As we begin our recovery journey from narcissistic abuse we may struggle especially in the beginning. During this time we are likely still reeling from the reality of realizing that we were with an abusive person and even more so that the type of abuse we endured was very manipulative and likely either covert or overt. In grappling with the shock that we fell victim to this type of person, their lies and experience along with whatever we lost along the way which likely was a lot ... we also are likely feeling as though we are on very shaky ground. We may feel uncertain, unsure about our present and our very near future. This is understandable because we are trying to make sense out of something (and even the world as we knew it) that makes very little to no sense at all. Narcissistic abuse is not widely understood unless it's been experienced first hand. That in itself is often isolating. Not to mention we are likely learning about narcissistic abuse for the first time. Becoming more educated about narcissistic personality disorder brings clarity to our lives since we've probably lived in confusion for so long. Recovery also means tackling the logistics of trying to get our life in order in general through a job, finances, children, and finding a place to live. We without a doubt have a lot on our plate. But what can we do to make all of this and more so much easier to handle with strength and grace?  Having boundaries set in place hands down. 

So what is it with this boundary thing, you might ask. Why are boundaries so necessary? You may have lived a life with setting very few to no boundaries (especially if you had a narcissistic parent) and then found yourself chronically people pleasing, frustrated, over-worked, over-extended and incredibly stressed out leading you to burn out and doing very little for yourself in terms of self care. Maybe everyone else seems to be put first and then it's you who unfortunately suffers the most. Wow, that's a lot right? And unfortunately our society in general fuels much of this backward unhealthy mindset for us with the general chronic messages of do more, jump higher, stay busy... and we strangely enough equate all of that to success. When in reality hustling to put others first all the time often leads us to feeling emotionally chronically spent and then big yuck, resentful. That is no way to live for anyone. This also leads us to being stepped on, feeling used and a lack of peace and control in our life. That is why I always go back to asking survivors of narcissistic abuse "How are you setting boundaries?" 

Boundaries, as we learn after becoming a target of narcissistic abuse are essential to our life and our well being. Our mental health and wellness relies on us implementing boundaries on a daily basis. The thing is setting boundaries with others does not equate to you being mean or insensitive. Far from it. Anyone who claims you're mean to set boundaries with them is someone you should consider whether to have in your life. So now you know you need to set boundaries. The next question is how do you know if you're doing a good job at this or not? And if it turns out that you're struggling what can you do to improve? Remember this is a process. I cannot stress this enough. So if you tend to lean toward perfectionism you might struggle with this. It's okay... it just might take a bit longer. But you will get there. And I should note that there is no perfect, by the way... we all have off days... days where we see people or situations more clearly later after the fact. This is life. This is learning lessons and knowing more for next time. That is perfectly okay. In this we must learn to give ourselves patience, grace and self compassion. 

5 Signs You Don't Have Boundaries:

1. You meet someone and they ask you if you have kids. This might be at a new job, football game watching get together at someone's house, maybe a party or baby shower. Everything was going well but before long you're rattling on about your kids, your divorce, you ex... and soon they are asking about all the sordid details. If you're new to this type of situation you may share with these strangers only to afterward have deep regrets you were ever that open and transparent. Driving home you may chastise yourself and mentally wince you divulged so much. Deep down this is because you shared on some level still wanting validation. This put you in a vulnerable situation where you were counting on this person to step up and be your affirmation of what you experienced while you're still trying to heal and find your sturdy ground. You shared yourself on an intimate level with these people that didn't deserve to know you in that way and who now have inordinate amounts of information about you to share with others at their discretion. You didn't set the necessary boundaries needed and likely on some deep inner level wanted some positive feedback about who you are and what you went through. The worst part about these situations are the inner feelings surrounding being triggered with shame, embarrassment and self blame afterward. This is common for some survivors of narcissistic abuse. It can create great inner regret and residual feelings of wishing we had never been so open. Especially if in hindsight we felt the person wasn't genuine or was perhaps judgmental. I advise those who want to share their story to remember they don't owe anyone their story - it's purely your personal choice. Also if you're needing validation be sure to do that for yourself... relying on others for it is dangerous territory and can place you in harms way psychologically. But if you so choose to share it might be wise to start small. Maybe create a blog with an anonymous name (and to protect you from your ex using it in a custody battle) and begin there. "Your people" meaning your fellow sur-thrivers will find you and will connect with you and your story. 

2. If you meet someone new and begin dating them you may suddenly find yourself falling in love quickly. This is a red flag in many ways. One, it could mean that you're dating a narcissist. It could be that they are grooming, mirroring and love bombing you and pursuing you aggressively. This is highly likely. The other is perhaps you're not setting boundaries with this person. Perhaps they are wanting every second of your time. Another red flag, Perhaps they are needy, clingy, etc. This is a big problem. If you tell this person you're dating you need some space and they don't respect that boundary you're setting that is a major issue. If they don't respect your need for space, time and your schedule then it may be time to have a serious chat and or break it off. The truth is two people who are fluid, who are healthy and secure know that some free space is healthy and much needed. They know that a partner who takes time for themselves is more attractive and is happier who has their own thing going on whether that is work, a hobby, gardening, jogging, etc. Anything that helps you maintain autonomy is a wonderful thing. That is why boundaries are essential for dating ... they keep you objective, healthy and safe. 

