What I Would Tell My Younger Self

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*** this post contains language ***

If you could go back and tell your younger self anything what would it be? 

Like where do I even begin? You smirk to yourself. I smirk too. Heck, we all smirk. 

If you're a woman you know what I'm talking about. 
You may or may not be dealing with everything listed below .... and more. 


I'd tell my younger self to work on myself. To stop playing therapist to everyone else and actually begin unpacking that backpack of crap and codependency I've been lugging around since I was a kid; feeling heavy and weighted down and exhausted. I'd chastise myself for not really taking the time to heal inner childhood trauma wounds because I'm living adult life stuck in survival mode with a tissue in my pocket, a protective armor over my heart and a grenade in my hand ready to throw at the slightest threat... maybe this is you too and we're all just walking in a numb zombie like state toward the next shit chapter. 


I'd tell my younger self to STOP doubting myself. It's not just me. It's you too. It's your sister, your mother, your friend, your neighbor, your coworker and the women they know. We as women live life doubting ourselves in every freaking thing we do. Like seriously. From our worth, to our appearance to our outfit to what we picked out to take to that church or work potluck (that nobody wanted to do anyway and were secretly loathing) to believing every crappy thing our third grade teacher told us about our math skills to every mean, petty word uttered to us by our ex... yes, our ex.  We all doubt our worth. We doubt what we bring to the table. We doubt our talents. We doubt the value of our contributions to marriage, parenting, the workplace, etc. We doubt, doubt, doubt... that's what we've done forever and if we don't stop it what will continue. 


I'd tell my younger self to not marry him. The guy with the truck, the debt, the entitled brusque attitude and the rude family. I'd tell my younger self to not look at him once and run like hell speedy quick to the nearest police station and asked to be locked up for fear of self detriment until at least the age of forty ... (you laugh, we all laugh but you know I'm serious) with a hearty supply of cheeseburgers, fries and ice cream sundaes of course. 


But I'd also tell my younger self that I forgive you. You were operating from what you knew (or thought you knew) at the time... and you were young. You were naive, sheltered and inexperienced in people and life. I would tell you I'm so so sorry I let you down but I did what I could and knew at the time... and that again I'm so so sorry. That if I could  try it again I would in a heartbeat and I promise I'd get it right. But I'd also ask for grace, give her a hug and wipe her tears. 


I'm telling you our past has a sneaky little way of walking up behind us stealthily silent and tapping us on the shoulder when we least expect it. Then when we turn to look it in the eyes we're sent reeling backward into a tunnel of chaos, condemnation, confusion and shame. Thinking about our past we know rationally there have been times we really shined and stood atop the mountain and exclaimed how great we felt, how satisfied, content or proud we were. Maybe it was an accomplishment we'd worked really hard toward or maybe we just attained something we really needed or wanted such as a new job, promotion or became more skilled or educated in something. We felt blessed. We felt on fire. We felt alive and invincible. I know that wonderful however fleeting feeling well. 


But that's the thing. It's fleeting. 


Then reality sets in and the time period or season passes and before we know it something negative has hit again and we're feeling forlorn and down. But when we look back on our past we often bypass the good times and just focus on those negative memories and aspects, right? We begin going down that despairing road and thought process of beating ourselves up with "What if I had..." or 'If only I had... " or even "I should have ... " Ugh, right?! 


The truth is this; yes, you know more NOW... but the thing is your younger self would NOT HAVE LISTENED to what your older self could now tell he or she. That is the truth... and deep deep down we know it. If we are not ready for the wisdom without the lesson attached we will not accept it. Think about it... what if you had the opportunity to eat as many peanut butter cookies as you wanted. Let's say you have a severe peanut allergy and have been receiving allergy treatments to help lessen the effects of the peanuts if you ate them. Maybe you were not truly ready to safely consume peanut butter cookies. Yet you would not listen to the warning of the doctor and instead you chose to go ahead and eat a few. Low and behold you break out in hives and end up in the emergency room for treatment. You were not ready to accept the doctor's wisdom. Instead you chose (and had to) to learn the lesson the hard way for yourself. 


When were young we use what is available to us and operate based on what we know. There have been times I didn't have a hammer available to me to hammer a nail into a wall to hang a picture. I remember one of my moves in the wee morning hours post divorce trying to locate the proper tools to hang pictures and finally just shrugging and saying "screw it' and grabbing a wonder bar and using it to hammer the nail into the wall. Should I take the wonder bar and hit myself over the head with it for grabbing it instead of taking the time to locate the hammer? No, that's ridiculous and silly. So is beating yourself up for just using what information was available to you at the time when choosing a partner... however toxic they turned out to be later. We make decisions the best we can based on what we know at the time. 


I have beat myself up so much for years because I primarily stayed home with my kids during my marriage. I truly believed at the time I was making the right decision and the sacrifice was worth it. I am still torn by this at times. Part of me thinks back of how since we divorced when our children were still in grade school just think how much more I would have missed had I NOT stayed home with them.  Part of me is thankful I did. Another part of me is angry that I did because I lost earning power, income and the ability to chase my goals and dreams and I've severely paid for that since my divorce seven years ago. Having read books like All The Rage by Darcy Lockman I realize that women in general essentially screw themselves over in every way imaginable by staying home raising children. The government wants women to stay home and raise children. Think about it... it behooves them; they save money on how much they have to shell out in social security later. Who thought that up? Men. What a scam. I've read how as Darcy explains with research and data how women have chronically worn themselves out caring for children, home and hubby for decades whereas men barely lift a finger to help in the home. Because they work. You know, real work... (insert smirk) outside the home. Reading Darcy's book (which I highly recommend reading) how women forfeit prosperous careers, talent and income to let their husbands and THEIR careers shine really makes me want to scream at my younger self "You could have BEEN SOMEBODY instead of his stupid WIFE! You wasted your time, youth, talent and intelligence! YOU MORON!!!" But then I think... men NEVER think that way of themselves. This isn't just something I deal with. This is a thought and byproduct of being a woman period. And yet in that I think: Why the hell should I feel bad for wanting to have a family? To be a mom? To be a wife? Like why the hell didn't my husband (and so many other women's husbands) just freaking act better? Load the dishwasher, turn off the game, stop cheating, give the kids some attention, actually give their wife an orgasm and stop telling her what she could do to improve herself? Fuck. It's like why should we as women feel bad for wanting all that? Why do we dabble or wallow in self blame? To apologize for that shit? We shouldn't. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be loved, Valued, Seen. Heard. Understood. I wanted kids to raise, nurture and enjoy. I wanted to grow old with someone. Why the heck should I have to feel bad because my younger self thought by all accounts that's what they were signing up for? And that's what the hell I thought HE wanted cause he stated so?  I shouldn't feel bad. And neither should you. 

​You've made mistakes. It's okay. What I've learned is we did the best we could with the info we had. 
It's time to sit down and picture your younger self sitting beside you. 
To have a chat with her (or him) and say "Hey... I know you did the best you could. I see you. I understand. I am giving you grace, compassion, understanding and forgiveness."


And then actually live it. You deserve it. I'm giving you the memo now. So when you hit the next chapter of life and make a mistake you don't toss another bag of self blame at yourself. Life is about lessons... not life sentences. It's time to take those lessons and say "thank you" with grace and move on to bettering the now.... and future. 

This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​