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I've always loved reading and been an avid reader of almost any subject yet especially found relationships or personal growth to be fascinating. But when we are blessed to have found a combination of personal growth that meets faith and God I am especially excited. You may be thinking "Well, Jennifer, what on earth do I need a book on that for? I mean, I went through a nasty divorce from a narcissist and just want to get healed! I want to read about how to heal from an emotionally or physically abusive marriage!" I agree initially on the cusp of escaping an abusive relationship and some time after that we DO need to get educated about what on earth we've been dealing with and try to find some sort of understanding into the world of personality disorders and receive that affirmation that yes, what we've endured has been horrific and unfair (!) In that yes, we do need to read books on narcissism and how those personality disordered folks negatively affect our life. However... and yes, there is a big however. We eventually find a place where we plateau and realize we need MORE to continue in our healing. At this point in emotional recovery I do not believe we have to continue reading books solely dedicated to narcissists and healing from the trauma they inflict on us. Instead I believe we will reach a point where we will have exhausted that niche of books and need to explore other options to help lead us to a newer and better place. 


Sometimes when we keep doing the same thing and getting the same results we become frustrated and don't really understand why. Today, I'm here to help with that. When it comes to dealing with any type of trauma we may lose our ability to have joy in our life. So if you're confused as to what joy is and need a definition it's basically a positive feeling that springs up from within ourselves regarding life that occurs no matter what is happening in life. You could be having the absolute worst day, week, month or yes even year and yet despite that you hold onto your joy. Perhaps someone really hurt you deeply with mean words or cut you off in traffic or maybe you are struggling with a difficult relationship, an un-diagnosed illness, a challenging job, etc... yet no matter what you keep living in joy and not hand it over to anyone to ruin. Maybe you've lost your joy and are struggling post divorce, breakup, loss, etc. Hey, I get it... it's a tough thing to lose someone or something that we likely thought was for forever. We always mourn those "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" in life... yet we can keep our joy and not let our ex through cruel intentions steal it away. Or any other circumstance. So today that is what I want to do... discuss joy and namely Joyce Meyer's book titled The Seven Things That Steal Your Joy: Overcoming The Obstacles To Your Happiness. This book is a perfect read for those a little into their divorce journey and wanting to find their way to a better way of living. 

In Joyce's introduction she shares how we (and yes, you too!) CAN have joy everyday! We truly don't have to let all these awful life circumstances make us feel miserable and moan and groan how life is never going to get any better. I totally fell into that trap to some extent post my divorce in the months following the finalization. The divorce had become final summer 2013 and by that November with old man winter having arrived I was beyond depressed. My kitchen was a wreck with dishes piled high, I could not function and showers at that point were optional. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and have since my teens, (and partly why I want to live in California) plus Dysthymia, a form of persistent long term depression but together they form a lethal combo. Throw in a nasty divorce and you truly have a recipe for disaster. BUT life did get better(!) and just think how much smoother that time period would have gone if I had not allowed my negative thoughts to run away with the thought life won't get better. Yes, depression is a real thing we must take seriously and get help for if necessary but I was also suffering from what my therapist called "catastrophic thinking" which means basically you turn into chicken little and think the sky is falling all the time. Yikes. Our level of joy we experience is directly affected by how many great things we believe are going to happen for us, Joyce says in her book. I absolutely agree with that as our belief system is often the leader and the rest of us soon follows suit according to whatever we believe. 

In Chapter one Joyce discusses how one of the ways our joy is stolen is through works of the flesh. You may be thinking what? Well, when we take a look at the bible passage Joyce refers to we can see that Abraham really wanted a child. His heart was longing and crying out for an heir;  specifically a son. We all long for something. What is it you really long for? Maybe you want to start your own business, maybe you'd love to become financially independent so you don't have to punch a time card ever again. Perhaps you've had to do invitro-fertilization and want a baby so bad. Or maybe you are ready to purchase your first home, you're desperately in need of work or want a better marriage. Whatever it is God hears your cries, pleas and prayers. Often as humans we start off well. But that's the thing about us... we always want to operate from our plan and time frame not God's. So before we know it we're rushing things and doing whatever we must do to "make it work" and get what we need now... or er, um, yesterday. Yikes. I've so been there. Then we get all mad at God because things are not moving and maybe even give Him harsh words because "He doesn't understand". But that's not how God works. Trust me, I know from personal experience. Being made to wait can be excruciating for sure. But when we are seeking a partner let's say as an example and we begin rushing the process and just go and pick out any hoo haw that strides by... we are seriously in works of the flesh. 


