As the child of a narcissist…
You grow up feeling unheard.
You grow up feeling unseen.
You grow up feeling forgotten.
You grow up feeling not wanted.
You grow up feeling not loved.
Home sweet home…
the picket fence feels more like barbed wire
and sweet is more like bitter.
I lived like this most of my childhood when it came to my father.
If it hadn't been for my mother's empathetic example I don't know what would have become of me.
I likely would have taken after my father; being led to believe that everyone operated as he did… because I wouldn't have had any other point of reference.
I scrutinize and reflect and second guess myself constantly… after narcissistic abuse that is common. Those of us who are over-thinkers may have a double whammy of self scrutiny if they've been coupled with a personality disordered individual. Having ADHD I do believe can sometimes make someone come across as narcissistic even if they aren't. If we forget our appointments (shocking) and always have to reschedule (ugh!) it can begin to be viewed as narcissistic; no regard for the doctor, the dentist, the therapist, right?!… when in reality we feel deep guilt, embarrassment and give ourselves another mental scolding! You've GOT to do better! Get it together! What is the MATTER with you?! Having issues regarding regulating our impulses in the brain goes with ADHD; creating issues for us when we really want to let someone have it verbally… who has probably pushed us to our breaking point and driven us batty. Sometimes it's like pulling nails to keep a lid on it so to speak. And when it slips (watch out, yikes) it can make us appear narcissistic; "Wow! She said what?!", "He did what?! Well, I don't know what's gotten into them! Obviously they aren't the 'nice' person I THOUGHT they were!" But ADHD is not a diagnosis of being morally flawed, lacking empathy etc. It's about restlessness, difficulty focusing and impulse issues. Naturally anyone diagnosed with ADHD or even Bipolar could also be diagnosed as personality disordered. But having ADHD or Bipolar does not automatically mean you're narcissistic. Having ADHD requires a lot of self care and time to re-charge because quite frankly if we aren't medicated… it's at minimum three times more exhausting just to get through a typical day compared to regular functioning folks. Throw in trying to keep a job, (and being right with Jesus, mind you) navigating traffic (does anyone use a blinker anymore? And why do some people believe the brake is gas?! And obviously some people never learned in kinder that green means GO!) and then all the little annoying things that always seem to get forgotten like mailing your health insurance payment, calling the doctor for that appointment and getting your sticker updated on your vehicle (I literally told a cop once innocently but honestly enough: "Well, Officer, I'm really sorry. I've been super busy and it totally slipped my mind." Him: "For SIX MONTHS??? You were busy for SIX MONTHS?!" Ummm, yes I was, I really don't know where the time went… ***bright red face and wanting to shrink into the seat*** (Welcome to the world of ADHD) … it's like pulling nails for most of us to just make it day to day sans medication… we don't have enough focus to put it on anything for more than two seconds.
It seems to go with the territory of having been raised by a narcissist that you're suspected of being one. And were raised to be on our own so to speak… you learn from a young age to be self-reliant, to "figure it out", and not ask for help. With a narcissist help is never free. You always pay later. So you learn not to receive help. Not to ask. Then you feel like an island. Alone. You so badly don't want to become what you knew growing up that you're at times fearful; questioning if maybe you don't have enough empathy… you may begin to feel like you are selfish, defective and unlovable… throw in the fact that with the PTSD you can often feel emotionally numb… you've been through so much that the sweet emotions of happiness and joy just don't seem as happy and joyful as they should (or as they did once upon a time). Instead joy and happiness feel more subdued versus vibrant… more like when you're coming out of anesthesia and melancholy is your name… a fuzzy, quiet, sober thoughtfulness that cascades over joy and dampens it a bit.
