their stark inferiority staring back at them.
The fact is… the new relationship is not any healthier than yours was. It may look wonderful from the outside, but it's all a facade. They are working in overdrive if the relationship is relatively new to keep their crazy under control… they are expending an unreal amount of energy to make everything look amazing on the outside… and attractive to their new supply. They are like a juggler keeping all the balls in the air. She, the new target (or he) will never be enough, she will always be beneath him, not his equal partner. He will feel a need to control her just as he did you. He will buy her and she won't know it until much like you with some time under her belt and a bad case of anxiety and walking on eggshells. No matter how valuable she appears to be to him, she like yourself is as dispensable to him as the next one will be. There will be a string of them from here out no matter how hard he tries to "keep it together"… because boredom will finally call and eventually he will lose interest.
names have been omitted in this post
It was a sunny March afternoon… the temps were a bit warmer, thank goodness. My mother and I were headed westward down a main thoroughfare… passing by businesses and museums, galleries and high end shops. As I drove, my mother suddenly pointed up ahead and exclaimed "Wait a minute… isn't that her?" She asked, referring to the woman my father was in a relationship with now.
I squinted and flipped my visor downward to help shield my eyes despite wearing sunglasses. With piercing eyes I spotted the taupe brown SUV just pulling away from a curb ahead. Gaining a little distance and recognizing the plates, I nodded. "Well, go figure. What do you know…" I murmured "Let's follow her and see where she goes." I said, my curiosity piqued... and with a flick of the blinker I switched lanes to tail her.
As we followed her and made our way further into the west side of town, a high end residential neighborhood… we spotted her vehicle pulling to a stop on the street in front of a nice upscale condo. Under dappled mature trees I eased my SUV to a slow stop in the block before hers, waiting. We watched from a distance as she exited the vehicle and stood on the driveway. Now we had a clear view of her for the first time. As we sat in the confines of the SUV there was a sudden white blur that went by us, barely missing grazing my left side as it sped full tilt past us down the street, headed straight for her. Sitting up a little straighter, my mouth fell open in shock…
"What the…" I trailed off,
eyeing the white vehicle
practically go airborne,
like something out of
Dukes of Hazard.
"Wait a minute, is that…" I said, with sudden recognition of the vehicle and realizing it was my father. With lightning speed he squealed up to her condo and pulled into the front driveway. Out he leapt and with an angry stance, with arms waving wildly and a pointing of fingers we could make out heated verbiage being emitted on his part. Meanwhile she appeared to be attempting to assuage him, to calm him down.
"Oh my…" My mother breathed from the passenger seat beside me as my mouth gaped open. She was thinking the same thing I was… the out of control behavior we had witnessed for years, that she had endured well over thirty years in their marriage, that I had dealt with for an entire childhood along with my siblings had spilled over into his new relationship. It appeared that the angry unbridled outbursts were present just as much now as they always had been and now this woman was on the receiving end of dealing with them. We watched as the woman got in the passenger seat of the SUV and allowed him to now get behind the wheel and drive away with her inside.
After they departed I slowly eased up in front of the condo, taking note of the address.
As we sat there she spoke "Sometimes things aren't always as they seem. I think we need this woman checked out if she's been around your kids." She said. I nodded as I scrolled on my iPhone "I'm already on it…" I replied and added, "I'll put in a call to a private investigator."
"Evidently the relationship is not as blissful as one would think." My mother remarked.
"It never is." I replied as I drove off and headed toward home.
When the narc's mask begins to slip, when the unedited version of their sick self begins to rear it's ugly head, when their fits outweigh the calm, when the target begins feeling less loved and viewed with contempt… when they can put their finger on the fact something isn't right… when the narc becomes bored, when they no longer feel challenged, when their affairs and lies are found out by the new one their with…
The fantasy of that wonderful new supply will fall apart, will begin to descend like a demolished building, like quicksand everything will disappear… and then the cycle must start all over again… the narc must find someone new. It's so incredibly personal what they do to their targets, yet they will do it with each and every one they are with… never ever satisfied. Yet you, on the other hand… get to have a new beginning, a real beginning, you get to heal, to go on in life with more knowledge than you had, with wisdom, with clarity, with empathy not just for yourself and what you've endured but for others as well.
You, my friend… are not dependent like him on supply to be happy. Yes, it will be a hard road, yes it will have struggle, yes, you might become depressed, yes you might have to cut corners here or there, yes you may have to rely on some wonderful people or maybe you realize all you have is God… yet He is enough. One day you will wake up to your cheek resting on a soft pillow, stretch with upward arms, feel refreshed, and with a skip in your step you will head to the kitchen to make your breakfast… and as you listen to the robins singing their morning salute to you, as your coffee percolates, as you reach for your favorite well loved mug and pitter patter with bare feet to the window to look at the sun shining happiness into your space… you will smile and say to yourself:
"It's a new day. And I'm truly happy."