The truth of the matter is we get ourselves into a whole heap of trouble when we begin rushing things. When we manipulate and try to make stuff happen it doesn't go well for us because we do not learn the necessary lessons that include love, joy, peace, patience and more as Joyce describes... and she is so right! Otherwise we become like spoiled children! Joyce clearly states that to produce fruit we have to go through all those yucky seasons that test our faith and make us want to moan and groan in frustration. The opposite is living in the fruit of the spirit which is molded and mature character that takes time by Him. 


So many have gone through an ugly contentious divorce (it may have been one sided as not all require two to tango; if one person is aggressively litigating for custody just to "win") or custody battle knows it can drag on for years. You may spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in attorneys fees and spend years in the same court room fighting an ex who simply won't let go and move on but instead orchestrates punishment and control through finances and children. Yes, this is a long, tough circumstance and heartbreaking for so many. Often in these battles we cry out to God for help and pray with desperation until we're blue in the face and finally so beyond over it we just throw up our hands and say in humble weary exasperation "Ok, God! I need you to take care of it! You know what it is!" Yes, I have so been there. Maybe we wait years, still praying for help as our life, our children's childhood and our hopes for what we wanted for us all are dashed. We may succumb to misery and despair looming over us due to some folks selfish natures. Have you ever waited forever it felt and then your circumstances get so bad you know without a doubt it will take a miracle delivered by God to fix your situation? Joyce comments on this in her book and talks of how God does that to show Himself strongly on behalf of those blameless. I think this is so awesome. Joyce talks of how nothing, absolutely nothing is too hard for God and that He has the ability to take your ugly mess and create a miracle to astonish everyone. 


So we see that we can live with joy by seeking God's way and not our own. If we follow God and relinquish to His grace ... if we follow His plan we can determine quite quickly that we will continue to want God's touch upon our life and have everlasting joy in it. 

I'm fast forwarding to Chapter three because I believe Joyce covers many great points in that so many who are recovering from divorce will be able to relate to and help gently push you toward a new level of healing. In it she discusses how we often complicate simple issues thus making life harder on ourselves. You know how often we think life is complicated? It really isn't, she states and simplifies things down to life is simple but it's actually us humans who often make it so. And as she says making things complicated is often what ends up stealing our joy. She talks of how Paul in the bible says that as Eve was deceived by the serpent, by his craftiness your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.  (see 2 Corinthians 11: 3NKJV) 


In this Joyce shares how it is so incredibly important to keep life simple and having a plan is fine but also to be open and fluid to following God's plan for your life and going the direction He wishes you to go. Because we can actually block good things in our life by being stubborn and following our fleshly desires and stomping our foot it actually hurts us in the end doing that. Joyce points out how children view life so simply and are carefree in how they enjoy their life. Jesus wants us to be mature, wise and responsible yet also dependent on Him. Believing in Him and His plan for us takes so much burden from off our shoulders and releases us so we may enjoy life with joy. Think about your ex and how much time and mental energy you may have put into worrying about the next time you're served with a modification of custody so he or she can wear you down and get what they want just to hurt you. You may have spent countless hours fretting about the next time you're served or embarrassed at work by a process server or maybe accosted in your driveway by one. You may be making yourself sick over how you're going to afford an attorney to represent you, how you're going to get off work to attend a hearing or maybe even how to navigate representing yourself. Hey, I get it... I lived that way for years. It was awful and caused me so much stress both internal and externally. But I finally reached a point where I was over it and decided he wasn't going to steal my joy. I decided I really didn't care anymore. And the fact that he was gonna do what he wanted and I had no control over it but I did have control over my response was huge for me. I wasn't going to spend anymore time being worked up over his punitive and ridiculous filings anymore while I worked, while I tried to sleep, while I spent time with friends, while I relaxed on my weekends, etc. I just shrugged and said "whatever... it is what it is... it may be a problem but it's not a problem that is going to upset me anymore." And so it was. I feel lighter, free and no longer intimidated or worried. That is a huge sign of growth because my past has been to let almost any issue steal my joy and lead me to ranting throughout the house, slamming kitchen drawers and allowing myself to get worked up and just make myself feel worse. It's just not worth it and not a way to live. God doesn't want you to live like that either. 