But the thing is… those who are willing and ready to seek therapy are very often the ones who often take the brunt of the blame for any problems they might have; including those in their relationships. The narcissist, however is the one who believes therapy is for everyone but them. They may initially go to "appease" their partner but at some point the therapy will be for the healthy one… the one who has self-reflection, who has empathy, who has a desire to grow and develop. The healthy one will ultimately enter therapy to figure out how to "deal" with the narcissist. In a healthy relationship there is the mutual sharing of ideas, celebrations, dreams, joys, losses, goals, problems to resolve, etc. But in a relationship where one individual is narcissistic the only person of importance is the narc. The non-narcissist was raised to always cater to their narcissistic parent… thus they have been trained to always put what their partner wants first… essentially disappearing in the relationship; they dance around the narcissist losing who they are as an individual. The non-narcissist tends to have difficulty setting boundaries and being assertive… or at least until it's so bad that they explode… then feel enormous guilt for "losing it" when in reality they finally set a long overdue boundary that many would have set initially way back. There is much inner turmoil and conflict within the non-narcissist because they have anger toward the narc who is always taking and taking… yet on some level the non-narc is frustrated and angry with themselves because the last thing they ever want to be characterized as is selfish… hence not setting boundaries so as not to be seen as "mean."
Growing up with a narcissist… it's like this odd dance of where you waffle between being given negative attention; being yelled at etc, and just being ignored… neglect happens a lot. There is little to no positivity… and if there is… it feels put on and not genuine. They may use their children to brag to others and or take credit for their accomplishments. Being heard doesn't happen in being the child of a narcissist. I grew up never feeling heard and if I was ever upset about anything I was told by my father I was behaving as "high strung." If there is more than one child surely one will be chosen as the golden child and another the black sheep. The golden child is viewed as one who can do no wrong and likely to follow in the narcissistic parent's footsteps. They are an extension of the narc's identity and give adoring supply to their ego. Unless you do something to get yourself knocked off the pedestal… like being the eldest, the willful one, the outspoken one. I was once upon a time the golden child but as I became older and realized how I was being used to puff up my father's ego I slowly began showing more and more disgust for him, openly challenging and questioning him and his actions. I rebelled. Not knowing what to do with me he was at his wits end… he turned to my youngest sister and soon she became the revered golden child instead and I… the black sheep. But he used her… bragging to acquaintances that he was paying for her to attend the local expensive four year christian university to assuage his fragile ego. After she passed away he slowly began realizing all he had was me… (that must have been a huge disappointment) as he had disowned my middle sister when she married. Me, the black sheep suddenly looked like all the supply he would be able to attain. How he would have to "settle". But I saw how I was still not being treated well. I could sell a painting as quickly as I could snap my fingers… and yet when I put my hand out for my commission suddenly he was busy, MIA, what have you… "I'll get it for you later…" came his reply. And yet later never came. Finally having had enough I pulled out of the family business and said goodbye to everything my family had built for generations. Sometimes having to say goodbye isn't an overnight decision. Sometimes it's made many many times… you say goodbye and then try again… only to realize that goodbye was the right choice.. again… time passes and then you dip your toe in AGAIN… (it's that fervent hope that your family will exude a healthy love time and time again) it can take years, maybe decades to disentangle yourself from the toxic web of family and realize that every time you go back you get stung again… and eventually say enough and never ever return.
names have been omitted in this post
"So he was making us go on a walk and I didn't want to go because we were dog sitting and that neighbors dog was going to jump all over me and I don't like that so I told Daddy no, I wasn't going. I wanted to stay in my room." My daughter confided in me regarding her dad as we sat in the den. The partially open plantation shutters to our right revealed a setting sun with streaks of orange and grey. The scent of parmesan and herb crusted chicken and potatoes baking in the oven filtered throughout the house.
"Ummm… okay… so what did he say?" I asked her.
"He said 'tough!' and then he walked outside and I got so angry I called him a bad word." She told me.
I sighed and grimaced. Great. Just great. "What did you call him?" I asked her wearily.
Silence. Finally she spoke "The A word. I called him it three times." She told me.
I rubbed my temples to stave off a headache coming on "Oh my gosh… you cannotcall him bad words. Do you understand me?" I asked her calmly but sternly.
