May 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

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It was Friday evening… my daughter was back and I was looking forward to us spending time together. Her brightly hued tennis shoes sat by the front door where she had taken them off and hung her jean jacket. Dressed in dark leggings and a t-shirt with her school logo on it her beach blonde waves bounced around her face as she happily jumped up and down…

"I'm so glad to be back!" She exclaimed and I leaned down to hug her and caught a whiff of strawberry scented shampoo.

"I'm glad you're here! I have missed you. We have lots to catch up on." I smiled, my brown-green eyes sparkling at her.

I asked her if pancakes sounded good for dinner and she nodded enthusiastically. As we headed in the kitchen to retrieve syrup from the fridge along with eggs and milk to add to the Bisquick I spoke…

"So, hey… "I said as I grabbed a stainless steel mixing bowl off an open upper shelf "I wanted to ask you… I sent you a text every night this week at bedtime telling you goodnight. Did you get them?" I asked her.

She furrowed her brows and took a seat on the turquoise metal folding chair at the kitchen table nearby, watching me slowly pour Bisquick into a glass measuring cup.

"Nuh, uh… "She shook her head, meaning no. She tucked her hair behind her ears and then snapped the hair rubber band off her wrist to pull her hair into a ponytail instead. "I didn't get them. Daddy must be blocking your texts on my phone." She informed me. Thunder began rumbling in the distance to the west… severe thunderstorms were headed in our direction, warnings of more rain, heavy winds and possible flooding were possible as the weather channel gave us continual updates.

"Hmmm…" I replied as I cracked an egg and added it to the mixing bowl. "Have you talked to him about this? Because this isn't the first time this has happened. This is an ongoing thing." I told her.

"I have…" She sighed "But he always tells me stuff like well, your mother's phone must not be working… or it must be an internet problem… or something like that. He just lies." She shrugged.

"How does that make you feel? When he does that?" I asked her.

"Mad… " She replied in a dejected tone that pretty much implied she was beyond over him not being the parent he needed to be. Her tone conveyed it all. I could hardly blame her.

"You could just tell him that you know he's blocking the texts and call him on his behavior." I pointed out…  "You could tell him that you know what he's doing and you don't agree with him blocking your texts. I don't block his communication. He can call you anytime he wants on my phone… which he does."

"Because he'll get mad." She told me. Lightning flashed outside and the sky thundered.

"So? So what? He gets mad. " I shrugged.  "You're not responsible for how he feels." I pointed out. "You have a right to receive communication from the other parent… whoever you're with. He's the adult. You're the child and you shouldn't have to worry about whether he's mad or upset or whatever. You should be able to respectfully tell him that you know what he's doing, that he is overstepping one of your rights, one of your needs and you don't have to put up with it, period. You are a person not a piece of property." I told her, fed up with his manipulative childish shenanigans.

"I know!" She agreed "But he will get mad at me and yell at me!" She wailed.

"What's the worst thing that could happen?" I asked her, "If you stood up to him?"

"He could take my phone away and then I won't have any way to call you! Which hewould do!" She exclaimed.

I exhaled and slowly poured some batter onto the hot skillet where it sizzled and began to set up… I set the bowl down and went to sit beside her in my knee length black leggings and oversized faded t-shirt. I slipped a bobby pin out of my hair re-adjusting it to hold the messy bun in place on my head... "You know what? It's important that you know how to set boundaries with people… regardless of whether they are family or not. Because there will be people in life who try to overstep what you want, what you need and just do what they want… learning to speak up for yourself is an important life skill sweet pea…" I explained to her gently… "It's not easy, but sometimes we have to do it. All of us, even grownups." We sat together and then I spoke "He is your dad. You must be respectful. Always. But you do have a right to speak up for what you need. The thing is… I get it that you don't want to do it. I understand that is where you're at right now… and in a way… that is totally okay. You're where you are and what you're comfortable with at this time. But it's so important to at least start thinking about what you could say… what you would say… just think about it, okay?" I asked her and gave her a hug.


