So you've discovered your husband has cheated… or is still cheating.
One of the first things to determine is what are you going to do?
Are you willing to stay?
Or are you already halfway out the door?
It's ultimately your decision and yet in the aftermath of that initial choice you must make…
There comes another decision.
Will you confront the "other woman"?
I know this can be a common struggle for women who are dealing with the aftermath of a cheating husband… emotions are undeniably running high and rationale is not always present. I have personally been in this situation and looking back now I can say I made the right decision for me. It's still one I feel good about… or at least considering the situation I do.
Betrayal is one if not the absolute worst acts of hurt someone can inflict upon us. It damages us to our very core and makes our loyalty seem worthless in the other person's eyes. In fact, loyalty in the aftermath of being cheated on becomes so incredibly important… so valuable that it seems nothing else matters in this life. For someone to be loyal to us is now the ultimate expression of love… something we didn't have… and no matter how much we may try to put on a strong front or appear jaded… we may deep down yearn for a love than is loyal.
WHEN THE WORST OCCURS…
But what happens when the person who vowed to love you for better or worse has caused worse to occur? What happens when the person they have been intimate with has knowingly or unknowingly contributed to the break up of not just trust between two people but also a marriage?
You may believe the first course of action aside from telling your husband what a dirty rotten scoundrel he is would be to confront his mistress. It may be believed that by confronting her and pouring out your hurts or aiming your anger at her will help. But the truth is… it may truly cause more damage that what has taken place… and actually create bigger issues for you.
Some of the issues you could hypothetically encounter are…
1. If she knows of your existence, she believes every negative thing your husband has told her about you. How can you have a productive conversation when this woman likely believes you're solely at fault for the decline of your marriage? More than likely he's given her some pity poor me story that she's fallen for… in her eyes his terrible behavior is justified.
2. If she doesn't know he's married… she will still be on the defensive when you tell her. She may certainly drop him like a hot potato (hopefully!) but she may also distance herself from the both of you. On some level she may feel guilty for any unknown part she had in this disaster but at the same time she may believe she owes you zero information… ultimately choosing to keep mum and cutting all contact with you both.
3. You may believe that getting all the dirt on his relationship with her will make you feel better… help you heal… but it may not. What if you actually find out details that just serve to make you feel worse? If details should come out they should obviously come from him, not her… it's not her perspective you're desiring… it's his if at all. And in some cases he may not feel the need to share anything with you… he may feel he has zero obligation to. And at the end of the day… it doesn't change the fact he chose to cheat.
4. Will you be able to control yourself? One of the problems people have when they are in the depths of such deep pain like betrayal is they may act out of character in their initial hurt… as rational thought is often abandoned. Later… much later after this storm has passed you will want to be able to look back and say "I handled that well"… you will desire peace and calm… not recalling chaos like something off of Jerry Springer. This is why it's so important to think long term despite current anger… you most likely want to have your integrity intact long after this horrible experience is in your rearview mirror. So if you do reach out to her… think long and hard about what you're going to say. Now is not the time for impulsive action.
5. If you treat her with anger, malice, hostility… you are merely justifying whatever your husband has told her as his excuse for cheating on you. She will recall all the times he cried to her over what a meanie, what a tyrant, what a sex-withholding nagging, grumpity sour puss you are… even if none of that is true… she will recall it and feel united with him in his indifference toward you… they could very well band together to make your life a living hell… especially if you have children. Let's not give him that kind of power… I mean, he's already wielded enough, right?
TO CONFRONT HER… IF AT ALL
So you may be reading this and thinking… okay, I don't want to seek any information from her… I don't even want to confront her really… but I do believe I need to tell her that I'm aware of the situation. You can always choose to take the course of action I did. I simply reached out to her on Facebook with a message of… I'm aware you've been intimate with my husband. I've filed for divorce. You might want to get yourself to a doctor and checked for std's…. I wish you well…
Simple and to the point… if she didn't already know he was married she does now… she knows she needs to get to the doctor pronto… and you can look back knowing you did the right thing and were a bright light in a dark place… you can walk away knowing you were the calm in the eye of chaos and ugly… you rose above and showed character when you could have been a torrential downpour… and no one would have blamed you for it either… but the peace within when we rise above is worth so much… not only does it give us long lasting inner calm but it also shows her that maybe we just aren't so bad as he's painted us to be… maybe somewhere in that facade he fed her… she sees a glimpse into the fact that everything he said about us was a lie as well…
and yet you offered her the truth on a silver platter
and walked away expecting nothing in return.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014