Taking Inventory Of Our Life: Healing After A Toxic Relationship

​names have been changed or omitted in this blog post 

Being in a toxic relationship is a drain on our soul... we begin over time to be depleted of our true selves and simultaneously endure a broken spirit. This is so despairing to us and the weight and reality of how much destruction has truly occurred often hits us later on in our recovery process. When we've lived in this numb state of fog and confusion for so long we have essentially gone into a slumber of sorts and once out slowly begin to awaken to life... like a princess finally rising from a deep sleep to fully present we are doing the same. Suddenly life is glaringly in our face... snapping us back to attention, alert and unable to deny the time we've lost. Suddenly we want to make the most of all our time we have left and that often sends us into a panicked flurry state of trying to get everything in place. 

I get it... we may feel like it's "catch up" time. After my divorce I was angry that I had lost so much time in terms of my younger years and also my own hopes and dreams. Honestly I would have likely been somewhat (ish) satisfied with being a wife and mom and not having a big career IF I'd had a very supportive spouse. I could have seen myself eventually launching a homemaking blog and maybe writing a recipe book. During my marriage I flourished in the domestic role of home and became known somewhat as the official cookie baker in my social circle. People would ohh and ahh over my gardening, home decorating and baked treats. It became a running joke that if you couldn't get ahold of Jennifer she was likely baking up dozens of sugar cookies and happily decorating them with frosting and candies while wearing old jeans, a worn but well loved t-shirt and going barefoot... probably with frosting smeared on her cheek. This was my married life with two young children squealing with joy we were baking something (again, yay!) and despite the autism fits and challenges with getting therapy help were honestly some of the happiest years of my life. This happy state did not include the constant pressures of perfectionism placed upon me to jump higher, do more, be more causing so much anxiety it became unbearable in later years.

With the knowledge I had done so much for everyone else, had been drained (and gas-lighted) emotionally and psychologically and yet rarely if ever taking care of myself in the marriage but instead working over time to manage everything I knew this was catch up time upon leaving. I knew it was crucial to begin getting back in touch with what I wanted for myself and to thrive in all areas. This meant taking inventory of what worked for me and what didn't. I had lacked boundaries and also when attempting to set them wasn't respected or heard. I had sacrificed my own personal well being to detriment and instead catered to my spouse. I had been under enormous pressures to care for a child with special needs while my spouse traveled extensively for work and often was sleep deprived. All of this meant needing to take the time to recover physically and emotionally and heal my heart instead of jumping immediately right into another relationship. This meant taking stock of all the dreams and interests I had tossed on the back burner and begin to reach for them again... figuring out what still resonated and what didn't. This meant getting myself to a better place emotionally, mentally and financially for myself and my children so this was an end story of success and not all for naught. 

​The problem is changing all of this is not easy... in fact whether you're a man or woman it's far from it. There are many ingrained ways of thinking that have been part of our past most likely and that have played a part in our situation. We are not to blame for being abused or hurt. We are however often dealing with contributing factors from childhood that have played a part in our relationship as with all our relationships. Changing behaviors is not a walk in the park yet essential to our recovery and really living well as to who we are meant to be. It requires putting a halt to the old way of thinking and patterns of functioning to make room for the new you. We have to reconnect with our bodies and in that I mean getting back to actually becoming attuned to what it feels and experiences. Our bodies are always sending us little signals that equate to a "hey, you.. pay attention here!" yet often we dismiss them oh so easily as nothing important. Like tiny gnats we shoo them away and think we are safe. Probably since the beginning of time as a child we have been under the spell of only reading signals from others and our environment and being oblivious to what we need to pay attention to internally. This is where we need to stop ignoring the internal signals something is off. We need to pay attention to the fact our gut instinct is waving red flags at us and the pinch in our chest or that vaguely toxic but oh so familiar feeling that comes with meeting someone new IS THERE FOR A REASON. Instead of waving all that away as we probably have so often done in the past we now need to sit up straight and take heed. We are our own responsibility. Read that again. You are your own gatekeeper. It is now time to stop believing that everyone else needs to come first and that you are a-okay with being on the back burner. You know what happens to the pot on the back burner? It gets forgotten and before long it boils over after not being paid attention to and gets burned. Then alarms go off and smoke fills the air. You have a mess. That is you without paying attention to the signals your body sends. 

To play catch up if you will and accelerate our recovery a bit... to move forward in our healing journey we must stop putting ourselves last in life. Likely we've done it in every area. You are not other people's doormat, rehab center, lust fix, or plaything. You are not a backseat person. You are not even a front passenger. You my friend are the one in the drivers seat. You are the one who is supposed to be the leading man or lady of your life. You are essentially in charge of your own happiness and the ability to rewrite what that looks like. On some level I may have been happy for years humming along decorating sugar cookies nestled in my old life... but was I awake? No, not at all. I was a passenger and and at times angrily tossed in the backseat. I was not in the driver's seat and I wasn't even a respected passenger at that. It was more like cuffed and silenced clinging on, hoping for a good outcome and continuing to try to talk sense into someone that had ear buds in. It was the definition of insanity... trying and yet never getting different results. But guess what? Now you can have different and very good results that benefit you. 

Within a toxic relationship we may have wrapped up all of our happiness and mood in this person we were with. They enjoyed being controlling and taking advantage of our kindness, our ability to give them the benefit of the doubt and endless chances. We likely had difficulty pinpointing our feelings about anything and trusting our gut instinct. We may have initially valued the relationship more than ourselves and our own self care and worth. We likely had fears of abandonment if we had earlier trauma from childhood and a low self confidence and self esteem. If we were the "fixer" type we may have had the tendency to feel exaggerated responsibility for others and not known when to step back toward ourselves. With a toxic person (a taker) they love this and fully take advantage of such self sacrifice. Below I list five essential tips to help someone heal from a toxic relationship. 

5 Tips To Heal From A Toxic Relationship: 

1, Stop absorbing others feelings and remain firmly rooted in your own and present. 
2. Face your lost time and grieve it - also begin list making or creating a dream board of what kind of life you want to create. 
3, You decide what is right for you and stick to what you know works best. 
4. You say no when needed and if you're not sure you say "let me think on that" to bide time in listening to your gut and decision making. 
5. You learn to say "not my circus, not my monkeys" and let other people sort out their own problems knowing you too have your own and only so much time and energy - your peace is more important.