For a narcissistic sociopath it is completely possible for them to do everything in their power to make you pay for breaking it off and yet he (or she) can appear completely innocent to the untrained eye of others.

The narcissistic sociopath is many things… he (or she) is someone who seeks image and materialism over giving and charity, ego over others, bragging over humbleness and more. But what the narcissistic sociopath truly loves, what he (or she) truly lives for is….

PUNISHING 

Ah, yes… the punisher.

When we break up with or divorce a narcissistic sociopath we erroneously believe that we are bringing the toxicity that we have endured for whatever length of time to an end. And in many ways we are… it's such a blessing as anyone knows who has lived with a crazy-maker to finally pull away from the driveway for one last time and sigh "That's behind me, thank God…. on to the new chapter." It's truth for anyone who has signed the divorce papers and said a prayer of thankfulness for having gotten out alive… it's sweet reality for the one who thankfully never has to bar the door again from the psycho they married because they are scared for their life… or not having to recoil from hurtful words anymore… or even worse nurse bruises or wounds from physical abuse… yes, when the ending finally arrives and the new chapter starts it is so incredibly freeing… but in some ways… especially where children are involved… the hell has just begun when we say "Goodbye".

Because the children become PAWNS. The children become the INSTRUMENT used to punish you. and yes… it works… it does punish you. Because one, it hurts you to see your children suffer. Because two, it frustrates you to no end to have to "deal" with the continuing crazy that the narc wields. But at the end of the day… it's your children that truly suffer… they are the ones who are truly punished.

How does he (or she) use the children as pawns?
In what ways does the narcissistic sociopath punish?

Let's count the ways… there are so many… here are a few.

1. They block communication via phone, FaceTime, Skype, etc. They block texts, calls, etc.
2. They don't send back the children's medication, clothes, toys etc on exchange day.
3. They don't send you a health insurance card for the children.
4. They don't let you know about school plays, swim lessons, soccer games, doctor appts, etc.
5. They don't pay child support or it's always late.
6. They interrupt your phone calls or just hang up in the middle of your conversation.
7. They don't include your name in the school phone directory.
8. They don't include your information on the emergency card at the school.
9. They become involved way too soon with someone new and demand your child calls him or her mom/dad.
10. They grill your child about where you work, who you're dating, etc.
11. They keep trying to change the child custody schedule as they see fit and demand you agree or you won't see your children.
12. They keep threatening to seek full custody of the children.
13. They reply "Take me to court if you don't like it" when you voice reasonable dislike over their negative behavior.
14. They continue to bad mouth you to the children because you won't allow them to have the phone they (the narc) purchased for them in your home… because in reality you know it's likely bugged.
15. They take away anything you send with your child on exchange day and it mysteriously "disappears"… whether it's just personal hygiene items like deodorant or precious stuffed animals, gifts etc.

© gracepowerstrength.com 2015

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​In 2014 a thirty nine year old Texas man was punched out for bravely standing up to a group of men who were cat-calling women from their vehicle. Upon him telling the men something to the effect of "hey, watch what you're saying…" one leaped from the vehicle and punched him in the face sending him to the concrete where he lay unconscious, awaiting medical help. This isn't the first time that men behaving badly toward women has ended in violence nor sadly likely the last.

This past Saturday after a gloriously fun day of sunshine, floats, Irish music, snow cones, barbecue and southern potato salad, my daughter and I left the St. Patrick's Day parade we had attended and pulled into a gas station en-route home. As I exited the gas station a man entering spoke to me "Hey, what's up baby doll! How you doin?" Disgust rose within me and I instinctively wanted to respond, to lash out, as I thought to myself… Hey, Neanderthal, how would you like my knee to meet up with your testicles? But, no, I bit my Irish tongue. I ignored the comment and continued on, him emitting a low guttural sound of indignant ego-centric injury; bewildered I wasn't enthralled with what he believed to be a splendid choice of words. As women we may be blamed for these scenarios. Some may ask "Well, what were you wearing?" or think "Well, you're too sensitive, it could be viewed as a compliment, maybe you need to lighten up."