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
What are the signs of true happiness? Click here to read all 10 via Reader's Digest
March 20th, 2015
names have been omitted in this post
It was a late Friday afternoon… I'd just picked up my daughter from school and as we made our way through sheets of March rain, the windshield wipers swiped back and forth, the sound of water rushing on either side of the SUV's tires. Water was quickly beginning to flood the streets and yet I pressed forward with caution trying to avoid the worst spots that were pooling in the right lane we were in.
From the backseat my daughter was in the midst of telling me about her week spent at her dad's house with her brother. As she spoke I felt dread rising up in me. These conversations were of situations I never thought for a second my children would be experiencing one day when I decided to have a family.
"… Mommy, this woman that Daddy picked up from the airport, she stayed at our house. She's from London, so she had an accent. And she slept in Daddy's bed!"
"Uh, huh…" I murmured, sick of hearing how once again he was setting a simply stellar example for our two children. I sighed, sitting at the red light waiting for it to change so we could continue.
The radio played softly…
… Yeah I want to feel the sunshine
Shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do
I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and took two steps back
I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to
I want to love somebody, love somebody like you
Oh here we go now, ooo, yeah,
Hey I want to love ya baby,
Oh oh, oh oh ...
Read more: Keith Urban - Somebody Like You Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I WANT TO STAND IN THE SUN,
I thought to myself…
"But you won't believe this!" She continued, "He tells me she has a three year old daughter. So I was like "Well, then where is her daughter if she's here? I mean, who is watching her kid?" And he tells me "I guess her husband." "
I nearly shriek,
my hands griping the wheel.
I hit the gas and I glance
in the rearview mirror.
She nods at me with affirmation.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BUT HE'S LOST HIS MIND!!!! I thought to myself… This is NOT moral behavior! This is NOT acceptable! His behavior is out of control! THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!!!! It was like the whole world had gone mad, like I had hopped down the rabbit hole and I was Alice wondering what everyone else had had to drink.
Pulling over to the bank parking lot I slip into a spot and sit.
I was suddenly too tired to go in and make my deposit.
The wipers go back and forth, rain continuing to come down hard. Dressed in gray skinny jeans, boots, jean jacket, and a now wrinkled white shirt that I'd turned back the sleeves on, I rest my forearms on the taupe leather steering wheel, leaning in and put my head down and weep. I cannot believe this is my children's childhood. All this mess. All this nonsense. Would it ever stop? He had zero control… no, strike that… he CHOSE to have zero control over his physical urges. Tears slipped out and silence engulfed us as I wept. It was bad enough he had cheated, it was bad enough he'd continued to parade his sex life around our children during and post divorce with women who were single… but now this? A married woman? It seemed there was nothing off limits. It was bad enough that he chose this path on his own time, at his own discretion, but in front of our children? That was what upset me. It was sickening for any parent, man or woman to have to witness the effects of these actions on their child time and time again… thinking that this is moral behavior for an adult in their life.
Hurt for my children struck my heart and as Keith Urban sung his country melody, his voiced wafting through the vehicle, I just wanted someone to hold me. Two strong arms to melt into and someone to say "I'm here." I wanted a person to not attempt to fix something they couldn't, but just say:
"This sucks. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
Maybe that's what I needed to tell my daughter. So I began telling her what I myself needed to hear. That yes, baby, this sucks but we are trying to get through it the best we can and you know what? I am here, I'm not going anywhere. And that God was too. I thought to myself, This is all so out of control… I don't even KNOW what to pray for anymore! God, I just pray for whatever you see fit! Just whatever this needs please intervene!
Sometimes our prayers in the pit of despair are comparable to throwing up our arms and simply asking for whatever intervention is needed. God always knows what is needed, what can be seen through the fogginess of a circumstance because He is all knowing... nothing is too big for Him to handle, for He can create change, He can turn tables, He can calm troubled waters in an instant, He can do anything at all... we just need faith no matter how small.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
When your burdens seem big as mountains and you find yourself wondering what on earth to pray for, take heart in knowing you are not alone… the truth is God already knows when we need comfort and interceding. Romans 8:26-27 promises us that we will helped when we are filled with weakness and despair, when we don't even know where to begin in our prayers. All we need to do when we are at a loss of words is ask that God hear our groans, our unspoken cries.