She stared at me and nodded "Okay. But he made me so mad!" She exclaimed.
"Ok…" I exhaled… "I totally understand that. I get that you were mad. That is something we will talk about and you need to talk to God about. But you can't go around calling him names. You can tell him why you're mad but you can't say bad words. You have to be respectful." I explained to her.
"B-but…" She stammered with exasperation then angrily continued, "He doesn't listen to me! He NEVER listens to me! If I tell him how I feel he just says 'tough!' or his favorite thing to say 'it's fine!' He doesn't care what I think!" She told me forcefully. This I knew to be true based on his continued actions in how he treated her. But I kept my thoughts to myself. No, he doesn't give a rat's rear what you think, I thought to myself.
"So what did he do? Did he hear you calling him a bad word?" I asked her.
She nodded "Oh, yeah… he came running back in the house and was so mad! He was like 'Young lady, you go to your room right now!' and he took my phone away from me. Which I knew he'd do." She shrugged like she didn't care. I listened intently… I saw the signs… she was beyond sick of him and how he treated her. "I told him I want to spend more time with you… that I want to be at mommy's more. I wrote him a letter telling him that. He didn't read it till the next day. And even then he didn't say anything. Basically, he doesn't care!" She added with a snip.
Oh how the past re-plays itself… slightly different and yet all too familiar and painful. It was my childhood all over again… not being heard, not being seen, one sibling being favored over another; in her case her brother being the golden child and she the black sheep. It was like a re-run of a terribly bad movie and all you could do sit and watch it play out and hope for eventual change… meaning escape for her… Oh how liberating to grow up and finally be able to tell your narcissistic parent: "No more", "I'm done", and "Goodbye" at best although many other words came to mind. The narcissistic parent isn't capable of love… only control, manipulation, deceit… ultimately making people suffer because they don't want to be around them anymore and yet… their stuck if only temporarily.
So what do we do? How can we guide our children through their experiences with the narcissistic parent and be there for them WITHOUT negatively speaking about said narc? It's entirely possible and absolutely necessary.
1. Ask your child how he or she feels.
3. Confirm that yes, they do have a right to feel angry.
4. Also point out that anger often follows hurt, sadness, etc. Ask about those feelings.
5. Point out behaviors that are absolutely not acceptable for ANYONE; lying, twisting, spinning the truth, etc. Also hurting others feelings by not listening, not giving attention, etc.
6. Remember to affirm that anger in itself is not a bad thing. Anger actually gives us signals that a wrong has occurred and something needs to change. But do remind them that anger can become sin in how we show it and act on it.
7. Encourage your child to also talk to God about his or her feelings regarding their narcissistic parent. Remind them that they can pray about the relationship and offer to hold their hand and pray with them.
8. Encourage your child to write down what is bothering them. Keep a journal handy by their bed so they can jot down anything that goes on in the narcissistic parents home that upsets them.
9. If possible get your child in therapy with an experienced therapist.
10. Remind your child that they are loved by you… and show that selfless love by your actions.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.
Was this not what was to come?
Was this not precisely how a sociopath worked?
To elevate you just enough to bring you down?
Was this the past about to happen yet again?
Was this not the opposite of love?
Was this the self-hatred of a personality disordered individual
used in fueling their agenda to destroy?
Those lyrics summed up so
much in such a small space.
Eight simple yet intricate lines that wrought
growingly complicated pain.
Yes, in the end it proved to be true and certainly
what came in my marriage.
A narcissistic sociopath is capable of many things… lying, cheating, abuse, stalking… and yes, even in some extremes, the most dangerous on the spectrum of disorder; a psychopath who is capable of murder… think Ted Bundy. Sociopaths and psychopaths both disregard the law, morals, the needs of others, guilt and remorse… charm, manipulation and entitlement run rampant with these toxic personality disordered individuals.
“Let’s say I committed this crime, even if I did,
it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"
- O.J. Simpson
Abuse and murder is not love.
