If your lips are moving, if your lips are moving
If your lips are moving, then you're lyin', lyin', lyin', baby
If your lips are moving, if your lips are moving
If your lips are moving, then you're lyin', lyin', lyin', baby
Hey baby don't you bring them tears
'Cause it's too late, too late baby
You only love me when you're here
You're so two-faced, two-faced babe
You can buy me diamond earrings and deny-ny-ny, ny-ny-ny, deny-ny
But I smell her on your collar so goodbye-bye-bye, bye-bye-bye
I know you lie
'Cause your lips are moving
Tell me do you think I'm dumb?
I might be young, but I ain't stupid
Talking around in circles with your tongue
- Lips Are Moving Lyrics | MetroLyrics
The narcissistic sociopath is a liar through and through.
He or she has many forms of lying that they utilize…
there are the lies of omission...
which is omitting part of the story or not sharing any of it. There is the tactic of stonewalling (ignoring) when asked a direct question. He or she may also choose to embellish or completely change the facts of a situation… there is absolutely no reason for the lie, they just do it like breathing in each breath of air to live… it's pathological. There are the lies to make them appear more successful than others… "attention-seeking" as he or she may claim to be the CEO of a company that they merely work for. Of course, there is criticism as well. So many people suffer from low esteem because a narcissist has torn them down from head to toe... they feel worthless and have lost their zip, their laugh, their confidence and joy... essentially they have been stripped by the narcissist out of jealousy for their targets wonderful qualities... the narc lies and points out "flaws" to destroy the one their with making them believe they are unlovable. They lie about you... it's called a smear campaign, telling everyone you're either angry or crazy so that's why you've done x,y,z.
Last, there is gas-lighting and projection. Gas-lighting is the conscious decision to deny someone's true reality and instead make them dependent upon the narcissists.
Projection is claiming or accusing someone of doing something that in reality they themselves are doing; your partner accuses you of cheating when in reality they are.
DEFINE THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH:
They are quite simply
SMOKE AND MIRRORS
Like the song by Megan Trainor
if the narcissists lips are moving
it's a sure bet they are lying.
names have been omitted in this post
It was a Saturday night… storms were rolling into the region and we were waiting to hear how bad it would be… heavy rain, strong winds and possible hail (hopefully no tornados) were expected but who knew if that would come to fruition as Texas weather tends to be a bit erratic… with temps in the fifties one day and then nineties the next.
Dark clouds hung overhead and the humidity swelled in the air… my mother was busy at the kitchen counter preparing a salad complete with kale, sliced mushrooms, tomatoes, crumbled cheese and salad dressing. Meanwhile at the cooktop I was browning tortillas filled with fajita chicken, a medley of cheeses, chopped peppers and onion.
My daughter fetched the tub of Daisy sour cream from the fridge and placed it on the table. I asked her to set out napkins, salsa and chips as well. After I served our food on my favorite plates we settled in our chairs at the table.
"Mommy… Daddy told me that his daddy died in a car wreck." She told me, completely catching me off guard. I paused and looked over at her as I spooned some sour cream onto my plate.
"You must have his daddy confused with someone else?" I asked.
"No!" She shook her head adamantly, her wavy hair bobbing and her brows furrowed, "He told me that! That his daddy died in a car wreck!" She insisted.
I wondered what on earth was going on and looked over at my mother who gave me a knowing look….
"Looks like someone is telling stories." She remarked.
"Daddy told you that his daddy died in a car wreck?" I asked my daughter for confirmation.
"Yes!" She exclaimed.
"That's not true." I told her. "That's not true at all. Why did he tell you that?" I asked her.
She shrugged "I don't know. But that is what he told us." She affirmed, referring to herself and her brother.
"Unbelievable." I shook my head.
"So it's not true?" She asked me.
I shook my head "No, it's not true."
"Huh. Well, he lied again!" She remarked and with a 'I'm not surprised' at all tone to her voice.
"How did he die?" She asked me.
"He was depressed." I told her simply.
"What is depressed?" She asked me curiously.
"That's where your mind doesn't feel well." I told her.
"Oh." She said as she dipped a corner of her quesadilla in sour cream.
We talked some more and it became oh so clear to me once again how the narcissist wants to paint a pretty picture of perfection… of themselves and their family… where no depression, no struggles exist… only a picture of them and their unflawed, near non-human ancestors reigned supremely over all others.