But the truth is… none of those responses apply, as women shouldn't be made to feel as though they are the ones with the issue.

It's really no different in the aftermath of a breakup. Some may tend to shift blame to the wrong person.

A couple weeks ago I met a friend for lunch and after her sharing the updates of her life I shared the good news I had a new job, that I enjoyed my work, liked my boss and found my co-workers delightful to work with. I explained that post divorce I had at times been beating myself up for the fact I hadn't had a career during my marriage. I had worked part time here or there but for the most part as a whole I had primarily been a stay at home mom. After marrying and starting a family I had wanted to be at home with my children, especially when they were young at least… I had wanted to give them that stability and enjoy their childhood. But then post divorce I found myself occasionally thinking if only I had worked, if only I had done this, if only I had done that… I'd be further ahead, I'd be financially set, I wouldn't be focused so much on bills, savings and retirement.

But as I did that… I realized it was fine to acknowledge I could have done things differently and even to say I wouldn't make the same choices in the future, but not in taking on more blame where I shouldn't.

In a self-imposed blame game we may attempt to act as the aid, the salve, the repairman, or woman, to an ex's poor behavior. Maybe we find ourselves thinking: "Well, if I'd done x, y, z, I wouldn't be in such a mess… if I'd done THIS or THAT it would have offset his or her screw up aka infidelity." But we cannot make someone behave. We are then subscribing to the false idea we can control someone else's actions.

Like those guys who were cat-calling and the guy at the gas station sometimes people truly are to blame for poor behavior and less than swell circumstances. Yet they may or may not take responsibility for their poor choices. In hindsight we can all take responsibility for where we could have done better whether it be in our marriages, friendships, even our parenting. The problems begin when blame starts getting shifted to others, when people won't own up to their part in a situation. Or alternatively issues start when we begin blaming ourselves for something instead of having a balanced and healthy view of it or merely our hand in it amongst others contribution.

No matter what your marriage was like; no matter how amicable or even "War of the Roses-like" your divorce was… there are lessons to be taken from it. One of those lessons is learning to give yourself grace. Not an excuse for bad behavior but yes, please don't beat yourself up with all the coulda woulda shoulda's post relationship. It may be tempting to go there but at the end of the day give yourself sweet, sweet grace.

It's never wise nor healthy to take on the role of the victim in our failed relationships. It deems us powerless in our past where we had choices but either refused to make them or simply naively believed, hoped, that a grossly dysfunctional situation would get better. Both men and women are capable of being married to narcissistic, sociopathic people… those who marry them are without a doubt targets… but we don't have to sign the dotted line as a victim nor a target for infinity. We each have the ability to move on, to take responsibility for our portion and then rebuild our life to reflect that blessed insight.

Taking responsibility post divorce for what areas we could have done better in, even what we would do differently if in a new relationship, takes clarity, maturity and wisdom. In life we can learn from our past and forge forward with more information to make better choices in the next chapter(s) to come. In taking responsibility we need to be cautious in how much we are assuming… are we accepting the whole pie as ours when it burned up? Or are we accepting responsibility for a quarter of it? Or half? What was your role in it burning to a crisp? Do you even have one? Don't accept the entire pie as yours if portions of it truly belong on someone else's plate.

If you grew up as the black sheep, the scapegoat in a family where a narcissist was the head of the flock and always found fault with you… then you may have grown up in a pattern of being told you were the sole cause for x,y,z to happen… even if that wasn't reality. It's never too late to say "No" to that unhealthy pattern, even years later and reclaim your life… you don't have to accept blame and gross responsibility from others where it doesn't apply… instead you can subscribe to a new outlook, one of clear, concise objectivity… 


And like the pie just accept the slice(s) that belong to you.