Chapter three in the book has so many good points but one in particular I want to touch on in this blog post because I know it is  vital for those having gone through divorce or planning to. When I went through my divorce I thought I wanted to keep everything. I was under the naive impression that keeping those things from my marriage like decorative knick-knacks or furniture wouldn't bother me. And yes, some things I did want to keep... like our massive king sized four poster bed from Bombay. I loved it, I picked it out and so I really always viewed it as my bed anyway. Now as seven years have passed I've enjoyed it but I'm now at a place of being ready to move on and eventually sell it. Among many other things. When I eventually move from my current location upon my daughter turning eighteen I'm going to sell off nearly every single thing and start over. It will be refreshing and I'm excited about it. When it comes to any life post divorce we can reassess our personal possessions and realize that less is more. When I was growing up my whole childhood was inundated with stuff... everything from museum quality paintings to antiques to all sorts of coveted collections that were news and auction worthy. As an adult and being married I had the income to decorate our home to the nines and it was beautiful. However, since my divorce I have become more and more about simple. Simple is a breath of fresh air. Simple takes burdens off our shoulders. Simple means less to move and dust. I have so become this way and I love it. Joyce talks of this and how when we accumulate too many things we make our life complicated. It's so true. I am so looking forward to living a life of absolute minimalism when I move. For now I am figuring out a plan to sell the remaining things... but how wonderful would it be to have more houseplants than stuff? To have more space than clutter? To have more room to workout and play than sit and feel confined? To me post divorce we need to simplify and make room for what is truly important to us. 



In Chapter nine Joyce shares how we can keep our joy if we have confidence in who we are in Christ. When our confidence is in Him and not ourselves we do better because we are giving Him credit not our own (often arrogant) abilities. The apostle Paul says we are to put our hope in Christ not in ourselves (Philippians 3:3) which makes sense as often we are all too puffed up about ourselves. Joyce discusses the details of how we can get to a place of where we no longer find confidence in who we know, what we are wearing or even our talents and gifts we share with the world. But that instead we can look to God as we know He gives us the strength and grace to be there and guide us through life. God is calling you and giving you the grace to do what you're gifted to do. What are those things? For me my gift is writing and sharing insight and personal stories that may help others in their own lives. But I am no better than anyone else and whenever someone reaches out to say they have been helped by my writing I am humbled because that ability comes from God. When going through the aggressive litigation my ex instigated through the family court system I realize now I was putting my faith and confidence into my attorneys to get me and my children out of the mess we were in. My eyes were opened to this and it was completely wrong. By firing my attorneys and going pro se to represent myself I found myself relying completely on God and praying for help and guidance from Him. Joyce reminds us that Jesus wants us to come to the Father fearlessly and confidently and boldly for all the mercy and grace we need. He is there to help you and meet your needs... never ever forget that. 



Seven Things That Steal Your Joy: Overcoming The Obstacles To Your Happiness by Joyce Meyer is a book that will give you great insight into the troublesome spots in your life and how to make a shift in your perspective to live with joy and not as a prisoner of your circumstances. This is one of those books you read and then read again at a later time because for different stages of life or circumstances it will give you renewed perspective and you will continually have those "ah ha!" moments of clarity. I keep this book handy on my bookshelf to go back to occasionally. For anyone this is a great read but for those especially having gone through the tribulations of divorce this is an excellent book to help guide you to living joyfully and in Christ not yourself. I hope this book brings you self awareness and healing so that you can live well and joyfully. 