Amazingly, it really wasn't any different than my own family growing up… my entire childhood had been a spew of verbiage, a tangled maze of obscurity that was meant to make us all, my mother, myself and siblings believe that we were worthy because we were descendants of someone, of someone important, of someone of status. We were constantly fed an unhealthy dose of "Our family line is related to General Lee" and swanky coat of arms were hung in fancy frames in our hallways, a sign of prideful delusion; like it mattered, like that genealogical fact made up for all the crazy hidden behind closed doors for generations, like it over-shone the fact that personality disorder ran rampant.
I held a "I don't give a rat's rear who were related to" type philosophy that had infuriated those who believed it was the be all end all as it provided them the supply they so desperately needed to feel good about themselves. It's one thing to find our ancestry interesting, it's another to define who we are in it. Like a little celebratory affirming pat on the back narcissists remind themselves of their worth by who they know, who they are related to, not that Christ died for them because their sins are so wretchedly ugly and they needed a Savior.
It seemed my ex was determined to paint a picture quite different from reality and now was feeding our children said lies. Perhaps your ex is doing the same thing. All we can do is continue to tell our children the truth… to teach our children that honesty is something to be valued, that we don't have to change our family history or cover it up to make it presentable to present or future generations… that we don't have to cling to these super inflated lies that we are worth something because were related to so and so or whomever holds a distant place in our family tree. The narcissistic sociopath may try to re-write history or make you doubt what you've lived… but at the end of the day you know the truth and that is your story to own no matter what.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
Moving on after a breakup,
a divorce, what have you,
can be incredibly difficult…
but thank goodness
it is totally doable…
and with a few tips we can
have a smoother transition
from the despairing sniffles of:
"Oh My Gosh WHAT
happened to my life?!"
and fast forward to:
"Okay I LOVE this new life!"
10 Tips For Moving On:
1. With numerous posts on going No Contact it's no surprise this one makes the list. It can do us no good to keep one foot in the past and one in the future.
2. Getting off Facebook… at least for awhile. Seeing other's posts of their wonderful marriages (or perhaps delusions they have one) may send you either into a wallowing of self pity or retching in the toilet from jadedness. Once you're past the storm and firmly rooted (and thriving) in your new life Facebook may be more enjoyable.
3. There will be a day you are caught off guard that you're happy. That you're truly happy. It may be finding yourself giggling at something… or walking to your car after work and feeling the sun hit your face as you grip the check you earned that goes into your solo bank account… or maybe it's finding yourself humming to a song and feeling light again. Whatever it is, take joy in it… take joy that divorce didn't destroy you. That you're still here and happily thriving. You may throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your passions, your children, etc and find that life really does not just continue after a breakup but can actually become better.
4. Counting our blessings are something that comes with going through a storm and coming out the other side wiser and stronger. So often we hear that God won't give us more than we can handle… but that's simply not true. If He only gave us what we could handle we wouldn't need Him, we'd be self sufficient. Instead, no matter what happens in our life God is there with us and will guide us through… we just have to trust him despite any doubts. When we emerge out of the darkness into the light we can breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for being there with us and for everything we have.
5. Sometimes folks can find themselves addicted to people who are not good for them. Kinda like unhealthy foods, drugs or alcohol… it may be a struggle to completely cut the cord from someone who is not healthy but it's doable and so worth it. (Here is a link to a recommended book) Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, is a sign of instability, dependency and toxicity. Remember that you deserve a love that is healthy and not abusive in any way shape or form. And the alternative of having no one is way better than being with someone toxic.
6. Reflection. It is so incredibly important when it comes to your breakup, divorce, etc. Yes, your ex may be certifiably crazy, I get it. But there are things we can all reflect on that we could have done differently. Now I look back on dinners during my marriage and wonder why I went to so much effort back then. I cooked meals that were often met with: "Oh, I already ate, I had a late lunch at three, I'm not hungry." Yes, it was incredibly insensitive; there is this little invention called a phone (take note). It wasn't like I was serving spam or something… I was making baked chicken complete with Italian breadcrumbs, green beans, red potatoes and rolls with chocolate cake for dessert. If I had it to do over; I'd have just picked up ready made meals from the local high end marketplace, warmed it and said "Come and get it if you want it!" I would have shopped way less on decorative "stuff" for the house and instead when my cd player went out in the SUV just promptly driven it to the dealership and said "I need this repaired, please. Put it on my husband's credit card, thank you." We can each realize what areas we went above and beyond, what areas we personally lacked in (for me it would have been needing to take action, notwaiting for him) and where adjustments (and different reactions) needed to be made. *There is no "different or right reaction" to abuse; it's wrong, period. You didn't cause it to occur. No one can make someone else change their ways; we are each responsible for ourselves.
