How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

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If you know anything about someone who is personality disordered ...  specifically in terms of being a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath chances are you already know the insanely frustrating ways they operate. Especially regarding co-parenting. Or lack thereof. They will literally do anything and everything they can to cause distance, chaos and stress. They often use the children as the go between for relaying messages or important information such as school closings, report cards or a bad sinus infection. They are often court ordered to use communication apps such as Our Family Wizard yet don't or in some cases sign up for the app but only to upload expenses for you to pay. They may not be using it to share any communication about your child... ultimately leaving you in the dark. They will not share the date, flight information regarding the trip they plan to take with your child. They will not share the growth and weight changes in your child at the most recent yearly check up visit at their pediatrician. They will not share the results from the parent teacher conference that was given on your child's recent testing. These scenarios and more leave you feeling distanced, out of the loop, disconnected and in the dark. It also leaves you feeling angry, frustrated and helpless. 


The short answer is narcissists are not capable of co-parenting. The solution to this problem is often parallel parenting instead. This may be something new to you but in highly contentious situations where you cannot get an answer from your ex on an important topic or they are simply giving one word answers, snippy comebacks or bullying threats of going back to court... you can instead opt for parallel parenting. This is likely not an avenue of parenting that is spoken of in the family court system nor by family law attorneys. That is because they are not educated about how to deal with folks who decided to stonewall and ignore your messages you send or reply with unreasonable or even verbally abusive statements. Instead of the court realizing the perpetrator of the problem is the one who is not communicating and stopping it it's often easier for them to scold or reprimand both parents acting as of you're both at fault and "just need to get along" or listen to the toxic spouses lies, believe them and then side with the narcissist. If the family court room judges were aware that it's simply not reasonable to communicate with unreasonable productive changes could possibly be made but we won't hold our breath. It's similar to when a child bullies another child in a classroom and the teacher decides to instead of moving the problem child to make the targeted child change desks. This sends the bully child the message they are allowed to bully and continue to sit where they are without consequence. 


Parallel Parenting: How Does It Work?
Parallel parenting is designed to reduce conflict, to give the toxic parent less power and to make the parent who is the better parent feel more empowered in their decision making. With this new dynamic each parent parents in their own personal way and no one steps onto the other's territory (unless you believe it's needed due to an issue such as drinking, partying, sleepovers, drugs, obscene behaviors like sex, etc in which a message of this _____________ behavior needs to stop - so it's documented and able to be provided for court room purposes in terms of evidence this is an option) in terms of rules, chores, homework, etc. Each parent chooses their own individual parenting style as they see fit instead of having consistency across the board in both homes.


Parallel parenting is often a necessary parenting style adopted by parents who are struggling to get an ex to get on board with good nutrition, a fit example of morals, values and faith and even having an open dialogue with their children about their hopes, dreams, goals, feelings, etc. Narcissistic parents are usually rigid in terms of parenting and just want their children to be there when needed to give supply to their own ego. Meaning they don't have the empathy, time, energy or interest to put into their children which leads their child to feeling isolated, disconnected, unheard and misunderstood. 


Limit Your Contact 
By limiting your contact with your ex and implementing your own parenting style you can find much more peace in parenting your children versus all the frustration and chaos that comes with co-parenting. For highly contentious situations as with narcissists family court rooms need to have an amended version of co-parenting that mimics parallel parenting to help with positive parenting yet equally diffusing the situation. But they haven't yet. Hopefully as more awareness is made and the realization that not all parenting relationships are cookie cutter ones to fit a certain mold but need to be fluid and adaptable to specific circumstances there will be improvements made. In the meantime we can make changes to help our parenting and children thrive. 


Be Specific In Your Parenting Plan 
For parallel parenting to really work the parenting plan needs to be very detailed and specific especially when it comes to schedule following, for holidays, summers, etc. If the parenting plan is not specific enough by the court or decided jointly in mediation it will surely end in chaos and another trip back to family court. You may find yourself in situation after situation where you are able and happy to follow the set schedule yet your ex is not. Perhaps they are always asking for favors, trades, etc or more of your time and yet when you refuse they call you selfish and not acting in the best interests of the child. The truth is parallel parenting a huge help but it's not a magic answer to your situation. It's still challenging and simply helps to bring more peace than what you likely had before. But it's certainly not the perfect solution. 


10 Tips for Parallel Parenting 
1. Use an app like Our Family Wizard to do all communicating and reduce stress. 
2. Wait to respond to emotionally charged messages that leave you wanting to scream. It can wait. Take a deep breath. 
3. Be professional and not emotional. Don't give your ex any glee or supply that you're upset. They love it. 
4. If in doubt reply with "Taking note of your message." or "Taking note of your response." This lets them know in a non confrontational way you have received it and have taken note of it (likely for court documentation purposes). 
5. Document everything they do and everything your child relays to you (take notes after their visit).
6. Don't sign anything without seeking legal counsel that you don't understand such as a parenting plan your ex has drawn up as you don't want to end up having unnecessary regrets. 
7. Keep your boundaries in place and don't budge on them.
8. Don't believe anything your ex says or writes if you know he or she to be a liar in the past. 
9. Don't listen to his or her rude comments or let them get you down. You know they are not true or productive. 
10. Always choose peace. A toxic ex is always wanting to make you doubt you know the schedule correctly, doubt yourself and your worth, and create lots of stress and hurt for you. Just ignore them and realize you parenting your children peacefully and living well during and post divorce is what really matters in the long run. 

This post contains some affiliate links and or ads and I may make an small commission at no additional cost to you if you click/purchase