names have been omitted in this post
"Daddy is going to Mexico for work." My daughter told me via FaceTime
then added "He will be gone for a few days."
"Oh, really?" I murmured.
My thoughts automatically returned to the year or two leading up to October 2012 when I discovered his infidelity. He had been traveling to Mexico "for work" and I say that loosely because he was at the time taking one of the many women he'd cheated on me with along with him. This particular woman was the spitting image of me... just ten years younger; it was uncanny how similar we looked; our faces, our hair, our style, the way we dressed, etc as I realized when I discovered photos of her on the computer at home. He was typically traveling to Mexico City and Guadalajara for business. Him traveling to Mexico had always left me feeling unsettled... naturally I always worried about him when he traveled.... more so if he was out of the country as he traveled to China as well. My daughter stating he was en-route to Mexico brought back a memory of when he'd traveled there for work and when he returned reported that one day stopped in heavy traffic the car in front of him was accosted by masked men with guns. They proceeded to rob the driver and passengers of their wallets, watches and rings. He seemed unnerved by the incident but not much ever really rattled him... yet I remember feeling at a loss for words at how upset I felt hearing this and being so relieved he was alright... being so thankful he'd not been harmed... being so grateful it hadn't been the car he'd been in. In one instant he could have been robbed or worse... killed.
It's interesting how at the time our perspective is so limited. Our perspective is one of "I have a spouse who loves me" and we love them; so naturally we are anxiously awaiting word they reached their destination okay... we are naturally awaiting word their flight made it in alright... we are naturally eager to hear that they made it safely to their hotel room and are behind a closed locked door for the night. We are operating under the false belief that this person feels the same for us... that that anxious checking, love and care is unwaveringly mutual. I believe it is this untruth that we believe only to later realize it was all a lie is what makes us gasp to grip on what is truly our reality. The reality being that they don't care.... they don't love us... they wouldn't do the same for us. I can see that now.... hindsight being 20/20... he was never there when I truly needed him; not when I was sick with VCD, not when I was dealing with crises related to the children, not when I was dealing with his mother interfering. It was when I needed him the most that he let me down... but we don't see it at the time or maybe we do but in some way or another we justify their actions of not caring like "Oh, he's been busy with work", or "She has been stressed with the house, kids, etc" ... or worse... we admit the hurt it's inflicted but give them another chance.... and another and another to our very self detriment. We take on this full time project of trying to make a stench-of-a-situation smell like sweet perfume by making it what we want it to be in our mind... maybe that's admittedly a toxic enabling of ourselves and them... but it's dangerous because we begin creating a new shifting reality that really doesn't exist; one of where we are loved and it's not that bad... and we create/craft such a façade on our social media and in our own minds trying so desperately to make it be what we want... and we end up on some level feeling like a fraud. Yet in that there ARE occasional pops of brightness and good that make us feel affirmed it must not be so bad... after all... "Everyone has problems... right? Right???" We tell ourselves.
But with a narcissist we are praying for someone who never prays for us.... we are worrying ourselves sick over someone's health, safety and soul that never gives us and our well being a second thought. We naively believe that just because they say "I love you" that they really mean it... I mean, why wouldn't we? We probably grew up believing that if someone told us something so important, so weighty, so meaningful as "I love you" then they must mean it. But a personality disordered person doesn't really love anyone. They toss "I love you" around like black confetti... it's comparable to specks of black coal. They are only after what they can get not what they can give. If something had happened to him in Mexico that day during his trip I would have been left a widow; wrongly believing he cared on some level for me. I would have mourned and grieved a man that never gave me a second thought as he cheated on with me with multiple people. I shudder at that. I would have felt small, abandoned and alone and maybe even buried the pain he'd inflicted and put him on a pedestal in the aftermath. I think that's a horrible way to live and yet so many of us likely live that way; our spouse cheats on us only for us to never find out and then mourn the passing of someone who never gave a second thought about us. It's amazing how our perspective changes as circumstances change and we realize our true reality.