7. Realize that whatever you think may be in black and white terms. (Yet this can change). As women we may think to ourselves: "All men are slime. All men are no good, lying, sorry cheaters." (Men may think the same of women). I told God this on more than one occasion during my divorce process. Imagine my surprise how we can then be placed amongst people whom God uses to prove us wrong. I really think He often sits up there listening to us down here spew gibberish in the heat of frustrated hurt and anger and goes: "Oh really? Hmm, okay, we'll see." God may place new male figures in our life that are highly empathetic, caring, safe and genuinely selfless… and yes, they are so very needed and much appreciated. We can thank God for these men and women placed in our lives… whenever we begin going down a path of black and white thinking there is always someone ready to prove us wrong.
8. Cherish this time with your children if you have them in your life and they haven't been alienated from you by your ex. Pray for their continued healing and well being. Have the tough conversations and encourage openness. This is a time to connect and develop an even deeper bond than before. Time will pass as we all know much too quickly and we don't want to look back realizing not only was our children's childhood affected by their parents splitting but forever further affected by an absent parent who wouldn't/didn't spend time with them.
9. Remember the good in your relationship (if there was any) and realize that it's perfectly okay to enjoy looking back on the good memories… that they aren't a betrayer to how nasty the relationship was at times or perhaps ended. It's fine to admit that you really enjoyed that vacation to San Diego together, that he (or she) was good about making sure your vehicle's oil was changed, or that she was a good cook and maybe you miss that.
10. It's so important in going through the aftermath of a breakup to feel all of the emotions involved and to realize that just like the process of moving on after a death it's not linear… there will be ups and downs. It won't be overnight, it won't be a clean and precise upward climb but the good news is you don't have to rush it, your time line is specific to you. And the best part is once you have made it to the top of that mountain you will smile with uninhibited JOY… no amount of people from your marital past can tear you down. You have been in the pit. God was with you the whole way out… like a butterfly you've escaped the dark confines of the cocoon and now fly on the wings of freedom and renewal. You are firmly planted in your story of triumph and your journey is not over... God has given you the grace, power and strength despite all the pain and doubts to proclaim without hesitation: "I give praise and glory to God!"
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
I sat in the dim Italian restaurant, ensconced in a corner booth eating my pasta milano, a delicious myriad of sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms and roasted chicken. Music swelled in the background amongst the chatty patrons enjoying their meals. Glancing up, I took note of one of my favorite flowers, gladiolus that stood at attention on the nearby counter where waitstaff grabbed oversized glass pitchers of ice water and tea to serve refills. My friend across from me, reached for a hunk of bread to dip in the shallow bowl of olive oil graced with cracked pepper between us. It was the pinging of her iPhone that interrupted our chat and led her to excuse herself while she checked to see if it was important. It was her husband.
It was of no surprise to me.
I watched her carefully as she scrolled to view the message and seemed inconvenienced, almost irritated he was checking in with her… asking where she was.
I remembered those days.
I didn't miss them one bit.
She took the time to message him back with the details of where she was, who she was with, etc.
Meanwhile, I sat across from her chewing on my bread with no where to be and no one to answer to.
It was wonderful.
She finished replying to him and then tossed her iPhone back into her oversized bag that was the perfect summer coral hue and sighed.
"Sorry. You know the drill." She flashed me an apologetic almost overly bright smile, "Gotta do the check in… " She sighed and trailed off.
"Yeah?" I asked, concerned if something was seriously wrong.
She looked at me, her brown hair bobbing in a ponytail "He just…" she hesitated then forged forward,"He's not checked in. Oh, sure… he wants to know where I'm at. He wants to know where the remote control is. He wants to know what were having for dinner. But he's not CHECKED IN. He's not THERE. We just go through the motions, Jennifer."
Ugh, I thought to myself.
Yeah, I remember that. That's I think called death. Then I got divorced. I went through hell and came out the other side feeling alive for the first time in forever.
