names have been omitted in this post
His Text Message Received:
September 4, 2017
I may be moving out of state next weekend.
I've given all I can.
My Text Message Reply Delivered
All this time you've been telling me I
need to hang in there for my daughter.
I don't know what to say... other than I'm so sorry.
We go through so much in life... some of us more than others. By the time we reach eighty years old (if we do) we will have defied all the odds that have tried to come against us... car wrecks, near misses, slips and falls, food poisoning, childbirth, depression, loss of loved ones, financial stressors, job loss, infections and hospital stays, break ups, surgeries, divorces, possible assaults, late night parking garages, whatever it is, you name it... by the time we reach the ripe age of eighty we will have victoriously thwarted much of life's potential disasters. We will have survived losses and heartbreaks, triumphs and wins. We will have laughed and cried... prayed and cursed.
But there are some things in life that just break our heart and although we continue to go about our daily lives we may feel like an imposter. We may feel like such hypocrites and liars... I know I do many days... not every day.... but many days... people ask you how you are and you eventually succumb to the rhetoric of "Fine..." and smile. You feel like such a fraud... because you're not fine. You're far from it. Your heart is breaking, your gut feels punched and you waffle between wanting to scream and cry because your life is in the toilet and you're really barely hanging on. People care and are sympathetic to your situation but eventually as they say life moves on and no one wants to hear about it all the time. Eventually you're expected to pull yourself up and patch it together no matter how hard. No one warns you how truly bad things can get. No one tells you when you give childbirth there are no guarantees. No one tells you when you are holding that newborn baby in the hospital that the likelihood of someone trying to steal it from you is great and that person may very well be the one whom you had it with. I'd never do this again if I had it to do over. That's a foreign statement to those who haven't experienced this hell.
My ex has begun a smear campaign against me. I received a message this week... they are saying that he's telling everyone in town I abandoned my son and now willingly gave up partial custody of my daughter. If that is true then why did I just spend roughly fifteen grand I didn't have to fight for her? If that's true then why did I submit myself to being demeaned and treated like rubbish in court? If that's true then why did this person come forward? Because they know the truth and that according to them those who know me know he's spreading lies. If I "gave up my kids" then why am I feeling like I've lost my right arm because I've already lost one child; my son due to my ex's parental alienation? Why have I continually dealt with his aggressive litigation he has pursued and a corrupt court system in the short five years we've been divorced? As my attorney has stated many times the ink has barely dried on our final divorce decree... it's not normal to have this continual litigation... except in the dysfunction of a sociopath. If that's true then why am I struggling with depression and toying with the idea of walking off due to protecting my own freaking sanity? If that's true then why has nearly every woman he's dated once learning my name found me online and upon reading my blog broken up with him? Some of these women have been prior targets of abuse and are now fellow supporters. These women know truth when they read it in such detail. They walked away from him because they weren't going to be stuck with him upon seeing the evil he's been capable of. Because they didn't want to find themselves in my shoes in five, ten, twenty years from now. And no, I don't blame them one bit. They've saved themselves a lot of future misery.
The beginning of this blog had two text messages... one I received from someone I know and the second is my reply. This man has been through complete and utter hell at the hands of his ex wife and a sorry vile family court system here in Fort Worth, Tarrant County. We did not see the same judge... his case was brought before a different one but just as devastating results. This man's story is a prime example of how we must rid the idea of mother's rights and father's rights but instead get back down to basics and what is TRULY in the best interests of the child. We must expect more from our family court systems... which is for them to choose to give more custody to the more loving parent no matter what sex. We must expect a system that does not buy and sell children and destroy loving bonds through deals, favors, political gains and alliances, etc. We must stand tall and scream until we are hoarse to be heard. We must be wise and educate ourselves and the general public so as to know who we are voting for... for our children will ultimately be who pay dearly for our ignorance otherwise. We must expect judges to be held accountable for their grievous and illegal actions and they must have to answer to someone when they don't act and rule according to the best interests of the child.
