Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.
Patsy Cline - Crazy Lyrics | MetroLyrics
names have been omitted in this post
"I just don't think I should have to tell you how to be in a relationship… "I explained gingerly, choosing my words with care. "I mean, I just don't believe I should have to explain the very basics. I got lost leaving your house that one night and had no business driving after dark when I can't see well. I've told you that…." I reminded him. "I flew to Savannah Georgia for a week long vacation and as someone who tells me he loves and cares about me it wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for you to offer to take me to the airport and pick me up." I told him calmly. "It wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for me to expect that of you. Words alone aren't enough. Actions matter. Yet you didn't offer and then when I return to find my car with a dead battery at the airport I text you and let you know I made it in but I'm waiting for a jump from the airport courtesy service… you tell me ok and that you're going to sleep. I didn't feel cared for. It's not insane for me to expect more than this. I deserve more than this." I added, thinking of all the hell I had been through with my ex and standing firm that I wasn't going to entertain a relationship with another unhealthy person. Stand strong, I told myself… you don't have to accept this.
Soon came the blaming… the twisting and finger pointing…"Well… you're so independent and I didn't want to take that from you. And you should have asked me to take you and pick you up. I wondered why you didn't." He told me.
Shock went through me. "Excuse me?" I responded "My independence?" I echoed "Yeah, I'm independent. Yeah, I can drive myself. I've done it before. But what a cop-out on your part. I shouldn't have to ask you." I replied. My thoughts swirled and I thought how incredibly lazy his actions were. His actions didn't reflect love and care. Not even friendship. Far from it. More like thoughtless and indifferent.
I asked him to come pick up the few things he'd left at my home… DVD'S from movie night, a sketch pad, etc. He did begrudgingly and as I stood on the front lawn with oversized Jackie O sunglasses on to hide my face he peered at me closely, scrutinizing and spoke… "You're pulling away from me. You're doing the same thing you did to your ex right before you left him. I can feel it. Please take your sunglasses off and let me look at you." He said and reached out to slip my sunglasses off my face.
I dodged his out-reached grasp by backing up and pursed my lips saying nothing. My silence said everything. But my mind was spinning. I bit my tongue and held back. I didn't feel safe to say much. A man's words to me once echoed in my head "Don't poke the bear…" and I clung to them… just ease him out of here, I thought to myself. I pasted a smile on my face, told him I'd be in touch sometime soon, that I had a lot on my plate for now, managed one last weak smile and gently told him goodbye with a hug. Then watched as he drove away.
Soon came the texts to follow… the gates opened and what resembled crazy came pouring out at me "You're right, please give me another chance…" and then back to more blaming... "I'm not a mind reader and a psychic..." Soon came in texts upon harassing texts… texts that ranged from crying "I care about you and love you and don't want to lose you…" to "I promise I won't text you again…" and then ironically, oh so painfully the phone pinged that another stream of despondent forlorn texts had arrived. Texts that if printed would fill a book… texts that became more and more desperate to get a response. Texts that left me with shaking hands and my beginning to feel like I was trapped , my PTSD kicking in and feeling held hostage like I was in some sort of texting hell. No, no, no. Make. It. Stop. I thought as I finally silenced my phone after days of non-stop harassment.
Soon came an unannounced visit to my home with roses and I had had enough. I finally broke my silence and texted him that his excessive texting and visit was making me begin to think I needed a restraining order. More texts streamed in that he didn't want me to feel that way and he was so sorry and that he just didn't want to lose me and he didn't understand how he had screwed up so bad.
A man's words mean nothing
if his actions don't reflect love.
A man's love means nothing
if he twists and blames you for where he failed.
A man's sanity is questioned if he doesn't know to step back and assess his behavior and give space to others but instead engages in a desperate plea that only serves to further push you away and question your very safety.
10 SIGNS HE'S NOT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY OR MATURE:
1. He doesn't practice the basics of chivalry; opening doors, offering to pick you up, ensuring you make it home safely, carrying heavy things, walking on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street, etc.
