We cannot expect help from the one who hit us, verbally berated us, singed our souls. We cannot expect the snake to soothe the bite they give us. We cannot expect mercy from the devil when on our knees. We cannot expect a melody when we are struck by thunder. We cannot look for what we need from the one who snatched what was ours away. Essentially the one who stole from you... whatever that may be... they are the thief who is relentless and will steal again and again. They are like the tainted needle that pricks you not once but over and over. They are like the lion who gnashes his teeth only for you to tiptoe away and be nipped at. They are the evil one who smiles and holds a knife behind their back just lying in wait for you to come closer.... then watch you shrink away in horror all while laughing in sick amusement.

​Once we leave a sociopath we may not realize it but that very day we have begun our slow but certain journey of recovery and healing. We will learn so much... we will learn that they will not change. We will learn that what they do is purposeful. We will learn that they never really loved us. We will learn all the red flags of a narcissistic sociopath and how to recognize them sooner so we can see them as not just red flags but actual deal breakers. We will learn to say no and that saying no doesn't equate to us being mean. We will learn to detox ourselves from people pleasing and all that "good" we believed the narc had... now we see reality as it is and that they were merely wearing a mask. We will learn to embrace self care and see that we may have a tendency to not ask for help when we need it. We will learn that people who accuse those of cheating or abuse who aren't doing so are likely using the emotional abusive tool of projection. We will learn that we are so strong... much stronger than we ever thought and in that we may rely on precious faith, friends, family, whatever gets us through. We may learn that love and empathy go hand in hand and actions speak louder than words. We may learn that yes, we can heal... and I promise you that you can and will... but it takes time... it takes many steps forward, many backward and then forward again.... be patient, don't give up. In that... it's incredibly important to be realistic... and know that as long as we must have limited contact due to shared custody it is unlikely we will reach complete healing while in that... as each time the narc pulls a new stunt we are almost yanked back into the pit as we try to scramble away from the edge. There is a lot of re-triggering and re-victimizing that occurs that may hit you like a ton of bricks because you were wholly unprepared for it.... I tell you this to help inform and prepare you so maybe the shock isn't so great. We learn what real love is... real love is consistent and doesn't lie, cheat, hurt or destroy. Real love nurtures, soothes, calms and kisses your scars. Real love isn't selfish but selfless and real love keeps the promises they made the day they stood before you, your loved ones and God making them.

Those of you who know someone like in the description above know that what I'm describing is a sociopath. Whether male or female they are vicious and unrelenting and enjoy seeing you suffer. The damage they do is purposeful. If you're new to this reign of hell please read that again. The damage they do is purposeful. I used to think sociopaths were only those psycho killers on 20/20 or Dateline. But they aren't just innocuous drifters that roam from here to there. Most of them appear "normal"... they go to college, get their degree (did you know that a large number of sociopaths get their degrees in business?) go on to get married, buy a house with a picket fence and live the dream with a kid or two. Most of them are your everyday Joe's (and Susie Q's) and go unnoticed as being criminally prone, abusive and emotionally destructive to others. Laci Peterson was determined by experts to have been married to a sociopath. She is a prime example of how jolting and shocking it can be that maybe many folks are going to sleep next to one every night not realizing they are on borrowed time. Till death do we part takes on a whole new meaning in that context. Even if they don't kill you they are going to make your life miserable through various ways they attempt to cause pain and chaos.... all the while pointing the finger and saying you're the criminal.


September 2017

​names have been omitted in this post

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​I walked barefoot into the kitchen wearing boxer shorts and a black Johnny Cash t-shirt. Hair pinned up with bobby pins I breathed in the wonderful aroma of banana bread baking. "Oh my goodness... something smells delicious!" I exclaimed with a southern drawl and smile. I made my way around the island to the refrigerator and retrieved a small bottle of cranberry juice. Proceeding to twist it open and pour it's contents into a glass over ice I stood at the counter as my mother walked in and she spoke....

​"I'm making banana bread!" She told me cheerfully and with her oven mitt carefully opened the oven door to check on it. I peeked inside with her and saw it slowly rising to golden brown perfection.

​"Oh, yum..." I told her "That looks amazing. You always made the best banana bread growing up. I miss it." I told her. Sometime in 2004 I had developed an allergy to banana's. It was disappointing too, when the kids were babies I had made banana pudding all the time and we loved it.

