When Your Partner Has A Prideful Heart

Have you been or are currently living in a toxic relationship? As someone who has been coaching folks for years regarding narcissistic abuse I have helped give support to many men and women who realized once in the confines of an exclusive relationship or marriage they were in a seriously unhealthy situation. Sometimes the signs creep up on us and perhaps we know instinctively something isn't right but can't pinpoint what it is. Often when in relationships with narcissists we may keep going back to they are controlling. Or that they have big egos or maybe they are punishing. These are all very accurate statements and observations however it does not describe the root of the behaviors we see. Someone who is unwilling to admit they are wrong is often a frustrating person for others to be around... and even more so for the person they are married to. A person who is unreasonable may often have extremely high expectations for themselves but even more notably for others. They may expect the people around them, especially their partner to never question their decision making, never raise an eyebrow at their actions and to not dare point out any mistakes, bad choices or vindictiveness. The thing is it's incredibly difficult to have a relationship with someone like this because communication will never be productive. Healthy relationships and good communication cannot reside within toxicity and ultimately what is rooted in blind pride. 


You cannot expect to have a meaningful productive conversation with your partner about the issues in your relationship when reality is your experience is not the same. They are living in a delusional state where their reality is rooted in pride - they are blind in perspective to what is truly occurring and you're seeing things as they are. You're experiencing their stubbornness, their inability to acknowledge that they might be wrong or have any human deficits or failings on their part. 


As you stand there trying desperately to be heard and understood, (possibly becoming louder by the minute hoping to be heard) they are viewing you as being dis-respectful, criticizing, (bitching or nagging if you're a woman) and likely a rebellious spouse they must "get under control" and as a child versus an equal partner. They are taking the position of behaving as your scolding superior parent versus someone equal who takes your needs, wants, thoughts and goals into account. At the end of the day a prideful person wants complete and utter compliance. They feel they are an authority and should not be questioned. They feel every time you speak out, try to explain or chastise you are disrespecting them. 


What a narcissist has is a blindingly prideful heart he or she is operating from. They are not capable of admitting their wrongs and their spouse unfortunately ends up taking the blame and shame for them. You will never ever hear those sweet to the soul precious words of "I was wrong", "I'm so sorry" (or it at minimum won't be sincere) or "Let me try to make this right". We know narcissists function in their relationships with the backward mentality of "my way or the highway". They cannot compromise or work as a team. They expect to always get their way and when you stand up to them watch their rage become unleashed toward you. They try to control you because they truly believe they are always in the right... what is that rooted in? Pride. We simply cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this. 


Some folks might struggle to admit when they are wrong yet most of us know that a humble heart is an attractive one. Often when someone admits their mistakes (along with changed actions) they actually become more attractive to us and we respect them more. Someone who can admit their mistakes, someone who is open to growth and changing for the better, someone who is self aware likely also has the trait of humbleness. A narcissist is anything but humble whether they are covert or overt. Humbleness can be grown within us through challenging life circumstances and cause us to have even more in-depth empathy for others. Sadly by contrast a narcissist is not capable of becoming humbled by his or her circumstances in life... instead they become irrationally angry and rage at others like a obstinate toddler due not getting their way. This is related to entitlement. A humble person might become angry yet they are likely more often restrained at not allowing it to spur them to self-injury or upon others. Anger isn't so much the issue (the bible says be slow to anger) but the often rash actions and words humans use in conjunction with it to cause injury. When humbled folks are angry it may also be over injustice inflicted upon society and culture.... not out of self focused and self centered entitlement... yet we must also be wise in our words and actions in how we respond. 


What will happen when we don't give a narcissistic partner what they want? What happens to us if we tell them "No!" and set boundaries? Well, most likely you're going to have an unleashing of angry venomous wrath toward you. You will likely be told you're being "delusional, crazy, dramatic, abusive, "etc. They will come up with any number of words to attack you and tear you down without hesitation. In a sudden moment you will become enemy number one and likely be abused at a heightened level than even before. 


It is imperative to realize if you are with someone who has a prideful heart you will always be competing with their stubborn nature and never be able to reason with them. You will always be given harsh responses coupled with aggression and be shut down (stone-walled) leading to a despairingly  isolated situation for you despite being with someone. This is no way to live and sadly ends up leading you to enduring much trauma and having zero peace in your life. If you're dealing with this type of partner please know that there are other ways to live... healthier ways that enable you to thrive and not be affected by the insidious wrath of pride of a narcissist.