3. Being in a dating relationship may mean being sexual with a partner if that is something you choose to do. One of the biggest issues for narcissistic abuse survivors when dating is if they aren't truly ready to be sexual again in an intimate relationship and even worse if they struggle with setting boundaries. This can lead to regrets. This can also be an especially unsettling and even dangerous situation due to perhaps being coerced into sex by a pushy aggressive partner. There are so many red flags here to consider. This could be a situation that leads to many deep regrets even shame and self blame over being sexually active with someone who turns out to be toxic. This could entail not setting the necessary boundaries needed regarding condoms and contraceptives. This may be being allowed to be pushed into sexual acts you weren't really ready for or didn't want to do. All of these situations are a sign boundaries are lacking and should have been set. The thing is you are your own gatekeeper. You are solely the one who has to look out for you in life. You have to parent yourself which may be difficult if you had a narcissistic parent who didn't do that because it now requires you to own your self worth, agency and self love. This means being extremely choosy in who you allow into your inner circle and life. This means being very particular in who you share intimacy with and especially of a sexual nature. If you do plan to have sex make certain you are in agreement with everything and it's discussed openly. Even during any sexual act you have the right to say "no, please stop" and discontinue what is happening. You should also be sure you are having a sexual experience because you WANT it not because you feel pressured or forced into anything. Also a sexual experience with someone means your wants and needs are met as well... not one sided. Someone who is healthy and truly into you, who loves you, cares about you realizes this and wants your shared experience to be wonderful too. 

4. When we leave a narcissistic partner we may already be doubting our reality. This is understandable due to the gas-lighting we've endured. No doubt we may be somewhat shaky when it comes to trusting our gut instinct and what we truly experienced. As we leave and enter into the new world as we know it now single, possibly divorced and likely dealing with a whole heck of a lot of trauma (blech!) we may be susceptible to others telling us what they think, what they see for us and how they interpret our situation. They may even go so far as to making terrible assumptions about us, wrong comments about our ex's intentions and judge how we are handling our breakup or divorce. This can be very confusing, frustrating and triggering for us as we attempt to navigate new ground in our fresh start and recovery. This can cause a wide range of feelings and one perhaps being angry that someone is invalidating our experience. Maybe this person is saying your narcissistic ex is giving you a difficult time due to obviously still being in love with you. Perhaps a once safe friend is now saying you need to get yourself together and move on from this abuse and stop talking about it. It might be that a relative of yours is judging the financial decisions and co-parenting choices you're making and it's tearing you down emotionally. All of these scenarios can be devastating to our psyche and leave us feeling hurt, sad and maybe even angry or disappointed in all of humanity. Hey, you've been through a lot, right? As you wade through these interactions you may discover that some folks are questioning your very gut instincts and the wise grounded choices you're making. Perhaps you're also caring for children and suddenly you feel under the microscope by others who have no idea the real struggles you're dealing with behind the scenes - and now you are beginning to doubt yourself despite the inner confidence you've built up all due to this person or several people. You have to stick to what you believe is best. Trust yourself. Yes, you can bounce ideas off others but if someone is judging your decisions and making you doubt your reality THAT is a big problem. If they are saying "I don't think your ex is that bad" or "I think you need  to stop sharing your story and shut down that blog" or "You need to be thankful your child has a dad (or mom)!" when you and your children are dealing with horrific abuse via your ex husband (or ex wife) through the family court system. That is ALL unacceptable. Period. You should not have to endure any abuse. It is up to you to set the boundaries and then if someone shows you who they are to stay firm in what you personally are not willing to accept. 

5. It's so imperative that you make certain you are setting the necessary boundaries regarding all your relationships. If you are exhausted it's okay to cancel plans and stay in bed. If you feel you only want to share certain aspects of your life or story with a therapist that is okay - there are no rules saying you are obligated to be an open book even in therapy. If you are setting limits on how much general time, energy etc you can give to others that is a good thing. Giving is a wonderful thing but if we're over giving we become drained very quickly and burn out. Setting boundaries is also knowing how to communicate your wants and needs effectively and doing so with tact and grace but firmness. This requires practice but you will get there. Using your words and communicating your needs in a relationship whether with an intimate partner, parent or sibling means not expecting others to read your mind... it means being very clear about what you say and your expectations. Being an adult means now being your own parent and taking care of your primary needs both physical and emotional. This is critical to learn as no one else can do those exercises for you, no one else can take your vitamins for you and certainly no one else can meditate or self soothe for you. As we progress through our recovery from narcissistic abuse we will discover that we have much more power than we likely ever thought as we were continually told via the narcissist that we weren't good at x,y,z, that maybe we were lazy, incompetent or stupid. Regardless whatever they said we know wasn't based in truth and that we are totally capable, driven and intelligent. This is the time to take your healing journey by the horns and remember you are fully able to do this and step by step you will get better and transition from just surviving to yes absolutely thriving! 