​Sitting at the kitchen table while she puttered around the kitchen preparing her dinner I spoke "So he sold his Range Rover to pay for his attorneys fees." I told my mother referring to my ex. "That tells me he must be living far beyond his means."

​She murmured agreement and finally spoke as she stirred her ingredients in a mixing bowl "You know what really gets me about this situation? Is here you were married to him and you weren't demanding. There are a lot of women who have to have their toes and nails done every week or every other week... shopping at Neiman Marcus and going to get their hair done at high end salons.... you did everything on the cheap. He didn't appreciate what he had. Now look at how it's changed. " She pointed out.

​I nodded, "Yeah... I know. Now he has someone who frequents the salon, expects a country club membership, won't buy Target clothes and spends who knows how much on flights back and forth to the UK. But she fits a certain image to project. She's just a lot more expensive and he's paying for it. He sent me a message back after I told him I didn't have the money to pay him for the children's out of pocket medical expenses. He said I need to make some sacrifices in my life to pay my expenses. I'd really like to know what those should be. I mean, really? Electricity? Water? I have a job where I really need to get my nails done but I continue to go without. Manicures don't grow on trees." I took a sip of juice then added... "He filed this change of custody, gets what he wants and then has the nerve to tell me I need to make sacrifices." I grimaced then reflecting, added "And the irony of all this is she didn't want to spend more time with him anyway." I said referring to my daughter...."Then he has the nerve to attempt to guilt trip her by telling her he had to sell his Range Rover to pay his attorney. That's not her fault. Gimme a break... no one is buying what he's selling. She knew what he was doing."

​"I agree.... I think it takes a lot of nerve. But he's shown you who he is... don't expect differently. " She replied.

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​When we are with a narcissistic sociopath we sacrifice so much... we may sacrifice our self worth, our self care, self love, our health, our careers, goals, dreams, talents, bodies, energy... the list goes on and on. We sacrifice so much of our time... likely our youth and time we could be spending doing what is needed for ourselves versus on them. But once we leave a sociopath the expected sacrifices seem to continue... they expect us to sacrifice our peace by engaging with them whether by text, phone calls, email, Our Family Wizard, in person, etc. The expect us to sacrifice our time by using it to engage in lengthy, contentious court battles and documentation. They expect us to sacrifice our money by using it all up to fight them in a custody fight we never had a chance at winning. They expect us to stay in their orchestrated circus and deal with them no matter what sacrificing our health and happiness. They expect us to continue to give them ego-fueled supply through some form of contact however minimal and sacrifice our dignity while being demeaned by enablers and court systems. They expect us to let them toy with us and our emotions and use our children as pawns to hurt us. They expect us to take all the blame for whatever destruction and chaos they choose to inflict. They expect us to either succumb to the toxicity of the situation and become so hopelessly depressed we off ourselves or become broke and lose everything and end up on the street without our children, home, vehicle and money.

​It goes back to knowing what were dealing with. I know I'm dealing with an unrepentant toxic individual who is the equivalent of an emotionally and spiritually stunted boy. Logically and rationally I can say this person is not worth my time, energy or resources. I know that to be true. I also know that my anger is justified and yet my attitude and anger has dangerously crept into unhealthy territory lately. I have wished every horrific thing/consequence possible upon him. I have sinned and have taken my anger out on God as well... putting God in "time-out" so to speak has been a way however unspiritual or unproductive to deal with an almost impossible situation. It's hard when you know so many people are praying out of the goodness of their hearts for good change in your situation and yet nothing happens that we become so frustrated and wonder why were hearing crickets instead of miracles descending from above. I believe when our child is used as a weapon and then taken from us we cannot do anything but sit or stand and stare blankly and finally when we do move; crawl/ walk it's the equivalent of operating in a zombie-like state. The Saturday following the ruling I stayed in bed all day. I sobbed off and on all day. I don't remember the last time I cried that much. My phone kept pinging and texts were flowing in from people near and far... "Jennifer, checking on you... please let me know if you're ok.", "Jen, haven't heard from you... worried. Text or call me." , "Jen, answer your phone." , "Jennifer, I heard the news. I'm so sorry. Praying." , "Jen.... I know it's been awhile but I heard what happened. Please know I'm thinking of you." The outpouring of love, concerns and prayers from people I know, blog readers and even strangers were touching, needed and very much appreciated.

