Here you will find over three hundred and fifty blog posts of my personal story of enduring a toxic childhood, fleeing home at age seventeen, returning home... losing someone I cared for very much only to marry a man at age twenty two who would later turn out to be emotionally abusive and based on the pattern of his behaviors and the destruction he's caused in my life and my children's to be personality disordered. I was married for twelve years and we had two children, one with special needs/Asperger's. During the course of my marriage the losses were many including the loss of my beautiful youngest sister who was killed by her abusive boyfriend. I firmly believe that when we, especially as girls do not have healthy male role models in the family home we are placed at a greater risk of marrying someone who is on the personality disorder spectrum whether it be simple narcissism or a sociopath.
My story is one of many women's stories as it highlights the doubt and unworthy feelings we as women often hold within ourselves which then affects our life and who we love. My story is thousands of other women's stories (and father's) because when we divorce someone toxic we are often abused all over again... through finances, through stalking and through our children. One of the worst things anyone can go through is the loss of a child and that includes parental alienation. Abusive narcissistic spouses often use the children as a tool or weapon of ammunition to fight us and through aggressive brainwashing and family court litigation are often successful in turning our children and winning enabled by ignorant even corrupt family court systems. We as good, loving, empathetic parents expect and want more for ourselves and our children however it is not always possible due to a broken system that is extremely difficult to navigate. My story is shared not to win pity but to bridge ignorance to understanding in how abuse in marriages happens and how our childhood may or may not prime us to be abused later on.
I never dreamed at age twenty two by saying "I do" I would consequently be saying yes to all of this insanity and devastation. I had no idea my finances and my relationship with my son would be obliterated. I grieve the loss of what should have been for my mother-son relationship (and both my children's childhoods I wanted for them) and wish I could wave a magic wand to fix it.... but unfortunately I cannot. What I can do is share my story in the hopes someone will (unfortunately) see themselves in my shoes and find relief and comfort they are not alone in this living hell. I hope and pray you find peace and eventual reconciliation with your babies. I hope for renewed self, strength and favor in finances. I hope everything that has been stolen from you will be multiplied and restored upon you. I hope and pray for your healing and recovery from an experience so horrific no one would believe it... that only books and movies come close to resembling. I hope you continue to have faith no matter now faint or tiny and that you always, always expect more for yourself and within self forgiveness never ever settle again.