It's these moments that continue to crop up and make me question if there are any truly good marriages. Because as I hear more and more I see that most couples are not satisfied. Most couples are bored out of their minds. Or at least one person is. Most couples have at least one or both individuals that are looking at the exits even if they aren't acting on walking through them. Most couples have one or more people in them that are secretly looking at someone else thinking: "Wish I'd married her" or "Wish I was with him"… or "What would it be like being married to them?"
And I've been there. And it's no way to live. It's torturous hell. We may preach a good talk and say "Well, ya know… God is about chiseling you to Holy not Happy. Marriage is about bringing glory to God and serving, loving another, blah blah blah". I get it.Yes, that is all true. I've written post after post about it. YET… at the same time, if were looking at the next yard ruefully thinking it looks greener isn't that a big blinking sign something is amiss in our relationship? You can tell yourself: "I agreed to this marriage, I made vows, I will uphold them and follow through. I will work hard on my relationship and do everything I can to persevere."
Despite the hard work, the grit and the grind, sometimes that's still not enough. And yet sometimes it is. Yet sometimes no matter how "adult" and "mature" as we believe we are responding to a not so great marriage it still fails as shows the divorce statistics today. And that is without a doubt disappointing as all get out.
Watching my friend and all my other married friends engage in the whole "I have to check in with him" thing drives me to question if I could ever go back to that.
I used to value love above all else. Love and marriage. But what happens when we begin to find ourselves valuing freedom over love? In the bible love is drilled into our minds and hearts over and over again… that love is the most important of all for mankind.
Can we love without ever getting married?
Yes, of course. As Christians we (hopefully) do that everyday.
Recently a friend of mine sighed
and told me:
"I just don't want you to go through life missing out on experiencing a great marriage."
That left me stumped. I knew she meant well, she's like the most caring person ever. But I didn't know what to say. I thought… Really? Where are they? Because I can't put my finger on anyone I personally know that has a great marriage. And I'm really trying here. But I don't know anyone who does. Fact. That is frightening. Right now there are twenty people reading this huffing THEY have GREAT marriages! And maybe you do. I hope somebody truly does.
I read in the bible that there isn't marriage in Heaven.
Now, I could have let my
sarcasm slip out
and quipped to God:
"Oh that must be why you call
it Heaven, DUH!"
But I refrained…
Although He's kinda a mind reader, ya know?… mind you this is coming from me, the same person who fully expects a dessert buffet to be in Heaven with zero calories, no heartburn and an endless supply of hot fudge and sprinkles.
The Bible tells us,
“At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage;
they will be like the angels in heaven”
But once were comfortably settled in our single life … we can take comfort in several facts… just because we are feeling something negative or positive about being single, just because right ***now*** we are feeling x,y,z but in six months or a year (or maybe next week) we feel something radically different that is okay too. We don't have to subscribe to what society deems is acceptable to feel when it comes to being single… like being single is something to abhor and we need to be on a speedy quick plan (or maybe more like mission impossible) to finding someone again. We can take all the time we want or not look at all. There is nothing wrong with relishing our freedom, our single life... we're perfectly capable of loving others along the journey of life…
No matter what you're feeling while single please know that your feelings are not "bad".... they don't have to be dismissed or treated as wrong. They may be fleeting, they may be here to stay. Regardless, no matter where we are in life, single, married or dating, God wants us to come to Him as we are... we don't have to worry, we can just trust Him… He always has it figured out even if we don't.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
15 SINGLE LIFE & DATING FACTS:
IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY TO:
1. Be scared or hesitant to commit again.
2. Have doubts about being in love again.
3. Take the time to trust your instincts.
4. Not trust anyone until they have proved they are trustworthy.
5. Look to others actions not words.
6. Not want to date… or to think "what if?"
7. Expect your questions to be answered with transparency and ease.
8. Not want to be vulnerable… or wanting to want to be vulnerable.
9. Be completely off marriage and decide to remain celibate.
10. Overanalyze everything he does to make sure he's not a psycho.
11. Take him to meet with your therapist to ensure he's not a psycho.
12. Read plenty of books on what a healthy relationship looks like.
13. See your therapist weekly, monthly, etc to discuss what a healthy relationship looks like.
14. Expect him to prove he's not like the other jerks you've been with.
15. Put up walls and need someone to be understanding.