The Narcissistic Sociopath.
Maybe you want revenge on him or her.
We all naturally want justice in some form for the terrible things that happen to us or our loved ones.
It's part of being human.
Maybe you drive along the highway in deep thought or sit awake at night thinking of all the ways this evil one has wrought havoc and pain on your life… still in the recent throes of disentangling yourself from he or she you may allow your mind to travel to the darkest corners and depths wondering what wonderfully ill and terrible outcome could some higher up bring down upon them… or even just by chance... whether it's being hit by a bus, a speeding train, falling off a building or even being cheated on as they did to you… sweet revenge on the narcissistic sociopath may not be too far from our dreams and fantasy.
names have been omitted
in this post
"You know that scene in the James Bond movie Casino Royale… the one where he's stripped, strapped to a chair without a seat and his balls are beaten to a pulp?" I murmured.
"Yeah. I've seen it." He replied.
"Yeah, I had day dreams of that happening to him." I told him.
"That must have been quite cathartic." He mused.
"It was." I affirmed.
"With each post I read and saw how he'd treated you… he treated you like a whore... women don't cost men money. Men are happy to take a woman to dinner because they enjoy their company. I guess that's what sets apart boys and men. What he did made me boil with rage." He told me.
We may eventually find our way out of the intense anger of what the narcissistic sociopath did to us… we may find through the support of therapy and friendships… even through time that healing is indeed possible. But for those who are fresh from escaping a hell like no other… what may often seem like a prison sentence of eternal lifelong death… we know that the thought of wanting the orchestrator of evil to pay for his or her damages unto us and even our children… is never too far from our mind.
When the imbalance of injustice is so great it only makes sense that we as humans want to make things "right". However… we can use our power for the positive… wielding our rightful anger to be used for good we can move forward fueled by it.Moving forward and living well is honestly the best revenge regarding anyone who has done us wrong… but especially in regards to a narcissistic sociopath's heinous actions.
An empathetic person may want revenge in the initial aftermath of the disentangling of a marriage between them and a sociopath… but there is no way to touch them… it would be a waste of perfectly good energy and time… because the truth is… they don't feel remorse thus they won't be affected by your vengeful tactics no matter what you do.
They want you to be so heartsick over not having them any longer, so broken over the pain they put you through, so incredibly unable to move on in life that you simply can't no matter how hard you try. They want to watch and laugh as you squirm at the antics they continually pull, they want to smart with glee as you nearly pull out your hair at their maddening skills… they want to be tickled pink and amused that you're running back to them, sending them forlorn emails and hopeful texts and yes, agreeing to joining them at dinner with their newest supply as one big "happy family" however sick it really all is. They want to continue to hold that power over you… to be thrilled with the high that comes from it… the inflated ego it swells in them… that yes, you still want them… no matter how poorly they treat you… no matter how terrible they behave… like a sadistic animal they keep reeling you back in for more, the narc believes out of his or her over inflated ego that you won't ever let them go… they are wanting to dominate you, annihilate you, desecrate you while you continue the sickly co-dependent dance of hoping for their eternal affection and love.
Every time you begin to waffle, maybe begin to waver and hope for a reconciliation… just stop… ask someone to slap you with a splintered ruler… demand a reality check... because no amount of shiny temporary goodness he or she spews at you will forever hide the stinking decay of reality with them underneath. Or maybe you still don't know what you're dealing with… still in the whirlwind spin of bullshit… trying to figure out just what exactly it is that keeps you going in circles with this individual… if you are experiencing confusion with the person you love… that's not normal… love is clear… not clouded… it's best to seek therapy and begin your healing… which leads you to a new chapter… a better chapter… living your best life possible.
The Best Revenge?
1. Going about your day and suddenly realizing you haven't thought about him or her in hours, days, weeks, months, etc… and smiling to yourself because you realize the thoughts of them interrupting your day are becoming less and less… fewer and farther between… and that is a victory.
2. Realizing and then living no contact in regards to he or she (at least the majority of the time if you are co-parenting). That no contact is truly for the best (it sends he or she a message that you will not be their supply even in a limited fashion) and will only serve to help you heal that much faster… finally peace, calm, solitude and nurturing are yours and you never have to apologize for treating yourself with the care you deserve.
At some point wishing harm, retribution or demise
upon the narc may instead be replaced with the thought of:
"Go away… you stay over there,
I'll stay over here and I'll forget 99.9%
of the time that you even exist."
3. Smiling and not letting he or she think for a minute life isn't great. It may seem cliche to say it… but it's true… life really can get better after divorce… once you're past all the yucky initial grief and transitioning… once life begins to fall into place in a whole new way… it can be better than ever.
