names have been omitted in this post
We sat in my SUV with our seats reclined… the sunroof opened to the night sky… stars twinkled overhead and the evening breeze swept through our shared space. The silence between us albeit the radio playing softly was comfortable and not one that had to be filled with unnecessary chit chat for filler but instead were like long thoughtful pauses that loosely strung one beautiful expression to another. Our stomachs were full from a quick impromtu dinner at IHOP…we shared a love for breakfast and deep conversations… we held no filters and could talk for hours about any subject… it was both liberating and comforting.
"You remember how you told me sex was one sided with him?" He asked me referring to my ex… "How it was about what he wanted? Not about pleasing you?"
I nodded "Yeah…"
He glanced over at me with care. "It got me to thinking. You know you deserve better, right? You know whoever you're with should want to do that for you… to please you?" He asked me.
"Yeah…" I replied. "I know that now… and to be fair initially in the beginning of our marriage he initiated oral sex… but it wasn't comfortable. Call it inexperience or being asthmatic but it was more like a wind tunnel experience than pleasurable."I grimaced. "I just said forget it. I didn't have the patience at least back then for him to figure it out… but looking back now…" I reflected… "Now I realize the other part of it… I didn't want him to. I kept myself closed off to some extent… when someone is always "checking out the menu" when you're out in public, when someone doesn't pay the taxes for three years and you have the IRS tailing you, when you have someone who they've chosen as their best friend that actually had the audacity to say "The worse you treat women the more they want you"… Um, yeah… you just don't really want to be vulnerable with that person." I shook my head. "Why would you feel safe letting them see you at one of your most private and vulnerable moments? How can you feel safe and loved to allow them to bring you to orgasm? You don't. So you close yourself off." I fiddled with my ring of an eagles head on my right hand, twirling it… "So you go without…" I shrugged, my words trailing into silence but within me feeling the grief of more than a decade of being cheated out of the physical connection I'd missed out on. It was bewildering that so much time had passed and so much of what could have been was lost. Lyrics to a song playing ever so softly filtered through the interior, the trees nearby rustling in the breeze, ruffling my hair….
"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence…"
"The Sound Of Silence" - Disturbed
(originally by Simon & Garfunkel)
Silence… the kind that divides, the kind where there is a lack of understanding and communication… the kind that makes people feel alone. Like a cancer, that kind of silence slowly worsens and grows into an incurable disease between husband and wife. Before long… you realize that you're in a relationship with someone who is incapable of love and emotionally inept. Someone who is incapable of making you feel treasured. Who is incapable of satisfying you physically. You realize you've wasted years… years on end with someone who was in it for themselves… and you feel jipped. You long for what you never got with someone who will love you with their whole heart, body and soul… and for now it only exists in your dreams.
"Yeah…" He nodded. "I can see that. You shouldn't settle. The guy should want to make you happy, to please you and figure out what he needs to do to do that. He shouldn't be just focused on himself. He should be a giver… because if he's pleasing you… he will be pleased." He shrugged… "That's just the way it works." He said simply.
"You are such the sexpert…" I giggled, playfully swatting his arm. "You should write a book."
He grinned. "I'm working on one. Hey… I'm no saint. I've been around the block a few times. But I can tell you I want the next woman, my wife, to be my last. And pleasing her is not just my job but my pleasure." He glanced at the time on the clock… "What time do you need to get back?"
I glanced at the time. "I better get going. I promised my mom I'd be home soon. Were gonna watch a Hallmark movie." I smiled.
He nodded, smiled and opened his door, slipping out. Holding the passenger door open a crack he spoke. "Enjoy your movie… IHOP again?" He asked, his eyes twinkling in the dark at me.
I nodded. "Most definitely. I'll text you." I told him.
"Okay… bye, beautiful" He smiled and shut the door. I turned the key in the ignition and watched him walk away in the moonlight to his vehicle before I drove away.
Sex with a narcissistic sociopath is one-sided no doubt. It's not about a mutually satisfying emotional, physical and even spiritual connection with someone they love. A man or woman with a personality disorder views sex as all about them.
When someone is healthy they not only value their partner but they value wanting to please them, value wanting to find out what makes them tick, what satisfies, what is romantic, what is a turn on for them. Both partners should have respect for one another… intimacy cannot grow and thrive without it. Complete trust and and open honest communication is a must as well… being able to articulate exactly what you need is essential for couples to have the intimacy they have imagined having one day with the one they love. Holding back desires and needs, faking climax and the like are not conducive to having a close, intimate relationship that bonds two together.
Sadly, very often with a narcissistic sociopath the sound of silence in the bedroom is loud and clear, impossible to ignore.