This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. 

 This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

I had been wanting to read this book for quite some time and I was excited to finally check it off my must read list. For the most part in the past when it comes to abuse generally speaking most of us have naturally heard of physical abuse, even verbal abuse and now emotional abuse is becoming more discussed and awareness being brought to it. But even today... in our modern world financial abuse is rarely spoken of. What is truly financial abuse is often still casually spoken of as "he was controlling with the money" or "he was tight with the marital funds".... or maybe "she's high maintenance or a gold digger" and more. What typically doesn't happen is for people to just come out and say "he was abusive financially." We really don't do anyone any favors to dress up any form of abuse or downplay it as not as serious as it is. Because it's extremely serious and the fact of the matter is financial abuse is often very insidious and done covertly so it flies under the radar and not noticed by many. It may be something that is not even known about until after years, even decades of marriage and the investigation of the marital assets and accounts are taken into consideration during divorce proceedings. Even then some financial abuse may not come to light until after a divorce is finalized and one spouse realizes assets were hidden from them during the marriage and divorce. Some people are that good at leading double lives. In the book Exposing Financial Abuse When Money Is A Weapon by Shannon Thomas she explores all the horrifically blatant and underhanded ways  that financial abuse is orchestrated by abusers. 



You probably know someone who has been or is currently being financially abused by their spouse. It's not uncommon as Shannon points out in her book and often the higher the incomes the higher the stakes are at hiding what they earn and keeping the rest of the family in the dark and possibly in the poor house. Shannon does an excellent job of showing by examples and personal stories submitted to her for her book research that the myth of financial abuse occurring in only certain types of households is indeed just that; a myth. The truth is that financial abuse can and does happen to any and all socio-economic backgrounds and is not something to take lightly. Because the truth is this type of abuse is so often hidden behind closed doors whether in a million dollar home or a hundred and thirty thousand dollar home.. it does affect all income levels. I love how she implements real true stories by people to help bring her book to life with the reality of what they have faced. We cannot shrug off or dismiss all these folks true and often crushing life altering experiences at the hands of their sabotaging abuser. Instead we must read these stories as cautionary tales and I would highly recommend anyone considering getting married to read this book so they can enter marriage with eyes wide open. Alternatively we can read these stories as sobering affirmation that yes we are not alone in financial abuse if we have already endured it ourselves, escaped and begun rebuilding our life or sadly are still in it and trying to implement a good exit plan to escape. Whatever your circumstance I can assure you this book is one worth reading as it will completely change your view of people in your life you may have shrugged off as "cheap-skate" or "tight-wad" with the very real possibility that you've been dealing with a whole lot more. 
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In her first chapter Shannon discusses the very foundation of all financial abuse which is lies. That is what all abuse and betrayal begins with, right? The abuser lies about who he or she is or what they are doing or plan to do. They lie about where they are, who they see... and if they are committing infidelity they are likely lying about their expenses as well... (like lying that the bank account is a couple hundred short due to giving his brother a loan when in reality he bought his mistress a beautiful new handbag)  so we can quickly discern that a financial abuser must lie in order to commit the criminal like acts and morally ill behaviors they choose. The thing about lies is once they are told they snowball requiring more lies upon lies in order to cover up the original ones. It's such a vicious cycle and one that may be hard to uncover. Shannon talks about this and how abusers often believe the lie that all the money is theirs and they don't have to share it. (Having worked retail in the past I can attest I have witnessed firsthand husbands telling wives at the cash register all the money is theirs because they work... and even "you're spending all MY money!) Financial abusers believe that anything you have is theirs as well for the taking. They may have been married to you for thirty years but to an abuser they don't see that as owing you anything regardless of whether you're married, separated  or divorced. She shares one wife's story of how her husband pressured her into buying stocks with money she had received in an inheritance but a week later they were worthless. It is so incredibly important for women to hold tightly to any inheritance they receive, keep it in separate accounts solely in their name or look into putting the money into IRA's... most importantly don't intermingle it into a joint account and be aware that if you purchase anything with it for the home or you as a couple in a divorce settlement that item could become community property... all of these scenarios need to be checked into with an attorney to find out what would suit you best. Spouses may have a hidden agenda as this one did. Why did he pressure her into buying worthless stocks? We cannot know for sure but often abusers feel threatened by their spouses gaining any chance at independence from a split at some point and if they had the savings to go rent a condo or apartment or even purchase a home the abuser won't like that possibility. So they come up with any manipulative scheme they can to get the money spent down and then they have the upper hand (power) again. Remember with a financial abuser it's often all about control and power and Shannon points out how these types are often bullying and relentless in the pressure on their targets.