© gracepowerstrength.com  2015

​
7 Steps To Release Blame:

1. Acknowledge your anger
2. Talk about why you're angry; with either a trusted therapist, friend or pastor
3. Use your anger in a healthy way; start a new project, hobby, career, workout routine/class, volunteer, write/journal, find ways to channel that anger into something positive and life changing.
4. Acknowledge any fears you may have; are you afraid you will never find someone and live a life all alone? Are you clinging to blame out of the fear of failing financially? Maybe a general fear of the unknown future?
5. Can you make a list of what you did right in your relationship? What things could you have done differently?
6. Acknowledge any improvements in your new life; there have to be some no matter how small. Celebrate those and think of how to add more.
7. Focus on each of your daily choices because you are in the drivers seat; are you reaching for the Ben n Jerry's when a run might be more beneficial? Is isolation really better than meeting up with friends? Being aware of our daily actions can dictate if we spring back from a divorce or stay stuck in the pain of the past.

May 2015 

names have been omitted or changed in this post 

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In tall boots, gray skinny jeans and a light chambray top I headed across the parking lot toward the local hardware store. The sun was shielded from my face with a camouflage baseball cap and sunglasses as I passed numerous shoppers leaving with tools they needed for various weekend projects. I headed inside through the double doors that automatically opened and made my way past the displays of yard knick knacks, garden benches and watering cans. At the back was a small counter with a window where keys were ordered and custom made. I waited patiently at the counter for someone to show up and soon noticed a built red haired guy with a beard approaching. He said his name was Jon, smiled and asked if I needed some help. Thank God for Jon, I thought noticing how masculine he was and then blushing that I had taken note. I went on to explain how the past set of severe thunderstorms had partially knocked out my electricity in my kitchen… the outlets weren't working nor was the dishwasher… but everything else was fine. I further explained to him I needed to access my breaker box to check it out but… and then rolled my eyes… because SOMEONE had lost the key to the darn thing… IMAGINE THAT… that someone being ME of course and I needed it unlocked.

He chuckled appreciatively with twinkling eyes but then admitted "Man, you are in a pickle."

"I know… so I thought I'd stop in and see if you had any ideas. I need the lock cut off. I don't want to have to call a locksmith unless I absolutely have to, you know? Would bolt cutters work to cut it off?" I asked him.

He gazed at me with empathy and replied "Yeah… but honestly… " He trailed off then was straight with me "They would work… and I don't want to you take offense to this but… I don't know that you will be strong enough to use them… I mean, it's going to take A LOT of strength and force to cut through that lock." He explained.

I nodded "No offense taken. I kinda figured that but wanted to check." I sighed. Ugh, I thought.

He nodded and softly asked "Do you have anybody to help you? A husband? Boyfriend? Any guy?"

Silence. All my life it had meant being indebted to be helped. I'd pay a locksmith to do it… paying people meant no "I owe you's".

"No, I don't… " I exhaled "I just have an ex that would relish the fact this has happened." I replied with a grimace.

He chuckled then nodded ruefully "Ah, I hear ya! I have several crazy exes. Well… " He trailed off… "I don't mind selling you the bolt cutters if you really want to try them… but honestly, I would call the locksmith." He advised.

I nodded, appreciating his help and honesty, graciously thanked him and departed.

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It's no doubt we sometimes miss being married. We may miss having a partner who listens to our woes at work, who graciously lets us vent to them after a long and particularly trying day with the kids. Marriage means we have someone at the ready with chicken noodle soup when we are sick with a cold or the flu… it means we have an "emergency buddy system" built in… if we need to go to the hospital there is a person who loves us ready to bundle us up and haul butt to the emergency room. Being married means we thankfully have someone to help us with our resume and all the nuances that go with it… should I include this or omit that? Can you please proofread it? Being married means we have someone to look forward to vacations with and plan ahead… to take photos with and splash in the ocean with… to try new foods and kiss under the setting sun… to buy the kitschy matching t-shirts, sweatshirts and glasses from Hard Rock Cafe and not care that yes it's cheesy. Being married means cooking that special persons favorite meal and surprising them with it… extending, sharing all the love we have to give with someone we thank God for everyday. Marriage is maybe being sarcastic one minute, finding humor in difficulty and kissing the next… marriage is a culmination of so many sweet moments scattered in the hard, in the challenging and the everyday and ordinary.


