names have been omitted in this post
The weather had turned cold… frigid cold… fall had literally been just a blip of like four or five days and then it was gone. Now the temps waffled between the thirties and fifties, the sun had disappeared somewhere behind the dark clouds and no matter how much we wanted it to reappear thus far it remained in hiding. I navigated the busy Saturday morning traffic… en-route to the bank to withdraw some money for groceries and weekend fun with my daughter. But as I turned on my blinker to make the right turn into the bank parking lot sudden dread filled within… something wasn't right… intuition told me that the bank was closed by the empty parking lot. I peered up at the signs over the bank drive thru and saw that where they typically were lit in green with the word "open" today they were lit in red with the word "closed".
Great…. I thought to myself… that is just great… I took a deep breath inward and determined they must be closed for some reason… I had always been able to access the bank on Saturdays. Okay… what to do now? My mind scrambled like a mouse in a cage. I slowly pulled out of the lot and eased back onto the street to head back the way I'd come.
"Why are we going this way, Mommy? I thought we were going to the bank." My daughter's voice asked from behind me. I glanced at her in the rearview mirror… sitting in the backseat she was looking out the window in puzzlement. Her sweatshirt said "love" across it and she wore soft turquoise gloves… her jacket had been tossed on the seat beside her.
"We are… "I told her. "It's okay…" I added, but as soon as I said those two words I realized they were as much for my own benefit as for her.
I sighed, "The bank for whatever reason is closed today. So we are going to have to go to another bank to get money… okay?" I explained to her "No big deal… " I trailed off trying to sound bright and upbeat, mentally noting that my credit card was nearly maxed out on essentials and needed a payment. As I sailed along the route past the high-end shops twinkling with Christmas decor and restaurants… a life that was no longer mine… I didn't miss the materialism by any means but I missed the fewer problems for sure… I didn't miss my ex… as many of my current problems could be fixed but our marriage was never one of them. And it was then I heard a ding! I glanced at my dash and saw the SUV needed gas. Ugh! Seriously? Did it ever stop? Huge sigh. I already knew I had a ten dollar bill in my purse and a one. I always knew what I had these days. I counted them obsessively. I quickly switched lanes making a left at the green light then pulled into the gas station. "We have to feed this high maintenance animal first." I told my daughter with a grimace as I slowly glided in next to an available pump. I was so ready to ditch this gas guzzler and trade it in for a car. The sky overhead was a bank of dark clouds… it looked like it was going to pour any minute and frankly, my mood was beginning to match it… at least on the inside. I had been sending out resumes as I needed more income, I had been searching for a new smaller home since the last one I had wanted to purchase slipped through my fingers… I wanted to move and I desperately needed more money coming in as my child support had been cut… I was beginning to get just a little irritated… and that was putting it nicely… as for whatever reason despite my efforts nothing seemed to be falling into place…
I was tired of waiting and beginning to question if God was even hearing my prayers. I was beginning to feel like an insolent child that hadn't gotten her way (and yet reality was I was in the hole) and was precariously close to stomping her foot and telling God off. If this was chiseling I'd had enough… I was ready to stand in the warm beautiful sun and have everything in order… because this ongoing time period… this "difficult time", this "growing", this "suffering", this "just plain old you-know-what" or whatever it was (?!) had gone on long enough in my opinion.
I could wait patiently for awhile… even quite some time… I could wait on God, on His timing… I mean, I don't mind waiting but there always comes a point where we begin to break, look above and ask "Hey?! Remember me?! Down here? I need some help! Are you there???"
I believe we all have problems with waiting
at some point no matter how patient we are.
Waiting can be undeniably long and painful. It can make us go stir crazy with the "what if's" wondering in moments of doubt if it will all turn out alright, even if we do cling to God's promises of good for us. Even if we know when in a cool and rational thinking that He is there for us… meeting up with us and going with us to the next place in our journey… even if we know this like the truth that birds fly we may come to a point where we waffle… where we have expectations that aren't filled on our time table, where we let worry come in and override faith, where we start to question if He is really hearing us and sees the direness of our situation at hand.
So do we let God encourage us?
Or do we push Him away out of fear/anger?
I believe we need to be honest with Him.
We don't have to put on a face of happy just for His benefit… He already knows exactly what were feeling and thinking… it's no shock to Him. The truth is… He already knows were beginning to question, He already knows our fears, He already knows we are becoming close to what one would define as exasperation, maybe even panic.
What we can do is be totally honest with Him. We can just put it out there… in our prayers and talk with Him we can just admit it… we can tell Him we are becoming frustrated, that we are troubled… that we are struggling… just like in the book of Psalms where there are plenty of folks who pour out their hearts we can do the same… we can open up about our trials to Him… we can even admit our anger… remember, anger is not a sinful feeling… anger can be totally justified… it only becomes sin if acted out.
In our talks with God we can admit that yes, we know He always has a reason in His timing and or delays… relay to Him that yes, you know He is working on your behalf and bringing together the various connections you need… and that you know sometimes that takes time… honestly vent any frustrations you have and yet tell Him how thankful you are… think of all the wonderful blessings you do have… the aspects that are sailing smoothly and the friends, family, and wonderful things you are so blessed to have in your life… find that sweet spot of contentment with the Lord… where no matter what your circumstances you are living… whether it be scarce or humble means, comfortable or excess… whether the skies are dark and cloudy or the sun is out… God wants you to enjoy your life no matter what you're going through… so that when your circumstances improve and your journey takes you to the next (better) destination your inner happiness will be rooted in Him and not the world.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~2014