Abuse Recovery & Taking Back Our Power Through Setting Boundaries

​names have been changed or omitted in this blog post 

Abuse recovery is often tied to re-claiming our power back after being controlled for so long. With a toxic partner we live under their reign of control and even moreso the groaning  suppression of our feelings in relation to our power being snatched from us. A controlling person loves being in control and feeling powerful. They love breaking down their victims and taking what was once likely a very vibrant person and morphing them into just a shell of who they were before. Even if we didn't see our shining self as a wonderful person due to low self esteem or past trauma endured the narcissist did (or at least our potential) and that is why we were chosen by them as a target - to lift them up, to add value to their life and image. They use others as a personal inflating tool to their ego, always needing more, more, more and never ever being satisfied thus the need for a continual cycle of new supply. 

So once we leave them or are left we are faced with the often daunting work of recovery and in that is the awesome responsibility to take back the power over our life that we had taken from us. Yes, this can seem overwhelming in terms of learning how to rewire or retrain if you will our usual ingrained coping skills we've had thus far. We've been living a life of lacking power, lacking decision making, lacking voice and boundaries for quite some time. The great news is despite the hard work ahead there are many new changes to be excited about! 

One major step to taking back our power is related to boundaries. In this there are questions to ask ourselves and things to consider. We would never cross a street for someone who is threatening us. We would never cross the road that screams danger with traffic coming. We would always pause and assess and then head the opposite direction. We would never be okay or put up with someone bumping their car into us and then feigning innocence. So why are we okay with someone running over us emotionally despite us saying what we expect in how we are treated? We aren't. At least not anymore. (high five) So in that we can begin baby steps of setting boundaries. Whether this is with our soon to be ex, our ex spouse, friend, neighbor, co-worker,  etc. 

Setting Boundary Examples: 

1. Only having written dialogue with our ex - nothing over the phone. 
2. Not using the children as a go between for communication. 
3, Having child exchanges at a public location or possibly curb side at our home so there is not a turf war and our ex at our front door risking them overstepping and coming into your home. 
4. Not answering our ex's calls and instead letting them go to voicemail so we can review them to respond via writing. Or transcribing them (and saving the recording) for court purposes. 
5. Limiting our social media use during or after a high conflict divorce to a narcissist and purging our online friends that may be mutual and not have your best interests. 
6. Being selective in who we share our story with and knowing we always have a choice to or not. 
7. Not divulging private information at our job with coworkers or boss who might use it against us and see us as a victim and someone to bully. 
8. Believing we are worthy of being respected and willing to walk away from any situation or person who does not give us that. 
9. Realizing that respecting our boundaries may not always happen even if we set them and yet not feeling shame or guilt when they aren't. Instead to make sure consequences are known and excusing ourselves from any further harm. 
10. Remembering that many will give us unsolicited advice during our abuse recovery and divorce journey and to only take what speaks to us and ignore the rest. Realizing that other's ugly and ignorant judgments are not about you but fully a reflection of them. 

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