Abuse & Emotional Recovery

​names have been omitted or changed in this blog post 

With abuse we as targets; empaths endure so much abuse. Often this is varied types of abuse that ranges from physical, financial, verbal and yes nearly always emotional. Emotional abuse is typically covert and masked in a hidden way behind closed doors but can also be overt and connected to verbal abuse. Intimidation tactics such as a mere glare or pointed look may be used by a toxic person to get their partner to comply to their liking. Verbal abuse may be used to shame, guilt trip or say cruel words to a partner. Financial abuse may be used to control spending, to isolate a spouse and keep tabs on them. Physical abuse may be pushing, choking, aggressive dehumanizing sex acts and demands. Regardless of which are used (or maybe all of them) all of these methods of abuse cause emotional distress and upset. 


So once an abused person leave their toxic partner whether it's either gender we have to look at the work ahead of us. Likely there is a long road ahead of deep intense recovery work to do. More than likely at first upon leaving a narcissist or toxic spouse or being left we are frantically scrambling up the pieces to do damage control to our life. This is totally understandable. There is likely much to do... after all there are the demanding instant logistics that must be addressed such as... Where will you live? Where will you work? Who will care for the children while you're at work if they are under school age? Who will pick up the children from school? I remember being so stressed out that first year of my divorce. I had some savings so I lived off that initially and worked part time for a large retailer (HomeGoods) and had the best two male bosses ever that were kind enough to tailor my custody schedule and time I had to pick up my children from school at 3 pm every day so I was able to do that. I worked the morning shift often helping put out new merchandise and then waiting on customers. I had left my short stint in real estate as a realtor because getting started in that industry is really tough and with the monthly fees it was killing my bank account. I learned real estate although I had some success just wasn't my cup of tea. After retail I tried the event industry for a few years and decided wedding receptions were't my thing either. I saw it as a frivolous industry and knew it didn't speak to my soul. It was time to figure out what spoke to me and divorce is such a time to re-evaluate your entire life.  If you've predominantly been a stay at home mom this may resonate with you. Eventually I would find my way from blogging to connecting with others dealing with emotional abuse and toxic relationships and ultimately building a business through coaching others. I finally found my calling and love what I do... is there nothing more rewarding that helping others and making a difference? With recovery this is part of our healing process... figuring out what is meaningful to us and then creating a life that reflects that. 


From an emotional standpoint we can do the same and begin asking self reflections to what we need. Often with coaching it's asking ourselves or someone that we're helping the necessary questions to get on the path that is going to help us thrive in the most positive of ways. So many people are stuck and don't know what to ask to prompt emotional healing. In this post I'm giving guidance to the types of questions you can ask yourself or a loved one you're supporting through their abuse recovery. 

Questions For Emotional Recovery: 

1. What are my current frustrations regarding my ex? 
2. How can I better handle my interactions with my ex? 
3. What level is my self awareness and how am I in denial about my current needs? 
4. Where are my biggest hurts and traumas I have endured from my marriage? 
5. How can I begin to self soothe and love myself more? To stop self blaming? 
6. How has his or her abuse affected my view of myself and my self worth? 
7. How have my boundaries been broken in the past? How have I not set them in the past? 
8. What are my biggest fears currently? Finances? Emotional Support? Child Care? 
9. How does my faith intertwine with my situation? Do I have more or less? 
10. Do I still believe in love? Am I open to one day having it or closed off? 
11. How can I honor myself and my values and morals and faith and body while I am single? 
12. What are my deal breakers in friendships, work relationships and future dating relationships? 
13. How can I find closure for myself versus expecting it from someone who is not capable or willing? 
14. What hopes and dreams have I let slide during my relationship or marriage? 
15. What were my happiest moments growing up and before I got married? 
16. What long terms do I need to consider? Becoming self employed? At minimum having a supplemental income? 
17. What are my pressing mental health concerns? Depression? Anxiety? How can I implement ways to help with these issues? 
18. What would I tell my inner child right now? What words of love could I share? 
19. How is my anger spilling into other areas of life and causing me detriment? 
20. How can I engage emotional regulation to be sure I am remaining calm in areas I need to be for my job, children and custody/ family court? 

These questions are meant to help us think in a healing manner and give ourselves a jump start in our recovery process. Every recovery process is individual and unique for each person and the time is as well. With trauma we will never be fully "healed" (we must guard against destination adulation) and it is not linear yet however we will make progress to better over time. This is the goal.... progress... likely with a toxic partner or narcissist we were living under the heavy shouldered expectation of perfectionism and plenty of shame. So there is zero reason to put such unnecessary pressures on ourselves but instead to view our recovery as a great avenue to likely the best chapters of our life ever. You deserve to live well and abuse free... claim it for yourself beginning today. 
​