An abuser believes he (or she) is not complete without the other person, that they cannot survive without them. "If I can't have you no one will have you." They adhere to jealousy and control; believing that being a man means having total and complete control and compliance from their partner. An abuser thinks rigidly and is not able to see other's points of view; they are right and unable to see gray areas; compromising and discussion is not done.
When a psychopath takes someone's life they may try to plead insanity. But we know that this couldn't be further from the truth. To be considered legally insane one must not know the crime or murder they are committing is illegal. Psychopaths however KNOW they are committing an act that is illegal. The fact of the matter is: they don't care. They lack remorse. They lack guilt. They lack shame. This is willful blatant sin.
This post is for those who need an exit plan to leave an toxic partner. Women are typically not as physically strong as men… when we watch the news each night we see countless women who are being murdered merely because their spouse or soon to be ex-spouse decided they would inflict further control and prevent them from leaving…. thus killing them. The fact is… women are at their highest risks of being murdered during two times in their life:
1) being pregnant
2) leaving an abusive relationship
More than 90 percent of women murdered by men are killed by someone they know. source
The fact that women are being robbed of a new chapter, a chance of real happiness, health and peace… that they are prevented from regaining their freedom from a toxic relationship and even losing their ability to raise their children should outrage not just women but men as well. These women are someone's daughter, sister, niece, etc. These women are valuable, precious people that deserve to live a life free of ugly words, emotional manipulation and physical abuse.
Yet there are men who are abused by their partners as well… often these men continue to "take" the abuse because they would never dream of hitting a female back (even in self defense)… so they stay, hoping for change or escape. Often people say domestic violence could never happen to men. But that's not true.
No one deserves to live a life like that;
male or female.
Specifically, statistics show that the vast majority of murders of women are by men they intimately know. Regardless, this post of tips can be applied to men as well wanting to escape an abusive marriage or relationship.
30 Tips For An Exit Plan:
1. Document, document, document; it can't be stated enough. Journals, (with dates) texts, (screenshots printed) emails, recordings, photos, etc. Stash them in a safe deposit box (choose a bank you don't normally use) a trusted family member or friend has access to.
2. Have a safe place to go; a friends home, family members, local women's shelter, etc.
3. Always be ready; keep your vehicle fueled, backed in or pulled into the parking space ahead, keep an extra set of car keys somewhere safe; with a trusted person or the safe deposit box. Staying in your home isn't wise, it's best to find a new location; if you choose to stay in your home at minimum change the locks and install cameras. Get a security system. Use it diligently.
4. Have cash set aside and in a safe place. Don't use bank accounts; they can be traced.
5. Always have a hard copy of trusted people's phone numbers and addresses.
6. Utilize the lock on your cell phone.
7. Have a bag of clothes; hoodie, cap, scarf and essentials; toothbrush/paste, feminine products, medicine, etc hidden in your vehicle or stashed with a trusted friend/family.
8. Keep all important documents for you and your children; papers like a passport, marriage license, medical records, taxes, car title, birth certificates, bank account information, social security cards, etc in a safe deposit box.
9. Take all precious photos and things of sentimental value; scrapbooks, albums, special things your children made.
10. Place your wedding ring, other valuable jewelry and your laptop in a safe deposit box; you may need to sell the jewelry later for money.
11. Family computer; erase all history on it. Create a false trail for your abuser... do a search for a hotel in the opposite direction you'll be staying.
12. Buy mace; carry it on you.
13. Take a self defense class/ training course and get your CHL; buy a gun if you feel you need one but keep in mind the risk of your abuser getting it from you.
14. Get a protective order; keep a copy on you and an extra in the safe deposit box.
15. If you believe your spouse or ex could potentially kill you; write a statement that if you are found dead for investigators to look at your spouse/ex as a prime suspect. Keep this in a safe deposit box.
16. Have a new will drawn up.
17. Have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking system; have it ripped it out and keep it/photograph it for evidence. Download an app called TimeStamp to take all photos with the date and time on them for documenting everything you need to document.