Fear of abandonment. Do you have it? Anyone who has experience narcissistic abuse likely does... even the most secure, strong and independent person... abandonment issues can affect even the most robust warriors of life. I remember in high-school in one of my classes a guy who sat behind me telling another classmate one day about his dad and how great he was. After listening for a bit the kid asked him "So where is your mom? You never talk about her." It's not difficult to discern that if someone never brings up a parent more than likely that parent is a sore subject... likely behind the silence there is much conveyed despite the lack of words... often more than maybe people realize. I silently guessed before the words even escaped his lips. There was a slight pause and then he spoke "She left when I was a baby... she didn't want me, man." He replied offhandedly. I wanted to hug him but didn't. But I felt tears frame my eyes and I knew behind all that silence, all those words left unsaid and now those simple words that were sadly uttered held significant pain and loss. At the time I wondered what had happened to her... meaning what made her leave? At that time I would have cast all blame upon her... questioning what selfish decisions caused her to walk off. Now? Now I don't... now I wonder about alternate possibilities... maybe the dad was abusive and threatened her... or maybe she couldn't financially take him with her... or yes, maybe she really didn't want a baby. I don't know. But I knew this young man was on a long road of needing to work through what he was left with.... a primal and understandable fear of being left... and hopefully proactively dealing with the remaining issues she'd left behind before romantically latching onto a woman in hopes of one day feeling safe, wanted, valued, loved. He needed to heal from being told by his mothers actions when she left "you're not important"... and "you don't matter" ... and "I don't love you." Because more than likely he would end up feeling a deep inner fear of being abandoned one day by any future woman.... and I certainly hoped better than that for him.
But you don't have to actually be abandoned by a parent or walked away from by a partner to feel abandoned and have issues with abandonment. Often times abandonment occurs within the parameters of a relationship; notably when it's toxic. Narcissistic parents and partners both cause feelings of abandonment within their relationships with their children and spouses. With narcissistic parents they see their children as extensions of their own egos... muddying the lines of boundaries in what is healthy and not. Abandonment occurs for a child when they do not feel accepted by their parent and realize their parent expects them to follow their dreams, goals, ambitions and footsteps. The child feels as though they must hide or shed a portion of themselves to please said parent or else any love bestowed upon them is withdrawn... causing deep and innate fear and anxiety. If a parent is an alcoholic and fails to get up the next morning for work and instead of taking personal responsibility blames the child for not waking them through scolding, yelling, shaming, punishment, etc... that child grows up feeling responsible for other's actions... learning that if they fail to take care of others they ultimately feel abandoned by them. Narcissistic parents want to see their child do well not for their child's well being but for their own... they don't want anyone making them "look bad". Hence if their child doesn't make the team at try outs the narcissistic parent may scream, rage and punish them.... this leads the child to feeling completely worthless because the narc parent has wrapped up the child's complete self worth in whether or not they make the team... ignoring how they tried, ignoring all their other great abilities, feelings and even if their child had any desire to play in the first place. To a narc parent abandoning their child's emotional health is their toxic go to.
A narcissistic partner is much like a narcissistic parent when it comes to abandonment... they abandon their spouse within the marriage. If their spouse becomes ill and must find what medical help in discerning what is going on, they are usually left figuring it out for themselves. If they develop cancer and need emotional or physical support they often find themselves leaning on others beside their spouse due to the narcissist being absent. If they are going through a particularly emotional time in their life either due to the loss of a loved one or high stress and anxiety they will find themselves without solace from their narcissistic partner. If you are going through having to pay sky high premiums due to a pre-existing health condition like my mother did and your spouse refuses to pay for them you will find yourself up a financial creek without a paddle. The narcissistic spouse would rather see you crawl under a rock and die from lack of health care than pay a penny toward your goodwill and health. They abandon their spouse and yet twist and spin the truth and state you aren't doing x,y,z... it is their way of flinging off what they are doing or not doing and making you out to be the issue. But the abandonment goes one step further when the narc spouse cheats on their partner and replaces them with someone new. People who have been targeted by a narcissistic abuser may want a relationship; more specifically want to be LOVED but they have been through so much devastation more than likely they are willing to wait for something that is true. They realize they need the time required to heal from years of toxicity. But not a narc... they are already on to the next person long before they've dumped their current partner or been walked away from. They replace with new; a new partner and sometimes even new children completely erasing what you had with them... sending you a cruel message that you never mattered one bit to them... not only that but then proceeding to treat you terribly just because they can.