So we come out of this court ruling feeling like we've experienced a death. The emotions have held many similarities to when I lost my sister... and in that as always the anger begins to surface and the outrage and the turning to God and mentally yelling "Where were YOU?????!!!!" the finger-pointing.... and then turning your back on Him. Thinking putting Him in time out does any good... thinking "Well, I just don't know that I can believe in a God that can fix this but hasn't"... and trying to pull at the tiniest bit of faith you have left... like trying to grasp that sliver of thread through the eye of a needle and feeling like you're failing miserably. That's been me the past month. I've been failing miserably. I've not been the best example of anything Godly. But I'm still here however patched together. I need God more than ever. I've needed to step back and get some perspective... to see past my anger and look at the bigger picture. I'm gaining strength and it's slow but I'm determined... thank God for God's great grace, Him staying by our side and love for us no matter how frustrated and despaired we may feel. I think this biggest emotion of all in this is often frustration. I am a fixer by nature. I see a problem and I want to fix the darn thing. I'm usually the first one to say "Give it here, let me fix it." So what do you do when you can't seem to fix a problem and feel like you failed and failed your child and yet God doesn't seem to be fixing it either? Or at least not on the fast track you'd like. We perhaps hold a lot of frustration within that ends up spilling out in unhealthy ways... our thoughts, our words, our cursing, our actions even if just self detrimental and our relationship with God becomes strained and distant... this is when we begin to believe the lies of the devil... that God has abandoned us and left us to our own devices to fix whatever the problem is. I can relate to Job in the bible... {Job 30:20} in that I've been asking God, praying to God for this situation to be fixed and now when I believe (once again!) my pleas have been ignored I angrily charge God as not being there for me. Sometimes our view of the big picture is clouded by our situation and it's awfulness. Sometimes our prayers are not answered due to we still curse the one coming against us. Sometimes our miracle does not come to fruition due to our prayers not holding the belief they truly will. Often we grumble about what He hasn't given us and simultaneously grumble about the one who comes against us. We cannot do that and expect God to answer our prayers.... we must go to God, repent and then humbly pray again for what we desire with a pure and clean heart.


We can only do what we can do... I will do what I can to make changes through the court system through raising awareness of our judges and voting... I will do what I can for my daughter and be there for her... I will do what I can in regards to my son and let him know I want that relationship and hope for change. But aside from that? It's God. It's His deal... He's in control. All I can do is control myself.... my emotions, my heart, my reactions, my choices and my self care. I cannot expect my ex to stop... that would be naively stupid.... because he won't. It goes back to the beginning of this post... I cannot expect healing or something different from what he's already shown a past history of extending my way. But I can stop mentally griping at God for suffering. Why do I believe I'm exempt from suffering? I'm no different than the person beside me. Yes, we'd all like our suffering to stop. Of course we would, were human. But it's not my job to tell God "to cut it out" nor is it my job to "make my ex pay!" for all he's inflicted. Injustice screams to be fixed, yes, but not in a vindictive or spiteful way... it is God's place to do what He deems correct and in His way. Christ suffered far more than we have and in that we can be thankful .... we sometimes lose sight of this and need to take a breather... get some perspective and rethink this... sometimes we must step away so we can be objective and do that soul searching to see where we've gone astray.


​I hope this post helps... I had a longtime reader reach out to me this week.... what he had to say was honest yet graced with love... and much needed for me to hear. It's not to self-shame myself or others... we are plugging along and trying to keep going.....no matter what were going through... it's tough. But in that God wants the glory for "fixing" our problem whatever that may be.... and if were trying to control it that doesn't really work. If were losing sight of who God is then that doesn't make us effective leaders or ministering to others. If we don't truly believe God has the ability to change our situation it's going to be a fruitless pocket of prayers we pray. God may not fix your situation today, tomorrow, next week or next year and on the timeline you wish.... BUT He is there for you giving you the grace, power and strength through it all and you can rest knowing that unshakable truth.

​www.gracepowerstrength.com

September 2017

​names have been omitted in this post

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His Text Message Received:
September 4, 2017
5:17 p.m.

​I may be moving out of state next weekend.
I'm tired.
I've given all I can.


My Text Message Reply Delivered
5:33 p.m.

​All this time you've been telling me I
need to hang in there for my daughter.
I don't know what to say... other than I'm so sorry.