Have you been or are currently living in a toxic relationship? As someone who has been coaching folks for years regarding narcissistic abuse I have helped give support to many men and women who realized once in the confines of an exclusive relationship or marriage they were in a seriously unhealthy situation. Sometimes the signs creep up on us and perhaps we know instinctively something isn't right but can't pinpoint what it is. Often when in relationships with narcissists we may keep going back to they are controlling. Or that they have big egos or maybe they are punishing. These are all very accurate statements and observations however it does not describe the root of the behaviors we see. Someone who is unwilling to admit they are wrong is often a frustrating person for others to be around... and even more so for the person they are married to. A person who is unreasonable may often have extremely high expectations for themselves but even more notably for others. They may expect the people around them, especially their partner to never question their decision making, never raise an eyebrow at their actions and to not dare point out any mistakes, bad choices or vindictiveness. The thing is it's incredibly difficult to have a relationship with someone like this because communication will never be productive. Healthy relationships and good communication cannot reside within toxicity and ultimately what is rooted in blind pride. 


You cannot expect to have a meaningful productive conversation with your partner about the issues in your relationship when reality is your experience is not the same. They are living in a delusional state where their reality is rooted in pride - they are blind in perspective to what is truly occurring and you're seeing things as they are. You're experiencing their stubbornness, their inability to acknowledge that they might be wrong or have any human deficits or failings on their part. 


As you stand there trying desperately to be heard and understood, (possibly becoming louder by the minute hoping to be heard) they are viewing you as being dis-respectful, criticizing, (bitching or nagging if you're a woman) and likely a rebellious spouse they must "get under control" and as a child versus an equal partner. They are taking the position of behaving as your scolding superior parent versus someone equal who takes your needs, wants, thoughts and goals into account. At the end of the day a prideful person wants complete and utter compliance. They feel they are an authority and should not be questioned. They feel every time you speak out, try to explain or chastise you are disrespecting them. 


What a narcissist has is a blindingly prideful heart he or she is operating from. They are not capable of admitting their wrongs and their spouse unfortunately ends up taking the blame and shame for them. You will never ever hear those sweet to the soul precious words of "I was wrong", "I'm so sorry" (or it at minimum won't be sincere) or "Let me try to make this right". We know narcissists function in their relationships with the backward mentality of "my way or the highway". They cannot compromise or work as a team. They expect to always get their way and when you stand up to them watch their rage become unleashed toward you. They try to control you because they truly believe they are always in the right... what is that rooted in? Pride. We simply cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this. 


Some folks might struggle to admit when they are wrong yet most of us know that a humble heart is an attractive one. Often when someone admits their mistakes (along with changed actions) they actually become more attractive to us and we respect them more. Someone who can admit their mistakes, someone who is open to growth and changing for the better, someone who is self aware likely also has the trait of humbleness. A narcissist is anything but humble whether they are covert or overt. Humbleness can be grown within us through challenging life circumstances and cause us to have even more in-depth empathy for others. Sadly by contrast a narcissist is not capable of becoming humbled by his or her circumstances in life... instead they become irrationally angry and rage at others like a obstinate toddler due not getting their way. This is related to entitlement. A humble person might become angry yet they are likely more often restrained at not allowing it to spur them to self-injury or upon others. Anger isn't so much the issue (the bible says be slow to anger) but the often rash actions and words humans use in conjunction with it to cause injury. When humbled folks are angry it may also be over injustice inflicted upon society and culture.... not out of self focused and self centered entitlement... yet we must also be wise in our words and actions in how we respond. 


What will happen when we don't give a narcissistic partner what they want? What happens to us if we tell them "No!" and set boundaries? Well, most likely you're going to have an unleashing of angry venomous wrath toward you. You will likely be told you're being "delusional, crazy, dramatic, abusive, "etc. They will come up with any number of words to attack you and tear you down without hesitation. In a sudden moment you will become enemy number one and likely be abused at a heightened level than even before. 


It is imperative to realize if you are with someone who has a prideful heart you will always be competing with their stubborn nature and never be able to reason with them. You will always be given harsh responses coupled with aggression and be shut down (stone-walled) leading to a despairingly  isolated situation for you despite being with someone. This is no way to live and sadly ends up leading you to enduring much trauma and having zero peace in your life. If you're dealing with this type of partner please know that there are other ways to live... healthier ways that enable you to thrive and not be affected by the insidious wrath of pride of a narcissist.