A narcissist or sociopath has an agenda... to waffle between adoring you, telling you all the lovely things you want to hear (sucking you in) and abandoning you making you question if what is happening is really occurring... causing you to seek them like a hungry child after a chocolate bar... you want them to not leave you... causing so much anxiety within and unsettledness in the relationship. My ex when we dated sang along to Forever And Ever, Amen by Randy Travis to me. I couldn't make him be the husband he needed to be. I couldn't make him really mean the words he sang. It's the equivalent of a little dog chasing it's own tail... you never get anywhere; it never improves, you never make progress, you never receive a true and genuine unwavering love from them. Instead you are continually seeking something you will never ever be able to grasp.... as your hand continually reaches out to them for reassurance, for affection and love you will simply see them walking away... leaving you in nothing but a puddle of tears and feelings of unworthiness, uncertainty and emptiness. You don't deserve to live life like that... you deserve a love that never ever abandons you but instead holds you tighter if and when you have any doubts whatsoever.
some names have been omitted in this post
It was a warm late summer day in Texas and we were waiting at the family court house downtown for the trial to begin. My ex of five years after a twelve year marriage had filed a motion to change custody... asking for more time with our daughter (after already obtaining full custody of our son due to him alienating him since 2014) under the guise of "the children needing to be together"... which was completely ridiculous since our son spent the majority of his time at the neighbors home and hence our children rarely saw each other. But my ex was using the idea of siblings needing to be together as the reason to gain more custody of her... at trial he would get on the stand and state that the two kids were "all over each other" which quite frankly if that were true (which it wasn't) could be construed as perverted, incestuous and at minimum weird due to them being different genders and their older ages.... that was the oddest statement to make and caused me to raise my eyebrows. But do you think the court saw it that way? Oh heck no... because so many people swallow his lies like hungry pigs in slop... eager to take all that mess in and enable his lying spiel of garbage.
Our daughter was telling a completely different version... the truth. Which was she rarely saw her brother and did not want to be at her dad's as much... that she wanted more time with me... which she would end up telling Judge Patricia Bennett in the Tarrant County Family Court... who then informed us that just because that's what our child wants that didn't necessarily mean that was how she was going to rule. By that statement we can see that Judge Bennett proved she had zero empathy regarding my daughters feelings and the situation we've had in how her dad treats her. Judge Bennett proved that she did not care because she went and ruled in the exact opposite for zero justified reason... one of her reasons being she doesn't like me writing a blog about narcissism, divorce, custody and the court system. Ms. Bennett fails to realize that my writing has NOTHING to do with my ability to parent day to day which is what is to be looked at by the court; that's the factor in deciding custody... my general writing is not even a factor in this case or situation. What WAS a factor in this case were my blog posts related to my ex's behavior giving detailed truthful examples of such and three years worth of my daughters journal entries yet she completely ignored both and chose to not give a custody change that would be in our daughters best interests.