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​We go through so much in life... some of us more than others. By the time we reach eighty years old (if we do) we will have defied all the odds that have tried to come against us... car wrecks, near misses, slips and falls, food poisoning, childbirth, depression, loss of loved ones, financial stressors, job loss, infections and hospital stays, break ups, surgeries, divorces, possible assaults, late night parking garages, whatever it is, you name it... by the time we reach the ripe age of eighty we will have victoriously thwarted much of life's potential disasters. We will have survived losses and heartbreaks, triumphs and wins. We will have laughed and cried... prayed and cursed.


But there are some things in life that just break our heart and although we continue to go about our daily lives we may feel like an imposter. We may feel like such hypocrites and liars... I know I do many days... not every day.... but many days... people ask you how you are and you eventually succumb to the rhetoric of "Fine..." and smile. You feel like such a fraud... because you're not fine. You're far from it. Your heart is breaking, your gut feels punched and you waffle between wanting to scream and cry because your life is in the toilet and you're really barely hanging on. People care and are sympathetic to your situation but eventually as they say life moves on and no one wants to hear about it all the time. Eventually you're expected to pull yourself up and patch it together no matter how hard. No one warns you how truly bad things can get. No one tells you when you give childbirth there are no guarantees. No one tells you when you are holding that newborn baby in the hospital that the likelihood of someone trying to steal it from you is great and that person may very well be the one whom you had it with. I'd never do this again if I had it to do over. That's a foreign statement to those who haven't experienced this hell.


My ex has begun a smear campaign against me. I received a message this week... they are saying that he's telling everyone in town I abandoned my son and now willingly gave up partial custody of my daughter. If that is true then why did I just spend roughly fifteen grand I didn't have to fight for her? If that's true then why did I submit myself to being demeaned and treated like rubbish in court? If that's true then why did this person come forward? Because they know the truth and that according to them those who know me know he's spreading lies. If I "gave up my kids" then why am I feeling like I've lost my right arm because I've already lost one child; my son due to my ex's parental alienation? Why have I continually dealt with his aggressive litigation he has pursued and a corrupt court system in the short five years we've been divorced? As my attorney has stated many times the ink has barely dried on our final divorce decree... it's not normal to have this continual litigation... except in the dysfunction of a sociopath. If that's true then why am I struggling with depression and toying with the idea of walking off due to protecting my own freaking sanity? If that's true then why has nearly every woman he's dated once learning my name found me online and upon reading my blog broken up with him? Some of these women have been prior targets of abuse and are now fellow supporters. These women know truth when they read it in such detail. They walked away from him because they weren't going to be stuck with him upon seeing the evil he's been capable of. Because they didn't want to find themselves in my shoes in five, ten, twenty years from now. And no, I don't blame them one bit. They've saved themselves a lot of future misery.


​The beginning of this blog had two text messages... one I received from someone I know and the second is my reply. This man has been through complete and utter hell at the hands of his ex wife and a sorry vile family court system here in Fort Worth, Tarrant County. We did not see the same judge... his case was brought before a different one but just as devastating results. This man's story is a prime example of how we must rid the idea of mother's rights and father's rights but instead get back down to basics and what is TRULY in the best interests of the child. We must expect more from our family court systems... which is for them to choose to give more custody to the more loving parent no matter what sex. We must expect a system that does not buy and sell children and destroy loving bonds through deals, favors, political gains and alliances, etc. We must stand tall and scream until we are hoarse to be heard. We must be wise and educate ourselves and the general public  so as to know who we are voting for... for our children will ultimately be who pay dearly for our ignorance otherwise. We must expect judges to be held accountable for their grievous and illegal actions and they must have to answer to someone when they don't act and rule according to the best interests of the child.