This man was the primary caregiver of his child while his wife worked in a high level paying career... she was the main wage earner. He worked but earned less yet his job allowed him to be home more for their child.... it was the agreement they came to during their marriage. But five to six years in, their marriage began unraveling. She "changed"... but not in a way that could be dealt with or welcomed with the belief it was for the better. Instead it was more like her mask began slipping here and there. She began becoming someone he didn't recognize any longer... the carefree, laid back easy going woman he'd known morphed into someone critical, demanding, image and money seeking, hot tempered, sex addicted, and cheating. But those of us who know this story already because we recognize it as so similar to our own know she hadn't really changed.... she had just hidden who she really was very well and now it was coming to the forefront. He tried to reason with her... he tried yelling at her... he tried begging her... the man literally tried everything he could to get her to change back to who he believed he married. But it wasn't going to happen. He spent many nights in the guest bedroom toward the end of his marriage crying and beating himself up for marrying her with the door locked and their child sleeping beside him. The head of the situation came when she locked herself in the home with a weapon with him and their child... and he had to talk her down and get it from her. He texted me that night freaking out and I advised calling the police and having a report done... I tried to stress to him he needed documentation. I begged him to call the police that night. But as so many of us do he gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't want to "cause a scene". That decision would later cost him greatly. Once in court upon his immediate filing after that horrific night she received almost full custody. The court listened to his sharing of the truth of the matter and also how he had been the primary caregiver for their child but they ruled in her favor. This is an example along with my situation that it DOES NOT matter if you're man or woman... regardless if you're the better parent the court will not acknowledge it but instead award more or full custody to the unfit parent. This man realizes now... he was merely used by her for a child... "She just needed a seed" he's told me many times and that he has now slowly lost to parental alienation. He was used for childcare while she worked, advanced in her career and now is completely financially independent thanks to his sacrifice and he was chosen due to his family having money in the hopes that she would one day profit from it.
It happens to men too. It happens to good men and good women. I don't know why people believe that mother's automatically get custody... nothing could be further from the truth. Texas is not a "mother state"... it is the asshole state; they rule in favor of whomever is the asshole. Favoring mothers was in the "old days" before the court system realized they had a money maker of a system on their hands... I mean why would you rule in the better parents favor especially if they make very little money when you can side with the psychopath that makes over six figures and can be a financial asset and funnel money into the corruption? When you have the money makers coming through the court rooms with the ability to keep dinner on all these cockroaches (yes, looking at you Tarrant County Family Court) tables every night; the judges, the ad items, the amicuses, the attorneys, the baliffs, the court reporters, the court appointed therapists (eye roll) and psychological testers, etc.... why would you rule in favor of the poor parent who is likely the one with some actual morals and values and likely the underdog? Gee, I don't know... why the heck would you? How would that profit anyone? (insert sneer)
This man who was annihilated like me by the court system is angry. He has every right to be. He's on the verge of getting in his car and driving off. Not because he doesn't care. He does. Maybe too much to self detriment. Because this is killing him. He can't take anymore parental alienation, he said/she said, tears and suffering... he can't take anymore lies, crazy-making and chaos. He just wants to parent his child and live his life. He's sick of having to drive to hell and back because his ex wife made the selfish decision at the courts blessing to move so far away he has to navigate multiple cities just to do a simple child exchange. He's tired, just beyond tired. He sees the anxiety and fear and doubt she's planted in their child and realizes each times he sees his child he's losing bit by bit and the pain is becoming too great for him to bear. He's exhausted and sleep deprived from all the long-term stress and just the image of the judge makes his blood boil with rage at the injustice... this is why people lose it in the heat of temporary insanity and go on shooting sprees. He's merely living day to day in a blur of depression and worry and financial bleakness because for whatever reason even though she earns much more and he has little time he must pay child support. He curses the day he met her and longs for what could have been if he'd married someone with a heart. He dreams of better but like the wind as it blows by knows that isn't something he can just reach out and grasp at whim and want. He knows he can't keep doing this... day by day.... bit by bit and I know it's coming... the day he drives off and never looks back. They say love never fails... but I'm not so sure anymore. People fail... humans fail to hang in there when they simply cannot psychologically take anymore.
I remember when I was twenty when I worked for a family law attorney firm and heard of a woman who had lost custody of her child... I had immediately thought what a sorry piece of work she must be... after all, I thought who on earth loses their child? At twenty years old I had no idea. Never say never. Never judge. Because when you do life has a not so funny way of letting you experience what you thought was unimaginable. We so often think the terrible things that happen in other's lives are of their own making and their own fault... I'm all for owning your part in life circumstances ... but we must also realize that no one asks to lose their child.... and someone who does is not always but perhaps being targeted by absolute evil. We are so quick to make assumptions and diagnose situations based on a two minute glance.... but there is much, much more for us to learn in this life along the road of empathy, understanding and compassion.