Writing about these topics has nothing to do with my parenting skills but does show my ex’s apathy, alienation and purposeful harm. I actively listen to my daughter's woes, worries, triumphs and joys... ensuring she is heard, hugged, taught empathy and kindness by example, nutritiously fed (although in her opinion she is in a chronic dessert deficit) and encouraged to exercise by example (which she balks at but hey... we all have to do it to be healthy) and I ensure she does her homework, brushes her teeth, applies sunscreen, etc... all the things a good, responsible and loving parent does along with setting an example of good morals, faith and responsibility. It doesn’t seem to matter how nurturing and responsible you are, the courts rule in the favor of the apathetic parent... causing heartbreak for the good parent and child. I’ve provided a stable, safe and loving home environment for our daughter since our divorce in 2012.
Therapist Gina Galloway stated in a parent consult to me that there has been nothing to show I have been an unfit parent much less shouldn’t be seeing my children.
Judge Bennett stated that my ex has been there for both of our children since 2014 (after my loss of a relationship with our son) and since I “abandoned” our son which is a blatant lie. My ex alienated our son from me preying on the fact he has Aspergers. My ex has not been there for our daughter as she’s felt emotionally neglected and harmed by his alienating behaviors like blocking our phone communication. Our son has been absent from his fathers home the majority of the time due to loathing his fathers new wife as of summer 2016. Judge Bennett decided to UPROOT our daughter from her consistent and stable schedule in my home based on unjustified grounds which she openly admitted in court by stating that she cannot make me stop writing due to free speech but there may be consequences... meaning less time with my daughter. Ms. Bennett needs to be held responsible for her unethical and outrageous behavior and ruling; she is unfit to be on the bench overseeing my custody case and the well being of my children. I have no doubt there are others who feel the same as we know due to groups like One Mom's Battle on Facebook and Protective Parents of Texas as there are countless parents; both moms and dads that have lost time or full custody with their children here in the DFW area and beyond.
The amicus Susan Duesler cornered my mother prior to the trial and wanted to speak with her. My mother had zero interest in conversing with this woman. Generally speaking some people in life are pushy, ignore social cues and believe they have the right to engage with you. We come across these types all throughout life whether it's in a professional setting, romantic or in meeting day to day strangers.... there are those who believe they have the right to overstep boundaries and even dare try to.
“What do you think you could say to Jennifer to get her to stop writing and shut the blog down?” She asked my mother. She had already spent a lot of time pressuring my attorney to get me to stop writing. One of my two attorneys was beyond exasperated that she had been unsuccessful with getting me to shut it down but I didn't care... I told her "I'm writing the truth! It's my life! To that she argued back but I didn't have the time nor patience for her tsk tsking... I saw it to each their own... you worry about your life and I'll tend to mine over here. My other attorney, he didn't believe I should shut it down... "You're a prolific writer" he told me. There was so much time that the amicus should have been using to read through the evidence I submitted so she could follow up with pertinent questions of my ex on the stand at trial yet failed to do so and that time was ultimately wasted. Instead while on the stand she attacked me in an abrasive and demeaning manner and let everything my daughter had written in her journal about her father slide without addressing my ex on those points. It’s so interesting how when someone continues to harass you to stop doing something you have to wonder why; What are their intentions? What are their motives? Why does it bother them so much? These are certainly questions we must ask ourselves. The truth is it wouldn’t matter if I wrote the blog or not... they were hell bent on making me the issue and me out to be a bad parent (they needed a scapegoat) and my ex a good one... and anyone (including my friends and family) knows from reading this blog the past five years that’s just ridiculous. Even if I’d pulled the plug to make them happy and shut it down they still would have ruled in my ex’s favor. I have no doubt about that. This was about power and control. My mother has been a great supporter of my writing and the blog due to she herself lived an abusive marriage with my father for over thirty five years and in that has unfortunately witnessed and been subjected to the continual litigation my ex has pursued following our divorce.... seeing the affects it's had on both of my children and myself.
“Well, she IS an adult... and she hears from women all over telling her they read it and it’s helped them.” She told her.