Yes, we may miss all these things about marriage and more… no doubt, that is perfectly reasonable and expected... because there are aspects of marriage that are great. The truth is… we wouldn't be divorced if there hadn't been some serious issues in our marriage that far outweighed the positives. We'd still be there, side by side, bickering over who has more of the blanket and whether the temperature is too hot or too cold… but likely the issues in our marital relationship were far more glaring and serious than that.

I look back on my own marriage and see tiny nuggets of good memories here and there. I see comforting hugs when he arrived home from work, I see a man who up until things began unraveling in the last year or two who would fetch anything I desired for dinner if I didn't feel well or cooking was out of the question due to hectic schedules. I see many times where I prepared homemade lasagna for him because he loved it and basked in his praises and enjoyment of it. I see a man who somehow despite wanting to pull his hair out and claw his seat in frustrated terror taught me to drive and took me car shopping when we dated. I see myself cheering on his accomplishments as he worked his way from the bottom up. I see road trips filled with fun memories like basking in the glorious beauty of the California coastline and sharing delight over playful dolphins along our boat-rides in Florida. Positive memories we've shared exist, yes, they do.

I find myself looking back and seeing two people in him. Two polar opposite sides based on his behavior. I miss the opposite of the evil obviously. I miss the person I thought had my best interests and at times appeared to. I miss the person who at first glance seemed utterly devoted and enamored. I miss the person whom I wrongly believed I could share all my quirks and anxieties with. I miss the man who I thought I could let in my heart. 

But reality is that there is the other side, the side that is checked out, that doesn't want to be bothered because you're inconveniencing him with a request, conversation or just some attention. There is the shut down of your valid worries with a "it's fine!" and walking off. There is the constant influx of his mothers presence in the marriage... despite your verbal protests he shuts down and says no one will criticize his mother's presence. It's ironic as your own mother kept her distance due to his obvious disdain for her. Everything is negotiated with the dark side that creeps out... everything is "let's make a deal" because he does nothing "just to be nice"... like cattle you've been bought and each and every day you must pay up. He values his home, cars and self perceived status as more important than human life. 

The truth of the matter is: when we miss a narcissist or narcissistic sociopath we aren't missing who they really are. We are missing the facade, the fake, the phony one.

It's like missing the devil 
when he isn't beating us and 
is acting like an angel 
the rest of the time. 

We are missing who we thought they were, who they portrayed themselves to be long enough to snag us like a coveted tea pot. We are missing who they fell back into character as… when we began to show any displeasure, strength and independence that we might just up and jump ship. Like a fish he (or she) had to reel us back in with glimpses of good. 

It's okay to miss who you thought they were. 
Who they pretended to be. 
Just remember that's what it was… pretend. 

Who he REALLY is? He's the person who grabbed you inappropriately and sneered your vagina belongs to him. He's the person who expected sex when you had a 104 fever and felt like death. He's the person who told you yes, he'd be happy to help hang that heavy picture in the dining room... if you have sex with him first. He's the person who despite knowing you were raped told you via email that he will lie to your daughter that you prostituted yourself just to have a roof over your head. He's the person who left you on your own when you had a serious illness to navigate. He's the person who allowed his sister to call you a five letter word that ryhmes with witch in front of his entire extended family and your children at Thanksgiving because you worked at your family business and per her opinion didn't have a "real job". He's the person who gleefully enjoyed all the nude pictures of women his best friend sent him and was irritated when you were disgusted by him and told him to not ever do that again. He's the person who had no use for church, for God or leading his family in love and biblical teaching. 

That's the REAL person you married. 

And thankfully he's the person you're now divorced from. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 201