Tuesday, March 13th, 2018
names have been omitted in this post
It was forty degrees outside and I sat in the driver's seat of my SUV peering through the windshield at my old home when married. Waiting. The street was pitch black... large sprawling homes and mature trees bordered both my left and right and I sat there with the engine off and shivering from the cold temperature. Good grief... why hadn't I thought to bring a jacket or blanket, I chastised myself. Dressed in black skinny jeans and v-neck white t shirt, hair pulled in a pony tail, I glanced at the time on my cell phone and it's screen illuminated the inside of the vehicle momentarily. It was a little after 5 o'clock in the morning now... I had gotten up at four o'clock. I wondered how I was going to make it through this day and already missed my warm cozy bed. Oh well... it was turning out to be a doozy of a week in the life of dealing with a narc ex. These types of scenarios become all too common and yet so unnecessary to deal with. I sat there with what could only be described as a chagrined expression on my face. The house was lit up with exterior lights and graced with evergreen juniper shrubs I had picked out at the plant store. I was facing the garage and as I sat there I thought of all the chaos that had occurred stemming from that house. "The house of divorce" as my ex liked to put it so eloquently during our divorce as every couple that had lived there had divorced... as if that had been the only issue under it's roof... gimme a break... that was only the tip of the iceberg.
My daughter had phoned the night before, Monday night and told me that her dad was planning to take her and her brother out of state for spring break. This was new news to me; their father had not informed me of his travel plans as is stated for him to do in the decree. Our previous decrees had always stated that any travel either of us did with the children we had to notify the other parent of our travel plans, hotel reservations, flight information etc, with two weeks notice. The decrees had also stated that I was to hold the passports for any international travel and upon his request I would hand them over once he had given me the travel itinerary information. The section on previous decrees that any travel must have a two week notice to the other parent had not ever specifically been modified. And regardless any good parent who is truly attempting to co-parent would willingly provide that information... not withhold it or it have to be asked for. Yet he hadn't told me of any plans. In fact when I had days before proactively reached out on Our Family Wizard and asked what his general plans were for that week of spring break and where our daughter would be; meaning with a sitter, with his mom or with him at work, the response he gave was:
"If we travel out of the country I will notify you."
Really? Clearly someone is cocky and thinks just because they have more custody now that enables them to do whatever they want. The court has foolishly given him so much power and control that now he has taken that as a green light to do whatever he wants... which he does. The night before on the phone my daughter had told me that he planned to take them to New Mexico. But considering his history of lying who knew if that was true or not. Regardless, he can't just up and leave with her whenever he wants and although he has full legal control over our son he also doesn't take it upon himself to communicate anything regarding him to me. He has them and I am on the other side of the fence trying to figure out how to access his side to no avail... that is the situation the court has put me in, no thanks to them. I check the time on my phone... six o'clock comes and goes... then six fifteen and then finally six thirty. Only two cars had passed me and one walker with a flashlight and golf club in their hand... probably questioning me... wondering why someone was sitting on a lone dark street all alone. A couple minutes after six thirty the garage door begins slowly opening. I open my cell phone and begin recording... the garage door opens to reveal him standing beside his newest SUV talking to someone in it... he closes the passenger side door, probably his new wife and walks around the front of it to enter the drivers side. He gets in and slowly the SUV begins pulling from the garage onto the driveway. Spotting me and his headlights beaming brightly into my face he paused momentarily at the end of the driveway likely taking a photo to show I was there... likely so he could later grandstand, scream and boohoo I was stalking him or some other bs that he likes to twist and spin. Nope, just gathering evidence because all I ever hear in court is “Well, were you there?!” from opposing counsel when trying to make a point in the case. Well, this time I am there; showing that yes, he IS leaving and doing whatever he wishes. His SUV finally begins exiting the drive and entering the street and he heads up to the stop sign. I stop recording and toss the phone on the tan leather passenger seat beside me, starting the vehicle and begin driving. I make a right turn onto the next residential street as he does and begin driving through the neighborhood.... eventually I'd reach the freeway at which point I'd make a left and begin heading home. But he, in front of me begins driving rapidly and running the stop signs. I come upon him on the next street after another turn and he suddenly slams the brakes hard. In reaction I brake hard and the pedal slams into the floor throwing me forward slightly into the steering wheel. Snatching my phone from the passenger seat I snap a photo of his license plate in response. If he was leaving out of state maybe it was best to have it, I realized. He puts the SUV into reverse to back up on me and I begin blaring the horn in response... probably awakening a lot of now angry homeowners nearby. He throws it back in drive and guns it, accelerating up to the main thoroughfare toward the freeway. Making a right turn he disappears and I slowly approach to sit at the red light so I can make the left turn toward home once it turns green.
