Many of us have been there…
Maybe we were there for just a bit… a fleeting period of time… but there nonetheless.
Maybe it was postpartum depression.
Maybe it drug on for years…
Maybe it was like being on a planet shrouded in fog or a black veil.
Maybe it was due to a loss or maybe it's reason of origin is try as you might undefinable.
Depression is curling up in bed sweaty, dirty, twisted in the sheets, eyelids closed. Wanting to sleep but not able to… it can be knowing we need to muster up every bit of near inhuman strength to get up, to set two feet on the floor and walk five feet or twenty to the bathroom… to the kitchen… to anywhere... but unable to.
Depression is something as simple as saying in your head "I need help" but managing to utter the words to someone is not possible because there appears to be a glitch between your thoughts and expressing them… and trying to overcome this hurdle is really at the end of the day seemingly not even worth the effort.
Well no matter who you are and no matter what you’ve done
There will come a time when you can’t make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you’re not the only one, praying
Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle
Depression is putting on a false smile and emitting an unnaturally high pitched tone of "No, I'm fine, really" to concerned friends on the phone and as soon as you hang up a drop escapes from your tear duct… depression is not bothering with a tissue but wiping your wet face with your arm like a three year old.
Depression means shutting those who love you out… everything changes out there in the world while inside behind closed doors your world stays stagnant… time freezes in your home minus the spoiled milk and expired groceries in the fridge… voicemails go unanswered and phone calls are ignored… being social might be just what's needed and yet to an aching, weary body and mentally zapped mind it just feels like too much effort to exert.
In your hour of desperation
Know you’re not the only one,
praying Lord above, I need a miracle
Depression is missing events you should have been at… parties you should have attended… and believing that just because you actually stepped outside the front door to retrieve the mail it was an okay day… and if you absolutely had to venture out… meaning driving a vehicle it was an automatic victory when you retuned home not having driven off a bridge.
Depression is being an atheist… or a Christian… it can affect anyone... and yet feeling at the mercy of a nearly unexplainable deep black hole that wants to suck you up like a powerful vacuum or relentless twister. Like the lyrics you feel like a man in the box, censored by this unfathomable dark presence, as you can't even really begin to articulate, it's like you've been bound and gagged… and try as you may you simply cannot seem to escape.
He lost his job and all he had in the fall of ’09
Now he feared the worst, that he would lose his children and his wife
So he drove down deep into the woods and thought he’d end it all
And prayed, “Lord above, I need a miracle”
lyrics by Third Day; I Need A Miracle
Depression is finding a snag in your best sweater and not caring like you would have weeks before… it's wearing a jacket when not really necessary because it offers some sense of protection, comfort or shield from a world that's just to difficult to face right now.
Depression is knowing God's plans far exceed the circumstances of your day but just wanting those circumstances to stop, wondering if they ever will… or maybe it's wanting to believe His plan… but for whatever reason thinking maybe it doesn't apply to this time… or maybe it's being tired… just so incredibly tired of the circumstances piling up like an endless pile of debris that needs to be set aflame and extinguished out once and for all.
Depression is a bowl of cereal for breakfast at two o'clock in the afternoon and you weren't even out partying the night before… it's using every last bowl you own in the kitchen sink… ten dirty bowls wait to be rinsed and placed in the dishwasher… instead, you move on to using mugs… and from there every last glass in the house.
Depression is not cracking a smile at anything… the comedic efforts of the late night shows, the spoofs, the grumpy cat pics… nothing elicits a laugh… suddenly laughter and levity seem so frivolous and a waste of energy you cannot expend… especially where it doesn't exist.
Depression is your mind wandering… wandering to places it shouldn't go… places that are dark, in shadows and yet somehow infiltrate your mind even if momentarily… places that bring finality, final destinations and no re-do's, no fresh starts, no next chapters…
I was once there.
Maybe right now you are.
Depression doesn't have to be your final destination.
There are people who care.
People who will help.
Even if you don't know how to help yourself.
There are those who will guide you to the next place…
A better place…
one that doesn't end in...
"She was really struggling."
"He didn't get better."
"She seemed okay the last time I saw her."
"I had no idea he was depressed."
"Gone way too soon."
"Why didn't I see the signs?"
"Did anyone realize?"
"Why didn't someone help her?"
"I am heartbroken."
DEPRESSION AFFECTS US ALL
You may be thinking:
Things will never get better.
There's no hope.
God doesn't care.
Today I'm writing to let you know that the cross tells you otherwise… Jesus died for you… His love shined beautifully for you before you were ever born… knit together in your mother's womb He already had a plan for you and your life. When were struggling or suffering… when He seems so far away… when you question if He is listening… trust that He is there… He is working diligently to accomplish far more in our lives and us than you could ever imagine. What's to come is another day, the real possibility of better… and in that is encouragement and even better... hope!
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014