”Yes, but she could help people other ways... I mean, if she wants to help people she could go back to school and get a degree in something to help them.” She informed my mother. I find it interesting how NO ONE ever asked this woman for her opinion... no one. Ms. Duesler has a degree and IS in a professional position to help people and all she's done is cause extreme loss, stress and upset for me and my daughter. Generally speaking a degree is useless if you're not using it for good... in the matter of child custody it's merely a legalized license to do great harm if you’re not using it for the good of the children.
Ms. Duesler continued “So why didn’t Jennifer finish college?” She asked.
“She was going back to school after they got married, after they moved back to Texas from California. She was trying but she got pregnant with their son and she was having terrible morning sickness... it was all the time. She had to keep leaving the classroom sick and couldn’t keep her grades up. Then she planned on finishing after their son was born but her husband was traveling for work and then there was the autism diagnosis... so she never finished.” My mother explained.
“Well, she’s smart... I mean, she’s really, really smart... she could still go back and finish and do something to help others rather than write.” Susan replied... "I guess she thinks she has a cause."
“Well, she likes writing, this is her passion and she feels this IS her cause to help others.” My mother replied.
Ms. Duesler continues to be involved in this case for six months post trial and the newest decree (I've lost count how many we’ve had, eye roll) being signed by Judge Bennett after the trial... that means her involvement will hopefully end in February 2018. Jane Phillips has agreed to do the reunification therapy for my son and I, which I was glad but I have yet to see progress... because I believe it will be thwarted. The courts set you up to fail. The court takes away your child support for no reason and then when you cannot afford to take your child for the full amount of time because gas and food do cost money they want to point the finger. Because the previous court outcome was not in my daughters best interests I have little hope the court will suddenly be receptive toward me and or grant me more time with my daughter... if anything I believe they will do everything they can to cut down my time more or completely out of vindictiveness. The court system likes to act insulted when someone states they are corrupt and yet they go and commit the very actions and rulings that back up those statements. Go figure.
I have zero faith in the family court system truly looking out for any child's best interests... some groups and individuals would call that being disgruntled by not getting my way... some like to call us spoiled brats having temper tantrums but it's not that. The fact is there was no reason for my daughter to lose time with me... Sunday nights are heart wrenching now because when I have her she crawls into my bed and buries her face into my shoulder crying she has to go back to her dad's when she wants to be with me more... this is not a new issue... she has been living this nightmare and his negative pattern of behaviors for five years now. If a mother is a good mother little girls need to have their mommies in their life as much as possible.... they need that maternal affirmation, assurance, listening ear and love.
The court needs to fix this mess they helped create when they tore her away from me drastically cutting our time together... they are further ruining her childhood after her father already spearheaded that by cheating and not putting his family first. He had two small children; a son with moderate to severe special needs and a daughter with slight special needs... both children needed the stability of a tightknit home and yet he chose the selfishness of sex and lust over what was right and loving. I've heard the term "you play, you pay" so many times and yet the court doesn't see it that way... it's more like "you play, yippee your ex gets to pay" .... in this sick and morally bankrupt modern world where being an adulterer is not viewed as selfish in family court but instead likely that both people weren't doing something they needed to do to keep the marriage afloat... the whole philosophy of "well, you picked him or her out!" which isn't true when who you married doesn't match the person you're now trying to fight just to see your babies. The family court system is completely inept and uneducated when it comes to personality disorders (probably because they are disordered themselves) and recognizing the signs of a parent who displays those traits. The other saying of "well, he or she isn't divorcing their children just you" is such a bs line... I'd like to find the fool who came up with that one and knock them upside the head.... because they ARE choosing to harm their children when they step out and choose another woman or man over their spouse... they are NOT protecting their family... they are CHOOSING to destroy their child's trust and family unit and future belief in love and then they want to yap like an entitled dog who wants their treat(!) that they want to see their kids and oh by the way... they want to get out of child support too... when in fact adultery should be addressed by the court system (maybe then people would think twice before doing it) ... but that would require the courts to actually have Godly morals and values.... which we know they don't. The playing field isn’t even... not when it comes to money, not when it comes to morals and what is acceptable behavior and not when it comes to viewing a case and parties without bias.