You idiot, I thought in reference to him... you're driving like the psycho you are, trying to get me to rear end you and probably have the kids in the car as well... what a fine example you are setting as their father, I thought to myself. I hadn't been able to make out if the children were in the vehicle due to his dark window tint and the night sky still enveloping everything. I phoned the police and requested them to do a well check to see if the children were indeed home or not. Forty five minutes or so later I had my answer... they weren't. Their grandmother was there as she had just sold her home and was waiting for her new one to be painted before moving in. Having my answer I now had what I needed and thanked the police officer.
It stems from entitlement.....
The thing about people with personality disorders is that they feel entitled to make the decisions they make because they are operating from a selfish heart. Their heart is not set at love but me, me, me, and the only language a narc speaks is one of control and punishment. They must have control of everything... they become so enraged that they were left... in my case not only did I leave him I notified his new supply and told her he had been cheating on me with her... unbeknownst to her... to which she immediately dumped him. This further enraged him... because now he had no one... just who did I think I was, anyway? A smart person, that's who. The person who you were lucky enough to marry and never ever deserved. The person who married down to marry you and just didn't realize it at the time. The person who should have never gone out with you to begin with but stupidly did anyway. The person who if she had it to do over again would have not looked at you even once. The person who despite what you've orchestrated is strong as heck and relies on God to keep moving forward... counting on His good promises and blessings and steady assurance it will all work out and be okay despite the tribulations. The person who you should have treated better because you had someone who was counting on you to live life together beautifully with and you foolishly let her down again and again. The person who was at one time unknowing of your psychological cruelty... because despite what she'd already been through in childhood she thought... believed that you were different and better. The person who shared her whole heart and world with you and yet you disappointed time and time again and created your own dark island with lies, cheating, sex and who knows what else. The person who has continued on despite your continual destruction and spinning of the truth... who knows that you are not the good person you try to portray yourself as but instead a punishing, petty, mean hearted person. The person who has experienced so much good in others since walking away from you and renewed faith that not everyone is like you... thank God.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, they all use and abuse people. They use and abuse their children in custody battles to continue to emotionally abuse their ex spouse... and also financially. It gives them great power and joy (yes, it sadly gives them joy) to use the avenue of obtaining child custody often as just an excuse to stay in their ex spouses life and forcing interaction with them. My ex knows more than anything I want to regain custody and for him to leave me alone.
For me to say "I just want this to end" is just that. I want his litigation to end, I want my daughter back and I want a relationship of some sort repaired with my son. I want my ex placed under control by the court; by that I mean them recognizing that he is the issue and him being held accountable by them. And if I were to go one step further he would be ordered to pay me money for all the emotional damages and stress he has caused.
If my ex were to say "I just want this to end" it means something completely different. He would try to tell you that by that he means he wants me to step up and be the mother the children need; to pay the monies I owe on their out of pocket medical expenses and try to have a relationship with our son. He may try to come across as a victim but he's far from it. Him wanting it to end TRULY means he gets what he wants; full custody and control and I go away permanently... childless and either homeless or dead. That is the truth.
A sociopath is not going to go away. They will cling to whatever they can to keep contact... filing frivolous motions with the court, mediations, continuances, asking for co-parenting classes or therapy, being in contempt of court and not paying child support are all ways to keep contact going because then court hearings are scheduled and bam! .... you're back in court seeing one another. Narcs don't feel guilt for how they behave and their controlling ways, nor their contempt of court... and by continually pulling aggressive stunts via the children they put you in a position to where you must take them back to court or else they continue to up the ante.
Contempt of court is purposeful behavior for a narc....
There is a huge difference between a person who is in contempt of court because they simply don't have the financial means to pay support or out of pocket expenses for the children... (myself) and then someone who is WILLFULLY in contempt due to their sense of entitlement... which is my ex... he doesn't believe he should have to tell me where he is taking the children. So then the typical scenario is; my daughter tells me what is going on, he finds out, he gets angry at her; yells at her, takes her phone and then she becomes angry at me because then she's in the middle and she feels punished by him for speaking up.... even though she knows he's in the wrong... it's a vicious cycle (unhealthy triangle) that wears down children and target parents.
But the court doesn't see it that way. The court slaps both our wrists and says "You two can't seem to co-parent and communicate". No.... that is not the issue, boys and girls. The issue is we have ONE person who is not following the decree and basic communication skills required as a grown adult because they choose NOT to. It's too bad the family court system doesn't see the issues with how they handle toxic individuals like him... It's too bad they don't listen. Too bad they stick their head in the sand. Too bad they're too ignorant for the job they have. Too bad they used their position of power to create more issues for our children despite what they are already dealing with. Too bad they were able to obtain the honor of a black robe and gavel when really they never truly deserved to have them... especially when targets of domestic abuse and children are counting on them for help.