(real names have been changed or omitted)
When you realize you aren't married to who you thought you were you may discover that this person hid who they really were and made fake promises of forever to you. He wasn't in it for the long haul. You supplied a fleeting need, a deep empty hole to be filled, a momentary time of idealization of you. It worked for a while. He made you feel special at first and adored you, pinched himself he got you, bragged to everyone about you. But eventually he will become bored. And he will begin to treat you less and less well as he once had. He bitches to his mother in secret about his unhappiness. She in turn will enable his poor behavior on you. Because it's what she knows. And what she does. The hurt he inflicted on you and the way you saw him dismissively treat others for years made you cringe. You witnessed him being short with waitstaff, cashier's and valet's. You voiced your concerns of this which were repeatedly dismissed and denied. Then you internally question his negative behaviors because he proudly parades you around on his arm like a trophy unbeknownst to you at the time that he is further feeding his sick twisted need within him that he has someone so pretty, so talented and so good.
He tells everyone,"She's so good."
A narcissist is good at keeping their public persona intact all the while behaving like the monster he is behind closed doors at home. He may be very complimentary of you toward others. At home he may treat you terribly and abuse you. He is cunning and manipulative and presents a facade of "the good guy." He wants the best for himself. He wants the best for you... because when you have the best of everything he feels puffed up and like an addict who gets his momentary high. IT MAKES HIM LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU LOOK GOOD. But it wears off and there is withdrawal. Like an addict he always needs more and more. He buys you the diamond earrings. He buys a Jaguar. He buys a boat. He buys a big house. He buys art and toys and gadgets. His ego continues to inflate like a hot air balloon. There were glimpses of a larger issue than just ego and image but you second guess and self doubt. Later of course these moments are always crystal clear.
The hurtful words toward you increase, the criticisms of how you are not doing this right, you are not doing enough. It's never enough. He tells you.... You don't give him enough sex even when you are. You don't hug him even when you do. You don't give him enough back rubs when you do. You don't do it right. You don't text him enough. You don't go to lunch with him enough. You don't watch his movies enough. You don't relax. Ah, but today you are relaxing too much... get off your ass and do something! You gain weight and now you're too big. You lose weight and as my ex said to me, "You look like shit. Go look in the mirror. Gain some weight." A narc twists and turns everything to be your fault. He poisons the children with bribery and indulgence to like him more. He undermines your authority and sabotages any good character and responsibility you try to instill in them. He takes zero blame. Because at the core he's criminal. He evades taxes, he speeds, he lies, he breaks rules, he's underhanded in business. You can't keep up with the pressures from him and keep him happy because the rules change daily, by the hour and by the minute. He changes the game on you so you never know the rules in this ongoing cycle of confusion. You can't be enough now. He has sucked you dry like a vampire, he has used you up. You are exhausted and chronically emotionally and physically spent. But the demands increase. He wants anal sex, he wants this, he wants that. You stand your ground and are disgusted by him. You lose all respect for him and for good reason. You are repelled by him and you tell him so.
He pulls further and further away and he seeks new attention outside the relationship to fill that hole. The distance between you widens as that HE MUST FILL his emptiness just like an addict in withdrawal. The man you once knew that adored you, that boasted of you, that loved you.... seeks a new supply to fill that gaping hole. He plays the victim, sighs and shakes his head to others as he lies about you and says "I know... she has issues. I just couldn't help her. I've been so unhappy for a long time." You find out he's been cheating and see the evidence... the ugliness... the outright lies, the hateful words written about you and even the new women... how as my ex so put in in his messages that "all women are dumb". Male narcs laugh at how truly dumb women are in their eyes.. because they fell for his lies, his manipulation and facade. He is discarding you. You are worthless now to him. You mean nothing to him now. Because he's used you up. You shudder and realize this isn't love, this is the devil.
The devil has been in your bed. Sleeping beside you every night. You just THINK you know who you married. The devil has been in your home. The devil has been helping raise your children. The devil has been conning you. The devil has been pinching himself and laughing the entire time.
The devil has infiltrated every aspect of your life.
Who is this devil?
A NARCISSIST at best.
Maybe a Sociopath.
Maybe even a Psychopath.
You married this. Maybe because it's what you knew. Maybe because this was your dad. It presented slightly differently so you erroneously believed "different was okay" ... but just because it's "different crazy" doesn't mean it's not crazy.
You don't have to live with this.
You can kick crazy to the curb.
You have one life.
And it's too precious to waste on the devil.
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ...
2 Timothy 3:1-7
Jennifer Gafford is a writer, speaker and divorce coach who helps guide parents through the pain of trying to co-parent with their narcissistic ex, and shares tips for custody and healing. She began her website gracepowerstrength in 2012 and over time her blog and audience grew to over a million views. Jennifer was married for twelve years, has two children and is very well versed in the facts regarding narcissistic abuse and the challenges involved in healing. Today, she shares daily posts and stories on Instagram for thousands of followers regarding npd abuse and believes everyone deserves a life of peace, love and freedom.