If you are going through a custody battle in the family court system my heart goes out to you. Sometimes people think that just because you have an issue with something you must BE the issue... but that’s just not true. Back in my twenties I used to think people who stood on corners and protested were some kind of extremist hell raising outspoken nut jobs. Now I don't. Now I think something so horrible in life has affected those people they feel the dire need to speak up in the hopes for change. God bless them. Like I stated earlier I believe many with the family court system or associated with it think the parents who are raising their voice to be heard and are raising awareness of the corruption are merely just disgruntled litigants that didn’t get their way and are now acting out like belligerent spoiled children. But that couldn’t be further from the truth... I have heard from so many people... strangers that have lost partial custody or all custody to abusive ex’s that it cannot be mere coincidence... and several friends of mine, (interestingly enough men) who have themselves and their children been targets of a corrupted family court system. This begins to show me that it’s not about gender but money because in every one of these cases the parent who received more time with their children made more money. I’ve seen it happen over and over again... and or the parent who gets more custody is an abuser or at minimum manipulative. Our children deserve more... it used to be that people were generally afraid to speak out about these situations they found themselves in but the times and attitudes are changing... with great thankfulness they are... we cannot make progress without speaking up. If we are stating the truth of what was said and done and sharing our stories with the people in our communities we are more powerful than we think. We are powerful when we use our voice and votes for change. It truly begins with us.... we are the warriors... even if we’ve lost custody we can write letters, we can write books, we can create videos online to share factual evidence of what is happening to our children... when I say “our children” I mean individually and collectively as a whole... all the children who have been affected by these corrupt and injustified rulings. Calling all warriors to stand up and take a united stand against the injustices done through family court against our children.
Psalm 23:4 ESV
Even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
names have been omitted in this post
He and I if having met at another time (timing is often everything) could have foreseen a great relationship together... he was now with someone... he'd met someone amazing and was so happy, he texted me. I read his words as I sat in my vehicle absorbing them before I started the ignition to depart home from Tom Thumb... I'd felt happiness for him and was genuinely thrilled for him... he was handsome, had a fantastic sense of humor, by all accounts appeared to be a good provider and most of all had a caring heart... he had been very encouraging to me in regards to my writing and launching the new website and as we all know empathy and encouragement are a must for a boyfriend or husband to have. Yet in that as I drove home I couldn't help but feel a piercing pang of
"Gee... I hope I have that one day."
Once home I tossed my sunglasses and keys onto the counter top and proceeded to wash my hands and rinse off my face, feeling the cool splash of water on my cheeks. My mother glanced up from the couch in the den nearby and asked about my day. After updating her I mentioned how my friend had met someone and was ecstatic about his connection. As I made my way across the room and took a seat on the couch beside her I pulled off my light grey shrug and draped it across the back of the couch. "I just don't know that when the time is right I'll ever meet the right man." I told her. I had a real problem with trusting that God would send a Godly man my way one day.
She spoke "I don't know why you'd want to.... you don't want another liar and cheater... we don't know anyone with a good marriage." She told me and finally added "I think the blog drastically reduces your chances of ever finding someone. They are either going to read it and be whoever you want them to be and you risk getting tricked again... or they will read it and run...."
"I think anyone who runs is not someone for me." I grimaced.
She murmured agreement "I agree... I think you have some more time to heal from everything... you're not there. Do I think you may meet someone about the time you're fifty? Yes.... that's what my gut tells me... someone who was in a bad marriage and waited till the kids were grown... by then someone who truly wants companionship. I could see that." She told me.
