The Sociopath Wants You To Suffer To Destruction: God And Unanswered Prayers

We cannot expect help from the one who hit us, verbally berated us, singed our souls. We cannot expect the snake to soothe the bite they give us. We cannot expect mercy from the devil when on our knees. We cannot expect a melody when we are struck by thunder. We cannot look for what we need from the one who snatched what was ours away. Essentially the one who stole from you... whatever that may be... they are the thief who is relentless and will steal again and again. They are like the tainted needle that pricks you not once but over and over. They are like the lion who gnashes his teeth only for you to tiptoe away and be nipped at. They are the evil one who smiles and holds a knife behind their back just lying in wait for you to come closer.... then watch you shrink away in horror all while laughing in sick amusement.

​Once we leave a sociopath we may not realize it but that very day we have begun our slow but certain journey of recovery and healing. We will learn so much... we will learn that they will not change. We will learn that what they do is purposeful. We will learn that they never really loved us. We will learn all the red flags of a narcissistic sociopath and how to recognize them sooner so we can see them as not just red flags but actual deal breakers. We will learn to say no and that saying no doesn't equate to us being mean. We will learn to detox ourselves from people pleasing and all that "good" we believed the narc had... now we see reality as it is and that they were merely wearing a mask. We will learn to embrace self care and see that we may have a tendency to not ask for help when we need it. We will learn that people who accuse those of cheating or abuse who aren't doing so are likely using the emotional abusive tool of projection. We will learn that we are so strong... much stronger than we ever thought and in that we may rely on precious faith, friends, family, whatever gets us through. We may learn that love and empathy go hand in hand and actions speak louder than words. We may learn that yes, we can heal... and I promise you that you can and will... but it takes time... it takes many steps forward, many backward and then forward again.... be patient, don't give up. In that... it's incredibly important to be realistic... and know that as long as we must have limited contact due to shared custody it is unlikely we will reach complete healing while in that... as each time the narc pulls a new stunt we are almost yanked back into the pit as we try to scramble away from the edge. There is a lot of re-triggering and re-victimizing that occurs that may hit you like a ton of bricks because you were wholly unprepared for it.... I tell you this to help inform and prepare you so maybe the shock isn't so great. We learn what real love is... real love is consistent and doesn't lie, cheat, hurt or destroy. Real love nurtures, soothes, calms and kisses your scars. Real love isn't selfish but selfless and real love keeps the promises they made the day they stood before you, your loved ones and God making them.

Those of you who know someone like in the description above know that what I'm describing is a sociopath. Whether male or female they are vicious and unrelenting and enjoy seeing you suffer. The damage they do is purposeful. If you're new to this reign of hell please read that again. The damage they do is purposeful. I used to think sociopaths were only those psycho killers on 20/20 or Dateline. But they aren't just innocuous drifters that roam from here to there. Most of them appear "normal"... they go to college, get their degree (did you know that a large number of sociopaths get their degrees in business?) go on to get married, buy a house with a picket fence and live the dream with a kid or two. Most of them are your everyday Joe's (and Susie Q's) and go unnoticed as being criminally prone, abusive and emotionally destructive to others. Laci Peterson was determined by experts to have been married to a sociopath. She is a prime example of how jolting and shocking it can be that maybe many folks are going to sleep next to one every night not realizing they are on borrowed time. Till death do we part takes on a whole new meaning in that context. Even if they don't kill you they are going to make your life miserable through various ways they attempt to cause pain and chaos.... all the while pointing the finger and saying you're the criminal.


September 2017

​names have been omitted in this post

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​I walked barefoot into the kitchen wearing boxer shorts and a black Johnny Cash t-shirt. Hair pinned up with bobby pins I breathed in the wonderful aroma of banana bread baking. "Oh my goodness... something smells delicious!" I exclaimed with a southern drawl and smile. I made my way around the island to the refrigerator and retrieved a small bottle of cranberry juice. Proceeding to twist it open and pour it's contents into a glass over ice I stood at the counter as my mother walked in and she spoke....

​"I'm making banana bread!" She told me cheerfully and with her oven mitt carefully opened the oven door to check on it. I peeked inside with her and saw it slowly rising to golden brown perfection.