Don't share any of a potential inheritance even in a good marriage as it might come back to bite you later. Keep it separate and safe. Abusers will come up with any seemingly "well-intentioned" plans to spend your money. Like re-newing your vows and having a lavish ceremony... (true story, I know someone this happened to) maybe buying that boat he or she always wanted so you can have more "family time"... or investing in some fly by night get rich quick scheme. Don't believe it couldn't happen to you. You are not the exception as people like to think. People can show their true intentions when it comes to money when they suddenly have access
to it. - Jennifer Gafford 


Shannon shares how the taking advantage of family members is not uncommon among financial abusers. Because these types are always of the mindset that in life you "get what you can" it seems almost no vile scheme is off limits. They may attempt to go after grandma's life insurance plan, persuade her to change her will right before she dies (true story, I know someone who attempted this) or even make a copy of her house key and go rummage through her things to see what they can abscond with. These types are of the criminal mindset and will leave no opportunity unmet. Shannon shares how very common it is among abusers to completely cut off their spouse financially when one files for divorce. She points out how so often this very act leads to many being embarrassed in stores because their credit card or check was declined due to being cut off at the bank they have a joint account at. These abusers believe any and all funds are theirs and simply do not care that they are making their soon to be ex spouse's life that much harder as well as for any children they share. The ugly truth is this is all too common in divorce proceedings in dealing with an abuser who is of the mindset you either need to be controlled, punished or both. 

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In chapter two Shannon discusses how lacking empathy is a common trait for financial abusers. We know this is true of any person who is emotionally, verbally, physically abusive as many of these types are narcissistic. Yet this also applies to those who are financial abusers. Folks who lack empathy will not feel any true remorse or guilt over making terrible even manipulative choices in regards to money or any situation tied to finances. Take taxes for example. When I was married and on year three and newly a mother having just delivered our firstborn I had no idea at the time my ex husband had not paid our income  taxes for three years. He had been hiding it from me and even having the mail from the Internal Revenue Service rerouted to his mother's home address. How sneaky was that. His mother knew she was receiving mail from the IRS yet do you think she called me up and let me know? No. She enabled his behavior by hiding it from me when I had every marital, moral and legal right to know what was going on. It was Christmas 2002 when I was heading out to the grocery store and happened to see a black unmarked sedan following me. Upon exiting my vehicle the passenger of that sedan leaped out to snap my photo. It was this bewildering and unsettling incident along with receiving forwarded envelopes from the IRS right after Christmas before the new year that I knew something was very very wrong. Upon opening the envelopes right then and seeing the thousands upon thousands of dollars we owed largely due to fines and penalties I practically fell to the floor. With hands shaking I wondered how on earth we would ever re-pay all of this money owed. I should have filed for divorce right then. But instead I accompanied him to the IRS office to work out a plan to pay it back slowly but surely. (In hindsight I should have signed an innocent spouse relief form). This was also my realizing we had to sell our home and go live in a dismal rental for a couple years to enable us to get back on our feet. If I had known then he would continue to pull betraying behaviors  like infidelity on top of this one I would have left immediately. But we always always think it will get better. That they will learn their lesson and finally behave. But they won't. 