4. Owning your power… we have learned so much… we have been through hell and survived… and come out the other side thriving. We know the signs of someone sociopathic and at the very least narcissistic. We know also to listen to our gut and stop doubting ourselves… we know to study ACTIONS not sweet words alone. We have the ability to leave at anytime… to leave anyone… if a new relationship doesn't pan out or we find ourselves doubting this is the one for us or even whom they claim to be… we can own our power in independent decision making skills… and leave. We don't have to invest anymore time in someone who has treated us as an option or releases crazy. We don't have to be a victim… each of us are victors.
You treated me like an option,
so I left you like a choice
5. Some folks, both men and women don't want another relationship after being united as one with a narcissistic sociopath… and that is okay. But for the rest of us who go through a passage of time and healing and would consider dipping our toes back in to date and explore the possibility of love… true love… with someone who has a kind, empathetic heart… is it worth it? Absolutely. Take that chance, take that risk… the saddest thing in the world would be missing out on someone amazing and always wondering "What if?"
© gracepowerstrength.com ~ 2015
How do you know if he truly loves you?
There are many many signs to look for… notably actions.
With a world today so ensconced in lustful instant gratification we may confuse that mindset with the slow simmering gradual growth of sweet love between a man and woman and be unable to differentiate the two. But with the conscious choice to pay particular attention to actions versus words…. we can find our way to what the truth is in the relationship we have with another… leading us to make the decision… is it really love and do we wish to stay… or is it anything but and it's time to part ways?
10 Signs He Truly Loves You:
1. He makes you feel safe… this is so incredibly important. If a woman doesn't feel safe with a man… it will never work. If he's constantly pushing boundaries with you, if he's always asking for more and more… if he's volatile toward you in any way either mentally, physically, emotionally, etc… if he's pressuring you for sex before your ready/before marriage… if he's not respectful toward you… if he lets other men mistreat you and doesn't speak up… if he doesn't look out for you simply because you're Christ's daughter, he's not loving you.
2. He owns up to his screw up… if he DOES screw up… he apologizes and without having to be prompted to. He sits down, faces you and admits he shouldn't have done x,y,z… (abuse gets no second chances, btw) and then explains how he's going to ensure that doesn't happen again. Then he sticks to it. Someone who isn't truly re-pentful will say he's sorry a million times but continue the negative behaviors. If his actions don't back up his words… they mean nothing. Look for changed behavior and a willingness to adhere to what he's promised you.
3. He tells you he loves you and is vulnerable with you… He tells you how he feels about you without prompting or questioning from you. No one should have to be begged to share how they feel about someone. He is forthright in his feelings toward you and it doesn't just include a physical attraction but a deep tender affection for your heart, soul and personality as well. He shares his own fears, hopes and dreams with you… he shares his past, his ugly, his beauty, his triumphs and his joys… nothing is off limits and each knows there is not judgment of the past but only a safe place to be with one another.
TRUE LOVE IS FRIENDSHIP
SET ON FIRE…
“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable…" - Bruce Lee
4. He wants you to be comfortable with him… One of his desires should be for you to be comfortable enough with him to say: "No" to him (even if he doesn't like it) to be able to sit in comfortable silence with him… to be able to say exactly what is on your mind laced with tact and graceful love… he should want you to have the ability to be your complete and honest, authentic, genuine self with him at all times… and if he's expecting someone else… he's not for you… love doesn't include being a doormat or not yourself.
5. He puts you first… right after Christ. He should be praying for you daily… and for guidance in his relationship with you. His priority should be to love you with actions that reflect Christ's love for you… he may desire you with all his heart but if you come on too strongly physically in the heat of the moment he should step back… out of love and tell you "No" and draw a line. He should be direct and tell you: "We aren't having sex until were married" and then stick to it. (and vice versa) Everyone has temptation, even Christians… but both individuals must stand strong in our love for Christ and remain in obedience for our bodies are sacred.
6. He's always honest… He never ever lies to you. Better to hurt me with the truth than hurt me with a lie… betrayal is the worst thing we can endure without a doubt… especially when it comes to someone who we trusted and gave our heart to. That's why it's so incredibly important that if we ever discover a partner lying to us… the very first time… that's a sign to leave. (Whether man or woman… dishonesty should never be tolerated… and cheating comes under the umbrella of lying… you can't cheat without lying)
7. He sees your beauty… He sees your beauty not just when done up to the nines but in the everyday… not just how alluring you look dressed when up to go out but also in how you wrinkle your nose when you sniff a yucky scented candle, or the loose tendrils that fall around your face from a messy bun… or the way you sigh with contentment when resting your head on his shoulder… everything you do becomes beautiful including your inner strength, your wit, your personality and hopes. Then he tells you exactly what speaks to him.