The reason for this is due to the inability to effectively get what one needs from a personality disordered individual. You can say "I need x,y,z…" all night long but he or she isn't going to be willing to deliver. He or she will complain that "it takes too long, "takes too much effort", whatever myriad of excuses they can come up with. There isn't love emanating from the narc for the one their with. Instead it's a seeking of domination…. a sexual conquest powered by their ego needing a boost or even yikes (!) a quick way to release all their days, weeks, lifetime worth of frustrations and stress by using you. It's not about making love as God designed between a married man and woman. It's about control and only them. If you find yourself in a marriage where your partner (man or woman) is only about satisfying themselves and you're continually going without… at minimum new ways of communicating need to begin taking place. However, if you a woman experiencing signs of being with a narcissistic man or you're a man who suspects he may be married to a narcissisticwoman… it's time to seek help… through a therapist you can begin developing an exit plan.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016
names have been omitted in this post
"Daddy and I went to Target the other day…" my daughter told me. She was sitting on her tiny flowered stool I'd bought her at Homegoods. Sitting at the coffee table in the den she was busy coloring a picture with crayon's on white printer paper.
I sat across from her in a chair… the television's volume low in the background… the weather segment was on… I glanced over at her, setting aside my glass of ice water on a coaster and closed a box of cheese crackers.
"Yeah? That's good." I stated.
"Yeah… she said as she intently studied her artistic masterpiece she was working on… "He said to me… "I hope we don't see Mommy in here… because she hates me"."
"He said that to you?" Inside I was incredulous but kept my tone even and calm despite the shock within.
I was thinking to myself how it was so twisted that he was speaking for me and how I supposedly felt… painting himself again as the victim, assuming zero responsibility for his poor behavior and of all things putting all of it upon our eight year old daughter's shoulders… when in reality he needed to keep his mouth quiet. This was a time when his words fell into the category of "what not to say to your kids."
"Yep!" she quipped back and paused, carefully selecting the next crayon she wanted from the box… magenta was selected next and she used it to color the dresses she'd drawn on her stick figures.
"Hmmm… that is a pretty strong word to use… hate… I believe we can not like how someone acts, we can hate their behavior and it makes us so mad we feel like we hate them, especially at first, but after some time goes by we feel better." I sat in thought for a few and finally asked her "So, how did you feel about that? What he said?" I asked her, watching her face intently.
She looked up at me and spoke "It made me feel mad…"
"Yeah… well… did you tell him how you felt?" I ventured… wondering, hoping she felt that she could share her feelings with him…. no matter how he felt about them.
"Oh, no… " she shook her blonde head now looking back down at her picture in progress… her hair partially hiding her face from me.
"Why not, sweet pea?" I asked her gently.
"Because… I can't do that… tell him how I feel. He would get mad." she admitted with her hair still hiding her little face… it was easier for her to share her hurt heart hidden behind a curtain of beachy waves… and as I heard her words my heart ached for her… she was shrinking out of fear… out of possibly yet predictably being scolded by him for speaking her truthful observations. And that… that was just poo through and through. She then paused coloring and looked up at me… right in the eyes and vehemently spoke "But inside… inside my head I was thinking… well, you shouldn't have cheated and you should act nicer too."
Stunned, I searched for words… but couldn't find any… she continued coloring and in the background the weather switched to sports so I rose to turn it off. Then I leaned down and gave her a big bear hug… "I'm glad you felt you could tell me about this. I hope you can always talk to me about anything. I love you." I told her.
In 2001 Judge Michael Haas wrote a letter to divorced parents in reference to their children that has since made it's path all over social media… maybe you have read it.
By Judge Michael Haas - 2001
“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.
No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.
That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.
I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”
When Dysfunction Is Known By The Children….
Growing up I saw how my father treated my mother, really all of us… and it deeply, profoundly affected me. He was of the belief that by opening her car door for her he was a good husband. But that naturally didn't make up for all the ranting, the stomping through the house, the cussing, the screaming, taking the Lord's name in vain, the slamming of doors, the mug throwing, the iron clad control, the tires squealing out of the driveway… him defending his parents and determinedly not backing down off that mountaintop… work always taking first priority…. the house falling into ruins due to neglect and lack of care despite money being readily available to fund art collections or hoarding as more aptly named… it was a crazy train of dysfunctional abuse that needed to come to a screeching halt… and I was keenly aware of it all.
Despite Judge Haas's letter of obvious good intentions but what I see as a partially erroneous view… not once during my childhood did I see myself as "bad" based on my father's behavior. I didn't look at him and feel self-shame for his behavior. His behavior was his own, as mine was my own… I knew we were separate and I certainly didn't take on any responsibility for his actions whether they were good or bad.
You Are Not Your Parents….
