He's so good.
He's so good at being bad.
"I don't care what you think
unless it is about me"
- Kurt Cobain
"Even the best of states
have serious flaws.
The best solution is you take
someone who has
been identified as a sociopath
and you lock him
up forever because by definition,
they are predators.
They will do it again."
- Marc Klaas
"If a sociopath believes a
lie it makes it truth."
- Karen Kirschbaum
If anyone has perfected the art of saying the right things and making you believe that he means them it's a narcissistic sociopath. He is skilled in charm not sincerity… he excels at superficial not substance… he is a man of much nonsense and riddles like a joker or magician but not meaning or truth.
A sociopath has a typical set of phrases he uses as there are always commonalities between them. It's been said so many times in the support groups I belong to that when the members post messages that their Ex has sent them… they could have been sent from anyone's Ex sociopath… as they all appear to speak the same language… astonishingly, it's as if they are all one and the same person… as if they went to the same school and were taught from the same bag of tricks.
When I was dating my Ex, (even a large part of the marriage) for the most part he was doting… he listened… in fact, part of my attraction to him was the fact he listened… something I didn't have from a father who simply talked at me. What I didn't know then is that people of a manipulative nature may very well listen… they may not be what is expected… dismissive… at least in the beginning… as it behooves them to listen to you and listen well. They excel at listening to what you have to say… hanging onto every word… learning all they can about you so they can reel you in… and in this crucial time period offering bits of sage advice, comfort and affirmation. When we date someone who appears to be the picture of care, of kindness and empathy we believe we truly have what were seeing… we take it to heart and don't doubt that what were experiencing is real.
Any of the typical phrases a sociopath uses may not come to the surface until much later on… once you're immersed in a marriage and dependent upon him. It's not until he has you captured in a corner like a defenseless little ladybug does he begin to show his true colors… and for a while he may even dance back and forth between charm and seemingly genuine care and contempt for you… leaving you completely confused and off balance… because you can't figure out where you stand with him… and he knows it.
Often times when were so close to a situation or person we don't have the distance to step back and be objective. It may be difficult for us to not beat ourselves up later down the road upon the full truth revealed… or block out the "What was I thinking?" thoughts going through our head… but we have to forgive ourselves for any blindness that kept us in the wolf's path… this is part of the healing process. It's a mental barrage of "coulda, shoulda, woulda's"… and it can go on forever if allowed. At some point we have to say "What's done is done and it's unfortunately reality" and then begin self care… making a conscious point to be gentle with ourselves, to journal, pamper ourselves, surround ourselves with healthy, supportive friends and family… doing the little things including the big, leaning on God… asking Him for comfort, strength and healing.
10 PHRASES A SOCIOPATH USES:
1. "Trust me" My Ex used this all the time and amusingly even later during the divorce process. What he's really saying is "Please be a sucker and let me trick you once again." Why on earth would you trust someone who has continually lied and cheated that you have proof of? For a sociopath to tell their target "Trust me" after they've shown (perhaps repeatedly) they cannot be trusted is merely laughable.
2. "I love you" He will use this phrase over and over again. Another lie. He will use this with every woman he's with. A sociopath is incapable of love. What he's really telling you is: "I love the way you make me feel. Being with you is like a rush for me at this moment."Unfortunately, eventually the rush will wear off and you'll be replaced.
3. "Happy?" or "Happy now?!" Is his little guise of a remark of ensuring he has taken care of your needs or desires but in reality is a short, dismissive way of telling you: "You're a pain in my butt and inconveniencing me big time. Now go away." My Ex used this one all the time and still does with our children.
4. "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission." Ugh. My Ex used this all the time. Another statement they use to try to justify their actions and believe that whatever recent ordeal they just put you through (or shady business deal) will merely blow over… that by just saying: "Sorry!" in their usual dismissive tone that everything will smooth over, consequences will be nil and he will be able to wiggle his way back into your heart.
5."You're so sensitive." A classic. A way to justify his negative actions or verbal abuse toward you when you naturally get upset or mad. Then you begin to question yourself and your own feelings. What eventually happens is later on (even perhaps after you're divorced) it strips you of confidence and you begin to question every interaction you have with people… the natural response is a phase of being unsure… the good news is your confidence will return as you heal and become stronger. Keep in touch with friends that know and love you and don't allow yourself to become isolated.
6. "I can never make you happy. My God! You are so negative! Why do you think I'm never around? Because I can't stand being around you!" Justification and twisting for why he's cheating or a workaholic.
7. "What about you? What about your issues?" This is his comeback to you when you call him on the unacceptable choices he's made. He will spin it back onto you and try to bring up any faults or flaws you have (or make any up) to get the heat off him.