​"Oh, yum..." I told her "That looks amazing. You always made the best banana bread growing up. I miss it." I told her. Sometime in 2004 I had developed an allergy to banana's. It was disappointing too, when the kids were babies I had made banana pudding all the time and we loved it.

​Sitting at the kitchen table while she puttered around the kitchen preparing her dinner I spoke "So he sold his Range Rover to pay for his attorneys fees." I told my mother referring to my ex. "That tells me he must be living far beyond his means."

​She murmured agreement and finally spoke as she stirred her ingredients in a mixing bowl "You know what really gets me about this situation? Is here you were married to him and you weren't demanding. There are a lot of women who have to have their toes and nails done every week or every other week... shopping at Neiman Marcus and going to get their hair done at high end salons.... you did everything on the cheap. He didn't appreciate what he had. Now look at how it's changed. " She pointed out.

​I nodded, "Yeah... I know. Now he has someone who frequents the salon, expects a country club membership, won't buy Target clothes and spends who knows how much on flights back and forth to the UK. But she fits a certain image to project. She's just a lot more expensive and he's paying for it. He sent me a message back after I told him I didn't have the money to pay him for the children's out of pocket medical expenses. He said I need to make some sacrifices in my life to pay my expenses. I'd really like to know what those should be. I mean, really? Electricity? Water? I have a job where I really need to get my nails done but I continue to go without. Manicures don't grow on trees." I took a sip of juice then added... "He filed this change of custody, gets what he wants and then has the nerve to tell me I need to make sacrifices." I grimaced then reflecting, added "And the irony of all this is she didn't want to spend more time with him anyway." I said referring to my daughter...."Then he has the nerve to attempt to guilt trip her by telling her he had to sell his Range Rover to pay his attorney. That's not her fault. Gimme a break... no one is buying what he's selling. She knew what he was doing."

​"I agree.... I think it takes a lot of nerve. But he's shown you who he is... don't expect differently. " She replied.

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​When we are with a narcissistic sociopath we sacrifice so much... we may sacrifice our self worth, our self care, self love, our health, our careers, goals, dreams, talents, bodies, energy... the list goes on and on. We sacrifice so much of our time... likely our youth and time we could be spending doing what is needed for ourselves versus on them. But once we leave a sociopath the expected sacrifices seem to continue... they expect us to sacrifice our peace by engaging with them whether by text, phone calls, email, Our Family Wizard, in person, etc. The expect us to sacrifice our time by using it to engage in lengthy, contentious court battles and documentation. They expect us to sacrifice our money by using it all up to fight them in a custody fight we never had a chance at winning. They expect us to stay in their orchestrated circus and deal with them no matter what sacrificing our health and happiness. They expect us to continue to give them ego-fueled supply through some form of contact however minimal and sacrifice our dignity while being demeaned by enablers and court systems. They expect us to let them toy with us and our emotions and use our children as pawns to hurt us. They expect us to take all the blame for whatever destruction and chaos they choose to inflict. They expect us to either succumb to the toxicity of the situation and become so hopelessly depressed we off ourselves or become broke and lose everything and end up on the street without our children, home, vehicle and money.

​It goes back to knowing what were dealing with. I know I'm dealing with an unrepentant toxic individual who is the equivalent of an emotionally and spiritually stunted boy. Logically and rationally I can say this person is not worth my time, energy or resources. I know that to be true. I also know that my anger is justified and yet my attitude and anger has dangerously crept into unhealthy territory lately. I have wished every horrific thing/consequence possible upon him. I have sinned and have taken my anger out on God as well... putting God in "time-out" so to speak has been a way however unspiritual or unproductive to deal with an almost impossible situation. It's hard when you know so many people are praying out of the goodness of their hearts for good change in your situation and yet nothing happens that we become so frustrated and wonder why were hearing crickets instead of miracles descending from above. I believe when our child is used as a weapon and then taken from us we cannot do anything but sit or stand and stare blankly and finally when we do move; crawl/ walk it's the equivalent of operating in a zombie-like state. The Saturday following the ruling I stayed in bed all day. I sobbed off and on all day. I don't remember the last time I cried that much. My phone kept pinging and texts were flowing in from people near and far... "Jennifer, checking on you... please let me know if you're ok.", "Jen, haven't heard from you... worried. Text or call me." , "Jen, answer your phone." , "Jennifer, I heard the news. I'm so sorry. Praying." , "Jen.... I know it's been awhile but I heard what happened. Please know I'm thinking of you." The outpouring of love, concerns and prayers from people I know, blog readers and even strangers were touching, needed and very much appreciated.