2. Not being able to assess an issue in a relationship with calm focus and give space when needed; forcing interaction, attempting to wear you down through harassment, waffling between twisting the truth to blaming and then becoming emotionally unhinged; showing desperation, crying, appearing despondent.
3. Being emotionally dependent on you; expecting you to fulfill him emotionally 24/7… which is narcissistic, self-centered and draining for you.
4. Expecting you to give, give, give but giving very little to nothing in return in terms of care and support… you begin to feel used instead of loved.
5. He spends time trying to get you to think like him, like what he likes and do what he wants instead of seeing the relationship as a sharing of individual likes, interests, goals and dreams.
6. Reacting in an unhealthy manner because he doesn't get his way; you voice displeasure about something and instead of him reacting with: "I understand. I get what you're telling me. I'm sorry for doing (or not doing) x,y,z" simple and to the point… instead you find yourself on the receiving end of emotions that are all over the place.
7. He plays the victim and says that you're making him suffer.
8. He uses guilt as a tactic to make you feel sorry for setting healthy boundaries for yourself or expressing very basic expectations.
9. He begins to be seen as a child in your eyes instead of a man; shirking his responsibilities and/or showing extreme neediness toward you (which is often what you later realize is really control).
10. He wears you out… you find yourself becoming tired and worn down where you once had energy and strength. It's time to make a change and get back to living your life. And tell him goodbye.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
names have been omitted in this post
Walking in the front door my gray leather booties clacked on the entry floor and I paused to lean over and unzip them. Slipping my feet out of them I set my oversized bag on the zebra printed bench. Wearing skinny jeans and an oversized plaid button down shirt I removed my watch and set it on the Queen Anne entry table.
"Hey! I'm home!" I called out to my mother.
She emerged from the den in her pajamas with an alarmed expression on her face.
"Hey! Where have you been?!" She exclaimed with concern.
I rolled my eyes and yanked the hair elastic off my right wrist so I could begin pulling my hair into a messy bun atop my head.
"Where haven't I been! You would not believe my night! I've just been on a tour of all of DFW, that's where! I don't even know how it happened! How the heck I ended up heading north to Colleyville, I have NO IDEA!" I told her.
Her eyes widened "Colleyville?!" She exclaimed. "What the heck? Well, I've been sitting here getting worried wondering where on earth you were!" She replied.
"I know, I figured you were. I was trying to get home! I STILL don't know what I did wrong… which turn I missed." I admitted as I followed her into the kitchen and began opening the stainless steel fridge to survey what was available to eat. Milk, eggs and leftovers from the dinner I'd cooked the night before of chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans were revealed. I was absolutely starving and it was late. I wanted something sweet.
"Why did he not drive you home?" She demanded. "You shouldn't have gone to his place to hang out! Here it is… late, DARK and you can't see well at night. You have NO business out driving at night and he should know that. You're getting all turned around and lost and he's sitting on his ass at his house. There is something wrong with this picture." She told me angrily. She pursed her lips and crossed her arms as she watched me yank a gallon of peppermint ice cream out of the freezer and begin digging into it with a spoon. Peppermint goodness swirled in my mouth from a bite and I waved my spoon with irritation in the air as I spoke.
"Yeah! I know! I shouldn't have driven to his place. I should have just told him if he wanted to see me he could come by here. Instead I'm getting lost and can't see worth a you-know-what because my eyes are so dry." I agreed and then added "I've told him I can't see well to drive at night."
"Yes, yes you did." She nodded "And he should take it seriously. And he should be looking out for you. Supposedly he cares SO much about you and yet you're the one driving at night and getting lost. He should have driven over HERE to see you, taken you out for a proper dinner and then brought you back home." She shook her head "This is all crap. You need a man. A REAL man! These are NOT the actions of a man. A real man does what he's supposed to do without being told to do it." She declared.