In chapter three Shannon discusses how abusers deny basic needs. It is often basic necessities like food, sundries, etc that they like to hold control over so you don't have access. Growing up my childhood was riddled with financial abuse. My mother was kept on a very strict grocery budget of only fifty dollars a week. Now this was to feed a family of five, mind you. That is nearly impossible especially in later years as appetites get larger due to being teens and the purchases more expensive like feminine products, makeup and hair care. My mother if she needed something for my sister's and I would have to take the money for it out of the grocery budget. There was no empathy for the tight position this put her in and with factoring in inflation it was impossible to stay ahead. When she asked for a dishwasher to be installed in the kitchen where she made homemade meals night after night the answer was no. (Years later my husband and I gave them our old dishwasher when we remodeled our kitchen and yet it was never installed. Instead it sat gathering dust in their garage. This type of behavior is all about control and punishment). When my mother asked for more counter and cabinet space for storage the answer was no. She didn't have an actual pantry and the food had to be stored in the same cabinets as the pots and pans. Thanksgiving even though she was a trooper and tiredly pushed through was a nightmare due to the lack of space to work and no dishwasher to enable cleaning up faster. Again, no empathy. When she talked of how she needed help with paying for her health insurance and then later having dental work done the answer was no. When people do a willfully poor or absent job of providing for their spouse and family (when they DO have the funds or assets to sell) they can be described as nothing more than financial abusers along with sorry pitiful excuses for human beings. Shannon describes in her book similar scenarios to what my mother, siblings and I endured growing up....  how many of the folks who submitted stories to her admitted to having to go without food, shoes, clothes and even embarrassingly enough having to ask their parents for the money to purchase feminine products. How humiliating yet sadly all too common. Many times in these situations there IS money to pay for and provide these things it's just that the money is hoarded by ONE person who controls the purse strings; or alternatively there is no money because the abuser is spending it all on gambling, alcohol, drugs, expensive and coveted collections etc. Abusers don't care if their choices negatively impact their family members as they are only worried about themselves and their own needs and wants. 


There are so many forms of financial abuse and Shannon does an excellent job of exploring all the many ways in her book that abusers control through money. There are stories of husbands taking their wife's wedding ring and selling it for cash... stories of spouses racking up credit card debts in one spouse's name, instances of lying to the church pastor of how much financial abuse really  occurred and then "pre-tithing" to likely sway the church toward them instead of the targeted spouse. There are the stories of hiding income so as to get out of paying child support completely or paying less than what they legally should have. There are stories of spouses who just up and decide one day to quit their job and let their spouse take on the financial responsibilities... yet they earned a hundred thousand a year and their spouse only earns thirty. You can quickly see by these varied scenarios that Shannon delves into that financial abuse takes so many forms and yet ultimately they are all destructive to spouses and their children. As Shannon continues through the book we see the opportunities for turning our life around and also protecting what we are now trying to re-build... whether that is a credit score, creating a will and trust, saving for retirement, learning how to budget... whatever it is... we each have the opportunity to completely re-evaluate our financial situation and begin making new choices solo and benefit us and not have to live under that iron clad fist of control and punishment anymore. If you have lived that way for any amount of time or still are I have to tell you that you deserve to live a life of financial freedom and not be financially abused. You are a grown adult who is very capable of making good sound choices and working from where you are to a better place. 


To sum up I would highly recommend purchasing Shannon's book to read. It would make an excellent gift to that friend or daughter that may be in a financially abusive situation. It would be a great book to read during pre-marital counseling.


​I believe the completely transparent stories shared by real people and Shannon's empathetic reaction to them really sets the tone for an honest, must read book for all women and men. I have a few links included in the post to make purchasing easy including one down below. I really hope you will take the time to order this and read it as I know it was very eye opening for me. Having been a target of financial abuse myself in many forms during childhood and my marriage I can say Shannon does an excellent job of covering the details and leaving no stone un-turned. I have been following Shannon Thomas for some time now on Pinterest and Instagram and I will say she lends a very understanding and knowledgeable insight into all forms of abuse including financial. I'm so thankful she wrote this book to help educate others about the very real possibility of abuse in the form of finances and how terribly it does impact so many people behind closed doors. 
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 This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you.