8. "I could do that for you." Could. Interesting. He could, but chooses not to. He could do that Honey-do on your list that you really need finished but he won't.
9. "I only get this negativity from you." In other words…. he isn't getting what he wants so it's easier to attack you.
10. "The more you tell me to do something the more it makes me want to do the opposite." Oh, okay… it's comparable to a three year old boy having a fit. He doesn't wanna just cause you want him to so he ain't gonna!
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside…
Switchfoot "Meant To Live"
Sometimes in life we may feel lost.
It's so incredibly easy to get lost in our day to day lives. It's so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of each day... the harried rushed mornings, the commute, the mandatory meetings, the conference calls, demanding clients, scheduling and so forth.
It's so very easy to get caught up in the usual... the sameness of routine… the quick send offs, the flurried goodbyes, the absentminded "MmmHmmm's" and "Hurry!"
Life can become one big deadline, one huge leap... a sprint, a race... a marathon. We often feel pressure to "get there"... to meet a goal, a project completion date, a first kiss, a marriage date, a first house, a conception date, a ten year anniversary, fiftieth and so on… life can become one big "One day…" of wants, wishes and hopes…
But then sadly…
"One day" never gets here.
Time keeps passing us by and with each check in the morning mirror we may notice more crow's feet, more graying hair and maybe looking past the reflection in the mirror a lot less fun.
Perhaps life has become one long list of…
"Hopefully soon we will go on that cruise."
"Hopefully soon we will go on a vacation that involves
being gone more than a measly two or three days."
"Hopefully soon we will go on that date night or overnight."
"Hopefully soon we will have that pajama day at home, make waffles and connect."
"Hopefully soon we will go back home to visit Mama."
"Hopefully soon we will take the kids on that trip to Disneyland."
"Hopefully soon we will… "
What's on your list?
What do you hope to do?
The very word "Hope" means faith that such and such will happen, something wonderful will take place… that we believe it will come to fruition.
But in that "Hopefully we will…" is there excuse lurking?
Is excuse or procrastination insidiously hanging in that sentence we utter with the somewhat (?) convincing tone we use?
We don't have to lose ourselves in life. We don't have to subscribe to a life where everything that has special meaning to us is put on the perpetual back burner… we can claim today… that we will pull out the calendar and begin marking definitive dates we will go live for so much more than just work and stress. We can claim today… today that we will choose our children over our iPhone, our late night at the office or a skipped family dinner. We can realize that we may have second tries… we may be able to say "I've got a chance to do this again…" but only so many times do we get that chance. Are we living with our eyes half open, stumbling through the commitments and motions or are we fully awake and tuned in to our very present moment?
We all want more than what this world has to offer… Christians ultimately want Heaven… we want peace, we want love, we want Jesus… and we all want our slice of Heaven here on earth while we walk this land… we won't find it in an office cubicle… but we will outside…
In the glorious beauty God has given us in this world… where land meets blue painted skies.
Where is your little piece of Heaven on earth?
Maybe it's the snow-capped mountains… the majestic trees, the lakes and rivers… maybe it's the desert and all it's simplistic beauty… or maybe it's like mine… the sandy beach.
This past week I was blessed to relax a bit where my little slice of Heaven is on earth... in Florida I spent some time on Barefoot Beach in Naples. If you haven't been it's a wonderful place to take your family. The Barefoot Beach State Preserve has beautiful beaches and turtles.
Wherever your slice of Heaven is on earth… be sure you take some time there now and then… don't let it become relegated to a "Hopefully" with good intentions that never come to pass.
Because we aren't meant to just exist.
Were meant to live.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014
Ah, Disney Land…
Can you imagine what it would be like for your kids to go to Disneyland every other week? Or every other weekend? I'm sure it would be according to them "the best thing ever!"…. and yet you may know already by now that I'm not really referring to Mickey or Minnie but to someone that more closely resembles evil Jafar in Aladdin.
Welcome to Disney Dad… the father who runs a home without rules… who instead of having a healthy father-child dynamic the children are treated as equals… or at least specific children are… whomever it benefits the father most. The father placates his children with a constant flow of promises, gifts and free will. It's a home where order and boundaries don't exist… kids that run amuk and candy flows freely. Foul music abounds, meals are served in front of the television instead of eaten as a family, children are taken along on business trips and treated as adults, personal boats are promised to boys as young as eleven, movies are uploaded to iPhones to keep the younger children out of his hair… and fits are met with "Now… if you don't stop that I'm going to take your cell phone."
The kids leave dads hopped up on excitement from their week or weekend in paradise and go to Mom's where they are met with "No, you can't eat an entire bag of M&M's in one sitting… yes, you have to brush your teeth… no, showers are not optional… no, you are not going to get a phone, you're not old enough… what do you mean the park is old hat? I'm not buying you a boat, sorry."