I sighed because her words were hitting a nerve of truth and I dipped my spoon in for another cold minty bite and thought about what she was saying. Finally I spoke "I've been questioning whether he's too young. Too immature. I'm just… "I trailed off and was quiet.
She finally spoke "I agree. I really do believe you need someone a little older. "
I turned and smiled wryly at her "I was born in the wrong time period. I know that. I should have been born in the fifties or sixties. Men of my generation… "I shook my head and took another bite of ice cream "I hate to say it but generally speaking there are so many that are lazy. So many men don't even want to mow the yard, they think Netflix and chill aka a movie and sex is a date. The majority of them are obsessed with Star Wars which I hate. I don't want to sit on my butt and watch movies all the time. I hate sports, especially NASCAR which doesn't even constitute as a real sport but a mind numbing zone you enter comparable to watching a hamster on a wheel. I can tolerate, even enjoy hockey occasionally. I'd like a man who has energy, who makes staying in shape a priority, who can fix something with his hands or at least tries. A man who wants to travel. A man who shows he loves you by ensuring you reach home safely… it goes back to actions not words alone. Someone who enjoys art and design, reads and can form a proper sentence. Someone who is trying to make a difference." I grimaced and shook my head. "I guess I'm just really frustrated." I admitted to her.
"You need someone who knows what to do. I'd just hate to see you settle after finally leaving that first cockroach. The next one better be amazing." She reminded me.
"I should have told him to come pick me up. I'm falling back into a lack of boundaries I think." I murmured thoughtfully, mentally chastising myself.
She sighed with exasperation "No, stop that! You're blaming yourself now! HE'S the one who is supposed to be the man here. You shouldn't have to ASK him to come pick you up!" She stressed to me.
"Oh, heck! I know that!" I retorted with furrowed brows. "But at the same time, I NEED to be setting better boundaries. I should have NEVER offered to drive to his place. Yes, if he wanted to see me he should have come over here. He drives so much I was happy to go to him for a change. But dang… at night? Not a good idea. I knew better and yet did it anyway. It wasn't wise. And yet… you're right, at the end of the day, he let me. Shame on him. I'm done." I told her. Then with wet eyes added… "I'm tired of being disappointed. But I am done."
We know if you've been with someone of a narcissistic nature or a full blown sociopath you're likely a highly empathetic person... a giver. Maybe even to a fault. Maybe to your very detriment. You enjoy helping others and yet... your helpfulness may become personally problematic. Oftentimes later you find yourself irritated, resentful or just plain angry that once again... you guessed it... you over extended yourself; you gave too much and now you're at best depleted.
So what happens when we continually find ourselves in hindsight giving, giving and giving and then wishing we hadn't?
There are lessons learned.
We can take these experiences and begin using them to become healthier. We can use these negative scenarios once we are seeing with clarity to not let them happen again. We can realize that we will have future opportunities to set boundaries and limits regarding how much we give and what we expect of others. Even of ourselves. We have the opportunity everyday to tell ourselves:
"I will not give too much today. Yes, there are people out in the world that don't give. It's sad, but true. There are people who are selfish. That is an unfortunate reality of life. However... giving too much of my time, my energy, etc leaves me depleted and unhealthy. And I can't love others if I can't love myself first. Boundaries are healthy and I'm not a bad person when I implement them."
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
5 TIPS ON SETTING BOUNDARIES:
1. Think back on how often you've said yes. More than likely a lot. Likely you wanted to say no but didn't. Recognize the patterns of past behavior.
2. Realize that saying no is okay. And that no is an adequate response. We don't have to give further explanation.
3. Saying yes when we want to say no leads us to feeling mad. We can save ourselves and others a lot of grief by just saying no to begin with.
4. Stop apologizing when you say no. It's not necessary.
5. People who have a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no also tend to have difficulty asking for help. They lean toward trying to be too self sufficient and then struggle, becoming stressed out.
names have been omitted in this post
"I'm NOT going!" I yelled at him as I tossed makeup and personal items like hairspray and deodorant into my vanity drawer in the bathroom… slamming the drawer shut with a loud bang.