8. He shows affection… He will show affection for you in all the little ways… resting his hand on the small of your back, taking your hand, etc.
9. He's protective of you… He walks on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street. He holds your hand when crossing, he walks with confidence (not arrogance) that no one is coming between you and him when out… he drives carefully and would never put you in harm's way.
10. He desires depth over gloss… Image, stuff, materialism, etc… all the stuff that really doesn't matter… we don't look at what someone owned when they die. We look at who they were. We look at how they loved. When we smile with tender sentimentality at a story in our Facebook newsfeed it's about the couple who is eighty and died hours or days apart, who loved each other to the very end… who were crazy about each other… who had depth… who wanted a meaningful life filled with endless love, peace, adventure and complete transparency and trust. Those are the couples who thrive with long enduring substantial love… who share depth not a shallow and fleeting existence.
© gracepowerstrength.com ~ 2015
It goes with Narcissism like peanut butter goes with jelly.
Narcissus, the hunter in Greek Mythology was known for his handsome looks… when he discovered his beautiful reflection in a pool of water he was so enamored with his image he fell in love with it… hence drowning. From the name Narcissus came the term we know today as Narcissism... defined as a fixation on one's own self.
Narcissists crave positive
One would think at first glance that narcissists are secure in themselves, that they have a healthy self esteem but in reality they are quite insecure and feel best when receiving positive feedback from others because the voice of their critical narcissistic parent since childhood is alive and well in their head… continuing the destructive verbiage that they don't measure up. These grown adults have lost their true sense of self because their self is intertwined with their parent they grew up with… they are still an extension of their narcissistic parent's fragile ego.
1. Demands nothing less than perfection from others.
2. Is hardest on their spouse.
3. Expects unquestioning compliance.
4. Sees themselves as requiring special treatment.
5. Lives a "my way or the highway" type mentality.
Narcissists are intolerant of imperfection as they believe it reflects poorly on them and others will view them as less than. This is why living with a narcissist is impossible… the spouse takes the brunt of the stress in the relationship… if they aren't "perfect" then it will surely reflect poorly on their narcissistic partner and the narcissist can't have that.
If you are requiring your partner to be perfect…
there will be marital problems guaranteed.
The Spouse of a Narcissist:
You are viewed as an extension of the narcissist's ego
You are viewed as the "blame" for anything going wrong in the relationship
You are viewed as merely a trophy by the narcissist that better not change, get sick or age
You will never be able to get emotionally close to a narcissist
You will never be able to receive a healthy, close and safe love with a narcissist
You will never be able to "criticize" a narcissist even with fair, careful and tactful feedback
You will be devalued and invalidated anytime you try to voice your concerns
So why are they perfectionists?
They had one or two parents that were narcissistic… a parent(s) that made them feel inadequate, insecure, not good enough. Their parent talked down to them… disparaged them, talked to them like they were an idiot… grabbed their shirt collar and screamed how incredibly stupid they were when working on a project… they demeaned them in front of other family members using them as a prime example for others of what not to do… they were held to such extremely high standards… standards no one could meet.
Perfectionists make terrible parents… they pressure their children to be perfect… and if a child feels they cannot live up to the expectations… inevitably they may choose to throw in the towel, figuring what's the point (?!) and rebel instead… leading to poor choices… failing grades, drug use, promiscuity, etc. The best approach parents can take to prevent the development of perfectionism is to have an open dialogue with their children in what they are achieving… to strive for personal excellence, not perfectionism… and that at the end of the day failure/missing the mark, etc never equates to losing a parents love.
If a child brings home a paper with a ninety a perfectionistic parent may say:
"If you can get a ninety you can get a hundred."
They always expect more and more.
As adults perfectionists are often all about productivity… which translates to working all the time; the classic workaholic along with being rigid in their outlook, controlling in their relationships, cheap in their spending and and critical of others. They grow up with you guessed it… a controlling perfectionistic parent(s). Perfectionism is a killer to a relationship, namely a marriage… in that the perfectionist often takes on the authoritative role… they know how to do everything best, won't accept feedback, minimize their own weaknesses and exaggerate the flaws of even the most trivial of their spouse.
"We who are strong ought to bear with the failings
of the weak and not to please ourselves."
When it comes to perfectionism one must choose their battles… how the dishwasher is loaded doesn't really matter… how the food and drinks are arranged in the refrigerator aren't a make or break situation…
At the end of the day… our marriages must be laced with grace and humbleness to succeed, not a desire of pleasing one's self through the pursuit of perfection.
© gracepowerstrength.com ~ 2015