Anyone who has gone through a toxic marriage, nasty divorce and then child custody litigation all while trying to fight parental alienation by an ex knows that all that nonsense is more than enough for anyone's plate. A relationship? That seemed just too soon as what I'd found was that just companionship (dinner, a concert, etc ) was never enough.... they always wanted more whether it was sex or marriage or both. The truth of the matter is.... after being with someone who is a liar and a cheater (you can't be a cheater without being a liar as well) trusting anyone is near impossible. I find myself somewhat leery and suspicious... if someone doesn't appear transparent and genuine and instead seems to exude a façade of cheerfulness that seems put on I keep my distance. If someone has a lot of questions I wonder why and regard their motives. It's reflexive that my antennae goes up and my gut instinct jabs at me like a persistent kid with a pencil in school. Anyone who has gone through this darkly treacherous and isolating passage of being with a sociopath; being love bombed by someone only to marry them and realize they are not the person they tried to make themselves out to be... but instead now seems to be a representative of the devil himself knows what I'm talking about... it all starts oh so lovely and ends oh so horribly awful... with that being the understatement of the century of course.
We have to go through the healing we require before we can be the healthiest us possible after living with abuse... often emotional and verbal abuse and even physical abuse.... before we could even remotely consider getting into another relationship. Since my divorce in 2012 I've had two very short lived relationships (a matter of 3 months or so each) and I can say having those I realize I'm not where I need to be. Maybe you're not either... and that's okay. I think it takes courage to say to oneself: "Hey, I'm not where I need to be... BUT I'm evolving and getting better ... and that's okay!" The alternative to rushing into a relationship too soon is we haven't had the necessary time needed to sit with ourselves and embrace just us... just sitting alone in a room and asking "Okay... what do I want?" It's vital for us to reflect on what mistakes we've made, what we could have done differently in our marriage (even in abusive marriages there are things we could have done differently; should we have practiced more self care? Gone on that trip with the girls we wanted to go on? For a man should he have made more time for his health and taking better care of himself? What about work? Did he work too much? These are all questions we can ask ourselves and determine if we were to marry again how could we write a better script for ourselves and our spouse.
One big issue is if we rush into the next relationship we risk one of two things happening... either we pick out exactly what we had before... another abusive partner... or alternatively we do well and pick out an empathetic person yet we haven't fully healed so we end up projecting(!) everything our spouse did onto this new person and creating issues where there maybe aren't any.... ultimately causing a lot of unintended hurt and damage. Either way... we have a new mess on our hands.... and we don't want that... healing and self care are not selfish choices but absolutely necessary. Healing: It's a long ever-evolving process that takes time and like a death is not linear but often many steps backward then forward then backward again. It requires patience and a personal willingness to put the time in without jumping into the next arms of someone because we don't like being alone, because we want to be held, comforted, nurtured, made love to, etc. If you are looking for true love the Bible says that we must not be unequally yoked (2 Cor 6:14). Christians are commanded to not marry someone who is not a believer... and that is why we must remain cognizant of those wolves in sheep clothing... taking our time; several seasons to get to know someone and not rushing into the next relationship.
As if healing from our divorce wasn't challenging enough and guiding any said children through that process as well and the therapies involved we are now likely dealing with the after affects of abuse from the family court system... that after-effect may very well be in the form of PTSD symptoms because of having your child snatched. If you've divorced a sociopath you know you've divorced the equivalent of the devil... and he (or she) doesn't just go away. They, like a mosquito keeps coming back for another bite and no matter how much you try to give them a swat that sends them permanently away it's futile. You can beg and pray to God for them to leave you alone... you can pray for protection for you and your children. There is evil in this world and for some reason that little saying of "the good die young" often correlates to evil living way long. You cannot control another human being... all you can do is control your reaction. Let's not dismiss the power we have. We have a personal right to limited or no contact with our ex. The family court system is a toxic abusive one that enables the manipulative parent who often seeks more custody not because they care but because they have an agenda to control and punish you and because they have more money. Even if you are following limited contact you cannot keep your ex from pursuing aggressive litigation which they thrive on. I know the aggressive litigation my ex has done has been purposeful with the intent to hurt and destroy... with the court system enabling him to do so... the court system is just as guilty as he is of heinous actions and I believe they will all one day have to answer for their wrong doings before God.