"Oh, yes you ARE!" My husband retorted back at me angrily as he proceeded to smooth Rogaine on his receding hairline in front of the bathroom mirror.
"And WHY is that?!" I exclaimed in likewise anger… then added "I see no reason for me to go to your stupid twentieth high school reunion. You know I hate stuff like that! It's just a bunch of people standing around comparing notes on how everyone's done in life. It's all superficial." I told him.
"You're going because you're my WIFE! That's why! I'M going… so YOU'RE going!" He yelled back in mounting frustration like I was a petulant three year old child that wouldn't just shut up and behave. He took extra care to comb his hair in place that was still damp from his shower and then proceeded to brush his teeth… like some kind of animal he brushed… the tooth brush bristles were frayed like a dog had chewed on them… it reminded me of my dad's toothbrush when I was little.
"That's just the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard! Just because you decide to go doesn't mean I need to! Just because were married doesn't mean we have to be hitched at the hip! You always expect me to tag along to this crap… business dinners, company parties… and I'm freaking SICK OF IT! Grow up! Grow some balls! Go by yourself!" I yelled at him completely over what I perceived to be his extreme neediness and control. "You know… you got off the hook completely… I haven't taken you to a single reunion. I went and picked up my diploma from the school and was done with it! How nice for YOU!!!" I added with a tone of nasty sarcasm.
"Jennifer! JENNIFER!!!" He chastised me. "What part of this do you NOT understand???!!! YOU ARE GOING!!! PERIOD!!! IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION!!!"
With that… he walked off. Like he always did. Conversation over.
The night finally arrived… the night of his much dreaded twentieth high school reunion. It was going to be held in a room at the convention center downtown… lame name badges and whispered glances ensued as we walked in. I had spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready… hair flat ironed, little black dress, glowing tanner from a bottle, makeup and nails… and painful heels… all of it I'd done to "make him happy" and shut him up when I would have preferred to be at home in my pajamas, hair in a bun and eating a box of cookies in front of the tv or reading a book. But instead I was on his arm internally rolling my eyes at the scene before me. A few people mingled around with their drinks but it seemed for the most part the majority stayed in selective huddles. As I scanned the room, inside I fumed and resentment grew that I was there. Marriage sucked alright, I thought to myself. At least it did with him, I thought, giving him a side glance of contempt.
We slowly made our way across the room past various groups toward the opposite side where a long white clothed table of catered food was spread out and a bartender stood ready to serve drinks. I noticed that with the exception of his best friend and two women no one initiated conversation with him. It was becoming more and more obvious that we were on our own. Awkward didn't even begin to touch how it felt. I began to wonder what the deal was when the photographer hired began to encourage everyone to move to the staircase and choose a spot for a group photograph. I stood over to the side by the long stretch of windows that looked out at the downtown bustle… couples walked by dressed up to go to dinner and maybe see a show… couples who were having a good time and heads were bent toward one another in closeness and intimate conversation, occasional laughter and genuine smiles. With a drink in my hand I turned back to the room and observed as the class reunion took their places on the staircase and smiled for photo after photo to be taken. A few minutes later the crowd was breaking up from their photo session and it was then I felt someone beside me. A man to my left. I turned slightly to glance over at him.
"What a night, huh?" He smiled easily at me holding a beer, his eyes twinkling at the nostalgia of it all.
"Yeah… " I replied "Is this your class?" I asked him not sure if he was one of the graduates or was a spouse of one.
He smiled and nodded "Yeah… it's been a pretty great night getting to catch up with everyone. Crazy. I can't believe it's been twenty years, you know?"
I nodded "I'm sure… "
"So… who are you here with? Who is your husband?" He asked me with curiosity.
I looked at him and told him my husband's name.