Perhaps some children go through a dysfunctional childhood and do internalize their parents actions… maybe they did see themselves as flawed due to dad's alcoholism or mom's infidelities… perhaps they felt deep shame within based on their parents flawed choices that negatively affected their entire family unit… and if that is true… my heart goes out to you… because it is so incredibly important for you to know if no one has ever told you before now that you are not your parents… you are not their poor choices, their regrets, their dreams, their failures nor even their triumphs… you are you and no one else.
So, today… I give you encouragement… to cling to… to remember that just because maybe your dad cheated, or your mom slept with her boss or your parents drank… just because they fought like crazy and their arguments left you hiding in a closet scared… just because they divorced and left behind a zillion bad memories in their wake doesn't make you a bad person… it's no reflection on you… it's not your fault… yes, they shouldn't have cheated… it could be argued they shouldn't have acted so poorly… maybe they could have been nicer… and maybe on some days they were nicer… maybe your birthday and Christmas were the only "good" days from your childhood you can recall, when everyone kept it together for the sake of the holiday… or maybe those ended poorly too…
Regardless… you don't have to subscribe to the notion that their choices define you… that's so far from the truth… the truth is… you are loved by God… you are His… you had His stamp of love from day one… even before you were born…
Your parents may have made lousy choices but you weren't one.
You are wonderfully made and His.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014
5 Tips For Married & Divorced Parents:
1. Your children are individuals. They are not possessions to be awarded, won, etc. The parent who treats them as tangible items comparable to being won in an auction are merely playing a game of manipulation and parental alienation.
2. Don't tell your children that your spouse/ex hates you. More than likely your ex hates your behavior. Likely they would love nothing more than for you to stop engaging in manipulative ploys to gain allegiance with the children and instead spend that same amount of time and energy into merely loving them.
3. Your children have a right to not like your choices. There is not a single handbook that states that they are in the wrong if they don't agree with what you've done. We can teach our children to respect their elders and authority but they don't have to like their behavior and as they grow older they can learn they have the right to boundaries with anyone they believe to be toxic.
4. You can think that your spouse/ex is an "idiot" all you want… but you can't verbalize it or intimate it.
5. If you don't know what to say to your child the best default "go to" response is always: "I'm glad you felt you could share that with me. I hope you can always tell me anything. I love you." Because at the end of the day part of parenting is teaching our children that all feelings are okay… (albeit, actions made from those feelings may be questionable as we know)… but when they feel something they should also feel like they can go to us… and when they do, that is a parent-child victory.
With so many posts on narcissists and sociopaths it's only fitting that at some point the general rudeness and self-entitlement that is seen in today's society be addressed. Especially when it comes to the world of retail. Having any job that involves customer service may very well mean also being exposed to a variety of toxic behaviors by those who believe themselves to be superior on some level or another. In case you're not aware you're not any better than the person standing behind the register, taking your food order or helping you with your account. One of the biggest signs of sociopathy is treating those in the service industry as less than; with behaviors that demean and show dismissiveness. (If you're dating someone who exhibits these behaviors it's past time to cut ties with them). Hopefully you won't realize you've been guilty of any of these… if so you have the ability to become more self aware… and if you've been on the receiving end of any… you have my deepest and sincerest heartfelt empathy.
What Your Cashier Thinks:
1. Please finish all of your shopping before you check out. It's rude to expect everyone in line (and the cashier) to wait while you play "I pick you" amongst the various items in your cart at the checkout. That's why shopping is called shopping and checking out is called checking out.
2. Having to void an item out that you've changed your mind about can be a big deal. It can go against the employee. Please know exactly what you plan to purchase before your cashier begins ringing up your items.
3. Rolling up with a hundred dollar bill at 9 am for a three dollar purchase is not cool. And no, your cashier likely doesn't have change in the register drawer. Expect to wait for your change.
4. You chronically return everything you buy… or 80-90% of what you buy. Your cashier is not amused. They think you're inept at shopping… and you shop too much. Find a new hobby.
5. Cashiers love it when you bring your own bags… it saves the environment. Just please make sure they are clean.
6. Not everything you purchase should be returned. That platter for your sister's baby shower you served cup cakes on and has frosting stuck to it? If you've used it and then you return it… that's called stealing(!). Cashiers notice. And remember you.
7. Returning a used toilet bowl brush set? Really? Does this need further explanation?
8. Don't ask when your cashiers shift ends. Don't be a creep.
9. Don't flirt with the cashier if you're married. Don't flirt period.
10. When your cashier greets you and asks how you're doing and you ignore them... you're rude.
11. When you stay on your cell phone during the entire transaction and never acknowledge your cashier (note: cashiers are humans with feelings... shocking, I know) they think you're some of the lowest of society.
12. When your cashier asks if you found everything alright, offers a promotional item, a credit card or savings card please don't be rude. This is often expected at every transaction by management and if they don't meet the expected quota they can lose their job.
