names have been changed or omitted in this post
Our waitress handed us our menus and took our drink orders… we both ordered water and I asked for a bowl of queso. She nodded, smiled and said she'd be back in a bit to take our orders. It was Sunday night and Chuy's was busy. Brightly painted walls, music playing and chatter from the other patrons gave it a festive atmosphere. My sister browsed her menu and I asked her what she was going to order. What she ordered always looked good.
"I'm going to go with the stacked enchiladas." She said… "What are you getting?"
"I'm getting the quesadilla's" I told her.
After our waitress took our orders she spoke "So how are things? How's the job?' She asked me.
"Things are going good…" I nodded, dipping my chip in the bowl of queso we shared. "The job is going well which is a relief. I think I made the right decision. You know… it just got to be frustrating when I'd show up to work for my shift and then run late leaving everyday. Because Jeanette would be late they would expect me to wait for her to come dragging in. I said something multiple times to my lower level supervisors and nothing was done about it. There were always excuses made for her. I got sick of it."
My sister nodded "Yeah, I can imagine. I hate that… and it wasn't once in a while, right? It was like all the time." She said.
I nodded "Yeah… try everyday for a year and a half. I'm supposed to get off at two thirty for school pick up and she's dragging in at two thirty… clocks in and then hangs out in the break room till two forty five, maybe even two fifty stealing company time and I'm calling her on the intercom to get up there. It wasn't like this was a once in a while thing. I mean, geez…" I trailed off. "I get it if you're having issues, I get it if something is going on… everybody has something that pops up and we need to be understanding. Some things are just out of our control. But this was happening everyday. Every. Day. Then I said something to the supervisors and nothing was done. I managed to get myself to work on time, do my job, do it well and yes, I expected to leave when my shift was done and the next person was supposed to take over. I really don't think that's asking too much." I shook my head.
She sighed and tried to rescue her drowning chip in the queso with another one. "It's ridiculous. All they were doing was enabling her. They continued to let her get away with it. Then if they lose one of their best employees because they are offered something better they shouldn't be surprised if they take it."
The ones who enable are really just as much to blame as the perpetrators themselves. If someone is condoning ill behavior no matter what kind or in what type of setting it not only affects others but it tells the perpetrator that they will not be held accountable for their poor actions.
Positive change is not possible without accountability.
If bad cops are not being
purged from their jobs…
If we turn our heads to the child, adult
or animal being bullied or abused…
If we shut our eyes and ears and
deny that racism is alive and well…
If we allow employees to steal
company time and yet then
screw our customers with high
percentage rates on credit cards…
If people are getting a slap on the wrist
for drinking and driving and killing someone…
If we go vote for someone we know is evil
and then wonder why our country is becoming
more and more corrupt and depraved…
Look in the mirror.
It's called enabling.
Holding their hand makes you a sinner.
The narcissist or sociopath is capable of recruiting multiple enablers to help he or she do the dirty work they need done. Or perhaps they just need someone who kisses the ground they walk on and who will applaud their heinous actions. Regardless… a narcissist or sociopath doesn't have true friends. They have followers, enablers, loose acquaintances, whatever you may call them.
Don't be silent about what is going on. Speak up and speak love and truth. Don't allow yourself to be intimidated by someone who is orchestrating manipulation and pain for others. Don't be an accomplice to them.
6Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth.
Don't cover for someone else's bad behavior. If someone is choosing bad behavior it's not your job to cover for them. It's also not your job to take on the role of hero or heroine and fix the mess. Whether it's they have a drinking problem, a sexually immoral struggle like pornography, abusing company time, sexual abuse, gross debt, domestic abuse, theft, etc. The consequences for the negative actions are not yours to take on.
Man or woman, the narcissist and sociopath wear masks to lure in their targets. They tell their target what they want to hear, they seduce and charm their way into their hearts. Before long the target is suffering in a bad relationship wondering what on earth happened to the person they thought they knew. The personality disordered are good at snowing others, at making them believe they are the wonderful people they try to present themselves as. Enablers make up their toxic posse… invalidating the targets of the personality disordered and validating the narc or sociopath as one who is in the right. More than likely the narc or sociopath has convinced the enabler that their target is a mean angry person and therefore they are the one is is suffering when in reality the narc's continual punishment and wielding of control is justified in his or her mind.
How do you fall in love?
Harder than a bullet could hit ya?
How do you fall apart?
Faster than a hand to the trigger?
Don't you say, don't say, don't you say it,
Don't say it, one breathe it will just pay it
So shut your mouth
And run me like a river
- Bishop Briggs, River
Yet what is so ironic is very often enablers state they are "Not going to get involved' or "They are remaining neutral", "I don't know what you're talking about", "You must have done something to make him (or her) mad", and "Well, you two are going to have to work it out" when they very well know there is abuse of some kind going on behind closed doors. And yet they do nothing. It takes a strong person to stand up and say "No, were not doing this", "You're not doing this" or "This is going to stop. Now."
"If you are not part
of the solution,
then you are
part of the problem."
But the enabler is a weak spineless co-abuser who sits silently and nods like a trained puppet or seal to the toxic one. Sometimes the enabler can even go one step further and become a "flying monkey" which is one who is used by the narc to carry out their dirty work so their hands stay clean. They may engage in small or large attacks onto the target to help fuel the narc's agenda therefore causing even more chaos, pain and grief.
www.gracepowerstrength.com - 2016