18. Don't share your new location with anyone you can't fully trust.
19. Dump your cell phone and buy a new one.
20. Change up your typical routes and remove any easily identifying stickers on your vehicle.
21. Get a P.O. Box.
22. Make it clear to the school administration who can and cannot pick up your children.
23. Always ensure no one is following you. Stay public; do child exchanges if you must at McDonald's or the police station where cameras are present; never at your home.
24. Use a new pharmacy and dry cleaners. Change grocery stores.
25. Utilize the "block" feature on your cell phone; always hide your caller ID. Block the contacts you don't want contacting you; your spouse/ex, his or her friends and family etc.
26. Inform where you work of your situation. Park up front where your vehicle is visible to anyone tampering with it.
27. At your new location; have camera's installed. Lorex makes a good camera (you can purchase it at Best Buy) that enables you to screenshot any suspicious activity recorded. Again, get a security system.
28. Have a doorbell installed that includes video/recording; SkyBell (Target sells one as well).
29. Have your doors reinforced; wood doors can be kicked in; get steel doors with large slide locks.
30. Have photos of your spouse/ex and their vehicle/license plates and drivers license if needed for police.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016
To help bring awareness and change to domestic violence click here
Narcissists, sociopaths… they all hate women. But how is their hatred shown? How does it show up in their relationships? Much of their disdain for women is obviously intertwined with sex and how they relate (or not) to the female species.
Some narcissistic sociopaths are skilled lovers no doubt… they know exactly what to say and do. They smile with satisfaction because they know they are skilled and can read you like a book… like mind readers they whisper in your ear:
"I know you want to be ravished under the light of a thousand stars under the night sky. I know you want me to make you scream my name while you grasp the sheet with white knuckles… I know what turns you on, what would send you writhing in my arms gasping, moaning for more… I'm going to relish you like no one else ever has with my eyes, my hands and my tongue. You will beg me for more after I rock you like the thundering waves at sea."
He can deliver.
But he's doing the same thing
for "what's-her-name" as well.
He's giving in the bedroom yet
it means nothing to him.
You're just another object to him.
Another source of supply secured
to massage his fragile ego.
Another woman whom he has tricked.
Yet there is also the narcissistic sociopath who withholds what you want sexually, what you desire, what you need. He is all about himself and his own lust and desire… these narcissistic types are using you much like an inflatable doll, as a prop if you will, to masturbate upon and self satisfy. He (or she) isn't going to go to any efforts to ensure you are receiving pleasure as well… instead it will be a scenario like the one below…
"Turn here, flip over, no, no, THIS way!… "
If there weren't so many directions being commanded every second you might be able to (yawn) construct a grocery list, finally decide if you need standard length or extended for the curtains you want to buy… and even put together a mental bucket list of things you want to do before you die… or maybe you CAN do all that while he shoots off directions like an inept Siri… look at you, a multitasking ninja.
The first scenario would be fine if it was coupled with true love, a real care for their partner, a steadfast unwavering loyalty for them… and a reciprocated desire by their spouse. But unfortunately for a narcissistic sociopath true love, real care and loyalty doesn't exist… he's (or she's) not capable. He is gaining supply by ravishing you… then he quickly moves on to the next source of supply.
The second scenario is merely you, a warm body being used to play out (him directing like in a film) all of the sexual fantasies he has (and ways he wishes to be pleased) but in which he never (or rarely unless pressed/criticized/demanded) reciprocates. He's a control freak and not capable of the natural give and take that healthy loving relationships have. Instead he (or she) is all about ME, ME, ME!
ALL NARCISSISTS HATE WOMEN
THEY LOATHE THEM.
THEY OBJECTIFY THEM.
THEY WISH TO CONTROL THEM.
THEY SEE THEM AS PROPERTY.
THEY SEE THEM AS INFERIOR.
THEY SEE THEM WITH CONTEMPT.
THEY SEE THEM AS GOLD-DIGGERS.