So we come out of this court ruling feeling like we've experienced a death. The emotions have held many similarities to when I lost my sister... and in that as always the anger begins to surface and the outrage and the turning to God and mentally yelling "Where were YOU?????!!!!" the finger-pointing.... and then turning your back on Him. Thinking putting Him in time out does any good... thinking "Well, I just don't know that I can believe in a God that can fix this but hasn't"... and trying to pull at the tiniest bit of faith you have left... like trying to grasp that sliver of thread through the eye of a needle and feeling like you're failing miserably. That's been me the past month. I've been failing miserably. I've not been the best example of anything Godly. But I'm still here however patched together. I need God more than ever. I've needed to step back and get some perspective... to see past my anger and look at the bigger picture. I'm gaining strength and it's slow but I'm determined... thank God for God's great grace, Him staying by our side and love for us no matter how frustrated and despaired we may feel. I think this biggest emotion of all in this is often frustration. I am a fixer by nature. I see a problem and I want to fix the darn thing. I'm usually the first one to say "Give it here, let me fix it." So what do you do when you can't seem to fix a problem and feel like you failed and failed your child and yet God doesn't seem to be fixing it either? Or at least not on the fast track you'd like. We perhaps hold a lot of frustration within that ends up spilling out in unhealthy ways... our thoughts, our words, our cursing, our actions even if just self detrimental and our relationship with God becomes strained and distant... this is when we begin to believe the lies of the devil... that God has abandoned us and left us to our own devices to fix whatever the problem is. I can relate to Job in the bible... {Job 30:20} in that I've been asking God, praying to God for this situation to be fixed and now when I believe (once again!) my pleas have been ignored I angrily charge God as not being there for me. Sometimes our view of the big picture is clouded by our situation and it's awfulness. Sometimes our prayers are not answered due to we still curse the one coming against us. Sometimes our miracle does not come to fruition due to our prayers not holding the belief they truly will. Often we grumble about what He hasn't given us and simultaneously grumble about the one who comes against us. We cannot do that and expect God to answer our prayers.... we must go to God, repent and then humbly pray again for what we desire with a pure and clean heart.


We can only do what we can do... I will do what I can to make changes through the court system through raising awareness of our judges and voting... I will do what I can for my daughter and be there for her... I will do what I can in regards to my son and let him know I want that relationship and hope for change. But aside from that? It's God. It's His deal... He's in control. All I can do is control myself.... my emotions, my heart, my reactions, my choices and my self care. I cannot expect my ex to stop... that would be naively stupid.... because he won't. It goes back to the beginning of this post... I cannot expect healing or something different from what he's already shown a past history of extending my way. But I can stop mentally griping at God for suffering. Why do I believe I'm exempt from suffering? I'm no different than the person beside me. Yes, we'd all like our suffering to stop. Of course we would, were human. But it's not my job to tell God "to cut it out" nor is it my job to "make my ex pay!" for all he's inflicted. Injustice screams to be fixed, yes, but not in a vindictive or spiteful way... it is God's place to do what He deems correct and in His way. Christ suffered far more than we have and in that we can be thankful .... we sometimes lose sight of this and need to take a breather... get some perspective and rethink this... sometimes we must step away so we can be objective and do that soul searching to see where we've gone astray.


​I hope this post helps... I had a longtime reader reach out to me this week.... what he had to say was honest yet graced with love... and much needed for me to hear. It's not to self-shame myself or others... we are plugging along and trying to keep going.....no matter what were going through... it's tough. But in that God wants the glory for "fixing" our problem whatever that may be.... and if were trying to control it that doesn't really work. If were losing sight of who God is then that doesn't make us effective leaders or ministering to others. If we don't truly believe God has the ability to change our situation it's going to be a fruitless pocket of prayers we pray. God may not fix your situation today, tomorrow, next week or next year and on the timeline you wish.... BUT He is there for you giving you the grace, power and strength through it all and you can rest knowing that unshakable truth.

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