​This man was the primary caregiver of his child while his wife worked in a high level paying career... she was the main wage earner. He worked but earned less yet his job allowed him to be home more for their child.... it was the agreement they came to during their marriage. But five to six years in, their marriage began unraveling. She "changed"... but not in a way that could be dealt with or welcomed with the belief it was for the better. Instead it was more like her mask began slipping here and there. She began becoming someone he didn't recognize any longer... the carefree, laid back easy going woman he'd known morphed into someone critical, demanding, image and money seeking, hot tempered, sex addicted, and cheating. But those of us who know this story already because we recognize it as so similar to our own know she hadn't really changed.... she had just hidden who she really was very well and now it was coming to the forefront. He tried to reason with her... he tried yelling at her... he tried begging her... the man literally tried everything he could to get her to change back to who he believed he married. But it wasn't going to happen. He spent many nights in the guest bedroom toward the end of his marriage crying and beating himself up for marrying her with the door locked and their child sleeping beside him. The head of the situation came when she locked herself in the home with a weapon with him and their child... and he had to talk her down and get it from her. He texted me that night freaking out and I advised calling the police and having a report done... I tried to stress to him he needed documentation. I begged him to call the police that night. But as so many of us do he gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't want to "cause a scene". That decision would later cost him greatly. Once in court upon his immediate filing after that horrific night she received almost full custody. The court listened to his sharing of the truth of the matter and also how he had been the primary caregiver for their child but they ruled in her favor. This is an example along with my situation that it DOES NOT matter if you're man or woman... regardless if you're the better parent the court will not acknowledge it but instead award more or full custody to the unfit parent. This man realizes now... he was merely used by her for a child... "She just needed a seed" he's told me many times and that he has now slowly lost to parental alienation. He was used for childcare while she worked, advanced in her career and now is completely financially independent thanks to his sacrifice and he was chosen due to his family having money in the hopes that she would one day profit from it.

​It happens to men too. It happens to good men and good women. I don't know why people believe that mother's automatically get custody... nothing could be further from the truth. Texas is not a "mother state"... it is the asshole state; they rule in favor of whomever is the asshole. Favoring mothers was in the "old days" before the court system realized they had a money maker of a system on their hands... I mean why would you rule in the better parents favor especially if they make very little money when you can side with the psychopath that makes over six figures and can be a financial asset and funnel money into the corruption? When you have the money makers coming through the court rooms with the ability to keep dinner on all these cockroaches (yes, looking at you Tarrant County Family Court)  tables every night; the judges, the ad items, the amicuses, the attorneys, the baliffs, the court reporters, the court appointed therapists (eye roll) and psychological testers, etc.... why would you rule in favor of the poor parent who is likely the one with some actual morals and values and likely the underdog? Gee, I don't know... why the heck would you? How would that profit anyone? (insert sneer)

​This man who was annihilated like me by the court system is angry. He has every right to be. He's on the verge of getting in his car and driving off. Not because he doesn't care. He does. Maybe too much to self detriment. Because this is killing him. He can't take anymore parental alienation, he said/she said, tears and suffering... he can't take anymore lies, crazy-making and chaos. He just wants to parent his child and live his life. He's sick of having to drive to hell and back because his ex wife made the selfish decision at the courts blessing to move so far away he has to navigate multiple cities just to do a simple child exchange. He's tired, just beyond tired. He sees the anxiety and fear and doubt she's planted in their child and realizes each times he sees his child he's losing bit by bit and the pain is becoming too great for him to bear. He's exhausted and sleep deprived from all the long-term stress and just the image of the judge makes his blood boil with rage at the injustice... this is why people lose it in the heat of temporary insanity and go on shooting sprees. He's merely living day to day in a blur of depression and worry and financial bleakness because for whatever reason even though she earns much more and he has little time he must pay child support. He curses the day he met her and longs for what could have been if he'd married someone with a heart. He dreams of better but like the wind as it blows by knows that isn't something he can just reach out and grasp at whim and want. He knows he can't keep doing this... day by day.... bit by bit and I know it's coming... the day he drives off and never looks back. They say love never fails... but I'm not so sure anymore. People fail... humans fail to hang in there when they simply cannot psychologically take anymore.


I remember when I was twenty when I worked for a family law attorney firm and heard of a woman who had lost custody of her child... I had immediately thought what a sorry piece of work she must be... after all, I thought who on earth loses their child? At twenty years old I had no idea. Never say never. Never judge. Because when you do life has a not so funny way of letting you experience what you thought was unimaginable. We so often think the terrible things that happen in other's lives are of their own making and their own fault... I'm all for owning your part in life circumstances ... but we must also realize that no one asks to lose their child.... and someone who does is not always but perhaps being targeted by absolute evil. We are so quick to make assumptions and diagnose situations based on a two minute glance.... but there is much, much more for us to learn in this life along the road of empathy, understanding and compassion.


​www.gracepowerstrength.com

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