My story is one of hundreds of thousands... there are countless good parents who are living without their children or limited time with them due to 1.) Parental alienation and 2.) A corrupt family court system. Yes, I'm a hell raiser... I will continue to raise my voice and awareness about this situation we have on our hands until something positive is done to fix it.... because there is no way there is such a huge outcry of parents who have had their children TAKEN, STOLEN from them due to terroristic court tactics for it to be mere coincidence. We have a war on our hands, folks... we need to be focused and that focus needs to be on spreading the word about our individual stories within our communities by sharing flyers, etc and why not to vote for said judges... sticking to facts and what they said and did... we need to clean house and take the trash out... we need a complete overhaul of our system. The abuse we may have endured during our marriage just seems to continue by the dirty hands of the judges, ad litems and amicuses... no wonder it takes us so long to heal... because we continue to be re-traumatized by these very people who are supposed to be looking out for our children.
Recently my daughter cried to her father how she wants more time with me. His uncaring dismissive answer was evident: "This is just the way it is." He's a cold uncaring heartless person based on his words and actions. She cried to me regarding his reaction wanting me to fix it and I simply threw it back on him where it belonged and told her: "This was HIS decision. I did NOT file a motion to change custody. He chose this. And he can change it at any time. We can go back to 50/50 or he can give me more time than that. We don't need a judge to do that. He knows you want to be with me more. He can reinstate the 50/50 and child support at anytime. He chooses to do what you don't want. He knows what you want and yet doesn't change it. You have more power than you believe... don't be a doormat... stand up for yourself." I told her.
It's undoubtedly a weary journey to guide our children through the aftermath of a divorce and continuing custody battles. This battle that he's instigated toward me is affecting her.... I don't believe it's healthy to coddle our children and let them believe it's okay to cry about their situation and yet not speak up for themselves... we do not want to raise children who become adults that have no backbone. It may have taken a long time for us to find OUR voice... by God lets not enable and raise a new generation that cannot speak up for themselves. Yes to fighting for our children but I'm not going to send a message of: "It's okay... I'll continue to fight for you while you are silent." No. Once a child is old enough to speak up and articulate what they want which they likely did with the judge as mine did yet were ignored (between ages 10-13) they should and need to speak up if physical safety is not an issue... there are plenty of children that upon exchanges with the other parent just flat out refuse to get out of the car. Good for them. They are finally standing up to a parent they have no desire to see or as much. Sure, that abusive parent will likely accuse alienation... but at some point children need to learn they have more power than they think... them not believing they have any is part of the fault of the toxic parents conditioning of wrong beliefs they've instilled in their child to gain control over them... and partly ours... due to our much needed learning boundaries maybe for the first time and gaining our voice... we have to be the example our children need.
It goes back to we have to spend so much emotional energy into dealing with the after-effects of our toxic ex, the court system and our child's new custody arrangement that who on earth would have the time and energy to delve into a new relationship? Likely we are spending much of our newly free time dabbling in what brings us renewed joy... and enjoying what little time we have if any with our children.... our time is precious and the thought of potentially creating a new family life with someone new may seem exhausting... which is understandable... you've been through so much... much more than anyone should have to bear... and with that it's not selfish to take care of you.... in fact, it's absolutely vital. You've earned your wings to freedom fellow warrior.... there may be those "what if's" to ponder on when it comes to the potential of love... I believe everyone deserves someone who truly loves them warmly and cherishes them more than anyone else on earth... the kind of love written of in books, poems and song of solomon that our hearts long for... but if we haven't sought God and yes, loved ourselves first... we won't ever know if were choosing someone because we really love them or just want to be loved.