13. Please teach your children to stay seated in the cart. When your child attempts to leap from the cart, hang out like a monkey, etc… it makes cashiers extremely nervous. Yes, kids do fall from shopping carts. It's scary.
14. If your cashier offers a cookie, a ring, sticker, etc to your child please teach them to say "Thank you". When you don't cashiers see a continual future decline of society.
15. Do not wipe your drippy nose with your hands, tissue etc and then reach in your wallet to hand them cash. You're gross. Period.
16. Do not sneeze or cough on the cashier. This is about basic manners. Use the crook of your arm to sneeze and cough into and turn your head away. They don't want your cold.
17. Don't leave your shopping cart at the register when you leave. Your parents should have taught you to put things back where you got them. Learn it now. Follow it.
18. Do not give your children items in the store to play with that are for sale. You're failing your kids (teaching self-entitlement) and costing everyone money when it gets damaged. Bring something from home for them to entertain themselves with.
19. Do not crowd the person at the checkout. It's rude to both the person checking out and the cashier who then feels pressured to hurry more. Be mindful of other's space.
20. If you don't want your items wrapped and bagged that's fine. But if they break don't blame your cashier.
21. When your cashier is going to the effort to ensure all your items are wrapped well please refrain from sighing, tapping your fingers, rolling your eyes and checking the time on your watch. It's rude.
22. Please don't ever say: "I don't know how you don't spend all of your paycheck here! There are so many cute things!" You just dropped $50-$1500 on decorative stuff, clothes, bath products, etc. Cashiers are likely making $9 an hour… at part-time that's at most $200 a week (if lucky). How much of that do you think they are gonna blow on frivolous shopping? Your "innocent" comment is rude and insensitive. It's time to get a clue and come on down to earth. Cashiers are often the divorced mom, single mother, second income earner… be aware that likely every penny counts.
23. Cashiers want you to have a good experience when you shop. Please do the survey on your receipt and let them know you appreciate them. Many companies give extra perks whether it's gift cards, bonuses, lunch, etc to reward their employees for positive feedback. It's always appreciated.
24. Some companies occasionally ask their customers to donate to charities they are supporting. Cashiers understand if you feel charity should be done at discretion and not publicly or announced. They can see your point but please don't take it out on the cashier… cashiers are expected to ask each and every customer.
25. Do not toss your credit card at the cashier. Or your money. Be respectful.
26. Cashiers run a register not a bank. They typically cannot make change for you.
27. Cashiers are not responsible for watching your purse, wallet, sunglasses, kids, keys, phone etc. When you walk away it's your responsibility to make sure you have all your things and peeps.
28. Your item doesn't have a price, doesn't ring up properly or at all. You: "It's free then!" Eye roll. Cashiers have already heard that one twenty times in one week. It lost it's humor way back.
29. The cashier offers you the opportunity to apply for a store credit card. You say: "Oh no! My husband would KILL me!!" (cashiers hear this all the time) Um... okay. Awkward. This response needs to stop. First, if you're in a controlling marriage please seek help. Being a kept woman is not attractive nor sending your sons and daughters a positive message. This is 2016. Secondly, women need to stop saying things that are not self-empowering. Your husband is not your keeper. You're a grown adult. Not a dependent child. If YOU don't want a credit card simply state so. If you're in a relationship where your husband resembles an ogre, again... please seek help.
30. When your cashier has bagged your items please promptly take them and put them in your cart. Letting the bag remain on the counter (in the way) while they try to finish bagging remaining items and/or wrap them is annoying to the cashier. Be in the moment. The sooner your cashier can finish the sooner you can be on your way.
31. Your cashier is there to greet you, ring up your items, wrap them if necessary, bag them, ensure you get your receipt and thank you. It's a pretty simple process. Niceties are a necessity yes, but also efficiency. Likely they have a line of customers waiting... and don't have the time to hear your life story.
32. You have multiple returns with multiple receipts. And guess what? You don't know which items go with which receipts. Way to go! You hand the cashier a whole mess of crumpled receipts and expect them to sort it all out. (You don't even want to know your cashiers mental narrative in this moment). This takes time away from the other customers; namely, paying customers. Your self-entitlement is glaringly obvious. Sort out your mess at home and be prepared when you make returns.
33. There is a difference between a breezy/friendly asking of "How are you?" to your cashier and a "How are you?" with a tone attached that implies you're picking a fight and want to cause trouble. Move along and get a life.
34. Your cashier hands you your receipt at the end of the transaction and you don't take it. Take the receipt! If you want it in your shopping bag take it from the cashier and put it in your bag. Alternatively you SNATCH(!) the receipt from the cashier because you're a passive aggressive creep.
35. If you're a woman shopping with your husband and he expects the female staff to load a heavy piece of furniture into his truck... news flash; you're married to a pathetic piece of scum. That's not a man. A man steps up and puts his muscles to work!
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016