THEY SEE THEM AS LEECHES.
THEY SEE THEM AS DEMANDING.
HOW A WOMAN MUST BE TO BE WITH A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH:
1. Perfectly fine with being his unequal (yet he may say he treats you as an equal partner).
2. Never critical and always positive about him. (being critical is the kiss of death).
3. Be perfectly fine with being treated as a sex object and not a real person with feelings.
4. Happy to help him in any way he needs; to take on the unspoken role of assistant versus wife.
As you can imagine living this way would be a drain for anyone… it is a life of constantly walking on eggshells and exhaustion.
As briefly touched on above but delved into further below we can see the hatred a narcissist or sociopath has for his (or her) partner shows up in 4 common ways…
First, any and all decisions will be made by the narcissistic sociopath… there are no "joint decisions". You can voice what you want and he may listen under the guise of "we are equal partners" but at the end of the day he makes all decisions. In fact, his mind is already made up… your input is a waste of breath. In a truly loving (and Christian) marriage we often talk about the husband leading the family. He should be leading his family in ways that point them all to Christ... but a narcissistic sociopath controls with an iron clad grip that leads everyone down a path of sin, grief and dismay.
Secondly, anything he (or she) perceives as criticism will be seen as an attack and will bring about defensiveness. Or he may listen and make calculated mental notes (more sociopathic-like) … listening to you rail on and on and thinking to himself… "Oh, yeah? You just keep talking… keep it up… I'll show you… you don't like it… guess what? I'm gonna do exactly what I want and you telling me x,y,z just makes me want to do it my way more. Keep talking… I'm filing this away, I'll remember this conversation and you will pay for this later (punishment) in some way, shape or form...Ha!" In a truly loving marriage there is not a fear that if you share something (calmly and with tactful love) that your concerns will be dismissed and you will be treated less than. But a narcissistic sociopath holds zero respect for women... it's shown through his inability to take in any feedback whatsoever.
Third, you are subjected to being treated as nothing but a sex toy… someone he wants to defile like an animal, that he keeps off-balance by suggesting acts that do nothing but repulse… at best suggesting an open marriage and even going so far as to make you believe he is highly sought after by the opposite sex… the "casual" comments he drops to you: "My last flight for work the flight attendant couldn't keep her hands off me… she sat in my lap. She told me I could have her right there on the plane." He tells you with a smug smile. You stand there staring at him bewildered(!) wondering first if he's telling the truth, secondly why he would allow that to happen and most of all why he seems to take such joy in seeing you squirm as he shares it. A truly loving marriage makes Christ it's center and brings husband and wife together to share their physical desire and affections for one another... mutually and exclusively. There shouldn't be any open marriage, no threesomes and a husband should be protective of his wife... anything that diminishes or takes away her dignity should be something he'd never dream of doing.
Fourth, you begin to feel like his personal assistant instead of a wife because it's always something… it's his dry cleaning, it's he needs something homemade brought to his office, it's "I need you to come by and meet Mr. So and So that's flying in this week", it's doing all the "grunt work" as he sees it related to the house and children because he does the big deal; the paying job and he doesn't have time for the work of the lowest people on the totem pole like you. A wife may serve her husband and be his helper as a way of showing her love for him but when it's to an extreme and demanded by him, when it's an unspoken rule that has consequences if she doesn't... if she's taken on more of a "business role" in his life rather than solely being his feminine companion through friendship, support, homemaker, mother to their children and his physical lover then her role beside him has changed... he's added more to her plate... a plate not worthy of his time because he deems it beneath him.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016
God never viewed women as second-class citizens and His word clearly states that we are all equally His children. That we are all of equal value and worth. A man is not above a woman but his equal. Many men today have become confused or blind to what being a husband means… treating their wives with neglect and or abuse; emotionally, verbally and physically. God never intended marriage to be this way. Husbands, you have a position of RESPONSIBILITY as the leader in the home; you should be leading your family toward God not away. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28)