It was then that his face dropped. No smile. No niceties. No anything. His expression turned from laid-back and friendly to immediately tense. He stared at me as if he wanted to say something. But instead he brushed past me and walked away. Just like that he was gone without a word or explanation. I stood there trying to collect my thoughts in bewilderment. I didn't understand what on earth had just happened. One minute everything was fine and the next… not so much. I took a sip from the small clear plastic cup I held in my hand… and tried to process what had just happened. Clearly there was some reason he had acted that way… there was some reason why my husband's name made him walk off without a word. Little did I know then that the rest of the evening would prove to be disastrous… people weren't interacting with us… and I began to voice that I was ready to leave. "In a minute" I was told despite his attempts at letting people know all about his work, where he lived and what he drove. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and alarmed that obviously there was some valid reason why at least ninety percent of these people were not making an effort to reminisce about high school with him or even what they had been up to the past twenty years.
Eventually we departed… after much of my tugging on his arm to "come on, were leaving(!)" out of embarrassment for him. I hadn't wanted to come yet at the same time I was so completely unprepared for how the evening had played out… and it left me with more questions than answers. Why did it feel like I had entered the twilight zone when I'd stepped into that room that night? I asked him... "Is there something you haven't told me?" and "Why do none of these people seem to want to interact with you?" and "Did you do something to make these people so blatantly dislike you?"
Avoidance ensued. Silence. Glancing at his profile as we walked along the now emptying sidewalks of downtown in the windy night I detected growing irritation from him mixed with a set jaw and an ego that had been knocked to the ground if not lower. Something changed that night. I felt it then but didn't really understand it fully until much much later… over a year and a few months later into my divorce. Hindsight is a funny thing. Later that night enduring a horse and carriage ride along the quaint downtown streets with him and his best friend and his girlfriend we all sat in near silence. Internally I questioned how on earth I was with this person. It was like he had been outed for the jerk he was… I was just late to get the memo… over ten years late but it was received that night. And he knew it. That night looking back… I see so clearly now I unknowingly entered the discard stage by him. Slowly but painfully I was being viewed by him as the problem… I wasn't as young as I once was… I wasn't as this or that… I wasn't as willing to just say "okay" anymore and acquiesce to him and whatever he wanted to do. I had become more and more vocal and he didn't like it. That night he knew I no longer saw him as I once had… any remaining view of him in a positive light at that point was extinguished like a smutty cigarette. I saw him fully for who he was. And it wasn't pretty.
When the narcissistic sociopath has realized the relationship he's had with you has come to an end. He (or she) has used up every bit of good in you… they've taken your self-worth, your happiness, your peace, your confidence, your personal boundaries, your dignity, maybe even your support system…
Even if you are the one who leaves first either by walking away or filing for divorce, you are still suffering from the emotional fallout of a toxic relationship as you now realize with painful clarity that it was all fake, a fraud, his (or her) love was not real… it was merely a show to gain narcissistic supply to feed their infantile and sick ego.
The best news is eventually you can get to a healthier place… leaving is the first step. As time goes on and with therapy, self care and lots of support from friends and family… you can live the great life you imagined… experiencing real love, a life without tension, anxiety and eggshells… and feel physically better too. A narcissistic sociopath may discard you for what they believe to be a better choice but with that comes something even greater for you… your freedom.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
names have been omitted in this post
My soon to be ex husband and I sat in the tiny office of the psychiatrist. The office with it's minimally decorated cream walls, modern black desk and three plastic chairs flanking one wall… the three of us sat as the psychiatrist listened to our valid concerns over our sons most recent meltdown or "fit" as we often called them. He would nod as we gave further explanation, acknowledging he was hearing what we were saying… his fingers typed rapidly on his keyboard as he took notes. He listened carefully and then nodded... turning to our son he spoke, "Okay… let's go over this again. When you began coming here… we had a talk. Right?" He asked our son looking to him for agreement.
Our son nodded.
"And what was it we discussed? What was it that we agreed were your two jobs?" He asked him, leaning forward in his black swivel desk chair.
