Will God Be Angry With Me For Divorcing?

​names have omitted or changed in this blog post 

So often people come to me with the great distress of worrying if they leave their narcissistic spouse they will be in trouble with God... that He will be angry with them and dole out some uncertain punishment toward them. For some who are not of faith this might seem ridiculous but for those who are Christians this can cause a real true upset and create even more trauma. Religious related guilt tripping is nothing new and often in relation to the church those who have suffered domestic violence or any type of emotional abuse may find themselves on the outside looking in and being scorned. Often the church looks at those who claim abuse by their spouse as trouble makers, as less-than Christians and make the assumptions they are not trying hard enough in their marriage, that they are not submitting to their spouse and or not loving them well. This is all wrong thinking and sadly is all too common as it causes great distress for those victims of abuse who have likely already endured enough distress and also shaming, guilt and finger pointing. 

As we muddle through our marriage and try to make sense of what we're dealing with and come to terms with the fact that it is unhealthy we may also struggle with whether or not to leave. Questions and pressing faith related concerns may loom over us and with that may come great anxiety. This is understandable yet also in that we can take a deep breath and step back to assess exactly what is love and more pointedly healthy love. 

Some questions to consider asking ourselves: 

1. Is my spouse an unrepentant sinner? 
2. If my spouse aligned with me spiritually? 
3. Do I feel my spouse is a detriment to my faith walk? 
4. Can I live in peace with my spouse or are they always causing upset, strife and chaos? 
5. Can I set healthy boundaries with my partner or do they ignore them? Or am I scared to set them? 
6. Is my trying to "keep the peace" making me stressed, ill, anxious, despondent, scared etc? 
7, Is my spouse growing in Christ or becoming worse?
8. Are my expectations of wanting to be respected being followed or ignored? 
9. If your spouse aware of your suffering and sensitive to it or apathetic and uncaring? 
10. Is your partner being blaming toward you for their sins and behavior or taking responsibility? 

As you can see from this list of questions there are many to consider. I absolutely cannot stress to you enough how important it is for you to realize that selfish and or toxic people will never be capable or willing to give true love / biblical love as shown by Jesus Christ. For some they might say love includes sacrifice as a way to shame victims and keep them in their abusive relationship but we need to also be cognizant of what sacrificial love looks like. Sacrificial love is not being beaten, not being spoken to terribly, not seeing how much junk you can take from a person. Sacrificial love is saving someone from a burning building or taking risks like putting yourself in harms way to save a loved one from an oncoming car. Sacrificial love is taking a bullet for your wife during a robbery or maybe living in an unsafe neighborhood to bring someone you care for out of it who is actively fighting to overcome drug addiction or alcoholism. Those examples are shining ones of sacrifice and love. 

As I went through my own marriage it became glaringly obvious we were not on the same page morally or spiritually and were not aligned in our faith walk. I felt there was plenty of love to give someone who made honest mistakes and then repented from them and began the self work toward positive change. But I didn't feel this was the case and I became increasingly frustrated by the lack of spiritual growth by my spouse. This is because no matter how much we grow and become more self aware if we are dealing with a spouse whose unwilling or unaware they will not do the same. Sadly this is the bottom line - many folks will never change and even moreso don't want to change. Narcissists for one example don't want to grow or become more spiritually mature. They don't want to become better through Christ nor love their fellow mankind. Instead they take great delight in destruction, in manipulation and self centered behaviors. This is not of God and does not reflect a sweet spirit or a fruitful life but instead darkness, decay and deceit. 

I tell you with great love and a kind hug that no one should have to endure any abuse someone doles out and certainly not to be made to believe that their toxicity is love. And with that that God does not approve of the abuse you've suffered and sees everything you've endured - guiding you with love and through this post that you are worthy, you are loved, seen and heard here and above all God's child. You are precious in His eyes and deserve to live a life of peace, light and true love.