Rules are stated and attempted to be enforced and instead are met with much derision and anger. Now mom is dealing with kids who don't want to comply… who yell her rules are stupid and they want to be at dad's house exclusively. "Dad is more fun!" they wail and their faces glare at her as she tries to wrack her brain for what exactly just happened. Since when is life like an amusement park everyday? That mentality has become normal for them. Since when does everything have to be a "big deal"? Whatever happened to reading a book, relaxing, playing a family board game and eating supper together? Now comparisons run the gamut and she is quickly losing the race… a race she never knew she entered into… a race she believe is ridiculous and is nothing but spurred by her Ex's insanity and insecurity.
Instead, she feels she's losing control…
her life has become a train wreck and
she's met with contempt by her son.
Here's the truth:
Disney Dad is not a good parent. He's not modeling healthy parenting for his children… his "parenting skills" in reality suck. He is sitting back with glee… basking in the gratifying joyful supply he gains by hearing how the children are acting out at mom's house… how they defy her, they scream at her, maybe even hit her and mock her ideas of fun. The truth is… he's angry she left, he's angry she has the audacity to ditch him… so he uses the children as his pawn of anger toward her.
She's a great mom who is doing the best she can considering the circumstances. She is dealing with an Ex who is insidiously conveying to the children that mom's rules don't matter… that her ideas of fun are stupid and inadequate… just by having his home be a free-for-all… the two homes are at such extreme ends of a spectrum of parenting it's no wonder that she's frustrated. To a court she may appear to be the inept parent… after all, how much backlash can a dad get if he's giving in to every whim his child has? To the outside world it appears he has everything under control. But the courts need to look closer… and therapy is a must.
So what needs to happen?
The father needs to be held responsible for his actions. A good therapist needs to step in who is educated in manipulation. Finding a therapist who will work with the family in getting the help they need is essential… if all else fails... for the therapist to document and finally come to the realization that the children are better off with their mother… and voice her findings in court. Perhaps the father can be allowed supervised visitation until he realizes that his Disney-parenting may make his children the happiest on earth under his roof… but if they are terrorizing the rest of the world the source of the issue points back to him.
There Are 2 Types of Disney Dad's:
The Guilty Dad:
This dad truly feels bad for the divorce and believes being a Disney Dad makes up for it and at the least makes himself feel better. Granted, he may not have malicious intent but his actions are still not healthy for anyone.
The Manipulative /Vindictive Dad:
This Dad knows exactly what's doing… his behavior is calculated and purposeful. All folks go through angry and sorrowful phases of loss right after divorce. But eventually most people heal and begin rebuilding their life. Their anger subsides and in it's place is peace and a desire to move forward. Not so with the Manipulative Disney Dad. He is focused on a long term agenda to make his Ex pay… maybe he has been discarded by his spouse and is bitter about it. This Dad then uses the children in his vendetta to make his Ex suffer and even attempt to gain full custody. He believes by convincing his children he is that he is "most fun parent ever" they will then voice their desire to live with him full time. This is essentially all about control.
7 SIGNS OF A DISNEY-LAND DAD:
(this list of signs can be reversed for moms)
1. Excess toys, treats and experiences.
2. Too many experiences allowed for their children too early in age… the Disney Dad erroneously believes that allowing his children to have a lot of "adult-like" experiences earlier than typical for their age gives them an advantage in life… it sets them up to be more mature than their peers. However, it can actually lead children to position themselves as equals to the adults in their life… and lead them to become spoiled… and expect preferential treatment.
3. Dad provides material things that he knows mom could never afford or doesn't have the ability to provide even if the money was there. Example: Dad offers to buy son his own boat and he lives along a lake. Mom, on the other hand not only can't afford a boat but has no way to use one if she could.
4. No rules… if babysitters are quitting, if dad can't seem to keep one hired, if kids are being allowed to stay home alone that have zero business doing so… especially young children or special needs children, if children upon acting out are just given empty threats of consequences and nothing is followed through… then those are all red flags of serious issues.
5. These Dads buy their children's love. They believe everything is a "deal to be made" and don't recognize the value in spending time with their children, in connecting with them and listening to their thoughts, needs and feelings. Instead, they make these big sweeping gestures through purchases or experiences.
6. These children often feel empty inside unless they have a loving caring in-tune parent to help offset the damage Dad is doing. They often don't feel heard by their Dad or truly loved. Instead, they are given a bottomless supply of "things" to help fill their needs within. These are the children who later go on to max out credit cards, compete with the Joneses and look for love in all the wrong places.
7. The Disney Dad often plays favorites amongst his children… he may target one child whom he feels he can brain-wash the easiest and then once he's been successful in forming that alliance move on to the other children and seek full custody.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014