"My two jobs are go to school and listen to my parents." our son told him quietly with his hands in his lap.
"That is correct. You have two jobs. Go to school and listen to your parents. So if you're having fits then that means you're not listening to mom and dad. Correct?" He confirmed giving him a long look.
"Yes." our son admitted.
"Okay… so let's not lose track of what exactly you're supposed to be doing. You need to stick to your two jobs and nothing else. Alright?"
"Yes sir." our son told him.
We all have them. It seems so simple of a concept but listening to the psychiatrist break down everything our son needed to do under the heading of two very simple jobs made it even easier to see where our sons focus needed to be versus where not.
It's really not much different for us, is it?
As women we are often expected to wear many hats… but even men who have jobs that are more demanding than others can relate… we can all undoubtedly get swept away with all the things we need to do… whether it's on a daily basis or just life in general… and sometimes we lose touch with what our job truly is.
When we get married we gain two jobs
And not just any two jobs. But the two most important jobs we will ever have in this lifetime. Today, if you're married I'm writing to gently remind you of those two jobs… because we can tend to forget… I know I did when I was married. We can undoubtedly forget that when we say "I do" there is then much that we choose to "don't" do. For Christian couples who are dedicated to putting God and their spouses first it's essential to review what those two jobs really look like.
When we marry we vow to honor and love our spouse… before God… and we know that not one person in the union is to be the dominant one… instead that the two become one before God and are there to serve the Almighty King. It takes three to have a successful marriage and putting God first at the head of the relationship sets the very foundation for it to thrive. When we realize that our marriage is not truly ours to mess with… it's not ours to neglect, it's not ours to shun or turn our backs on or choose not to serve in… that it's actually God's union, it's in His jurisdiction and we are there to follow what He deems loving and life producing… we will be much better off and our marriage will reflect it.
Today I would ask you what you've done for your spouse?
Today I would even go so far as to ask if you're divorced...
What could you have done for your spouse that you didn't?
It's something to think on…
If you're married I'd ask you today what you could do that would be choosing selfless over self? What could you choose to do that would be putting God first and not you? What could you do that would tell your spouse "I thought of you" without any strings attached?
And then go do it.
We have two jobs when were married:
1. Put God first
2. Love our spouse
When we love God first it becomes easier to love our spouse and look out for them… it gets us past our egos, past our own louder than life needs and wants that can threaten to overtake anything our spouse perhaps desires.
So today take a little time… to think of how you could do a better job at your two jobs.
I wrote this post aimed at both sexes because it is something that applies to everyone, not just women, not just men. At the end of the day no matter how good, bad or toxic a marriage is… even post divorce we can look at patterns in our own past behavior and see where we could do better if we ever marry again. Tomorrow would have been my fifteen year wedding anniversary and with that each year reflection is good for anyone who has divorced. In my own marriage I could have done a better job at my two jobs:
1. I could have prayed over my marriage more
2. I could have sought more guidance from God in the day to day annoyances
3. I could have bought him those tickets to the game or race he would have loved as a surprise
4. I could have taken better care of myself (rest) and worried less about household chores
5. I could have just gone with him to see the guy movies (Marvel) he loved and watched them because at the end of the day it made him happy
Granted, these are just a few… obviously all of us would have many more… but it's something to think about… when we say "I do" we obviously aren't also agreeing to neglecting God, to not praying over the little things, to choosing ourselves over our partner, to letting the frictions between us and our spouse grow or to allowing demands from work, kids and in-laws come between us. Yet that is often what happens in marriage because we lose focus on what we're supposed to be doing. Instead, are we saying "I do" to our spouse each and every day?… our job right after living for Him is to love him/her.
So how would you grade the job you're doing?
Would you give yourself an A? B?
Maybe a shaky C?
There is always room for improvement…
maybe it's time to go ask Him what you can do
to love the one you said "I do" to better.
God will be so glad you did.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014